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COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT; 



MENTAL DINAMITE 

[Consisting ov 

Poems, Provurbs 

and 

Nitrik Acid Drops 

By 

THE FOOL KILER 
(Klarenc Wade Mak) 

Kansas City, Missouri 



Thoze hoo kan stand the truth alrijht 
Wil like this Mental Dinamite, 
For it deals sum awful hits 
To al the frauds and hipokrits: 

It iz acid from botum to top, 
And wil koz every grafter to howl and swear, 
For it hits grafting and injustis at every pop, 
And kozes the nativs to gape and stare. 



Publishd by 
DR. MAK AND HIMSELF, 

Kansas City, Mo., U. S. A. 
September, 1912. 



$& 



Kopyrijlited February 23, 1899, 

By 

DR. KLARENC WADE MAK, 

ov 

Kansas City. Mo. 






MENTAL DINAMITE 



BY 




THK FOOL K1I.KK 
(Klarenc Wade Mak.) 



Author ov "Mak's Gramar," "Ekoes From the Hart," "Laws-ov- 
Helth," "How to Kapchur A Huzband," etc. 



MENTAL DINAMITE 



If this book don't jar yu loos 
From your supurstishuns and foolishnes, 
Yu must, indeed, be a mos-kuverd goos, 
And only Deth wil kure yu, I ges. 



This book kontains 891 chunks ov Mental Dinamite, 
And on every subjekt wil put yu rijht, 
And wil enabel yu to lede a beter life, 
Entirely f re from mizery and sordid strife ; 

So, folio its direkshuns from furst to last, 
And don't get lost along the way, 
And al your ils wil soon be past, 
And yu'l feel beter every da. 



Al pepel ar fools, but only a few ar aware ov it; in fakt, I 
am several kinds ov a dam-fool myself, and I am almost az 
wel aware ov it az my nabors ar. 



MENTAL DINAMITE 



Without a proper Mental-diet from da to da, 

The mind soon shrivels up and fades away. 

This litel book iz Mental-Ice-Kream, 

And wil make Folchood and Injustis skream — 

And az it iz a splendid Mental-diet, 

Yu shud shurely get and try it, 

For, by daly reading a line or twu, 

It wil be the greatest help to yu ; 

And it wil greatly help your brains, 

By f reing your mind from Mental-chains ; 

So'yu shud get it without dela, 

And read it thru this very da; 

For Mental-bondaje iz shure to lede 

To Fizikal-slavery with rapid speed. 

Yes, this litel book wil set yu fre 

From al your ils and mizery; 

So read it thru from shore to shore, 

And then your mind wil noe how to soar, 

And yu wil be a Mental-slave no more. 



PRICE, $5. 
ADDREvS : 

DR. K. W. MAK, KANSAS CITY, MO., U. S. A. 



MENTAL DINAMITE 



PREFACE. 



My objekt in riting and publishing this uneke and orijinal 
litel book iz to enliten and civilize -Human Beings by pump- 
ing them ful ov very wholesum (but unpopular and unpala- 
' tabel) truths, and to eze my own mind, to a slite extent, by 
releving it ov sum ov the vast and awful wizdum that haz 
bin akkumulating thare ever sine I woz chump enuf to kum 
into this wurld and bekum a life-member ov the Human- 
race. Az this book kontains nuthing but the truth, it wil be 
very unpalatabel to most pepel and wil giv meny ov them 
Mental-dispepsha and Intellekchual-indijestchun; but to al 
onest and intelijent pepel it wil be Mental-Ice- Kream — an 
Intellekchual-koktail, Quail-on-Brains, etc. ; in fakt, it iz an 
al yard and a wool-wide viktory over ignoranc and fraud, 
and if yu kan stand the truth yu wil like it ; but if yu don't 
like it I feel sory for your poor taste and hope yu wil im- 
pruve az Old Dad TIME kontinues to chace himself and 
everything else adown the korrugated and kobweby esof agus 
ov the frostles and drab-kulored Henc. Ofkours, it wud be 
imposibel for me or eny wun else to rite a book that wud 
pleze every body, and tharefore, I hav not tried to pleze eny 
wun but myself. I hav simply riten wot I beleev to be the^ 
truth, and that iz al that kan be expekted ov eny onest 
author. If uthers kannot se things in the same lite that I 
du, it iz soley bekoz thair brains ar diferent from my brain 
in size, quolity, nurishment, lokality, heredity, etc., and be- 
koz our edjukashuns, training, environments hav not bin the 
same. My brain mazhurs 24 inches in surkumferenc, 8-i-8th 
inches in length, 6 7-8ths in width and 51-2 hi. My wate 
iz 220 pounds in the shade and I extend 6 feet upward az the 
kro flies. I am in purfekt robust helth, and hav always bin 
entirely temperate. I hav read very widely on al subjekts 
and hav traveld in the lekchur-fi'eld for 25 years, and hav 
thus bekum familyur with al fazes ov thot. Iz it eny wun- 
der, then, that my vues ar very radikal and progresiv? Now, 
dear reader, pleze mazhur your think-faktory and se if thare 
iz not az great a diferenc in our kranial kapacities az thare 
iz in our "beleefs !" Yu noe it wud be imposibel to put a 45- 
kaliber kartridj in a 22-kaliber pistol. Savy, eh? Yu wil 



MENTAL DINAMITE 7 

not be abel to dijest al ov this book at wun reading, so I ad- 
vize yu to read it thru every 30 daes until yu hav thuroly 
dijested and assimilated it, and then yu wil be so painfuly ful. 
ov wizdum that your nabors wil either think yu ar omnishent 
or a dam- fool. If this book don't kil yu, yu mijht try sum 
ov my uther tomes wich ar al garanteed to make deth ezy 
and dezirabel ; also, if yu feel like riting me a leter and giv- 
ing me hel and advice, don't be a bit bakward about it, but 
sail rijht in and rake me fore and aft with an old fashund, 
muzel-loading-pen or new breech-feeding-typeriter, for it 
wil not hurt me in the least and wil du yu no harm, and 
may amuze both ov us. Remember, I hav not riten this book 
az a muny-making skeme, for no prominent publisher wud 
undertake to publish enything az unprofitabel az the unvarn- 
ishd truth, but simply to tel the truth to thoze hoo most need 
it and to leve a rekord behind me that fuchur jenerashuns 
wil envy. I am wel aware that this book wil not be under- 
stood and appreshiated during my time except by a very 
fu, hoo, like myself, hav the intelijenc to purceve the truth 
and the kuraje to proklaim it. Hoping that your mental- 
soil wil be in a receptiv and propishus kondishun for theze 
good seeds I hav here soen, I am yours 

Kansasly, 

THE AUTHOR. 
Emporja, Kansas, 
April 5th, 1899. 



MENTAL DINAMITE 



FONETIK SPELING. 



I want my readers to ever rekollekt 

That Lthink the Fonetik-Speling the most korrekt, 

And I don't uze it to be od and unlike the rest, 

But bekoz I konsider it much the best; 

For thare woz never eny rezun that I kud se, 

For speling "gnat" with the leter g, 

And for puting twu fs in "stuff," 

Wen wun wud be quite enuf ; 

And to put i in "bird" insted ov u, 

Iz a very foolish thing to du ; 

But puting a b in every "debt," 

Iz the limit and a biger f oly yet ; 

And to spel "they with an ey, 

Iz enuf to make a jakas si ; 

And puting ugh in "laugh," 

Iz bad as "half" for haf, 

And iz enuf to make a kaf go daf ; 

And it'z enuf to giv wun the tizik, 

To put "physc" in poor litel fizik, 

And to put "ig" in fane, 

Iz enuf to drive a hitching post insane ! 

And bekoz Webster sezs it'z rijht 

To put "gh" in every nite, 

Don't make it so by a dam site ! 

And I shal oppoze it with al my mijht. 

In this new speling the wurds shud be pronouncd just az 
tha ar speld and akkording to the sounds ov the leters uzd. 
I leve out al the silent, uceles and unnesessary leters far az 
posibel, and wurds that ar speld with twu sillabels and pro- 
nounced az wun sillabel, ar speld az wun sillabel so az to 
make thair pronunciashun and orthografy korrespond; for 
instanc, "killed" iz chanjd to kild, and "loved" iz luvd, and 
"chang-ed" iz chanjd. "Woman" iz wuman; "women," wi- 
men; "eight," ait, aity, aitten; "foreign," foren; "cousin," 
kuzen; "uncle," unkel; "niece," nece; "nephew," nefu; 
"weigh," wae, wate; "papa," poppa; "mama," momma; 
"girl," gurl; "too," tu; "two," twu; "right," rijht; "write," 
rite. In this sistem ov speling the pronunciashun ov g iz 
chanjd to "gay;" that iz, it iz to be pronouncd the same az 



MENTAL DINAMITE 9 

the wurd gay. Thare ar sum wurds that kannot be chanjd 
without making uther wurds out ov them ; for exampel, if we 
nok the silent h of ov "hour," it bekums "our," an entirely 
diferent wurd. I chanje the prepozishun "of" to ov, and the 
advurb, "off," to of. I also make sum timely chanjes in the 
uce ov the wurds "lie" and "lay." I only uce the wurd "lie" 
wen speaking ov folcifying, and for reklining I uze the wurd 
"lay" and its modifykashuns, thus: 

He laes in bed, He lade in bed, 

Tha la in bed, Tha lade in bed, 

He haz lain in bed, Tha hav lain in bed, 

It laes on the floor, It lade on the floor, 

It haz lain on the floor. In speaking ov a liar I sa ; He 
lies, He lied, He haz lied, He iz lying ; Tha li, Tha lied, Tha 
hav lied and tha ar lying. In the uce ov the wurds "sit" and 
"set," I uze the wurd sit wen speaking ov animate objekts, 
and the wurd set wen refering to inanimate objekts ; e. g., 
He sits on the floor — The hen sits on hur nest — The jug sets 
on the floor — The sun sets in the west. Wurds that turmin- 
ate like "table," ar chanjd to tabel. The Fonetik Speling, 
like al new things, looks od, and unles yu ar a most rabid, 
orthodox mosbak, yu wil soon like it. With this sistem yu 
kan always tel how a wurd iz pronouncd by the way it iz 
speld, for the orthografy and orthopy ar the same, wich iz 
surtenly a great advantaje and konveneyenc ; besides, a child 
kan lurn to spel every wurd in the langwidj by this sistem in 
wun year, wile akkording to the old sistem it kud not du so 
in a 1,000 years. Thare iz no rezun wy we kannot hav a 
rashunal sistem ov speling. The wurd "know," I chanje to 
noe, nu, noen. I only put the final e on the wurd noe to dis- 
tingwish it from the advurb "no." "Eye" iz ie, ies, ied, ieing. 
I spel it ie to make it different from the pursonal pronoun 
and the leter I. In the old way ov speling "eye," al thre ov 
the leters ar silent — a most absurd and illojikal thing. 
"Would," "could," "should," etc., ar chanjd to wud, kud and 
shud. Theze ar not exaktly fonetikal, but tha ar the nearest 
to it that iz posibel with the leters in the English alfabet; 
and then thare ar sum wurds I hav not olterd bekoz I kud 
not impruve them by duing so. I diskard sum ov the old 
wurds entirely and substitute uthers in thair places ; for ex- 
ampel : "Hand-ker-chief," iz diskarded and the wurd kel 
takes its place. I nok two sillabels out ov the wurd "an-ni- 
hi-late," making it ni-latc — a much beter and handier wurd. 
"Stom-ach," iz speld stum-ik, but it wil hold just az much 
az wen speld the old way and iz not haf so liabel to de- 



10 MENTAL DINAMITE 

ranjements. "Guess" iz rediucd to ges, gesd, gesing, etc. 
"Guest" iz chanjd to gest. "Shoe" iz chanjd to shu, shues, 
shued, shuing; wile "show' 'iz renderd sho, shoes, shoing, 
shoed, etc. "Gem" iz now jem, jemd, jeming, etc. "Heard" 
iz hurd. "Tongue" bekums tung; but this chanje wil not 
af fekt the runing ov that organ — espeshaly with the wimen. 
"Sock" bekums sok, but tha wil wear just as long wen speld 
korrektly. I don't beleev in speling wurds wun way and 
pronouncing them anuther way, just bekoz an old fogy by 
the name ov Webster woz foolish enuf to du so. Thare iz 
no rezun in the wurld wy we kan't hav a rashunal sistem ov 
speling, and al that stands in the way ov such a sistem iz the 
stupidity and prejudices ov the pepel. Soshalizm wud soon 
inaugurate the fonetik speling, for it iz the only party ov 
progres and that beleevs in having the very best ov every- 
thing. 



A BREEF BIOGRAFY OV DR. K. WADE MAK r 
BY HIZ FREND, THE FOOL KILER. 



The distingwishd and intellekchual kus hoo iz author ov 
this and meny uther books, furst made hiz appearanc in this 
wiked and foolish wurld near Fairfield, Iowa, on the nite ov 
Jan. 27, 1861, wen the thurmometer woz down to 29 degrees 
abuv the North Pole, and the "sine" woz rong and it woz 
so kold that the moon refuzd to moon and the twinkels ov 
the stars wur frozen into stellar icikels ; but az he bekame a 
citizen ov this monopolistik-republik and a life-member ov 
the human-race more to pleze hiz parents than enything else, 
he left the fixing ov the date ov hiz advent and uther minor 
details entirely to them and the nabors. Hiz daboo( debut) 
woz before a very smol but selekt audienc, konsisting en- 
tirely ov hiz immediate ancestors hoo wur very much rateld, 
and an Allopathik doktor hoo woz supremely indiferent az 
this woz not hiz in-ish-al seanc by several thouzands.. I feel 
quite surten that the subjekt ov this sketch wud never hav 
kum into this wurld at al if it had not bin for the influenc ov 
hiz parents — tha ar hopelesly to blame for the whole ka- 
lamity, and the nabors never quite forgave them for it. He 
woz named by hiz parents after themselvs and sum ov hiz 
muther's relativs, hiz altogether name being "Clarence 
Wade McCormick." The "Clarence" being in onor ov hiz 
muther's eldest sister, Mrs. Clara Armfield, ov New Orleans, 
Ta., hoo died soon after lurning ov it ; and the "W r ade" woz 



MENTAL DINAMITE II 

for anuther sister ov hiz muther's, Mrs. Mary Ellen Wade, 
ov Hannibal, Mo., hoo survivd 1 but a few years. It iz needles 
to sa that the "McCormick" part ov the name woz in onor ov 
hiz father, "Mr. Andrew McCormick," ov Shenandoah, 
Iowa, long sine dececd. On hiz fother's side he iz related to 
the late "Cyrus H. McCormick/' ov reaper fame, and on hiz 
muther's side he iz related to "Senator William B. Allison," 
of Dubuque, Iowa, and to "President William McKinley. 
Hiz muther woz an Allison and hur pepel went from Mary- 
land and Vurjinia to New Orleans, La. Hiz f other woz born 
and raized in Ohio, and hiz ancestors kame to Vurjinia from 
Ireland and Jurmany. In 1890 the subjekt ov this sketch ap- 
plied the "fonetik-ax" to hiz long and distingwishd name and 
kut it down to its prezent size and form — "Klarenc Wade 
Mak." Wen Dr. Mak took up the fonetik speling in 1890, 
konsistency kompeld him to apply it to hiz own name az wel 
az to uthers, for he nu that hiz fonetik teachings wud hav 
but litel effekt unles he applied them to hiz own name and 
praktisd them himself. Hiz nabors and frends always koled 
him "Mac" for short, wich he got to uzing for a literary 
nom-de-plume and liked it so wel that he went to speling it 
"Mak" insted ov "Mac." Az the name "Mak" woz so much 
more konveneyent than the old kumbersum "McCormick," 
he konkluded to uze it altogether az a purmanent name. An- 
uther rezun for kuting hiz name down woz the inkonveney- 
enc and annoyenc ov uther "McCormicks" geting hiz mail 
by mistake. Thare ar no uther rezuns for chanjing the spel- 
ing of and shortening hiz name. The yungster woz a pain- 
ful sukces from the start, and before twu weeks had gone 
up agenst the Morning-Glory-Vine, (wun ov Mak's fancy 
names for Deth) he had succeeded in konvincing both ov 
hiz parents that marraje woz a faleyur. He also erly (early) 
konvincd the nabors that life wud be much more dezirabel 
a fu hundred' miles distant, wich kozd meny ov them to sak- 
rifice thair property and muve away; tharefore, hiz fother 
soon akquired a great deal ov fine farm land very cheap. 
The kid woz begining to be a "blesing in disgize" — at least 
to hiz parent's. Before he woz 5 years old he had held sev- 
eral heated debates with hiz parents, behind klozd doors, on 
the questchun ov "korporal-punishment," agenst wich the 
fuchur "i\ Tental Sandow" took a furm and unkompromizing 
stand, wile hiz parents wur inklined to uphold the old Bibli- 
kal doktrin ov "spare-the-rod-and-spoil-the child." Before 
he had got next to hiz 7th burthda he had riten and read to 
hiz parents a lengthy and kaustik essa on "The Duties ov 
Parents to Thair Children," in wich he gave the "Old Fokes" 



12 MENTAL DINAMITE 

an abundenc ov good and nutirshus advice, but wich tha 
rudely deklined to folio. 

Wen he woz about 6 years old he woz sent to the komon 
distrikt skool, much to the regret ov the teacher and the 
uther pupils. In a fu weeks he woz kompetent to instrukt 
the teachers, and ere 3 munths had insinuated themselvs 
into the korrugated esofagus ov the kobweby and Kum- 
bakles Henc, he had establishd a "Nite Skool" for hiz par- 
ents hoom he woz deturmind to edukate at al hazards. He 
kontinued teaching hiz parents and attending the bi-yearly 
seshuns ov the distrikt skool until he woz about a duzen 
years gone, wen hiz fother konkluded that a litel manual 
farm labor between the skool seshuns wud be konduciv to the 
yung filosofer's helth; but he soon developd an antipathy 
for wurk that nuthing kud overkum, and az hiz fother woz a 
praktikal and sukcesful farmer and stok-inkubator, and a 
man ov good and sound judjment, wich hiz son refuzed to 
inherit, he purcevd that it wud be uceles to try and make an 
ajitator ov the soil out ov the lad; tharefore, it woz 
decided to fit the yungster for wun ov the lurnd pro- 
feshuns. It woz a prevalent idea ov the elder Mc- 
Cormick's that wen a boy woz lazy and utterly wurth- 
les and uceles for enything else, to make a doktor, 
lawyer or preacher ov him. Az Klarenc had sum good- 
nes and no piety, the law and theolojy wur abandund and it 
woz decided to make him a decipel ov Eskulapius — in uther 
wurds, a doktor. Shortly after this decizhun Mr. McCor- 
mick chanjd hiz mind and decided to make an astronomer ov 
hiz son, and immediately prokured for him sum books and 
charts on astronomy, a teleskope, etc., and turned him loos 
in the bak yard with hiz instruments and uther celestchal 
parafanaleya and gave him karte blanch to probe the ele- 
ments and to turn the hevens topsy turvy to hiz hart's kon- 
tent, but at the same time feeling sekretly glad for the stars 
and planets that tha wur safely out ov the yung man's reach. 
After a year ov diljent and profound resurch amung the 
stars and elements, McCormick, Jr., kud predikt with the 
most unfailing surtenty at sundown just how the weather 
had bin that da, and at the end ov anuther 6 munths ernest 
effort to get "next" to the profound and voicles mysteries ov 
the trakles kozmos, the fuchur Hurshel kud distingwish a 
rainstorm from a snoing without assistanc, and had dis- 
kuverd that thare woz not a drop ov milk in the whole 
blamed "Milky-Way." He also diskuverd that the "Big- 
Dipper" woz so ful ov holes it wudn't hold kobs let alone 



MENTAL DINAMITE 1-3 

woter, and that the "Major-Kanis" or great "Dog-Star" kud 
neither bark nor bite; he also got a trace ov the "Lost 
Pleiades" — tha had wonderd out ov thair way in surch ov 
"Charlie Ros" and an onest Republikan, and had lost thair 
bearing and had never bin abel to find thair way bak, and had 
bin traveling around in-kog ever sine thru Uropean Kapitols 
trying to sekure the "konsent" ov uther nashuns to "Bi- 
metalizm." The great "patriot," Edward O. Wolkot, ov 
Kolorado and Sheol, woz akting az thair chaperon and in- 
terpreter. Such fenomenal progres and dizy sukces woz en- 
tirely tu much for the elder McCormick, hoo peremptorily 
orderd the yung astronomer to turn the univurs over to it- 
self, and to inaugurate a vigorus and relentles kampane 
agenst a weedy potato patch with an old fashund, muzel- 
loading and flint-lok hoe ; but az Klarenc and the potato 
patch both objekted, the order woz revokd, and insted, the 
ex-astronomer woz requested to turn hiz prodijus and kolos- 
sal intellekt loos on Gra's Anatomy, Flint's Fiziolojy, Gros' 
Surjery, etc., and to daly take a "fol out" ov Webster's Un- 
'bridjd Bookshunarv, wich he did most sukcesfuly ; in fakt. 
hiz kritikal mind had not stroled more than 2 bloks into the 
great lexikon until he rlipantly announcd that the lurnd and 
venerabel Dr. Webster had "misd hiz koling" and kud du 
most eny old thing beter than he kud spel ; ofkours this an- 
nouncment and the flipant manner in wich it woz made, 
greatly shokd hiz parents hoo had bin betraed into the preva- 
lent supurstishun that the lurnd and pius Dr. Webster woz 
sum punkens on spelin'. Wot a great shok and humiliashun 
it wud hav bin to the pius Dr. Webster had he livd to meet 
our yung filolojist and from him lurnd that most ov the 
wurds in hiz great bookshunary ar mis-speld ! An erly deth 
often saves us meny sorroes. After he had delvd into the 
mysteries ov the human and uther organizms for a year, he 
kud ezily tel a holter-strap from a tape-wurm without as- 
siStanc — espeshalv if wnn ov them had a bukel on it and the 
uther wuii woz krawling around. At the end ov the 2nd 
year hiz medikal erudishun woz astounding : wy, he kud 
ezily diagnose a kace ov bleeding-piles from a roaring hed- 
ake — after the pashent had told him wich he had. It woz no 
trubel at al for him to diagnose a kace ov kompound-bad- 
breth from a kace ov konfluent-luv, nor to diagnose hayfever 
and appendicitis from insanity and kancer. With hiz pro- 
found erudishun and wizdum it woz just simply a wok-over 
for him to tel a supra-renal-kapsule from an ie-brow, and to 
tel by wnn glanc with both ies shut wether a man woz suf- 
ering from chanje-ov-life or intoxikashun. He kud also 



14 MENTAL DINAMITE 

tel a kof from a limp without asking a questshun, and kud 
distingwish sugar from quinine after tasting them. To tel 
lost-manhood from found-wumanhood and chilblanes from 
sunstroke and ingroen-toenails from leprosy, wur mere pas- 
time for him. Hiz medikal progres woz fenomenal and he 
woz surtenly destined to be a great doktor — so the nabors 
sed. The professors in the medikal kolledjes he attended 
wur indeted to him for most ov thair nolledj, but thair pro- 
feshunal jelusy wudn't let them aknolledj it. Al went along 
very smoothly until he woz about 13, wen he sudenly bid hiz 
projenitors good-bye wun da wile tha wur 20 miles absent, 
and, arraed in a pair ov blu overals, a plaid hikory shurt, 
wun striped bed-tik gallus, a rekd straw hat, a singel bladed 
jak-nife and 29 cents in kash, he sallied forth, barefooted 
;and alone, to konker the wurld and to karv hiz name on the 
Milky-Way opposit the postoffis. He woz surtenly wel 
equipd for akquiring fame. He boarded the furst train go- 
ing east and the pasenjers wur soon feeling sory for the kon- 
-duktor. That woz wun trip wen that konduktor ernd every 
cent ov hiz salary. He left Shenadoah, Iowa, (wher hiz 
parents wur then reziding) about 6 P. M., and the next da 
he woz in Illinois, the 2nd da he woz traveling in the Hoo- 
zher state, the 3rd da the former astronomer woz touring the 
Bukie relm in kog and a boxkar, and on the 4th da out the 
yung filosofer woz idly roaming the Blugras state, and on 
the 6th da out from the home shore we mid him lazhurly 
drifting down the restles and historik Ohio River on a 
.steamer bound for St. Louis and eturnity, az an onord gest 
*ov the kaptan, hoo had taken a liking to the lad on akkount 
ov the size and number ov the folchoods he related anent 
himself and hiz thriling and hair-bredth eskape from the In- 
dians in Western Nebraska, hoo had, he averd, kapchurd and 
slauterd hiz parents, bruthers and sisters. The slik and tek- 
.nikal manner in wich he outwited the konduktor, and thus 
won that funkshunary's good-wil and a fre ride from Shen- 
andoah to Burlington, Iowa, iz wurthy ov the historian's at- 
tenshun. "Tikets, pleze," sed the konduktor az he pauzd in 
frunt ov the yuthful pasenjer. "I havn't got eny tiket, Mis- 
ter," komplacently replied our yung filosofer. "Wher ar yu 
-going, sony ?" kooly inquired the "Knite-ov-the-Punch." I am 
going to Burlington," indiferently returnd the ex-astrono- 
mer. "The fare iz $6.50" sed the bos ov the train. "IV 
only got 29 cents," truthfuly returnd Mak. "Wel, yu kan't 
ride without a tiket or the muny," reluktantly sed the kon- 
duktor, "so yu must get of at the next stashun." Then the 
:konduktor pasd on and a number ov wel-dresd traveling 



MENTAL DINAMITE 15 

drumers and several kind harted old ladies hoo had bin in- 
terested listeners to the abuv dialog, krowded around our 
hero and with a fu simpathetik questchuns soon had him re- 
lating hiz hair-bredth eskape from the' kruel "Red-Man." 
The next stashun woz Essex, and wen the train stopd, our 
yung Bohemian obaed the konduktor's instrukshuns to the 
leter and "got of," but wen the train began to muve he got 
on agen and took the same seat he had bin okkupying, much 
to the surprize and satisfakshun ov the pasenjers hoo sup- 
pozd the lad had unexpektedly found sukor from sum un- 
noen sourc. Wen the konduktor kame thru the train for the 
tikets and spied the boy in hiz old seat tranquily taking in 
the cenery az tho he wur a foren tourist, he grabd him by 
the shoulder and inquired: "Look-a-here, sony, didn't I tel 
yu to get of wen we reachd that stashun bak thare?" "Yes, 
Sur, yu did, and I did just as yu told me to, but yu didn't tel 
me to sta of," triumfently ansurd the yung granjer, to the 
delite ov the pasenjers and the chagrin ov the konduktor, 
hoo saw that the lad had very kleverly outwited him on a 
teknikality. "Wei, now wen we get to the next stop, yu get 
of and sta of — du yu understand that ?" "Yes, Sur," politely 
assented the boy, "I wil du just az yu sa, for yu ar the chair- 
man ov this konvenshun wile I am only a delegate," much to 
the amuzement ov al the pasenjers.. The poor konduktor 
woz glad to eskape to the bagaje-kar to eskape the smiles ov 
the pasenjers. Wen the "next stop" woz made the yung 
statesman obaed the konduktor to the leter by "geting of" 
and "staing of" until the train started and then he got on 
agen and rezumed hiz former seat az tho the whole wurld 
woz kuming hiz way. The poor konduktor woz nokd of the 
Kristmas tre wen he saw the lad bak on the train agen, and 
this time he grabd him rather rufly by the kolar and yankd 
him out in the ile and reachd for the bel-rope to stop the 
train and put him of, wen the lad sed : "Hold on thare, 
Mister, I havn't disobaed yu in the least!" "Great Jumpin 
Jerusalem!" roared the now thuroly enrajd Knite-ov-the- 
Punch, "but listen to that!" "Yu told me to "get of" and 
"sta of," but yu didn't tel me how long to sta of, so I got bak 
on agen so az to ask yu how long yu wanted me to sta off?" 
Wei, the pasenjers yeld and went wild and made a rush for 
the boy and wudn't let the konduktor put him of, and in 
about the same time it takes a Kentukian to dispatch a pint 
ov bourbon, tha had $19.85 made up for the fuchur states- 
man, but the konduktor woz wite al thru and lafingly ak- 
noledjd hiz defeat and informd the pasenjers that the "litel 
kus" kud ride on hiz train to the krak-ov-doom if he wanted 



16 MENTAL DINAMITE 

to. He not only took the yung filosofer and Ananias thru 
with him to Burlington, but he got him hiz supper and gave 
him $2 besides, and the next morning wen tha got to Bur- 
lington he introducd the yung Gullivar to the konduktor 
hoo took char j ov the train thare and askd him to take the 
lad to Chicago with him and try and loos him in the Windy- 
City or drown him in the lake. If ever a train load ov pasen- 
jers wur entertaind by Munchausen folchoods, thoze pas- 
enjers on that train wur the most -fortchunate, for Mak re- 
hursd hiz wunderful and hair-raizing Indian story, and how 
tha had kapchurd and slauterd hiz entire family and several, 
ov thair nabors. He cheerfuly stated that tha had bin rezid- 
ing on a ranch away out in Nor western Nebraska. Hiz aje,. 
vurdant and innocent looks, hiz wunderful erudishun on 
every noen and unnoen subjekt, with hiz vivid, poetikal and. 
romantik imajinashun and hiz wunderful deskriptiv powers 
and skilful and diplomatik lying, kupeld with hiz Demokratik. 
nurv and Republikan cheek, intrepidity, and hiz uneke and 
skanty wardrobe, made him the cynashure ov al ies and the 
recipient ov much koin and envy. Hiz sojurn in the Mound 
City woz very breef, for a paket woz due to leve for Hanni- 
bal and Quincy in a fu hours, and az the kaptan ov the Ohio- 
boat woz a f rend ov the kaptan ov the Mississippi boat, the 
yung traveler woz properly introducd and korjualy en- 
dorsd az a very distingwishd Indian-fiter and skilful and 
plezing Ananias hooz' erudishun at times even astonishd the 
Almijhty. 

Az Kaptan Majors woz a jovial and good nachurd man 
and nu a good thing wen he "got next to it," the yung 
Bohemian's trip to Hannibal and Quincy woz a veritabel 
ovashun. Wen he landed at Quincy he had over $60, a new 
valece, twu suits ov klothes, a pair ov shues and a soft, felt 
blak hat, al ov wich had bin prezented to him by hundreds 
ov pepel hoo had listend to and apprecitaed hiz wunderful- 
abilities az a klasikal prevarikater. Several kind harted old 
ladies wanted to adopt the "poor boy" after tha had hurd 
him relate hiz wunderful eskape from the "nobel Red-man," 
and the pathetik story ov the kruel manner in wich tha had 
kapchurd and slauterd hiz parents ; but wen the kaptan or 
konduktor had koold thair '.enthusiazm by asshuring them 
that the lad's story woz purely Munchausen, sum ov them 
wanted to send him to the Reform-skool, wile uthers thot it 
a. pity that such rare talent woz not regularly employ d on 
the dal'y pres or relijus jurnals. At Hannibal (to wich town 
he returnd after a short and eventful sta ov 3 daes in 



MENTAL DINAMITE 17 

Quincy) hiz muther kapchurd him wile he woz viziting sum 
ov hur relatives, and took him bak to the home korral on 
the western praries ov Iowa. She arrivd at Hannibal just in 
time, for he had al hiz arranjements made to depart the 
same da for the Krescent City; in fakt, he had the "Fother- 
ov-Woters" al brideld and sadeld and woz just ready to 
mount this damp and restles steed at Hannibal wen hiz ma- 
ternal ancester "hove to" and turnd the "bloks" agenst him. 
Az he kud not get in the "klear," he woz kompeld to return 
to the Hawkie-state. During that notabel trip he akquired 
a great deal ov uceful wizdum that haz bin ov the utmost 
valu to him ever sine. He remaind at home now and dili- 
jently pursued hiz studies, edukated hiz parents and as- 
sisted with the farm wurk, etc., until hiz 15th year wen hiz 
fother wonderd up the Morning-Glory-Yine. He kontinued 
hiz studies more dilijently now than ever, inkluding Darwin, 
Hurburt Spencer, Humboldt, Agassis, Hakel, Audubon, 
Gibbon, Draper, Lyel, Yoltare, Tyndal, Paine, Frenolojy, 
Fiziogomy, Hipnotizm, Elektricity, Yolney's Ruins, the 
Kristchun bibel and uther relijuns. This woz quite a list for 
a lad ov 15 to takel, but then nuthing woz tu big nor great 
for Mak to undertake. Wen he woz 17 he led hiz furst 
onslaut on Inglish gramar, and in les than a year he had 
masterd the whole subjekt and had riten a komplete text 
book on gramar, wich he afterwards publishd in Minne- 
apolis, Minesota, in 1886. This gramar iz undoutedly the 
best wurk on gramar extant toda, and in the near fuchur the 
doktor wil publish a new and enlarjd fonetik edishun ov it. 
During 1886 he dezined and publishd a pekuleyur statist- 
ical map ov the United States. It woz publishd in the re- 
lijus and vurchuus city ov Omaha, Nebraska. Hiz next 
literary ventchur woz a wurk on fiziolojy and hijene, but 
wich he woz unabel to publish for lak ov means. At about 
16 years ov aje he began to kultivate the "Muses" and rite 
poetry, a great deal ov wich woz published by editors ov 
poor judj merit and hoo wur hard up for kash. At about 17 
he began hiz lekchur kareer wich he iz yet pursuing in spite 
ov the fakt that 95 per cent ov the pepel ar densly ignorant 
and wud rather hav sumthing to put in thair empty and 
yurning guts than al the lekchurs in the wurld. A brutal 
prize-fite between twu human beings wil draw a larjer au- 
dienc than al the talent in the wurld put together. Mak 
ucd to sarkastikaly remark, wen he kame out on the staje 
in frunt ov 3 or 4 pepel, that "al the intclijcnt wuns in town 
ar prezent and I don't expekt the uthers." Hiz lekchurs ar 
al good, for he told me so himself; besides, he always at- 



18 MENTAL DINAMITE 

tends them himself, no matter how meny good 1 attrakshuns 
ar going on al around him. Wy, he wud even mis prar- 
meeting to attend wun ov hiz own lekchurs. Thoze hoo 
never attended eny ov hiz lekchurs ar jeneraly prejudicd 
agenst them. Hiz fearles and pursistent attakts on the 
Kristchun and al uther relijuns, rum, tobako, medicin, inter- 
est, rents, profits, taxes, metal-muny, tarif, vaxinashun, kor- 
sets, Webster's speling, and meny uther things he kon- 
siders rong and injurius, hav made milyuns ov enemies for 
him ; but no power in al this wurld haz ever yet bin abel to 
bribe him or induce him to let up on wotever he thinks iz 
rong and fraudulent. He haz always hated injustis and 
tyrany, and haz ever bin a fearles defender ov the truth, 
justis, liberty, equolity, helth, humanity, edukashun, tem- 
peranc, (both in eting and drinking) onesty, etc. He began 
hiz lekchuring in kuntry skool houses and haz lekchurd in 
everything from a sod-skool-hous on the arid pampas ov the 
"Sun-flower-state" to the finest muzik hols and theaters in 
the kuntry. Hjiz furst politikal speeches wur made for 
James G. Blaine in 1884. At that time he did not noe enuf 
about politiks to noe that both old parties wur the same 
hyena-snake and wur totaly and hopelesly rong on al sub- 
jekts. During 1880, 1881 and 1882 he attended medikal kol- 
ledj at St. Joseph, Mo. He stood very hi (6 feet) in al the 
klases and in the estimashun ov the professors — espeshaly 
az a umorist and "filosofer." If eny thing woz amis around 
the kolledj or about the dissekting rooms it woz always lade 
on Mak on jeneral principels, for he woz konsiderd a kace 
ov "total depravity," but az total depravity woz a komon 
malady amung al medikal students, Mak did not feel very 
badly about it. Then he praktisd medicin more or les for 
the next ten years, wen he entirely abandoned medicins in 
hiz praktis, and haz bin denouncing it ever sine in hiz lek- 
churs and ritings. This brot down on him the rath and pur- 
sekushums ov the medikoes and uther orthodox numskuls ; 
but thair impotent rath woz only amuzement for Mak, for he 
had bekum akkustomd to al sorts ov rath by this time; in 
fakt, nearly every fraud and humbug in the kuntry had rathd 
him more or les. From 1884 to 1889 he had riten enuf 
poems and miscellaneus umorus matter to make a book ov 
300 pajes. He had this material al ready for publikashun 
in book form in 1889, but lost the manuskript thru theft in 
Omaha, Nebr. Hiz rooms wur burglarizd and the ms. 
woz taken along with hiz uther ef fekts. For a long wile the 
doktor beleevd the burglars wud return the manuskript and 
duly apolojize for taking such wurthles stuf, but tha didn't; 



MENTAL DINAMITE 19 

evidently tha felt sorry for the publik and destroyed it. 
And yet sum pepel think burglars ar inkapabel ov duing 
good! Perhaps tha wur rekles enuf to read it and it kttd 
them? But the doktor woz abel to re-produce sum ov it 
from memory and old news paper files, az sum ov the arti- 
kels had bin publishd. Theze with uthers he haz sine hatchd 
he wil sum time isshu in book form. In 1889 the doktor 
longd for new wurlds to konker and more trubel, so he 
enterd the charmd surkel ov "Jurnalizm," by starting a red- 
hot reform paper at Denver, Kolorado. It woz publishd 
weekly and bore the stranje name ov "THE GOLDEN 
PURHAPS." In 1890 he printed hiz paper in the reformd 
speling, and brot out a dubel edishun ov it — wun at Denver 
and the uther at Linkun, Neb. Nearly every wun agreed 
that the paper woz a holy terror and that its editor ot to be 
kild about 3 times. Ofkours, the doktor disagreed with hiz 
nabors on this, az on most uther sujekts; but az the editor 
woz akquiring a great deal more glory, kontumely and no- 
toriety than kash, he konkluded to let the paper go dam, 
wich he did in the omega ov 1890. Sine then he haz bin 
traveling most ov the time and giving lekchurs, riting on hiz 
books and teaching the sik and af flikted to ge twel by living 
rijht. Hiz pozishun iz that al disezes and wekeneses (out- 
side ov mekanikal injuries) ar kozd by violating the Laws- 
ov-Helth, and that the only way to get wel and remain wel 
iz to oba theze same laws. No doktor or drugist haz ever 
dared to meet Mak in debate on this subjekt, altho he haz 
repeatedly chalenjd them to du so, and haz offerd to pay al 
the expenses ov the debate. Mentaly, the doktor iz loaded 
for bear az wel az for snipe. Hiz fonetik dikshunary wil be 
hiz great life wurk; but az he kan only wurk on it at ods 
and ends ov time. I du not noe wen he wil hav it kom- 
pleted. In the subsequent part ov 1893 tfit doktor decided 
to ad matrimony to hiz uther trubels, and on the 4th ov Jan- 
uary, 1894, he woz united in marraje to the butiful and ak- 
komplished yung pianist and vokalist, Mis Paulene Kooper, 
ov DeMoin, Iowa. Tha wur married in Webb City, Mo. on 
the staje ov the Webb City Opera Hous, and in the presenc 
ov 500 pepel hoo had just listend to the doktor's lekchur on 
MARRAJE and LUV. Tha wur married surrounded by 
about 100 grining skills wich the doktor uzes to illustrate hiz 
lekchurs and to sho the pepel how sukcesful he had bin wen 
he ucd to uze medicins in hiz praktis. It woz an exceedingly 
uneke and orijinal affair and properly astonished the nativs. 
After this marraje the doktor began to get baldheded at a 
rate entirely inkonsistent with hiz aje; but he iz gallant and 



20 MENTAL DINAMITE 

diplomatik enuf, however, to blame it al on the wearing ov 
plug-hats. In 1890 he also began a thuro study ov politiks, 
muny, Sosohalizm, etc., and in 1895 he rote and published a 
smol pamflet on the muny questchun, entiteld, "MUNY- 
OLOJY," in wich he klearly and sarkastikaly set forth hiz 
ideas ov "finances," and incidentaly, pade the Kleveland ad- 
ministrashun sum very jucy kompliments. He distributed 
more than 50,000 ov this pamflet during the kampane the 
following year. In 1896 the doktor made meny speeches for 
Wilyum J. Bryan, and wich he haz ever sine regreted. 
Theze speeches he made entirely at hiz own expens. Sine 
1898 the doktor haz konkluded to be a kandidate for the 
presidency himself if he kan find eny party that iz foolish 
enuf to nominate him. He haz prepared and publishd a 
"komplete platform on wich he iz wiling to make the race, 
and I kan ashure an expektant wurld that it iz a platform 
that kan plat. Hiz platform iz so konstrukted that only in- 
telijent and onest pepel kan stand on it, and for that very 
rezun it wud fail, for the onest and intelijent pepel ar in 
such a hopeles minority tha look like 30 cents after a wuman 
riaz bot an Easter hat with it. Dr. Mak haz traveld and lek- 
churd in every state and territory in the U. S. except Alaska. 
He haz also traveld and lekchurd a litel in several foren 
kuntries. Altogether he haz traveld more than 500,000 
miles and given more than 2,000 publik lekchurs on varius 
topiks, ranjing from the "Orijen and Destiny ov Wurlds" 
down to "Grashopers," the "Tarif " and "Damfools !" Thare 
never woz a subjekt tu big nor tu deep for the doktor to 
takel wether he nu enything about it or not. He haz made a 
fu unsmol mistakes and a fu jucy bids for the survices ov 
the Fool-Kiler, but he never uzd booz, tobako nor gambeld, 
never likd hiz wife nor sasd hiz muther-in-law, and never had 
eny serius eskapades with the sex immediately opposit. He 
furst fel in luv wen he woz 13 years on, and wen he dis- 
kuverd that tJhe tol and dusky Sunflower hoo had won hiz 
affekshuns had married the uther fello, it affekted him very 
much like sumer kolik or the old fashund, muzel-loading, 
flint-lok belyake, and it took him almost a da and a half to 
get over it, and it hapend ri j lit in the center ov the bizy 
harvest sezun wen al hands wur needed in the harvest patch. 
The doktor told me years afterward that he had no idea wot 
a serius and painful thing frakchurd-luv is. The doktor haz 
enkounterd a great deal ov pursekushun (a fate komon to al 
reformers from Krist and Galileo to Koxy and Karrie 
Nashun) and haz often bin arrested and imprizond in jails 
bekoz he refuzd to be suppresd and robed by a lot ov un- 



MENTAL DINAMITE 21 

klean, kowardly and villenus kyotes koling themselvs "City 
Authorities," under the flimzy gize and hipokritikal pretext 
ov "Licens for Lekchuring," etc. And the fakt that the lek- 
churs being fire made no diferenc with the skoundrels. In 
sum towns the pius vultchurs wanted him to pay $50 a da 
for "praktising medicin," and al bekoz he woz a "traveling 
doktor." Wun wud think from the abuv that "traveling" woz 
a krime in this alledjd "fre" kuntry, for the doktors hoo 
don't travel ar never subjekted to such shameful outrajes. 
It iz no wunder the skunks hangd Krist, for he woz a "trav- 
eling doktor" and did not beleev in medicins. The real ob- 
jekt ov al theze licenses iz to rob the traveling doktor and to 
protekt the ignorant and raskaly lokal quaks from kompe- 
tishun. If the so-koled "regular" doktors (thoze hoo don't 
travel nor advertize) wur more sukcesful in kuring the sik 
than the traveling wuns ar, the latter wud get no praktis at 
al, and wud soon go into sum uther biznes. The only rezun 
the kuntry iz sworming with traveling quaks iz bekoz the 
untraveling charlatans utterly fail to giv the pepel the releef 
tha want and shud hav. Pepel never rezort to the itinerent 
doktor until tha hav furst tried and failed on the home or 
lokal wuns. Theze ar bitter pils for the "regulars" to swollo, 
and I am not inklind to shugar-koat them in the least. The 
dam-fools go to the pols and vote for a kompetitiv sistem ov 
duing biznes, and then tha wil turn rijht around and arrest 
every wun hoo dares to kompete with them. Tha ar a hot 
bunch ov lolla-paloozers hoo ar short on brains and long on 
guts reproduktiv abilities. 

In Sept., 1898, the doktor rote and publishd a smol book, 
entiteld : "THE LAWS ov Helth." He only publishd a 
smol edishun ov this book, 10,000 kopies, wich he sold at hiz 
lekchurs the next 3 years. In konkluzhun I wil ad that the 
subjekt ov this sketch haz varied in wate from 12 to 265 
pounds in the shade — he iz 6 feet up az the kro flies, medium 
blond, mixed temperament, purfekt helth, an expert swimer, 
runner, jumpist, a very smol etist, a good al-around sleepist, 
an akkomplishd kook, plaes a duzen muzikal instruments, 
sketches a litel, iz a kronik poet, a umorist, a skool-mam, a 
theoretikal farmer, a profeshunal frenolojist, a jurnalist, a 
dramatist, a novelist, a statesman, an orator, an ethnolojist, 
a fizishan and helth-teacher, etc. He kan ete in eny lang- 
widj and kan sew karpet-rags like a nativ and krosha like an 
Indianan, and kan sware like a nativ Kansas Methodist try- 
ing to steer a pair ov red and orfan mules adown a pair ov 
unparallel korn roes. I hav hiz own wurd for it that he kan 



22 MENTAL DINAMITE 

sing, but uther historians questchun this. But hiz singing, 
nevertheles, iz a very valuabel akkomplishment and haz on 
several okkashuns savd hiz life — wen he woz out in the 
woods alone at nite and woz thretend by the prowling deni- 
zens ov the forest. He iz a Darwinian Evolushunist, a Ma- 
terialist, an Atheist, a Frethinker, A Soshalist, a teetotaler 
and a beleever in monogamus marraje and bi-sexual vurchu. 
Under the prezent form ov guvernment he beleevs in paper 
muny only and f re-trade. Hiz motto haz always bin: 
"Trete uthers as yu wud hav them trete yu," and mind your 
own biznes and let uthers attend to thairs in thair own way. 
Never denounc a thing yu don't noe enything about, and 
hear al sides before forming a pozitiv opinyun. Never tel a li 
if yu kan posibly pom the truth of on the pepel. He rote this 
book bekoz he kud not get eny wun else to rite it for him, 
and bekoz he onestly thinks that every wun hoo reads it wil 
be benefited and made wizer and beter thareby. Wotever 
may be the judjment ov the wurld on this book, no wun kan 
ever truthfuly akkuze its author ov being a koward, a hipo- 
krit or a toady, and hiz privet and publik life wil kom'pare 
most favorably with Jorj Worshington and Abraham Lin- 
kun, and wen he haz bin dececd az long az the former jen- 
telman, he wil hav a monument so altitudinus that it wil hav 
sno on its apex the year around. Nun ov us ever bekum 
realy great until we hav bin ded long enuf for the pepel to 
hav forgoten our folts, and no dout the modest kus hoo iz 
responsibel for this book wil be az great az eny ov them sev- 
eral milyun ov years after he haz meanderd up the Arbutis 
Plant. The doktor's parents ar also responsibel for three 
uthier children — One ov hoom haz tried the shade ov the 
Morning-Glory-Vine, and the uthers ar yet trying the Mc- 
Hannafelt-prosperity. Yours for Truth, justis and Liberty 
for Al, 

The FOOL-KILER, 
Su Fols, South Dakota, Okt. 3, 1898. 



MENTAL DINAMITE 23 



SUBSEQUENT and ADDISHUNAL BIOGRAFY. 

BY 

The Fool-Kiler. 

Sine riting the abuv biografy ov Dr. Mak, nearly 7 years 
hav krept down the korridor ov TIME and insinuated them- 
selvs into the kloudles and stormles harbor ov the PAST — 
the Cemetery-ov-the-Ajes — the Nekropolis-ov-Eturnity. The 
doktor haz kontinued to Iekchur, teach and rite, and haz bin 
out ov the U. S. several times and into trubel with the City 
Banditti and uther pestiferus grafters in various parts ov 
the U. S. O. G. Thoze inishals stand for United-States-Ov- 
Graft, for this whole kuntry, under the diabolikal influenc 
ov the kapitalists, haz dejenerated into wun grand and vast 
institushun ov graft and krime, insanity and inebriety, rong 
and retchednes, poverty and dejeneracy. Anuther hundred 
years under the prezent (July, 1906) insane and kriminal 
razheem, and the human race wil hav bekum extinkt thru 
dejeneracy and voracity. During the kampanes ov 1900 and 
1904 Dr. Mak took and aktiv part in the Soshalist party and 
made meny speeches for Ujene V. Debs and the Soshalist 
koz, for he now realizes that Soshalizm iz the only remedy 
that kan rem and the only panacea that kan pan. In Novem- 
ber, 1901 he published 92 ov his poems in book form in St. 
Paul, Minn. He woz only abel to ishu a smol edishun for 
lak ov means, and it woz sold at hiz lekchurs during the 
folloing twu years. Sine Nov., 1901, he haz riten more than 
150 new poems, meny ov wich ar meritorius enuf to hav bin 
riten by a good poet. Thare iz wun good thing I want to 
say in the doktor's favor, before I forget it, and that iz that 
he never read eny ov his poems to hiz audiences, with but 
wun excepshun, and that woz at Karthaje, Mo., and then he 
only did so under protest to pleze the audienc hoo klamord 
for it, not noeing wot tha wur inviting upon themselvs. 
And to sho that tha wur realy game tha vociferusly ap- 
plauded it and had the kuraje to ask for more. Thoze fetch- 
taked Missourians ar a pluky lot eny way. Tha had evi- 
dently hurd that the doktor's poems wur the limit, but tha 
had to be shoen. Wen the doktor haz a real grudj at an 
audienc hiz favorit way ov geting even with them iz to lok 



24 MENTAL DINAMITE 

the doors and sing to them. That wil koz the most ob- 
streperus and kantankerus audienc to run up the wite-flag 
and unkondishunaly surrender. During the spring ov 1901 
the doktor had the plazhur ov meeting the famus Karrie 
Nashun at the Uneyun Stopo in Kansas City, Mo. Tha at 
wunc got into a red-hot argument wich tha kontinued on the 
Santa Fe train al the way to Topeka, Kansas, wher tha both 
disembarkd and kontinued the diskushun up the street to 
Karrie's offis and turminated it thare wen the doktor had to 
quit in order to take hiz train to Salina, Kansas. During 
the winter ov 1905-06, he opend a HELTH SKOOL in To- 
ledo, Ohio, and taut privet klases til April, and then he went 
out and lekchurd thru Ohio until June wen he drifted into 
Detroit, Mich. He iz now in Detroit kondukting hiz Helth- 
Skool and revizing hiz varius books and riting new wuns. 
Dr. Mak haz met the f olloing noted pepel during hiz travels : 
Charles Darwin, Hurbert Spencer, Lebnecht, Henry Irving, 
Booth & Barret, McCullough, Barnum, Ingersol, Bill Nye, 
James Whitcom Riley, Gen. Lew Wallace, Gen. Grant, Gen. 
Miles, Chester A. Arthur, Benjamin Harrison, Grover 
Cleveland, James A. Garfield, Wm. McKinley, Ole Bull, 
Remenya, Paderewiski, Patti, Melba, Bernhardt, Ruben- 
stein, Ella Wheeler Wilcox, Ruby Archer, Ujene Field, 
Ujene V. Debs, Mary Ellen Lease, Karrie Nashun, Cole 
Younger, Frank James, Winnie Davis, Winifred Townsend, 
Maud Powel, Richard Mansfield, Walter Hurt, Brann, Wm. 
J. Bryan, Mark Hanna, Gov. Hogg, James B. Weaver, Tom 
Watson, Clay Clement, Pierepont Morgan, O. S. Fowler, 
Nelson Sizer, Tom. B. Reed, Opie Read, James G. Blaine, 
Peter Cooper, Tomas A. Edison, Nicola Tesla, Blind Tom, 
Blind Boone, Gov. Waite, Rufus Petigrew, Gov. Altgeld, 
Herr Mostt, J. A. Wayland, Prof. Windsor, Santanelli, Flint, 
Dowie, Ballington Booth, and the Devil. 
Michiganly Yours, 

THE FOOL-KILER. 
Detroit, Mich., July 9, 1906. 



MENTAL DINAMITE 25 

NOTE: Thruout this book each Provurb or chunk ov 
Mental Dinamite is number d so az to facilitate referenc to 
eny partikular wun. 

1. Never tel a li if yu kan posibly pom the truth of on 
the pepel. 

2. A homely Truth iz always more butiful than a prity 
Folchood. 

3. Minding your own biznes wil often keep yu out ov 
the hospital. 

4. Az Rong-Living kozes al disezes, Rijht-Living wil 
kure them. 

5. How long wil it take yu to get wel by violating the 
Laws-ov-Helth every da? 

6. If the Medicin-Doktors, Osteopaths, Magnetik-Heal- 
ers, Kristchun Scientists, etc., kan "kure" disezes, az tha 
klaim, wy don't tha kure themselvs and thair own families ? 

7. If thare iz eny vurchu in medicins, wy ar doktors and 
medicins both so rapidly on the inkrece ? 

8. A doktor hoo iz unabel to keep himself wel iz not 
kompetent to trete uthers. 

9. If your family doktor iz such a good fizishan, wy 
hazn't he kured yu ? He either kan't or don't want to ; and 
in either kace yu shud konsult your own interests and get 
rid ov him. 

10. How du the uther animals manaje to keep wel with- 
out medicins and doktors? Kan't yu du az wel az tha du? 
Or, ar tha superior to yu in intelijenc? It surtenly looks 
that way! 

11. The rezun pepel ar sik and mizerabel iz bekoz tha 
don't noe how to keep wel and be hapy. Then wy don't 
tha lurn how ? Bekoz tha havn't got sens enuf to realize 
that al thair suferings kum from ignoranc. 

12. Wen pepel quit duing wot makes them sik, tha wil 
soon get wel ; but tha ar not intelijent enuf to noe this, and, 
tharefore, keep rijht on duing the things that make them 
sik. 

13. Long az yu oba the Laws-ov-Helth yu wil hav helth, 
and long az yu violate thoze laws yu wil hav siknes ; so it iz 
up to yu wether yu wil hav helth or disezes. 

14. The Medicin-Doktors either kan't kure yu or else tha 
don't want to, and in either kace yu ar very foolish to kon- 
tinu with them ; for if tha kan't kure yu it iz bekoz tha ar 
inkompetent and don't noe how, and if tha kan kure yu and 



26 MENTAL DINAMITE 

won't du so, it iz bekoz tha ar disonest ana find it more pro- 
fitabel to themselvs to keep yu sik and humbug yu by seling 
yu thair uceles vizits and wurthles and poizonus medicins ; 
tharefore, I sa unto yu, wot du yu expekt to gain by employ- 
ing doktors to doktor yu hoo kan't or won't kure you? Du 
yu think yu kan gain eny thing or get the best ov the bargain 
by thus humbuging yourself ? Think this over a fu milyuns 
ov years and se if yu kan't obzurv the kulord jentelman in 
the woodpile. 

15. Sum pepel ar so ridikulusly prejudiced tha wud 
rather be kild regularly than to be kured irregularly. 

16. It kosts a thouzand times more to be foolish than to 
be wize, but only the wize ar aware ov the f akt ; and about 
the most foolish thing eny wun kan du iz to remain sik and 
mizerabel rather than lurn how 'to get wel and be hapy. 

17. Equol rijghts and opportunities, exakt and uniform 
justis and liberty to al, and favors to nun, irrespektiv ov 
sex, race, kulor, aje or pozishun. And Soshalizm iz the 
only thing that kan bring al ov theze good gifts to al the 
pepel. 

18. Soshalizm iz that state, or kondishun ov society 
wherein each individual wil be given an equol opportunity to 
produc welth under the best posibel kondishuns ov welth- 
produkshun, and wil -be abelto enjoy the entire produkts ov 
hiz labor. This wil necessitate the kollektiv-ownership and 
demokratik manajement ov al the .. industries and tools ov 
produkshun and distribushun, thus eliminating al interests, 
rents and profits. Al things wud then be producd for uce 
and not to sel at a profit, so that only thoze hoo producd it, 
or did a necessary part' in its produkshun, wud be abel to en- 
joy it. Under this just and .sane sistem bv society thare wud 
be no drones nor krime, for 1 , the simpel rezun that no wun 
kud ete unles he producd, and no wun kud gain by krime. 

19. Stik to^the truth' and du al the good yu kan. 

20. Avoid rum, tobako, gambling,' medicins, korsets and 
everything that iz injurius to heltti and morality. 

21. Be regular a,nd temperate in al your habits and leve 
of al uceles, injuries and unnecessary habits. 

22. DR. MAK'S TEN H^LTP KOMMANDMENTS : 

a. Thou shal^hav plenty; ov pure air and sunshine. 

b. Thou shalt hav a ri j lit diet ov properly prepared and 
kombined foods. ; .. 

c. Thou shalt hav plenty ov pure (distild) woter. 



MENTAL DINAMITE 21 

d. Thou shalt hav plenty ov rest and sleep. 

e. Thou shalt du enuf onest and necessary wurk to pro- 
duce an equivalent ov wot thou konsumest. 

f. Thou shalt keep thy whole body, thy klothing, thy 
langwidj, thy mind, thy karakter, thy children, thy bed, thy 
hous and thy yard skrupuusly klene at al times. 

g. Thou shalt hav proper klothing and shelter and a 
nearly uniform temperachur ov about 75 Fahr. in the da 
time and about 70 Fahr. at nite. 

h. Thou shalt hav a proper mental-diet — edukashun and 
kultchur, and shalt be kind, cheerful, kurteus and mind thy 
own biznes. 

i. Thou shalt hav plenty ov exercise, rekerashun and 
amuzement, and shalt be onest, moral, vurchuus and tem- 
perate in al things, and shalt avoid injuring thyself and 
uthers. 

j. Thou shalt marry (if fit for marraje and parenthood) 
wen thou art 20 years old, if a wuman, and about 25 if a 
man, and thou shalt hav only helthy and thurobred children, 
and not more ov them than thou kanst properly feed, klothe 
and edukate, and about twu ar enuf, and tha shud be about 
5 years apart. 

23. Luv and kare for your family and trete uthers like yu 
want them to trete yu. 

24. Be kind and just to the uther animals, for tha hav 
the same rijht to life, liberty and the pursuit ov hapines 
that yu hav, and yu hav no rijht to kil them except in self- 
defenc. 

25. Don't uze your.stumiks for cemeteries in wich to 
bury ded animals : the fruits, nuts and vejetabels make a 
far beter diet, ar more nutrishus and ezier to dijest. Wot a 
horribel and disgusting thot it iz that every time yu want a 
meal tha re must be a murder and a funeral in the animal 
kingdom. How horribel it seems to yu to se a lion or tiger 
kil and devour a human being; wel, it seems just az revolt- 
ing to them to se yu kil and devour a chiken, a hog, a kaf or 
a sheep. Go out into the woods by yourself sum Sunda and 
think this over seriusly, and purhaps yu wil get a glimps ov 
yourself in your tru kulors — a blud-staind-kannibal. 

26. Only engaje in uceful and lejitimate okupashuns, 
and always giv a just equivalent for everything yu get. It 
iz the only onest and moral way. 

27. Don't dezire nor try to get sumthing for nuthing, 
for yu kan't du it without robing and injuring sum wun else, 



28 MENTAL DINAMITE 

and an injury to uthers wil always hurt yu. Be wiling to 
procluc wot yu want to konsume, and also be wiling: to ak- 
kord to al uthers the same nachural rijht. 

28. Vote for the party that wil giv you the most liberty, 
justis and hapiness — the Soshalist-party. 

29. Du your own thinking on al subjekts and onestly and 
fearlessly expres your thots in a kurteus manner, and ak- 
kord to uthers the same rijht. Hear ai sides and then decide 
without fear or prejudic. 

30. Denouncing a thing before yu have seen or hurd it 
or noe eny thing about it iz only advurtizing the fakt that 
yu kan step on your own ears. A vurdikt that iz formd be- 
fore hearing either side ov a kace, or that iz renderd after 
hearing only wun side, iz utterly unjust, unkonstitushunal 
and unreliabel. Only a prejudicd and disonest ignoramus 
wud be gilty ov such an outraje. 

31. Teers ar soul-swet — agonizd dewdrops on broken 
harts. 

32. Taking or receving enything from anuther without 
rendering a just equivalent for it, iz robery. Yu may be 
disonest and konvenshunal enuf to kol it "biznes" etc., but 
the name yu apply to it duz not olter the fakts in the kace, 
and, tharefore, duz not make it les nor uther than robery. 

33. Wen the Poor steal from the Rich, the Rich desig- 
nate it by its proper titel — "theft/' but wen the Rich steal 
from the Poor, tha kol it "intesest," "rent," "profit,'' "tax," 
"spekulashun," "biznes," "kommishun," etc., and the Poor 
ar foolish enuf to beleev that such damnabel transakshuns ar 
onorabel and lejitimate. 

34. The rezun the Poor wil not vote' agenst the parasites 
and thair skin games, iz bekoz tha, themselvs, hav strong 
dezires and ambishuns to bekum parasites and operate skin 
games. 

35. The Wurkers hav 85 votes to the Shurkers 15, and 
yet the Shurkers elekt every man from prezident down to 
the smolest dog-katcher. Wunder wy? Bekoz theze same 
Wurkers ar foolish enuf to vote the Shurkers tikets and 
thus help elekt thair enemies to of fis ; and then between 
elekshuns theze same brite? Wurkers toil and swet from 
dewy morn to shadoy nite in order to kreate enuf welth for 
theze offishal Shurkers to liv on. Eny animal that wil uze 
its vote and influenc to elekt its enemies to offis iz not en- 
titeld to eny beter diet than gras, and that shud be plenti- 
fuly mixd with weeds and be very short and dry. 



MENTAL DINAMITE 29 

36. Nachur (the Great Al-Muther) intended the erth 
and al its resources az a fre gift to al hur krechurs ; thare- 
fore, tha al hav an equol rijht to theze nachural inheritenees, 
and nun hav a rijht to monopolize them. It iz a great krime 
to "oim% >} "rent" or "sel" the erth or eny part ov it. No 
purson shud be kompeld to pay tribute to anuther for the 
priviledj ov living on the erth or uzing it, for it iz not the 
produkt ov eny wun's labor, and, tharefore, duz not by in- 
herent rijht belong to eny wun, except for uce to supply hiz 
needs. Thare iz plenty ov land, woter and uther nachural 
materials for us al, and man iz the only krechur that monop- 
olizes theze nachural gifts, and thus makes life a hel-on-erth. 
Man iz the meanest and most selfish old bowleged hog that 
ever rooted hiz way down the korridors ov Time in hot and 
ceceles pursuit ov sumthing to put in hiz guts. 

37. Hope iz the Rainbo that Dezire sees in Eturnity. 

38. Life iz but a fruitles effort to avoid the Inevitabel. 

39. The darker the mind the more spiritual lite it kon- 
tains. 

40. Relijun iz the name that Politenes and Hipokrisy 
kol Ignoranc. 

41. Punishment iz fZ-tretement and wil never kure 
Moral-ailments. It wud be az sensibel to try and kure ru- 
matizm by abuzing and injuring the pashent. The beter the 
tretement the beter the rezults. Kriminals ar weke, defektiv 
and disezd moraly, and thair tretement shud be such az to 
remuve the kozes ov sed moral defekts. That iz, thair 
Moral and Intellekchual fakulties must be developd until 
tha ar strong and aktiv enuf to kontrol and gide the Pashuns 
and Appetites, for al krime iz kommited under the kontrol ov 
theze latter fakulties. It iz al a questchun ov kontrol be- 
tween the Moral and Intellekchual fakulties and the Pash- 
uns and Appetites, but it iz imposibel to fuly understand this 
without a nolledj ov Frenolojy. (Se my book — Brainolojy.) 

42. Luv iz the best fruit that groes on that Mental-tre — 
the BRAIN. It iz the regenerating power ov the soul. 

43. The Human Mind often finds its greatest plazhur in 
riding Memory bak thru the Vast and Voicles Past. 

44. Deth iz but a noizles, kloudles, frostles, musketoles 
and bedbugles NITE that haz no morning at the uther end 
ov it. 

45. Relijun iz a m'ental-korset that priestkraft puts on 
the brain ov childhood to prevent it from groing and think- 
ing. 



30 MENTAL DINAMITE 

46. "Heven" and "Hel" ar the twu 6-shooters with wich 
priestkraft holds up and robs numskuls and kowards. 

47. Hope, the brite Ie-ov-Luv, kan se beyond the "Dark 
River" and diszurn a "star" upon the "Uther Shore." 

48. Az pepel du not start for "Heven" until tha ar ded, 
it iz no wunder tha never reach thair destinashun. 

49. Thoze hoo beleev in a place ov eternal punishment ar 
just about mean enuf to dezurv such place themselvs. 

50. Kristchianity iz a pekuleyur species ov insanity, and 
thoze afflikted with it beleev that Deth wil not kil them and 
that tha must di in order to be "savd." If deth won't kil the 
fools, I wud like to noe wot wud? Wil Karrie NashUn or 
Sam Jones explain? 

5 1 . Kindnes and Kurtesy ar the twu kees that wil unlok 
every door to a wuman's hart. 

52. Praing iz like shooting at the stars — a waste ov am- 
munishun. 

53. Unkind wurds and folchoods ar buzards that wil kum 
home to roost sumtime. Kind wurds and truth ar so much 
beter, and wen tha return agen tha wil be al dekd out in 
flowers and purfumd with hawthorn-blossoms. 

54. Wizdum iz the Purfekt Fruit that groes only on the 
great Tre-ov-Nolledj and Hapines iz its Purfume. 

55. Relijus pepel mistake thair koinpound ignoranc and 
konfluent stupidity for piety and goodnes. 

56. A "Gold-bug" iz the meanest and most poizonus in- 
sekt that ever did an evil stunt in the arena ov human life. 
Bed-bugs and tape-wurms ar edukated and moral jentelmen 
kompared with "Gold-bugs." 

57. Prudes ar sanktified freaks hoo mistake thair kom- 
pound ignoranc, konfluent hipokrisy and komminuted impu- 
denc for modesty. 

58. Az Rong Thinking ledes to Rong Akting, and 
Rong-akts koz al the trubel and sufering in the wurld, it 
lojikaly folloes that Rijht-thinking wil lede to Rijht-akting, 
and Rijht-akts wil bring helth and hapines to al. Akquire 
the habit ov Rijh ^-thinking. 

59. Pepel beleev in a "saveyur" just in proporshun to 
thair need ov wun. Good-pepel hav nuthing to be savd 
from, and bene, hav no need for such a uceles artikel az a 
"saveyur." If I did the mean things that most Kristchuns 
du every da* I wud beleeve in a "saveyur," tu, and an AL- 
MIJHTY wun at that. 



MENTAL DINAMITE 31 

60. Planting "Hallelujah" trees in the "next wurld" wil 
not produc eny fruit nor shade in this wurld. Put in your 
spare time planting flowers, fruit and shade trees in this 
wurld. 

61. Paving the streets ov "Heaven" with "pure gold" 
wil not impruve the .sidewoks ov this wurld eny. 

62. Insanity iz a mind with its troly twisted. If eny ov 
the lurnd alienists kan get up a beter definishun than this 
wun, we wud like to se it. 

63. Relijun haz kild enuf pepel to sink the kombined 
navies ov the wurld, and yet the pepel ov the United States 
ar paying more than a bilyun a year to hav it taut to them- 
selvs and thair children. "Wot fools theze mortals be." 
Shake, old boy, yu are rijht. 

64. Kristchianity iz fashunabel stupidity, insanity, im- 
pudenc and hypokrisy maskurading az morality. 

65. Kapitalizm iz the most terribel diseze that ever af- 
flikted the human-race, and Relijun iz its rijht-bower. Kap- 
italizm iz the blak and putrescent ulcer and Relijun iz its 
skab. 

66. Every church iz a rekruiting stashun for the peni- 
tensharies and insane asilums. Scientifik edukashun iz the 
only remedy. 

67. The Human-animals beleev tha noe it al, 
And that's wot kozes the jakases to fol. 

68. Sum pepel ar tu slo to keep up with thair own 
shadoes. 

69. Flurting iz making "goo-goo-ies" at the uther sex 
without the konsent and ko-operashun ov the hart ; in short, 
it iz the poor art ov making luv without luv — feeding Van- 
ity and Amativnes on hart-husks and soul-straw. 

70. Lots ov pepel wud be konsiderd krazy if it wozn't 
for thair insanity. 

71. Pepel must be very ignorant, slo and filthy to let the 
Smolpox katch them. (West Plains, Mo., papers, pleze 
kopy.) 

72. Wen wimen hav dogs for luvers and kompanyuns 
thair souls ar ded and thair minds ar so disezd and dejener- 
ate tha hav to go away down in the animal fauna to the 
kanine species in order to find suitabel kompanyuns. The 
dogs hav our entire sympathy. 

73. W T e ar never tu tired nor tu bizy to du the things we 
shudn't du. 



32 MENTAL DINAMITE 

74. The only rezun the Uther Animals ar helthy, moral 
and hapy iz bekoz tha don't try to humbug each uther. 
Humans, take a hint. 

75. The wurst enemy the laboring man haz iz hiz own 
ignoranc. 

76. NACHUR never attaches our "tooties" to the Morn- 
ing-Glory-Vine until we hav bekum unfit to liv eny longer ; 
and then, in kindnes to ourselvs and uthers, she spits on hur 
litel finger and spunjes us of the slate-ov-life. After a pur- 
son violates the laws-ov-helth for a surten length ov time 
and to a sruten extent, he bekums so unfit to liv that Nachur 
iz kompeld to push him of the Kristmas-Tre and kik him 
over the Brink-ov-the-Probably. 

J/. The most ov us wud du a litel shudering if we kud 
se ourselvs thru our nabor's ies. 

78. In fakt, if we kud se ourselvs thru our nabor's 
optiks the most ov us wud look like 30 cents after a wuman 
had bot an Easter hat with it. 

79. The sadest spektabel in the wurld iz that prezented 
by Human-beings trying to get the best ov the bargen by 
humbuging themselves. It iz like cheating wile plaing soli- 
tare. 

80. The most fatal diseze ov yuth iz "Noe-it-al-i-tiv-nes." 
Nuthing but Aje and Bitter Experienc wil kure it. 

81. A Smile iz a ripel ov hart-shine on the face. 

82. A Blush iz a Soul-wave baptizing the face. 

83. A Frown iz the shado ov a mental-kloud pasing over 
the mind. 

84. Wot a glorius thing it wud be for us al if we kud 
only get out ov trubel az ezily az we kan get into it. 

85. A Laf iz an adult smile, and a Kry iz a Soul-storm. 

86. Winking iz toking with the ie-lids. 

87. Voting for your enemy iz a durty and kow&rdly way 
ov spiting in your own face and kiking your wife and chil- 
dren in the slats with booth feet. 

88. A dam-fool iz a very hapy individual for several 
rezuns : 1st, he fondly imajins that he noes it al ; 2nd, thoze 
hoo noe that he iz a dam-fool du not tel him so, for tha 
realize that he kan't help it, and then he wudn't beleev them 
if tha did tel him so ; besides, tha find it more profitabel to 
themselvs to keep on the suny side ov the chump and thus 
humbug him by making him beleev that tha konsider him 
intelijent; 3rd, he iz always and everywher overwelmingly 



MENTAL DINAMITE 33 

in the majority, and that speshus fakt konvinces him that he 
iz rijht; 4th, al that he requires to make him hapy iz plenty 
ov vile booz and uther injurius stuf to put in hiz vakant guts, 
a chanc to breed erly and often, a daly opportunity to ex- 
ibit hiz foolishnes, enuf rags to enabel him to dodj the law 
agenst nakednes, and to be humbugd every hour ov hiz life. 
A litel dessert may okkazhunaly be aded to the abuv menu 
by pating him on the bak and teling him that he iz inteli- 
jent and onest and the bakbone ov "hiz' kuntry. And at the 
prezent time, May 23, 1905, 90 per cent ov humans ar truth- 
fuly entiteld to be klasd az dam-fools in akkordanc with 
thair kondukt. 

89. Fools stik to thair prejudices until thair prejudices 
kil them — and tha wud stik even longer than that if it wur 
posibel to du so. 

90. Eny kid that iz tu sik to attend the surkus iz surtenly 
in a kritikal kondishun. 

91. No filosofer haz ever yet bin abel to explain wy a 
hoe handel wil blister a boy's hands and wy a base-bol bat 
won't. 

92. With most pepel life iz wun kontinual push to shuv 
sumthing into thair guts. 

93. Hunger iz the link that konnekts our dijestiv-appar- 
atus with our thinking masheenery. 

94. Deth iz a great River-ov-Peac hooz soft Lethean 
woters never freez over. 

95. A nap iz an ie-lunch and a sleep iz a soul-banquet.. 

96. "Biznes' } iz the sienc and art ov geting sum thing for 
nuthing, and iz only prakticd by humans, for the uther ani- 
mals hav not yet dejenerated far enuf to embark in "biznes." 
It iz geting the best ov the bargen, and at the same time 
making your viktim beleev that he got the best ov the trade. 

97. If a wuman evinces no dezire to attend church wen 
she haz a new gown and a swel new hat, that iz pozitiv 
proof that the jurms ov civilizashun ar jurminating in hur 
soul. 

98. Republikans ar so expurt at stealing tha kan even pik 
thair own pokets in broad da lite and wile woching them- 
selvs with both ies tied open. 

99. A Demokrat iz a haz-bin rober and looter, 
Hoo iz now a Republican stinker and rooter. 

100. A Demokrat kudn't be eny wurs than he iz unles he 
had bin born twins and the uther haf ov himself had gone 
Republikan. 



34 MENTAL DINAMITE 

101. Charity iz an effort on the part ov theevs to eze 
thair own konshenc by returning a smol porshun ov thair il- 
goten plunder to thair viktims. If we had a just soshal sis- 
tem thare wud be no okkashun for "charity." 

102. If the wimen wud al du wot the men want them to 
du, this wurld wud soon be so bad that the men themselvs 
wud want to get out ov it. 

103. The retches hoo go hunting and fishing and find 
plazhur in kiling uther animals wud hav a hel ov a time pas- 
ing an examinashun if I wur holding down St. Peter's job. 

104. The time we waste in attending to uther pepel's biz- 
nes wud greatly promote our own affairs. 

105. No purson kan ever get to heven by taking advant- 
aje ov uthers. 

106. Yu may think yourself prity spry, 
Until yu try to katch a fly ; 

But after that uceles stunt, 

The fly noes yu ar a runt, 

And woks your face to make yu grunt. 

107. If we had everything we wanted we wud be very 
unhapy, bekoz then thare wud be nuthing to yurn for, and 
wen our yurners got out ov a job we wud surtenly be up. 
agenst ennui. 

108. It iz not so much wot yu noe, but wot yu kan make 
your nabors beleev yu noe, that kuts the ice between yu and 
thair poket-books. 

109. No matter how yung and helthy we may be, Deth iz 
always wun ov our nearest nabors. 

1 10. No matter how quietly and diskreetly and karef uly 
yu ete "forbiden-fruit," your nabors wil soon find sum ov 
the tel-tale rinds. 

111. Thare iz nuthing in al this wurld that so quikly 
spoils the buty ov a noze az stiking it into uther pepel's af- 
fairs. 

112. "Ded men tel no tales." Evidently the abuv duz not 
apply to ded wimen. 

113. The kapitalists noe how to liv without wurking, 
and the laboring mules noe how to wurk without living. 

114. Life iz made up larjly ov yurning for wot we kan't 
get, and being dissatisfied with wot we hav. 

115. If a man flaters a homely wuman after he iz mar- 
ried to hur, he either realy luvs hur or iz afraid ov hur. 

116. If a wuman iz not jelus ov her husband she duz not 



MENTAL DINAMITE 35. 

luv him and don't kare if sum uthier wuman duz steal him; 
and such a man iz not wurth' having eny way. 

117. If your wife iz a good and intelijent wuman and 
luvs yu, yu at to be satisfied and hapy, for yu V got al that 
eny man iz entiteld to, and a great deal more than meny ov 
them dezurv. 

118. Sum Demokrats ar so bad that tha assoshiate with 
themselvs on the sly, and thare ar plenty ov Republikans 
hoo ar lo down enuf to assoshiate with themselvs open and 
abuv board and then boast ov it. 

119. Luv-kising iz soul-visiting. It iz geting the wurth 
ov your muny, and a litel besides for Memory's rainy-da. 

120. Luv-kising iz kashing hart-drafts on the soul. 

121. A dam-fool iz wun hooz foolishnes iz painfuly ap~ 
parent to every wun but himself. 

122. Thare ar times wen we al feel like kik'n the su- 
preme stuf'n out ov our nabors and geting a divorc from, 
ourselvs. 

123. Voting for kapitalizm iz like fishing in a rainwoter 
barrel. 

124. No long-eared animal ever regards hiz ears az a 
mark ov stupidity ; and a fool never konsiders hiz foolishnes. 
az sumthing to be ashamd ov. 

125. A fool iz wun hoo tries to get the best ov life by 
injuring himself, wile a kriminal iz wun hoo tries to get the 
best ov life by injuring uthers. 

126. It iz ezy enuf to take an optimistik vu ov life wen 
yu ar wel fed, klothd and housd, but an empty stumik and 
raged klothes ar great breeders ov pesimizm. 

127. Sine I hav pasd my 18th burthda I hav not felt, 
kompetent to run the univurs — not even with the assistenc. 
ov Karrie Nashun and Tedy. 

128. Al sum pepel need to make them hapy iz enuf feed, 
to keep thair guts unvakant, a hide ful ov booz, a pistol- 
poket ful ov tobako, eny old place to sleep and enuf rags to 
enabel them to evade the law agenst nakednes. 

129. Voting the Old Party tikets iz like klimbing a tre 
that haz no fruit on it. 

130. The illiteracy ov the Demokrats iz almost equol to» 
the ignoranc ov the Republikans, and wot both ov them don't 
noe embraces al that iz wurth noeing. 

131. If thare wur more good huzbands in this wiked 
wurld ov ours, thare wudn't be so meny bad wives ; and if 



'36 MENTAL DINAMITE 

thare wur more good wives thare wud be quite a dekrece in 
bad huzbands. And thare yu ar ! 
-132. I wud not even harm a fly 

If the litel kuses didn't try 
To promenade my hairles pate, 
And kakewok my poor old noze, 
And meny uther stunts that irritate, 
Wen I want to rite or peacefuly repoze. 
13.3. "Ah! hevens, if she wur only mine, I wud want 
Tnuthing more in the hapines line," sied a $6-a-week-klerk az 
he beheld a butiful and stylishly dresd wuman go wizing by 
in hur auto-no-feel. "Yes," cynikaly obzurvd the old and 
;grizeld man ov 70," and after yu had pade hur bils for a fu 
weeks, yu wud wish a great deal harder that she wozn't 
yours." 

134. It haz always bin a mooted questchun wether the 
hen or the eg woz furst ; but if tha ar both on the bil-ov-fare 
Fl ete them both at wunc and not kare a dam wich w t oz pre- 

weyus. 

135. Mrs. Chadwik wudn't pla the. game ov graft ak- 
kording to the orthodox rules ; henc, hur pals ar having hur 
disciplined for violating the ethiks ov their profeshun. She 
forgot al profeshunal kurtesy and soakd it to the grafters, 
and that, in thair ies, iz the unpardonabel sin. If she had 
folloed the ethiks ov the profeshun by konfining hur opera- 
shuns entirely to the wurking-klas, she wud hav won the ad- 

i mirashun and respkt ov every grafter in the wurld, and wud 
now be worbling in the chery trees insted ov langwishing in 

'hok. 

T36. Sum pepel ar so good tha ar good for nuthing, wile 
uther s ar so bad tha ar good for sumthing. 

137. Thare ar sum men in Kansas so mean that tha 
board with thair muthers-in-law and then make the old 
ladies pay board. Thoze Jayhawkers ar almost az mean az 

" the Iowa man who krosd hiz bees with litening-bugs so az to 
get a breed that kud se to wurk at nite az wel az al da. 

138. The offenses kommited by Demokrats ar az plenti- 
ful az the drops ov woter in the oshun, wile the krimes ov 
Republikans ar only az numerus az the sekunds in eturnity. 

139. Muzik iz the poetry ov sounds, and 
Poetry iz the muzik ov wurds. 

140. From wotever standpoint yu vu life, Trubel and 
Disappointment ar the principal ingredients, and Destruk- 
shun the finale. 



MENTAL DINAMITK 37" 

141. If I had sum wimen I wud get rid ov them if I had 
to suicide in order to du so. 

142. The things we don't want ar always the eziest to 
get ; e. g., Trubel, bedbugs and weeds. 

143. It woz so hot during the munth ov July, 1901, that 
the Man-in-the-Moon had to sit on a kake ov likwified. air 
near an elektrik fan and drink ice kream with wun hand and 
ete Klondike beer with the uther forefoot, and even then he 
swet enuf to start vejetashun on the moon. It woz so hot at 
sum places in Kansas that a flame ov fire wud instantly melt 
and thus extinguish itself. And it got so dry at places over 
in Missouri that woter wozn't even wet on wun side, and the 
kraks in the railfences got so alfired dry tha absorbd the 
rails entirely, and thus left nuthing but a fu zig-zag, wite- 
hot kraks for the stok to go up agenst. And in Texas and 
Kentuky it got so hot and dry that even wisky and tobako 
utterly faild to quench thurst. And the klouds pa sing over 
Arizona and New Mexiko wur instantly dried up and chanjd 
into fine, red-hot dust ; and kar loads ov that same dust kan 
be found even unto this da. In meny places it dried up' 
everything but the liars, and it wudn't waste its time on 
them. 

144. If God had wanted the pepel to go to Heven insted 
ov to Hel, he shud hav lokated Heven at the botum ov the 
hil and Hel on top, and then az further attrakshuns he shud 
hav lokated a brury and tobako faktory in the center ov 
Paradise, with bul-fites, Negro-burnings and a Luisiana 
lotery on the South side, prize-fites, surkuses and a board- 
ov-trade on the North side, Bradly-Martin-bols and Seely- 
dinners, a Wurld's fair and an Almijhty-dolar-faktory on 
the East side, and a Wild-West-sho, poker-games, danc-hols 
and foot-bol-games on the West side, and a "Streets-ov- 
Karo" al around it ; with theze moral and intellekchual at- 
trakshuns, and a "Roof-garden" on top, wher jentelmen kud 
take beer-baths and "Magnetik-tretements" by lady attend- 
ants, the Old Jent kud hav had a pakd hous and a kontinuus 
sho, wurld without end and forevermore — and then sum. 

145. Al yu need to du to break pepel ov the wisky-habit, 
the tobako-habit, or eny uther bad habit, iz to make them 
beleev that sed habits ar moral, rashunal and konduciv to 
helth, and then tha wil quit them at wunc. Man iz the only 
animal in the wurld that iz foolish and kontrary enuf to> 
humbug himself. He iz so bad alredy he kannot rot. Eny 
old kind ov deka wud snub him ! Al the uther animals kom- 
menc denying the Darwinian-theory az soon az tha bekum 



38 MENTAL DINAMITE 

ever so slitely and remotely akquainted with him; in fakt, 
he iz the only thing on erth that iz mean and onery enuf to 
be a kapitalist. 

146. Remember that yu ar never "akros" the river until 
yu hav al fours on the uther shore, and even then the kused 
bank may kave in and drown yu before yu kan get away! 
In fakt, we ar never quite, entirely, altogether "out ov the 
woods'' wile we ar in this kapitalist kursd wurld. Yu had 
beter not du much kroing until long after yu ar ded, and 
then yu ar not likely to regret it nor hav to take it bak. 

147. It iz only the empty and hungry hart that sees a 
Lite beyond the Grave and dreams ov Immortality. 

148. Kurtesy and Kindnes ar the oils that mtake the ma- 
sheenery ov life run smoothly. 

149. A McHannafelt-Methodist iz about az fine a speci- 
men ov a purfekt impurf ekshun az wun kan find or dezire, 
unles he exhumes a Gold-standard-Baptist, and then he'z 
got a kace ov Total Depravity on hiz hands that kan even 
outstink itself. 

150. If I wur runing this univurs I wud chanj al the 
sparroes, blak-burds, woodpekers and kroes into quails ; and 
al the egels, hawks and owls and rabits into prairie chikens ; 
and al the felines and kanines into deers; al the rats, mice 
and uther rodents into turkys; al the flies, mosketoes, bed- 
bugs and uther insekts, except the silkwurms, into hunybees ; 
al the snakes and serpents into grapevines; al the booz into 
nektar and the tobako into figs and dates; I'd make every 
weed bear strawberies, every tre a parent ov nuts and every 
bush a harvest ov flowers; I'd chanje the winters to Sep- 
tember and make every Republikan and Demokrat an inteli- 
jent and civilizd human being. 

151. Child Labor. Mian iz the only animal on erth that 
iz vile and kriminal enuf to fore hiz own of spring to make 
a living for themselves and help feed him. No hen wud 
think ov forcing hur chiks to skratch for hur and thair 
fother ; and no kat sends hur kitens forth to du the mousing 
for the feline family; no hog expekts its pigs to root for 
thair living until old enuf to du so ; and no kow makes hur 
kavs pul gras for themselvs and the "Old Fokes" tu. 

Al animals except man tenderly kare for and pro- 
tekt thair yung during the periods ov infancy and adoles- 
cenc, but man haz bekum so debauchd and dejenerated thru 
a kapitalist environment he grinds and ruthlesly destroys hiz 
own ofspring in order to make "profits." 



MENTAL DINAMITE 39 

Thare iz nuthing else sakred under kapitalizm ex- 
cept profits, Arn't we Soshalists just simply "orful" for 
wanting to tear up and supplant such a Upas tre az kapi- 
talizm ? 

154. Under Chattel Slavery the masters bot thair slaves 
for life — just az tha wud a mule or kow; but under Waje 
Slavery the slaves sel themselvs to a master by the da, the 
week or munth. 

155. Republikan and Methodist souls ar so smol that 
God-Almijhty wil hav to uze a mikroskope to examin them 
on the "J u djnient-Da." 

156. The "Gold-standard-Demokrats" ar so ineffably 
mean that tha kan't be klasified, and az thare ar not enuf ov 
the dekadent skunks to make a klas by themselvs, tha ar in a 
hel ov a fix. 

157. Sum Demokrats ar so mean and bad tha won't 
speak to themselvs ; and thare ar plenty ov Republikans hoo 
ar so korrupt and putrescent that tha won't liv in the same 
town with themselvs for fear ov being kontaminated and 
robd. 

158. The blak and shadoy Hand-ov-Deth * roks every 
kradel. 

159. The purson hoo steps over or around a wurm on the 
sidewok in order to not krush it, haz a stok ov wing-material 
konceald sumwher in the mysterius and flower-embroidered 
eels ov hiz brain, and hiz hart iz a flower garden. 

160. How meny smiles duz it take to make a hors-laf ? 

161. If I had a voic az outrajusly diskordant and az dia- 
bolikaly unmuzikal az a Jakas, I wud try to konceal the aw- 
ful misfortchun by uzing the Def and Dum langwidj alto- 
gether. 

162. The man hoo sels hiz vote iz a kowardly mental 
prostitute, and the grafter hoo buys it iz a soulles harlot, and 
both ov the durty stinkers shud be kompeld to liv together 
forever. 

163. The Kradel iz a hinjeles and shutles door to a 
muther's hart. 

164. A Fly iz a hily koncentrated and win^d chunk ov 
diaboliky alurt kusednes that iz always just beyond our un- 
charitabel reach wen we want to shake hands with it. 

165. Altho our warmest and best blud oozes in the slug- 
ish kapillaries ov the Bedbug, yet we never hav a kindred 
nor kindly feeling for the flat and dautles litel kus. 



40 



MENTAL DINAMITE 



1 66. A wuman's Hart iz the only Door to hur Soul, and 
the latter iz hur Sanktum-Sanktorum, or Holy-ov-Holies, 
wher she sekretly worships thoze she luvs and abhors thoze 
she hates. 




Taking a big dose ov Kapitalizm — the dedliest poizon 
noen to mankind. Every traitor, skoundrel and grafter in 
the kuntry wraps hiz bludstaind fits in the folds ov the 
Amerikan flag and then blatantly, loudly and defiantly kols 
himself a " P-A-T-R-I-O-T !!!!!!" And wen the So- 
shalists unwrap the flag from theze helbuzards and stink- 
forevers in order to reveal them, the akkuze us ov wanting 
to "tear the flag down !" 

167. How kruel ov Man, the univursal rober, to unbabe 
the laktate udder ov the Bovene-muther, in order that he, 
himself, may hav that milk, and then to murder and ete hur 
broken-harted ofspring before hur teer-dimd and greef-fild 
ies ; and then wen the muther Bovene gets tu old to hav eny 
more pikaninies for him to steal and ete, he kils hur and de- 



MENTAL DINAMITE 41 

vours hur karkas al except the tail and hide, and theze he 
trades to sum bruther rober for rum and tobako. And yet 
Man haz deluded himself into beleeving that he iz civilizd. 

1 68. Most parents think thair children ar the only bubels 
on the kream, wheraz, tha ar jeneraly only mizerabel flies in 
the milk. 

169. Prejudic iz ossified ignoranc and fossilizd stupidity. 

170. Truth, Wizdum and Luv ar the 3 kees that wil 
unlok al doors and solv al problems. 

171. Under the prezent insane regime (ra-zheem) pe- 
pel's ambishuns seldum reach hier than thair poket, and 
thair dezires ar nearly al born in Alimentivnes and Amativ- 
nes. (SeBRAINOLOJY.) 

172. Krist iz only a "Santa-Klauz" for groen children. 

173. Soshalizm iz the atheizm ov ekonomiks and politiks, 
for it diskards the tripel-god, "Interest-Rents-Profits;'' and 
in fakt, al uther gods that the kapitalists have set up for 
the wurkers to worship wile the kapitalists pik the wurkers 
pokets. "God, Krist and the Holy Gost" iz only a sleek spir- 
itual interpretashun ov the older kapitalist trinity, "Interest, 
Rents and Profit," and iz for the purpus ov pacifying the 
wurkers wen the burden ov life gets so hevy tha groan out 
loud and thus disturb the dreams ov thair masters. The 
kapitalists forsaw that wen the wurkers had to du without 
eny ov the luxuries ov this life and bear al its burdens tha 
wud get weary and kik more or les ; tharefore, the kapitalists 
hatchd up this butiful fairy yarn about "Heven" and the 
"Ncxt-Wnrld" and promisd the sed wurkers everything tha 
dezired in the "Next Wurld" provided, however, that the 
sed wurkers wur "good'' in this wurld; and being "good" 
ment that tha wud be obedient to thair masters and not 
grumbel nor go on strikes, etc. It iz quite ezy to make the 
chumps satisfied with shimd-milk and sowbely in this wurld 
by promising them plenty ov ice-kream and porter-hous 
steak in the "Next-Wurld" neither wud tha mind the in- 
konveneyenc ov living in shanties here wen tha kud se the 
"manshuns-beyond-the-skies." It iz a very important role 
the klerjy pla in making the slaves "obedient to thair mas- 
ters," and the masters kan wel afford to exempt the klerjy's 
property from taxashun and giv them half-fare and fre- 
pases on the railroads, etc. The wurkers wil stand a whole 
lot ov bad-tretement toda if yu kan konvinc them that things 
wil be alrijht tomorro; henc thair slavery. 

174. No klas ov dam- fools hav made more wurk for the 



42 MENTAL DINAMITE 

Fool-Kiler than hav thoze exturnaly wite idiots hoo hug and 
kis and sleep with dogs, and then draw the kulor line at the 
Afrikan-race. Such dekadents ar surtenly of-kulor in- 
turnaly, no matter wot komplexshun thair hides may be. A 
dog iz much lower in the skale ov animal existenc than the 
Afrikan, and the latter iz entirely tu good to assoshiate with 
wite-skind-dog-luvers-and-kisers. 

175. It shud now be riten and addresd: King Wilyum- 
Markus Theodore McHannafelt, King-ov-the-United States, 
Emperor-ov-Kuba, Zar-ov-the-Fillipenes, Shah-ov-Porto- 
Reko, Mikado-ov-Alaska, Sultan-ov-Sula, and the Sublime- 
Porte-ov-New Jersy. 

176. If the prezent plans ov Andru Karnagie ar karried 
out, he wil hav the distinkshun ov being the most liberal 
theef in existenc, for he propozes to giv away $12,000,000 ov 
each $15,000,000 he steals. Az he iz old and disezd and the 
dark shadoes ov eturnity ar already twiliting in hiz ies, he 
haz konkluded to skimp along the remainder ov hiz uceles 
life on a mere pittanc ov $3,000,000 pur annum. Andy wil 
hav to adopt the "simpel-life" plan or he wil not be abel to 
squeez thru on only $3,000,000 pur ! 

177. Jeneyus iz the nachural and unkonshus ability to as- 
tonish the nativs by duing the things tha wud like to du, 
but kan't. 

178. Talent iz artifishal and akquired jeneyus that haz 
bin developd by kultivashun. 

179. Klevernes iz only the poor art ov plezing numskuls 
by humbuging them. 

180. Kindnes iz the dezire to benefit uthers by helping 
them ; wile Goodnes iz the akt ov benefiting uthers by as- 
sisting them. 

181. The pur sons hoo noe it al ar so blankly ignorant az 
to be blisfuly unaware ov the fakt that tha don't noe eny- 
thing, and wot litel tha imajin tha noe iz entirely unso. 

182. Humans ar ever strugling to reach the top by al- 
ways drifting downward — trying to reach thair destinashuns 
by traveling in an opposit direkshun — swiming the rivers to 
avoid the rain — endevering to get out ov det by borroing 
more muny — eting solt and pepper to quench thair thurst — 
taking morfene to kure the opium-habit, and trying to get 
wel by violating the laws-ov-helth. 



MENTAL DINAMITE 43 

183. How meny hart-akes duz it take to make a soul- 
pain? 

184. Lonesumnes iz Hart-hunger, Mind-thurst and Soul- 
starvashun. 

185. Siting down iz only standing on the west-end ov 
wun's britches. It iz the west-end bekoz it, iz wher the son 
sits. 

186. If yu ar deturmind to rob uthers for a living, steal 
enuf to make it respektabel and thus win the admirashun, 
respkt and sympathy ov the uther sukcesful and respektabel 
theevs, and then tha wil help yu to eskape the "laws" wich 
wur only intended for the smol fry. Never be so laking in 
judjment and enterprize az to swipe eny thing Homopathik 
enuf to inshure yu a matinal seanc in the polece-kourt ; but 
wile yu ar at it "appropriate" enuf to get yu before the Fed- 
eral-kourts at thair matine purformances, and then your 
kace wil be quietly "nolle prosequied" on "teknikalities," and 
yu wil then be wel "rated" by Dun and Bradstreet, and be 
rijht in line for a United States senatorship and admishun 
into the Uneyun Lege klub and swel golf surkels. Dam a 
Homopathik theef eny way ! be an Allopath, jaspers! 

187. It paseth my understanding by several laps how the 
Irrev. Bolton ever kept from lafing wile asking the blesing 
ov "Almijhty God" on the Republikan Nashunal konven- 
shun at Filadelfya the uther da. No wun hoo realy beleevs 
in an Al-Wize, Just and Surpeme Being wud hav dared to 
du such a blasfemus thing ; in fakt, if thare iz such a being 
in existenc, thare wud be no such thing az the Republikan 
party. No just being wud so shamefuly neglekt hiz plain 
duty. And how the members ov that menazhery ov krooks 
and mental-prostitutes ever kept thair simian faces strate iz 
a puzel to me. 

188. Kurtesy iz the Kreem-ov-Kindnes, 
And thoze dekadents hoo hav it not, 
Ar ful ov moral-Blindnes, 
Mental-Deka and Soul-Rot. 

189. Luv iz Hart-food and Soul-manna. 

190. Luv iz Hart-wings and Soul-pinyuns. 

191. Luv iz Hart- foam and Soul-suds. 

192. Luv iz Hart-fever and Soul-inflamashun that no 
wun ever wants kured ; however, Matrimony and Deth ar 
the only things that wil kure it. 

193. Luv iz a pekuleyur species ov Soul-muzik that kozes 



44 MENTAL DINAMITE 

the Hart to get a twu-step muvement on itself and du a hot- 
foot kake-wok forever. 

194. Luv iz a Hart-dream and a Soul-reverie. 

195. Luv iz a hart-ful ov Soul-ice-kream with twu spoons 
in it. 

196. Luv iz an Eturnal Meal-Tiket on wich two kan ete 
Forever. 

197. Luv iz Mezels ov the Hart and smol-pox ov the 
Soul. 

198. Luv iz krazines ov the Hart and Insanity ov the 
Soul. 

199. Luv iz May and June ov the Hart and July and Au- 
gust ov the Soul. 

200. Luv iz the Twilite ov the Hart and the Southwind 
ov the Soul. 

201. Luv iz a Shottish ov the Hart and a Dream Woltz 
ov the Soul. 

202. Luv iz the only thing that kan keep the ies brite, 
the hart warm and the soul from freezing over. 

203. Luv iz strawberries for the Hart and peaches for 
the Soul. 

204. Luv iz that indefinabel and inskrutabel SUM- 
THING that makes the hart so hapy it akes. 

205. Luv iz that indefinabel SUMTHING that kozes 
pepel to make 17 kinds ov a dam-fool ov themselvs before 
tha noe it. 

206. Luv iz a great Pashun-storm and bloes al the weeds 
ov selfishnes out ov the Hart, and fils the Soul with a 
stranje, sweet tranquil Peac. 

207. Luv iz a great Hart-fire and Soul-konflagrashun. 

208. Luv iz Hart-rain and Soul-dew. 

209. Luv iz the Rainbo-ov-Yuth, the Dream-ov-Man- 
hood, and the Pur fumed Memory-ov-Old-Aje. 

210. Luv iz intoxikashun ov the Hart and delirium-tre- 
mens ov the Soul. 

211. Luv iz Muzik-ov-the-Hart and Poetry-ov-the-SouL 

212. Luv iz the River-ov-the-Hart and the Oshun-ov- 
the-Soul. 

213. Luv iz the Alfa-ov-the-Hart and the Omega-ov-the- 
Soul. 

214. Luv iz the Storm-ov-the-Hart and the Cyklone-ov- 
the-Soul. 



MENTAL DINAMITE 45 

215. Luv iz the Blossom-ov-the-Hart and the Flower-ov- 
the-Soul. 

216. Wot an "Alwize" and "Just" Old Gi the Kristchun's 
God iz, to make the "way-ov-life" so dam narro that only a 
"fu kan find it," and then darning the rest ov us for not find- 
ing it ! Az he deliberately made it so narro that only a "fu 
kan find it," it seems prity, tolerably, konsiderably, painfuly, 
altogetherly and diabolikaly surten and ineskapably evident 
that he did not want the majority ov us to find it and try our 
tooties on it. If Hiz Nibs had wanted al ov us to find it, he 
wud hav made it az broad and wide az the mistakes ov the 
Republikan-party, and then a defied man kud hav hit it with 
both feet shut, wun hand blindfolded and the uther forefoot 
gagd and hiz noze and tung tied behind him upside down ! 

217. The only way a poor man kan get the State or 
Guvernment to help him iz to kommit a krime, and then he 
wil be furnishd a stedy job, food, klothing, shelter, instruk- 
shun, amuzement, medikal attendanc and medicins, and be 
exempt from al taxes, military and jury-duty. Wy don't 
the States and Guvornment help thair subjekts before-tha 
kommit krimes, and then thare wud be no necesity for rong- 
duing? The State-ov-Kansas haz bilt and iz sukcesfuly 
operating a "Twine Faktory" inside its penitenshary for the 
employment ov its konvikts at uceful and produktiv labor, 
and iz "making muny" by the operashun ; and yet the Re- 
publikans and Demokrats hold up thair forepaws in holy 
horror at the Soshalists' sugjestchun that the State erekt and 
operate faktories outside its penal institushuns for the em- 
ployment ov its citizens at uceful and produktiv industry be- 
fore thair necesities drive them to the kommishun ov krime. 
The truth ov the matter iz that the Republikans and Demo- 
krats noe that tha kud not, az privet konsurns, kompete with 
the State or Guvornment ; henc, thair rabid hostility to the 
just and benevolent plans ov the Soshalists. 

218. God help the Irish and the Dutch wil look out for 

themselvs ! 
And the Jews wil du. us al wether tha hav a chanc 
or not 

219. How meny beers duz it take to make a bier? Ask 
Karrie. 

220. If a wuman had everything she wanted, zcot else 
wud she want? 

Ansur: The things that she didn't want. 
22i. Thoze hoc ar making the greatest preparashuns to 



46 MENTAL DINAMITE 

be "anejels" in the "Next Wurld," ar the bigest devils in 
ThisWurld. 

222. Thoze hoo pretend to hav the longest "wings," realy 
hav the longest ears and sharpist klaws. 

223. Relijun iz the badnes in pepel breaking out on the 
surface and thru thair akshuns ; and in the uther sens it iz a 
skeme ov the kapitalists to get sumthing for nuthing — an 
exchanje ov hot-air for groceries. 

224. Meny pius pepel's breths stink further than thair 
prars reach, and thair God haz to wear a klothespin on hiz 
noze wile listening to thair prars and advice. 

225. The larjer a man's hat the more brains he haz under 
it ; but the biger a wuman's hat the les gra matter she kar- 
ries beneath it. 

226. The shadoes ov the churches fol akros and obstrukt 
every path ov progres. 

22J. A prude iz an ignorant hipokrit with a durty mind 
thru wich everything appears obcene. 

228. The klerjy objekt to uthers kommiting suicide be- 
koz it lesens the number ov sukers on hoom theze pius vult- 
churs prey. 

229. The "Soul" iz the Mind and the latter iz Elektrieity 
and iz jenerated by the Brain out ov the Blud. The "Soul" 
or Mind iz the funkshun ov the Frunt and Top porshuns ov 
the brain, and iz entirely dependent upon the fizikal organi- 
zashun ov thoze parts ov that organ. Wen the fizikal struk- 
chur ov the brain iz destroyd, the "Soul" ceces to exist and 
iz no more. Al thot iz only a pekuleyur and elektrikal funk- 
shun ov organizd matter and kannot exist apart from that 
matter nor after that matter haz bin destroyd or renderd in- 
aktiv. It iz not a "SUMTHING" apart and independent ov 
matter, az the theolojans and pius frenolojists wud hav us 
beleev, but simply a funkshun ov organizd matter. The 
"Soul" or Mind bears the same dependent relashun to the 
Brain that Dijestchun duz to the Stumik. Ofkours, thare 
kannot be eny dijestchun without a Stumik; and likewise, 
thare kannot be eny Mind or "Soul" without a Brain to pro- 
duc it. It wud be az sensibel to tok about dijestchun pro- 
ceeding after the destrukshun ov the Dijestiv Apparatus, az 
it iz to klaim that the "Soul" kontinues to exist and du 
stunts after the disorganizashun ov the Brain. To maintain 
the pozishun ov the theolojans yu hav got to admit that the 
funkshun ov the brain existed prior to the brain's existenc, 
and that sed funkshun kreated or manufakchurd the brain. 



MENTAL DINAMITE 47 

Sijht iz a funkshun ov the ies and thair brain-organs and 
did not exist prior to thoze organs, and neither wil it exist 
after thoze organs ar destroyd; and the same with hearing 
and al uther funkshuns ov the body or brain. The organ 
must be in existenc before it kan funkshun or akt. Az a 
further proof that the mind iz only a funkshun ov the top 
and frunt parts ov the brain, we hav only to look at idiots 
and insane pursons. With the former the frunt and top por- 
shuns ov thair brains ar so laking and defektiv in develop- 
ment and organizashun that tha hav no minds or "souls," 
and ar legaly irresponsibel ; and with the insane the same 
parts ov the brain ar so deranjd that thare iz no mind, and 
tha, tu, ar legaly inkompetent and irresponsibel. The the- 
olojans hav got the kart before the hors and ar traveling 
bakwards. Also, imajin the absurdity ov "punishing" "Im- 
mortal Souls" — temporary funkshuns or elektricity jener- 
ated by the brain ! 

230. If pepel wild understand and oba Xachur, tha wud 
soon hav no uce for doktors, jails and asilums. 

231. The muny and enerjy wasted in preparing for the 
"Next Wurld" wud make a paradise ov This Wurld. 

232. Wot a glorius paradise this wurld wud be if humans 
wur only az intelijent and moral az the uther animals. We 
wudn't then need eny polece, jails, asilums, kourts, doktors^ 
lawyers, etc. 

233. Kristchianity teaches the monstrusly infamus dok- 
trin that to sekure hapines in the "Next Wurld" we must be 
mizerabel in This Wurld. "The greater the kros the greater 
the krown," iz thair damnabel doktrin; but the real objekt in 
preaching such folchoods iz to make the wurkers satisfied 
with the kros or burdens thair masters impoze on them ; in 
uther wurds, tha tel the wurkers to grin and bear thair hard 
lot here and everything wil be alrijht in the "Next Wurld." 
Same old kapitalist skeme to keep thair slaves from kiking 
over the traces. 

234. Soon az "God" kreates enything he dooms it to 
deth ; or, in uther wurds, he kreates things with wun hand 
and destroys them with hiz uther forefoot — and this iz wot 
the Kristchuns kol "Infinite Wizdum" and "Divine Murcy" 
and "Justis!" Wot a plezant pastime for thair Great Bogie 
Man to make things for the plazhur ov destroying them ! 
Wot a just nachur and sweet dispozishun the Old Boy must 
hav ! No wunder the good and pius Grover thinks it iz al- 
rijht to hunt and fish. I'l take sum uther brand ov wizdum, 
murcy and justis in mine. 



43 MENTAL DINAMITE 

235. If majorities pruvd things to be rijht, disezes, 
weeds and dam-fools (mental-weeds) wud karry every ward 
in the wurld. 

236. Relijun and Kapitalistik Guvornment ar ko-kon- 
spirators agenst Liberty, Justis, Morality and Hapines. So- 
shalizm iz the only remedy for theze and al uther evils. 

237. Rijht iz always armd with Truth, but Rong prefers 
the Armory ov Folchood. 

238. The God-idea iz the rankest and most poizonus 
weed in al the wurld and groes in the center ov the theo- 
lojikal garden. And nolledj iz the only spade yu kan dig it 
up with. 

239. Sum pepel ar so strate tha ar krooked. 

240. Deth iz the greatest ov blesings, for it iz the only 
thing that wil kure al ils and setel al trubels and disputes ; in 
fakt, it iz the Peacmaker ov the Ajes. 

241. If the "wizduiii ov this wurld iz foolishnes with 
God," (se 1st Cor. 3-9) most Kristchuns wil hav nuthing 
wotever to fear on that skore at the "Judjment Da." 

242. The man hoo kan pra the loudest kan jeneraly sware 
the hardest. 

243. Pur sons hoo keep kats and dogs for kompanyuns ar 
thuroly animal themselvs, and that iz wy tha find animal 
kompanyunship so konjeneyel. 

244. It iz utterly uceles, idiotik and impudent to pra, for 
if thare iz a Supreme, Alwize and Just Being he shurely wil, 
at the proper time and in the proper way, du everything he ot 
to du, and al the praing in the wurld wil not induce him to 
chanje hiz mind; besides, God Almijhty iz a much beter 
judj than yu ar, az to wether or not he shud du a surten 
thing ; tharefore, I think it much beter and wizer to leve it al 
to Hiz Nibs and insert your noze into your own affairs and 
keep it thare. Just think ov the ignorant prezumpshun ov an 
insignifikant mortal like yu prezuming to tel a "Supreme Be- 
ing" wot to du ! Thare iz nuthing smol about your nurv 
enyway. It iz almost az unbounded az your ignoranc. 

245. Praing iz an idiotik attempt to induce a "Surpeme 
and Alwize Being" to chanje hiz mind and du sumthing 
wich he thinks shud not be dun. If he thinks the things shud 
be dun wich yu ask him to du, he wil du them just the same 
wether yu kol hiz attenshun to it or not. I kan asshure my 
Kristchun readers that thair Old Boy never neglekts hiz 
duties, unles it iz in being tu lenient with them. 



MENTAL DINAMITE 49 

246. Folchoods ar mental and moral poizons and always 
leve thair blak and indelibel stains upon the karakter. 

247. Pepel ar not hethens, infidels, humbugs and frauds 
bekoz tha du not beleev and akt as yu du — purhaps iz iz yu 
hooz troly iz twisted? 

248. It takes a very narro mind to beleev that "God Al- 
mijhty" made the way to "Heven" so narro that "only a fu 
kan find it." The Old Jent kud just az ezily hav made it so 
wide that no wun kud mis it — not even if he had Republikan 
ies and Demokratik feet. 

249. Man thinks he iz the whole push, but the truth ov 
the matter iz he iz only a very smol and insignifikant shuv, 
and not enuf ov that to shuv himself out ov trubel. Most 
ov the uther animals ar far superior to him in meny respekts. 
If man kud klimb like a squrrel or fly like a burd or had the 
seing kapacity ov an egel or a kat, he wud be so stuk up the 
atmusfere wudn't hold him; and if he kud make a rope out 
ov hiz own spit, like the spider kan ezily du, that wud sus- 
tain the wate ov hiz body, or if he kud distil huny like the 
litel fuzy bees, hiz hed wud be almost az big az the mistakes 
ov the Republikan-party. A Jakrabit iz 20 times smoler 
than a man, and yet the rabit kan outrun man so far that the 
latter iz a snail by komparison. And a kat, a fox and meny 
uthers kan hear sounds that ar absolutely inaudibel to man. 
And a bludhound kan smel scents and du detektiv wurk that 
wud bak "Nik Karter' or "Sherlok Holmes" klear of the 
Kristmas plant. And wen it kums to konstrukting under- 
ground tunnels or sub-ways, the mole and gofers hav him 
faded until he iz invizibel to a mikroskope. And wen it 
kums to tails the pekok kan make mans wildest tales look 
Homopathikaly mikroskopik. And wen it kums to kondukt, 
(the real and hiest test ov al) the uther animals hav man 
bakd klear out ov the univurs. If a man had the same pro- 
porshunate jumping abilities az a fle, he kud jump a mile in 
3 jumps. 

250. Thoze hoo get the most hapines out ov life hav 
made the greatest sukces ; and the only way to tru and last- 
ing hapines iz to help make uthers hapy by assisting them to 
thair just and nachural rijhts. 

251. Sum pepel's minds ar so narro yu kud split the edj 
ov the sharpest razor with them, and thair souls ar so Hom- 
opathik yu kud bore a hole in the point ov the finest kambrik 
needel with them. 

252. If "Heven" iz such a nice place wy du Kristchuns 



50 MENTAL DINAMITE 

steer klear ov it az long az posibel ? Tha shud make a rush 
for such a place. 

253. The infamus kondukt ov Human beings makes me 
regret that I ever evolvd far enuf to bekum a member ov that 
race. I don't blame the munkies for denying the Darwinian 
doktrin. Wot else kud eny self-respekting simian du after 
reading human history. 

254. If God haz so arranjd things in the "Next Wurld" 
that thare iz neither sufering nor injustis thare, wy don't he 
wurk the same kombinashun on this wurld ? Wot iz he wait- 
ing for? Wudn't such a state be just az dezirabel here az it 
iz "Over Thare?" If "Heven" iz the ideal state or place or 
kondishun, and if God iz Alpowerful and Omnishent and 
kan du enything he wishes to du, wy don't he make a 
"Heven" out ov this life or erth and fix up al uther places the 
same way? If God haz al-power now he surtenly wil not 
hav eny more or greater power' at eny fuchur time ; so, wot 
iz Hiz Nibs waiting on ? Wy don't the Old Boy take o<f hiz 
almijhty sleevs and rol up hiz almijhty koat and go to wurk 
and fix up this old planet until it iz fit for decent pepel to liv 
on? Or iz the Old Duk tu bizy "wotching sparroes" and 
"numbering our hairs?" Purhaps he iz bizy in hiz great 
kozmik labatory trying to make an onest Republikan and a 
sensibel Demokrat az the twu greatest kuriosities in the 
wurld. 

255. Pepel substitute abuce for argument only wen tha 
ar out ov the latter. 

256. Theolojy haz always found it ezier to strangel Sienc 
and Rezun than to ansur thair questchuns. 

257. Orthodoxy iz organizd Ignoranc and fossilizd Stu- 
pidity trying to chain Progres to the ded, dark Nite ov the 
Past. 

258. Bigotry iz Selfishnes and Koncete trying to fore 
thair ignoranc upon uthers. 

259. Al Bad-habits ar poizonus mental-weeds, 
And bring forth a harvest ov evil-deeds. 

260. Politiks iz the old relijus swindel adapted to modern 
times — Just chanje the wurd "God" to "Gold," the wurd 
"Priest" to "Politishan," the wurd "Soul" to "Greed," and 
the place "Heven" to "Offis," and the wurd "Hel" to "Law," 
and yu hav the same old shel-game over agen in al its dam- 
nabel diaboliknes. 

261. Jelusy iz a feerc Pashun-Storm rajing in the Mind 
and kozeth direful mental-belyake. 



MENTAL DINAMITE 51 

262. Muzik iz the Mental Purfume ov Sounds — the 
Dreamy Southwihd of the Soul. 

263. MUZIK iz a purfumed river ov melody that koal- 
esces the Soul with Eturnity. 

It iz a Soul-Nektar that iz distild in Eturnity by Luv and 
the Southwind. 

It iz a Stranje and Shadoy Soul-Dream that woltzes with 
the Southwind ov the Hart down thru the pyxikal and zig- 
zag plazas ov an evergladed and stormles Forever. 

It iz the Southwind ov the Soul singing 4 a dreamy alto in 
Eturnity. 

264. A vote for the Rijht iz a bio ful ov mijht. 

264^. Kristchuns rejekt Evolushun bekoz ov insuffishent 
evidenc, and then akcept Kristchianity without eny evidenc. 

265. If al things ar posibel with God, az the Bibel klaims, 
(Math. 19-26) I wud like to se the Old Man boil a fu egs in 
ice woter, and make a river so wide that he, himself, kud not 
swim akros it. And I wud sta awake twu weeks and go 
without eting for a munth in order to se Hiz Nibs make an 
onest Republikan or Demokrat. 

266. If "no man kan se God and liv," (Ex. 33-20) it iz 
inkomprehensibel to me wy eny wun wud want to se Hiz 
Nibs. The Old Boy must hav a horribel face on him if se- 
ing him kils pepel. He ot to take sumthing for hiz mug or 
hav it enameld, or else wear a hevy vail al the time. 

267. "Biznes" iz the sienc ov geting al yu kan from 
uthers and giving az litel az posibel in return; in uther 
wurds, it iz the kapitalist art ov geting sumthing for nuthing 
— legalizd swindling. 

2(<S. If God don't want hiz children to be bad, wy didn't 
he make them so dam good tha kudn't be bad? 

269. Az Krist sed that marraje unfits pepel for "Heven," 
(Luke 20-35) ^ lz stranje that Kristchuns keep rijht on 
marrying. And az Krist never got married he must hav 
taken himself seriusly and prakticd wot he preachd. 

270. I hav never yet found eny Kristchuns hoo had enuf 
konfidenc in thair God's wizdum to make thair bred akkord- 
ing to hiz direkshuns tharefor, az given in Ezekiel 4-12 and. 

271. It iz inkomprehensibel to me wy Kristchuns wiU 
kontinu to take solts and pils wen thair Alwize God haz- 
given a remedy for Konstipashun in hiz "holy" and "in f ali- 
ne!" Bibel. Se (Sol. 5-4.) 



32 MENTAL DINAMITE 

272. If God nu wot he woz toking about wen he sed it 
woz alrijht to sel roten meat, (Deut. 14-21) wy du Krist- 
chuns hav meat inspektors ? If our laws ar based on the Bi- 
be\, az Kristchuns sa tha ar, wy du our statutes prohibit the 
deling ov dekaed meats? This wil be welkum news to the 
Beef-Trust. 

273. Az Krist most emfatikaly denies being good, (Luke 
•18-19) wy du Kristchuns want to folio him? He surtenly ot 
■to noe wether he woz and iz good. And if he woz good, my 
did he li about it? And if Hiz Wiskers woz good and lied 
about it, the very akt ov lying wud render him bad ; but then 
lying haz never bin a bar to Kristchianity. 

274. By the time we hav lurnd how to liv rijht, we ar 
jeneraly old enuf to ete hay in the stak, and Nachur iz ready 
\to try hur great Dust Experiment on us. 

275. Notwithstanding- the fakt that thair "Infalibel" and 
""Alwize'' God haz given specifik direkshuns in hiz "Holy 
Bibel" for kuring the sik, (Luke 16-17 and 18; James 5-14 
and 15) az soon az most Kristchuns get sik tha send for a 
Medikal Doktor (hoo iz enything but "Infalibel" and "Al- 
wize) to poizon them. The Kristchuns' God don't rekognize 
medians nor surjury in the tretement ov disezes, and yet 
;most Kristchuns wil not hav eny uther kind ov tretement. 
Wot infurnal hipokrits and impudent humbugs theze allejd 
Kristchuns ar ! Wy tha even try to humbug themselvs. In 

'the tretement ov disezes the "Kristchun Sientists" ar the 
•only wuns hoo ar konsistent akkording to God and the Bib el ; 
iand yet the uther Kristchuns hav had laws pasd in al the 
states to prevent the Kristchun Sientists from folloing God's 
plain and emfatik instrukshuns in kuring disezes, etc, 

276. It iz stranjely inkonsistent for wimen to worship a 
God hoo had such a poor opinyun ov them that he did not 
trete them the same az men by kreating them in hiz "imaje." 
But yu kan't expekt a being hoo never had a muther nor 

~wife to hav very exolted opinyuns ov the sex immediately 
opposit. Purhaps after he had "kreated man in hiz imaje" 
he woz so disappointed and sorry about it he did not dare to 
make wimen in hiz imaje, for fear it wud irreparably frak- 
chur the imaje. 

277. If I wur going into the saloon biznes (and if I wur 
-a Republikan or Demokrat I wud be mean enuf to go into 

eny disreputabel undertaking) I wud hav the folloing "In- 
falibel" wurds ov God painted on my saloon door : "Thus 
saeth the Lord ov hosts, the God ov Israel ; 'Drink ye, and be 
drunken, and spu, and fol, and rize no more.' ' (Jere. 25- 



MENTAL DINAMITE 5$ 

2 7-) Wudn't that be a warm number for a grop-shop sine? 
And this same "God-ov-Israel" iz the wun the W. C. T. U. 
hipokrits worship unto this da. Tha ar sufering from kom- 
pound prolapsus ov the intellekt and need larj and pursistent 
doses ov komon sens injekted into thair vakant noodles. 
Tha ar so hel-bent on helping the klerjy uphold the kapitalist 
sistem tha kannot se the absurdity ov thair pozishun. 

278. Man iz the only animal in al the wurld that iz stupid 
enuf to be relijus, and the only wun that iz mean enuf to 
pursekute and iltrete hiz fellomen on akkount ov their opin- 
yuns. 

279. Rudenes iz the joint-ofspring ov Ignoranc, Selfish- 
nes, Unkindnes and Koncete. 

280. Kind akts and good deeds , 
Ar the best ov al the seeds, 
And wil gro in eny klime, 
Producing splendid harvests every time. 

281. Yu shud not hav eny uther kind ov of spring than 
thurobreds, fizikaly, moraly and mentaly, and not more ov 
them than yu kan properly feed, klothe and edukate. It iz a 
great krime to hav impurfekt ofspring, and to hav them wen 
yu ar unabel to properly kare for them. Apply the soft 
pedal to yourselvs and ring of! Raiz more chikens and les 
children and yu wil not be so disappointed with life. Don't 
listen to the lazy priests, for tha ar employd by the kapitalists 
to humbug yu poor dupes into beleeving that it iz your hiest 
duty to hav al the kids yu kan. The kaptitalists want cheap 
labor and child-labor iz the cheapest ov al ; henc, thair dezire 
that yu breed erly and often. The more children a poor man 
haz the sooner sum ov them wil hard to go to wurk in the 
mils, faktories, stores and offises to help make a living, for 
the f other kan only ern a surten waje with hiz own labor, 
and if that waje iz not enuf to support hiz wife and children, 
the latter ar forcd to "go to wurk" and lend a hand to in- 
krece the family inkum. Thare ar milyuns ov men hoo ar 
erning just enuf to take kare ov a wife and wun or twu chil- 
dren, but not enuf to take kare ov a larjer number; thare- 
fore, if eny more kum to "bles hiz houshold," sum ov the 
older wuns must get a job and help poppa to make a living. 
And az proof ov this just look at the milyuns ov children at 
wurk in the mils and swet-shops ov the kuntry ; also, look at 
the juvenil army ov "street-Arabs" out in al kinds ov 
wether seling* papers and shining shues, etc. to help make a 
living. 

282. A priestly promis ov wings and a manshun in the 



54 MENTAL DINAMITE 

"Next Wurld," iz a mijhty poor rezun for wearing chains 
and living in a rented shak in This Wurld. 

283. Man iz the only animal that iz ignorant and stupid 
enuf to pay uther animals for the priviledj ov living on the 
erth — the nachural heritaje ov al. It iz a foul krime agenst 
nachur for enywun to "own," "sel," "rent," or to charj 
uthers for the uce ov the erth. The erth iz not the produkt 
ov enywun's labor, and tharefore, no wun haz a rijht to own, 
sel or rent it, or in eny uther way monopolize it. It iz 
MUTHER NACHUR'S fre gift to al hur krechurs. 
Neither haz eny wun a rijht to say hoo shal uze the erth 
after 1 he iz ded and pasd away. Every animal haz an equol 
and nachural rijht to the uce ov the erth and al nachural re- 
sources and raw-materials, for theze ar fre gifts from Na- 
chur to us al. Al land-laws ar unnachural, and henc, in- 
f amus and inherently rong and shud be abolishd and the erth 
be akcesibel to the uce ov al without having to pay tribute to 
enywun tharefor. 

284. Smol-pox, Yello-fever, Leprosy, Diftheria, etc., ar 
no more kontajus than luv. Al disezes ar only morbid or un- 
nachural kondishuns ov the sistem or sum part ov it, and ar 
kozd or brot on by violating nachural laws or going kontrary 
to Nachur; tharefore, it iz quite evident that a diseze kan- 
not be had unles we violate the laws-ov-helth and in that way 
produc the diseze. It iz utterly imposibel to "hatch" a dis- 
eze, for the simpel rezun that the diseze kannot kum into 
existenc without an adequate koz, and the "kontajus" or 
"katching" proces duz not allow for eny koz wotever. If a 
purson haz the Smol-pox he haz it purely and solely az a 
nachural rezult ov having violated surten ov Nachur's in- 
exorabel laws, and enywun kan get it in the same way ; that 
iz, by duing wot kozes that diseze. To klaim that a purson 
"kan get disezes without infrinjing eny ov Nachur's ordi- 
nances, iz to deny the operashun ov al nachural law — or in 
uther wurds, to admit the existenc ov effekts without kozes 
— the very hite ov absurdity ! Wot most doktors kol disezes 
ar only the simptums or shadoes ov thoze disezes, tha not 
being abel to tel the wun from the uther — the tre from its 
shado. Every disezd or abnormal kondishun ov the organi- 
zashun manifests itself thru surten simptums or shadoes ; 
but theze simptums ar not the disezes eny more than the 
shado ov a tre iz the tre. Yu kannot hav the shado without 
furst having the tre, and yu kannot get the tre without furst 
bringing about the necessary kondishuns to produc the tre; 
and yu may even hav the tre-seed, but it wil not gro unles it 



MENTAL DINAMITE 55 

haz the rijht kondishuns ov soil, tempurachur, moistchur, 
etc. ; and likewize, with disezes — tha kannot kum into exist- 
enc without a koz, and like the akorn or wheat, tha wil not 
jurminate after being planted unles the soil, tempurachur, 
moistchur, etc. ar rijht ; or in uther wurds, the disezes wil 
not sprout nor gro unles yu du the necessary things to keep 
the kondishuns rijht for thair propagashun and development. 
Remember, theze abnormal kondishuns produc the simptums 
that the doktors kol disezes, and not vice versa ; and yu kan 
no more "katch" theze abnormal kondishuns by being in the 
presenc ov thair simptums, than yu kud "katch" a tre by 
being in the presenc ov its shado. Just az long az yu keep 
your sistem in a normal or nachural kondishun, az Xachur 
intended it shud be kept, yu kannot posses nor manifest eny 
ov the simptums ov disezes ; and, konvursly, az long as yu 
violate Nachur's laws and thus keep your sistem in an un- 
nachural kondishun, yu wil hav plenty ov diseze simptums 
or shadoes. And az long as yu du wot kozes the disezes, yu 
wil hav them, no matter wot nor how meny "remedies" yu 
may uze to prevent or to "kure" them. "Vaxinashun" kon- 
sists in injekting the virus or jurms (or the seeds, in plain 
turms) ov a diseze into a purson in order to prevent him 
from katching it in sum uther way. This iz a fair sampel ov 
al the lojik the medikal doktors hav in thair alledjd cere- 
brums. And this iz the kind ov lojik tha ar so anxshus to 
hav protekted by lejislashun; wel, it iz quite evident that it 
needs protekshun ov sum kind. And tha make the wunder- 
ful klaim that thair vaxinashun wil prevent wun from 
"katching" the diseze. Wy, ofkours it wil ; how in hel kan a 
purson "katch" a diseze after it haz bin injekted into him by 
sum doktor? In uther wurds, yu kan't get a diseze after yu 
already hav it. Likewize, after ratelsnake-poizon had bin in- 
jekted into your sistem with a syrinj, it wud not matter how 
much the snake bit yu. To be lojikal with thair diabolikal 
unlojik the vaxinashun doktors ot to innokulate the men 
with the virus ov sifilis and gonorrea in order to prevent 
them from akquiring thoze disezes in the iicJuta.1 way. In- 
jekting the jurms or seeds ov a diseze into a purson (by vax- 
inashun) in order to prevent him from geting the diseze in 
sum uther way, iz about az lojikal az "dying in order to be 
savd," and tha both smel ov the "kros" and "profits." The 
very fakt that theze disezes wil not wurk on a helthy purson 
wen injekted direktly into hiz sistem, by innokulashun, iz the 
most pozitiv and konklusiv proof that tha ar not "kontajus ;" 
for, if a diseze wil not wurk on a purson wen injekted di- 
rektly into hiz sistem, how kan it posibly wurk on him wen 



56 MENTAL DINAMITE 

it iz not injekted into him and not even in kontakt with hiz 
body? Likewize, if the weed seed refuzd to gro in the soil 
wen planted thare direktly, how kud that same seed posibly 
"katch root" and gro in that soil wen it woz not even in kon- 
takt with sed soil ? Wil sum ov the "regular" doktors pleze 
stand up and ansur ? Don't, be afraid that your "Omnishenc" 
won't stand the strain, brethren. Al laws enforcing "vaxin- 
ashun" upon pursons agenst thair wishes, ar idiotik, unkon- 
stitushunal, infamus, outrajus, unjust and subvursiv ov pur- 
sonal rijhts and liberty. Wot a cheeky and monstrus thing 
it iz for the State to kompel its citizens to submit to having 
themselvs innokulated with the jurms ov loathsum and fatal 
disezes! And this the boasted land ov liberty, and yet its 
citizens hav no rijht to sa wot shal be dun to thair own bod- 
ies wile yet living ! Wot we du need iz a just soshal sistem 
in wich no wun kud gain by humbuging or impozing on hiz 
fellomen, and then al such idiotik and damnabel things az 
"vaxinashun" and the necessary "laws" to enforc it, wil dis- 
appear and the pepel wil be fre and hapy. Thoze hoo beleev 
in the effakacy ov "vaxinashun" hav no more rijht to enforc 
it upon thoze hoo dunot beleev in it, than wud thoze pius 
freaks hoo beleev in "prar" hav a rijht to fore thoze to pra 
hoo dunot beleev in prar. The law kud just az konsistently 
fore the pepel to be "baptizd" or hav thair hair kut. If the 
State kan kompel its citizens to uze a surten remedy, az a 
preventativ ov disezes, it kan also fore them to take eny 
uther remedy it sees fit to preskribe, such az the "wearing ov 
amulets," a rabit's left, wite hind-foot," "kounting beeds," 
"praing," "looking-over-the left-shoulder-at-the-new-moon," 
"repeating-the-Lord's Prar-bakwards-with-wun-hand-shut- 
and-both-ies-tied-behind-yu-up-side-down," etc., ad infinitum 
and ad nauseam. Al ov the abuv "remedies" ar beleeved in 
unto this da, 1901, by milyuns ov pepel az effakashus in pre- 
venting and kuring disezes. Then agen, if the State haz a 
rijht to fore its citizens to uce a surten ailed jd "remedy" to 
prevent infekshun, it surtenly haz an equol rijht to kompel 
them to take a surten remedy for the kure ov the diseze after 
tha had kontrakted it. It iz no more ov a lejitimate funk- 
shun ov the State to preskribe and kompel its citizens to take 
surten remedies for the prevenshun ov disezes, than it wud 
be for the State to preskribe and kompel the praktis ov re- 
lijus rites. The State shud never medel with its citizens' 
privet affairs, for wen it duz so it at wunc bekums thair op- 
presor insted ov thair frend and protektor. It thus bekums 
the destroyer, insted ov the defender, ov thair rijhts and lib- 
erties. But then we wil be burdend by al sorts ov such in- 



MENTAL DINAMITE 57 

famus laws az long az our legislators kan make muny by sel- 
ing out to thoze pirates and* grafters hoo want such ''laws" 
for the purpus ov holding the pepel wile tha pik thair pokets, 
for it iz only by and thru the aid ov such manmade and man- 
bot-laws that theze frebooters kan rob the pepel. In fakt, al 
man-made laws at prezent ar bot for a muny konsiderashun 
(or its equivalent) and ar uzd by thoze hoo bot them for the 
purpus ov holding the pepel stil wile tha go thru them. 
Theze eminent and respektabel jentelmen uze such purchased 
lejislashun in the same way and for the same purpus az 
Jesse James uzd hiz sixshooter and race-hors. The in famus 
"profit" sistem iz at the botom ov it al, and thare kannot be 
eny releef until we abolish that immoral sistem ov pillaje and 
legalizd swindeling. If no wun kud "make muny" nor gain 
eny thing by making unjust laws, such laws wud never be 
made; but under the prezent folc and diabolikal sistem ov 
skining each uther, sumbody iz always the gainer by al 
krimes kommited ; henc, the ever inkrecing number ov 
krimes. The "vaxinashun laws" make lots ov fat and ezy 
fees for the doktors and officers employed to enforc such 
laws agenst humanity and Nachur. Soshalizm iz the 
remedy. 

285. "Al'z wel that ends wel." Shakespear. That 
sounds az tho Bil had just extrikated himself from a skrape 
ov sum kind, or had just had a hair-bredth eskape from get- 
ting hiz foot in it. Az Shake woz only mortal, like the rest 
ov us, it iz quite surten that he had a fu eskapades with the 
sex immediately opposit, and made a fu unsmol mistakes 
semi-okkazhunaly or twic in a wile. 

286. Wile the Kristchuns ar "obzurving" the "Holy Sab- 
ath" in the United States, the same species ov sanktified 
numskuls ar wurking at thair uzhual vokashuns on the op- 
posit side ov the erth, for wile it iz "Sunda" in the United 
States it iz only Saturda in the Antipodes. Truly, Ignoranc 
iz the muther ov al relijuns. 

287. Ignoranc iz the goos that lays al relijus egs, and 
wen each eg iz hatchd it produces a blak and feroshus buz- 
ard, theolojikaly koled a "Sekt." 

288. The Soul ov the YYurld iz Greed, 
And to liv without wurking its kreed. 

289. The man hoo sits down and waits for a "good 

chanc," 
W'il hav plenty ov patches on hiz pants ; 
Wile the kus hoo gets out and hxtstels a fu, 
Wil wear silks and satins and cfimunds tu. 



58 MENTAL DINAMITE 

290. A yung pulet in the teens never realy luvs an old 
rooster in the seventies, and wen she pretends to du so she 
haz an ax to grind and wants him to rotate the emery wheel 
for hur with hiz poketbook. 

291. Korsets ar torchur-jakets and helth-destroyers with 
wich fashunabel wimen vainly try to make thair waists az 
narro az thair minds — and tha almost sukceed. 

292. Shallo and konceted pepel mistake rudenes for 
smartnes. 

293. If the "Gold-Standard" and "Hi-Tarif" wur realy 
good things for the "Wurking-Pepel," the plutokratik para- 
sites wud never hav advokated them; and yet the wurking 
pepel ar tu insufferably stupid to understand that tha wil be 
slaves just as long as tha kontinu to vote thair master's tiket. 
Enything that spiders ar in favor ov iz a prity dam good 
thing for flies to steer klear ov. The wurking man iz the 
only chiken in the wurld that iz foolish enuf to vote the Fox' 
tiket — and then he wunders wy the raynards ar so sleek and 
fat and he so hungry and poor. Thou dam jakases, wen 
wilt thou lurn to think ? Kan't yu get this simpel idea thru 
your thik dome. Long as yu wurk for sum wun else, that 
sum wun else wil liv of wot your labor produces ; in fakt, if 
your employer kud not take from yu a part ov wot your 
labor produces, he wud hav no objekt, wotever, in employing 
yu, and wud not du so ; tharefore, it iz quite plain that hiz 
only objekt in employing yu iz to rob or deprive yu ov a part 
ov wot your labor* produces, and thus be abel to liv without 
wurking eny himself. The laborer haz a nachural and in- 
herent rijht to al that hiz labor produces, and if he wur not 
such a fool az to vote for a sistem ov privet ownership ov the 
erth and its resources and industries, he wud be abel to en- 
joy the fid fruit ov hiz toil, and thus be wel fed, klad and 
housd, etc. Wake up, yu kused blokheds, and get a think on 
yourselvs. The men yu wurk for ar taking away from yu 
more than 80 per cent ov al your labor produces ; or in uther 
wurds, yu shud receve 5 times more for your labor than wot 
yu ar now receving. This 80 per cent that iz taken away 
from yu after your labor haz producd it, iz abstrakted from 
yu thru 4 instruments ov robery, to wit: "Interest," 
"Rents," "Profits" and "Taxes." It iz with theze 4 six- 
shooters that the kapitalists hold yu up and despoil yu ov 
more than 80 per cent ov al that your labor produces, and yet 
yu ar stupid enuf to vote for the kontinuanc ov such a dia- 
bolikal sistem ov plunder. Az thare ar 85 laborers to 15 
kapitalists, it iz quite evident that the kapitalists fcud not hold 



MENTAL DINAMITE 59 

up and rob the laborers unles sed laborers wur wiling to be 
plundered. And wen the laborers vote eny uther tiket than 
the Soshalist tiket tha ar thus giving thair konsent to be 
separated from 80 per cent ov al thair toil produces. 

294. We may hide our vurchues for a long time, but our 
folts hav the nak ov kuming to the surface erly in the game. 

295. The grocer with the long and pius face 

Wil short-wate yu if yu buy groceries at hiz place, 
For hiz piety iz like the spider's shining nets, 
And he wil soak yu every chanc he gets. 

296. Reading iz feeding the mind thru the ies. In this 
kace the ie iz the mouth, the optik-nurv iz the esofagus and 
the brain iz the stumik and di jests this mental-food, and the 
rezultant mental-blud that iz thus manufakchurd by the 
brain goes to nurish and sustain the Mind or Soul ; henc, we 
shud be az kareful about wot we read az about wot we ete, 
for it iz the only way we kan hav a helthy Mind or Soul. 

297. Feeling iz kollekting nolledj thru sensashun. and the 
brain and nurvs ar the instruments uzd. 

298. The dog that runs the rabit down iz nachuraly en- 
titeld to the whole rabit, wile the lazy kanine drone that lays 
in the shade and takes no part in the apprehenshun ov the 
prey, iz not entiteld to eny part ov it ; and yet under the 
prezent folc and unnachural soshal sistem the drone kanine 
gets the whole rabit and the dog that ran it down only gets 
the tail for hiz share. And the same with the laborer — he iz 
the dog, so to speak, that duz al the wurk in providing food 
for us al, and yet he only gets the tail or smol part ov wot 
hiz labor produces, in the form ov "wajes," for producing it 
al ; and yet the laborer iz stupid enuf to vote for such an un- 
just arrangement. Laborers, az long az yu ar satisfied to liv 
on a tail-diet, keep rijht on voting the Republikan, Demo- 
kratik, Populist, Prohibishunist and "Independent'' tikets, 
and the kapitalist-dogs wil enjoy the remainder ov bunny in 
the shade, wile yu wil hav tail-soup (3 times a da on your 
menu. For every dolars wurth ov welth your labor kreates, yu 
get about 15 cents ov it in the form ov "wajes," and the kap- 
italist for hoom yu vote gets the uther 85 cents ov it az hiz 
share for the nuthing he did wile yu wur duing the labor 
that producd it. Aint that a nice and kumfortabel arranje- 
ment for the kapitalist? Xo wunder he iz a "stand-patter" 
and beleevs in "le tin g-wel-enuf -alone." He wud indeed be 
hard to satisfy if he wanted eny more than the whole rabit 
wicli lie iz now receving for duing nuthing. And yet if yu 
•quit voting for such an arrangement thare wil be no such in- 



60 MENTAL, DINAMITE 

justis. It iz al your own folt, yu numskuls ! Evety 4 hours 
ov produktiv labor produces $5 wurth ov welth ; so, for an 8 
hour da the laborer shud receve $10 in wajes. 

299. The alledjd "Soul" that starts for the alledjd 
"Heven" from the United States, goes "up," wich iz in an 
exaktly opposit direkshun to that taken by the "Soul" that 
goes "up" from the opposit side ov the erth, and yet thare ar 
thouzands ov theze alledjd "Souls" going "up" from oppo- 
sit sides ov the erth at the same time for that alledjd 
"Heven ;" likewize, the "Soul" that leves Washington, D. C. 
at 12 o'klok noon, goes in an opposit direkshun to that ov the 
"Soul" that leves the Amerikan kapitol at 12 o'klok mid- 
nite, for from noon to mid-nite the erth makes a half revolu- 
shun on its axis, wich wud bring Washington at mid-nite to 
a point direktly opposit to the pozishun it okkupied at noon. 
"Heven' iz a myth pure and simpel — an old Purzhan sun- 
myth in wich Heven woz the sumer part ov the year, wen al 
woz brite, butiful, warm and produktiv — the time ov the 
year wen life woz the eziest and plezantest to the feral sav- 
aje. But even if thare wur such a remarkabel place, how 
kud it posibly be in twu diferent lokalities at the same 
time ? This whole "Heven" biznes iz a fraud — a sleek kap- 
italist invenshun for undolaring the pokets ov fools and 
making them satisfied with thair hard lot here ; for if tha be- 
leevd that this life wur the whole cheez, the most ov them 
wud suicide to eskape it and its horrors, and the lazy drones 
wud then hav to wurk and make thair own living ; and this 
iz also wy the kapitalists hav always maintaind (thru thair 
vile ajents, the klerjy) that suicide iz such a greveyus sin. 
Akkording to the statements ov the diferent relijuns ov the 
wurld (and the assershun ov wunov them iz just az reliabel 
az the assershuns ov eny ov the uthers) thare must at least 
be 200,000,000,000 ov inhabitants in Heven. That iz quite 
a populus city to not hav eny lokashun on eny map in the 
wurld and not to be noen to eny jeografer, traveler, post- 
offis, railroad, telegraf nor expres kumpany. A wunderful 
City-ov-the-Miind — a pipe-dream ov theolojy ! Wot a lot ov 
"pure gold" it wud require to pave the streets ov such a 
city ! The/' Gold-Standard" must shurely be in effekt thare. 
The Bryan-Demokrats wudn't find it very hevenly woking 
such streets ! Tha wud want a litel silver mixd in — at least 
on the pavements ov the alleys and the South and West por- 
shuns ov the "Holy City." And then the Pops kudn't wok 
such golden streets at al unles tha wur karpeted with "Green- 
baks." 



MENTAL DINAMITE 61 

300. Thouzands ov dolars worth ov juelry and fine ra- 
ment ar uzd to ornament and bedek meny a body that iz so 
disezd and roten the wurms wudri't ete it. 

301. God Almijhty himself (if thare iz such a being) kud 
not bekum a member ov eny ov the orthodox churches nor 
sekret societies on akkount ov hiz "Atheizm." Wen tha askd 
him: "Du yu beleve in a Supreme Being-?" if Hiz Nibs 
shud reply: "Yes, I beleev in myself." tha wud promptly 
blakbol him and then fone for the polece to pinch Hiz Whis- 
kers for being a loony ; for thare iz not wun ov the rubes 
that wud noe a "Supreme Being'' from a Southdown Boot- 
jak or a Kaukashun Logchain. If yu think tha wud; just 
ask them to deskribe or draw a picture ov thair "God/' about 
hoom tha ar always prating, and yu wil witnes a displa ov 
kompound ignoranc that wud make a Republikan, relijus 
editor di ov konfluent envy. It evidently haz never okkurd 
to theze pius numskuls that thair "God," himself, must nec- 
essarily be an "Atheist." Thair foolish requirement ov De- 
istik-beleef az a quolifikashun for membership, only shuts 
out and exkudes al onest Atheists, for thoze hoo ar disonest 
enuf to li about thair beleef kan ezily du so and thus gain 
admishun and bekum members in "good-standing." Dam 
liars, hipokrits and raskals always "stand wel" in the 
churches and sekret societies, bekoz thoze organizashuns 
keep a standing premeyun on lying and hipokrisy. Poor old 
Mr. God wil hav a hard time ov it if he ever duz vizit hiz 
dear, pius, meek and lowly konstituents on this planet, for 
the minet he tried to pom Himself of az Himself, hiz dearly 
beluved folloers wud arrest Hiz-Job-Lots for a lunatik and 
inkarcerate him in an insane asilum wher he wud soon be 
kild with kindnes ; wy, if he even went to eny post-offis in 
Kristchundum and politely askd for hiz mail, he wud be ar- 
rested for a loony, and if the polece kud not find eny "vizi- 
bel-nicans-or-snpport" konceled about hiz purson, tha'd run 
Hiz Nibs in az a "vag" or "suspishus karakter," and push 
him agenst the "Hand" or "Rokpile" for 60 stretches. I ad- 
vize Herr Gott to giv the Kristchuns an almijhty wide berth, 
for tha ar an onery lot at best. 

302. "Time and Tide wait for no man;" nor for wimen 
neither. TIME, the relentles old kus, always seems to be in a 
hury to jog along, and yet I kan se no rezun for hiz burying 
at al, for he kan never get to the end ov hiz jurny no way; 
so, he mijht az wel skim of hiz rags and go in swiming and 
hav a good time with hiz old side-pal, Herr Tide. Wot in 
hel iz the uce ov hurying and thus sweting your kolar al 
clown wen vn kan never £ret thare? 



62 MENTAL DINAMITE 

303. Rong-Diet, Eting-Tu-Much, Impure- Air, Unklenli- 
nes, Wury, Overwurk, Booz and Tobako ar the 8 most fatal 
ailments in the wurld. Tha ar a diabolikal oktava ov bete 
noirs, 

And kil more pepel than floods and wors. 

304. The purson hoo owns the job yu hav to uze in order 
to liv is your master, and the very fakt that yu don't realize 
this, is the resun he is your master. 

305. Human- wurkers ar the only animals in the wurld 
hoo ar stupid enuf to uphold the sistem that keeps them in 
purpetchual bondaje, and then go on a "strike" bekoz thair 
chains ar tu hevy to bear. 

306. The wurkers vote for wot tha don't want and then 
kik bekoz tha get it. The chumps refuze to vote for wot tha 
du want for fear tha won't get it and wud only be "throing- 
thair votes away ;" az if voting for wot tha don't want woz 
saving thair ballots ! 

307. Long az the mases wil only read the papers ov the 

kapitalist klases, 
Tha wil be nuthing but a lot ov ignorant and slavish 

jakases, 
For long az tha refuze to uze thair brains, 
Tha wil be enkumberd with hevy chains. 

308. The Amerikan laborers ar such great "Voting- 
Kings" and "Soverns" tha hav voted themselvs and families 
into komplete mental and fizikal slavery, and yet the dam- 
fools don't noe it! The kapitalist papers ar thair bibels. 
Such donkys don't dezurv enything beter than the brutal 
slavery tha hav voted on themselvs and on al the rest ov us~ 
Thair stupidity iz without a parallel in al the wurld. 

309. The Wurking Pepel ov the United States ar payings 
more than $50,000,000,000 to the parasites every year, and 
then tha wunder wy the "times ar so hard?" By parasites I 
mean al thoze hoo du not produc eny welth nor du eny uceful 
or necessary labor, nor giv an equivalent for wot tha get 
from, uthers. In this list I inklude al bankers and muny- 
lenders, inshuranc-ajents, thoze hoo liv on interest, rents,, 
profits, dividends, taxes, etc., al spekulators and gamblers, 
preachers ov relijun, politishans, rulers, most lawyers and 
doktors, al teachers ov folchoods, advertizers, drumers and 
al solicitors and kanvasers for goods tha wish to sel at a 
profit, booz-vendors, tobako andi medicin-vendors, etc. The 
last 3 named difer from the uthers in the respekt that tha giv 
sumthing for wot tha get, but that sumthing iz realy wurs 



MENTAL DINAMITE 63 

than nuthing, from the fakt that it iz injurius az wel az uce- 
les. A larj part ov theze $50,000,000,000 goes for such uce- 
les and injurius things az te, koffe, kakes, pies, solt, lard, 
pepper, vinegar and uther uceles and injurius foods and 
drinks, juelry, fashuns, implements ov wor, churches, kor- 
sets, funerals and tombstones, splurjing, uceles kourts and 
officers, 95 per cent ov the books and papers tha buy, and 
numerus uther uceles things tu numerus to menshun, besides 
a vast army ov milyuns ov uceles and unnecessary midelmen. 
This vast waste iz equivalent to anualy burning 50 bilyuns 
wurth ov the produkts ov labor. Just think ov it, the non- 
producing parasites rob labor ov 50 bilyuns every year, and 
yet Labor kontinues to vote the parasitik-tikets with a regu- 
larity and pursistency that haz long sine made the Devil turn 
green with envy and kozd the Fool Kiler to kommit suicide. 
If the laboring men wud al stik together and vote only the 
Soshalist-tiket, theze vast and foolish wastes wud be stopd, 
and then tha wud get the ful fruit ov thair labor. By for- 
saking the old parties ov greed and fraud yu only hav your 
chains and slavery to looz and your fredum and hapines to 
gain. Wy kontinu to vote for a sistem that forces yu to turn 
over to a handful ov drunken and dejenerate skunks al the 
produkts ov your labor, and then go clown on your nees and 
beg them to giv yu bak enuf ov theze same produkts to en- 
abel yu to liv on and raiz more fool slaves to take your places 
wen yu hav worn out or bin kild in the horribel slauter pens 
in wich yu ar force! to wurk and kreate welth for uthers to 
enjoy? 

310. If it iz not rijht to punish wun for wot hiz parents 
and grandparents did, then wy ar we kompeld to pay interest 
on the dets (bonds) tha kontrakted? 

311. "Beleef" iz konfidenc in wot yu don't noe. 

312. If thare iz a "Supreme Being" he iz either in favor 
ov injustis and sufering, or else he iz powerles to prevent 
them, and either konkluzhun iz fatal to the existenc ov such 
a being. "God" iz only a bug-a-boo to friten groen-up chil- 
dren with, and with this God-graft the klerjy ar abel to ex- 
trakt more than a bilyun out ov the chumps ov the United 
States every year. Wen yu konsider it from this (the real 
wun) standpoint it iz quite ezy to understand wy the sky- 
pilots ar so anxshus to hav the GW-idea taut to al children. 
Only about wun out ov ten ever outgroes the relijus ideas 
that wur taut it in childhood. 

313. A milyunaire iz a theef hoo haz stolen more than he 
kan ever uze, and iz tu mean to giv bak eny ov it. Thare iz 



64 MENTAL DINAMITE 

no onest way ov bekuming possesd ov a milyun dolars. It 
kan only be akkomplishd by robing meny uthers ov por- 
shuns ov thair welth thru such diabolikal and kapitalistik de- 
vices az "interest," "rents" and "profits." No, I don't beleev 
in kiling theze rich drones, but in arranging Society and its 
industries in such a way that a purson kan only liv by pro- 
ducing an equivalent ov wot he uzes or konsumes ; or, in 
uther wurds, fix things so that if a purson won't du hiz share 
ov uceful and necessary wurk he kannot ete nor hav klothes 
nor a place to sleep. Under the prezent kriminal and insane 
sistem ov graft and krime the drones ar abel to liv in luxury 
and idelnes by simply "owning" the tools, land and al uther 
things that the wurkers hav to uze in order to produce welth, 
and thru this "ownership" fore the wurkers to pay them 
tribute for the uce ov sed tools, land, etc. How du the 
drones get posseshun ov the land, tools, etc ? By geting to- 
gether and riting surten folchoods on peces ov paper and 
then koling the papers thus riten upon "DEED S," etc. 
Then tha "pas laws" (sum more karakters on papers) giv- 
ing themsehs the rijht or "ownership" to sed land, raa- 
sheenery, etc. Then tha tel the stupid wurkers that the pos- 
seshun ov sed "deeds" givs them to sole rijht to sed lands, 
etc., and if the sed wurkers don't beleev them tha hire uther 
wurkers to shoot them down or imprizon them in jails, etc. 
The most ov the wurkers ar so ignorant and stupid tha kan 
ezily be fritend and buldozd into beleeving or duing eny old 
■thing the drones want them to du. Wenever sum ov the 
wurkers go on a strike agenst the oppresiv rule ov the 
drones the latter kan always hire enuf ov the wurkers to 
shoot or klub the unruly wuns into submishun. 

314. Al wors ar kozd by the drones quorling over the 
divishun ov the swag tha hav stolen from the wurkers, and 
"to make more profits, for al wor iz profitabel to the kapitalists, 
or else tha wud not favor it, for the kapitalists ar always in 
favor ov eny thing tha kan make a profit out ov, and wor iz 
a very profitabel thing for theze drones in meny ways. 1st, 
tha make the wurkers du the aktchual fiteing and al the 
wurk; 2nd, the kapitalists print lots ov slips ov papers in 
prity and varied kulored inks, and kol theze innocent looking 
litel shakels "bonds for karrying on the wor." Then tha 
depozit theze slips ov paper with the "Guvernment" (them- 
selvs) and the "Guvernment" prints uther slips ov paper 
with more hieroglifiks and kulors on them, koled "muuy," 
and turns this muny over to the kapitalists and tha loan it 
bak to the "Guvernment" (themselvs) at a big rate ov in- 



MENTAL DINAMITE 65 

terest. With this "borroed muny" the "Guvernment" kar- 
ries on the "wor ;" that iz, it hires a surten number ov wurk- 
ingmen to kil the wurkers that hav bin hired by the uther 
side to kil the fool wurkers on this side. This "borroed 
muny" iz uzed to pay theze fool wurkers about $13 a munth 
for kiling uther laboring men tha never saw and agenst 
hoom tha hav no greevyenc, to buy provishuns and uther ma- 
terials necessary to karry on the slauter ov wurkers by la- 
borers. Theze same kapitalists (Patriots?) induce the "Guv- 
ernment'' to giv them kontrakts for furnishing wor ma- 
terials, etc. for the wor, and ofkours tha make several hun- 
dred pur cent profit on everything tha furnish, and graft 
twice az much more. And wich ever set ov kapitalists win 
the rite, tha wil fore the defeated wuns to pay them a hevy 
"indemnity." Then thare iz ahuther and very important 
rezun (from the kapitalist standpoint) for the wor, and that 
iz it affords the kapitalists on both sides an opportunity to 
kil of thair surplus wurkers, for in al kuntries the wurkers 
ar so prolifik in breeding thare ar always more wurkers than 
the kapitalists hav jobs for, and wen the number ov the 
"unemployd" reaches the point, in numbers, wher the kap- 
italists kannot kontrol them, and tha thus bekum a grave 
menace to the safety ov the kapitalists and thair sistem ov 
graft, the eziest and only safe way iz to pik a quorl with 
sum uther kapitalist nashun hoo iz in a similar fix, and thus 
get up a wor and let the fool wurkers on each side kil each 
uther of and thus save the kapitalists the trubel and respon- 
sibility ov duing it themselvs. And wichever way the frakas 
goes the kapitalists on both sides wil be the winners in profits 
and interests and the enormous sums tha wur abel to steal 
and graft. O ! but it iz a great game for the drones, but 
sum sweet da the wurkers wil "get next," and then thare wil 
be a real wor without "Profits," and the drones wil drone no 
more. 

315. A "Preacher or Priest" (in most cases) iz an ignor- 
ant and uceles parasite hoo pretends to teach hiz dupes how 
to pas thru deth with out dying; and yet he tels them tha hav 
got to di in order to be "saved." If tha hav to di in order to 
be "saved'' I wunder wot tha wud hav to du in order to be 
lost? 

316. Wen yu analize a Kristchun's "soul" yu wil find it 
to be nuthing but an intensly selfish konunurshal spirit. 

317. Humans ar the only animals in the wurld hoo mis- 
take thair krimes for civilizashun .and thair foolishnes for 



66 MENTAL DINAMITE 

wizdum; and that iz wy tha ar retrograding and degenerat- 
ing so rapidly. 

318. Sum pepel wud be fools if it wur not for the fakt 
that tha ar already damf ools. 

319. Kuting down weeds wil not prevent uther weeds 
groing in thair places, provided, ofkours, the kondishuns 
that produc weeds remain the same; and likewize, murder- 
ing kriminals wil not prevent uther kriminals springing up 
and filing thair places, provided, ofkours, the kondishuns that 
produc krime remain unchanjd. Abolish the kondishuns 
that produc krime, and then we wil not be afflikted with it. 
Every kuntry on.erth wil hav krime galore (az tha now hav 
and always hav had) just az long az tha kontinu the prezent 
kriminal kondishuns, wich konsist in the privet ownership ov 
the erth and its industries,. the profit-sistem ov produkshun 
and distribushun, and the kompetitiv-waje-sistem ov slavery. 
Theze ar the kapitalist buzards, the ekonomik bete noirs that 
hatch out al kriminals and koz al krimes, rongs and sufer- 
ings. Abolish thoze unnachural and infamus kondishuns, 
and in thair sted establish publik or kollektiv ownership ov 
the erth, its resources and industries, produkshun and distri- 
bushun for uce, and the ko-operativ sistem ov intelijent and 
uceful labor, with the ful fruits ov the labor az the waje ov 
the laborer, and krime, insanity, poverty, wor and disezes 
wud soon be only a blak and nitemarish dream ov the dark 
and bludy kapitalist past. "Punishing" kriminals iz only il- 
treting and robing them, and yu kannot impruve pepel's 
morals by injuring them. The beter the tretement the beter 
the rezults. No wun iz a kriminal from choic, but for gain, 
and if tha kud not gain by it tha wud never attempt it. Not 
even a kapitalist realy dezires to kommit krime, and wud not 
du so, if it wur not for the fakt that he kan make an ezy liv- 
ing in that way and thus avoid the necesity ov wurking. 

320. If your nabor's wife suits yu so wel that yu wud 
like to elope with hur, don't du that, but go to hur huzband 
and tel him that hiz wife suits yu to a t, and on that akkount 
yu wud like him to selekt a wife for yu, az yu hav more kon- 
fidenc in hiz judjment ov a wuman than yu hav in your own. 
Az he haz selekted wun wuman that suits yu so wel, thare iz 
no dout but wot he kud selekt anuther wun that wud suit yu 
even beter than hiz wife duz. Wot a lot ov trubels, hart- 
akes and bludshed kud be avoided by folloing this simpel and 
sensibel plan. 

321. If thare iz an "Alwize," "Supreme" and "Just Be- 
ing," az the relijus numskuls klaim, to hoom al things ar 



MENTAL DINAMITE 67 

posibel, wy did he not so arranje things that sufering wud be 
imposibel ? Such a being kud just as ezily hav attached a pla- 
zhur, insted ov a pain, to the infrakshun ov al his laws. He 
kud just az ezily hav put al the good things at the botum ov 
the lader, wher we kud al get at them without duing eny 
klimbing, and al the bad things at the top ov the lader, wher 
tha wud be out ov reach and hard to get at ; but insted ov 
that he put al the bad and injurius things rijht under our 
nozes at the botum ov the lader wher we wud be shure to 
stumbel over them and kudn't posibly mis them, and al the 
good and dezirabel things he tuckd away out ov our sijht 
and reach beyond the klouds wher we kudn't find them with 
a sureh-warrant and a kompound mikroskope and a dubel 
pair ov tireles wings. Az "God" haz lokated al the good 
things beyond the klouds, az the priests klaim, we shud hav 
bin provided with a dubel pair ov rapid-flying and tireles 
wings, besides an automobele-balloon or twu ; but insted ov 
that the most ov us ar only provided with a kompound appe- 
tite for booz, a sleeples dezire for tobako, an endles yurning 
for the sex immediately opposit, a fadeles penchant for gam- 
bling* and an al-around and eturnal inklinashun toward 
everything that we shudn't hav. If I had haf the power and 
intelijenc the priests klaim for thair Great-Hokus-Pokus, I 
wud fix things up so that even a Republikan or Demokrat 
wud be haf way decent enyway. 

322. How infinitely ridikulus it iz for Kristchuns to im- 
ajin that tha kan assist thair God, hoo haz al power; wy. 
bles your poor ignorant souls, if he needed eny assistanc he 
wud not be a "Supreme Being;" besides, if he haz al power 
and kan du enything he wishes to du, he surtenly duz not 
need eny help, and the koncete, impudenc and absurdity ov 
offering him your puny assistanc, iz suffishently ludikrus to 
make the Old Man laf hiz koxkix loos. 

323. If God had put more brains and les guts in hiz- 
Human-wurks, he wud hav made a great hit. 

324. The fakt that a hors haz sum power iz pozitiv proof 
that "God" kannot hav al power; and az he iz not possesd; 
with al power he iz not and kannot be Omnipotent, and henc,. 
not a "Supreme Being." 

325. During 1898 the Amerikan and Spanish Kristchuns 
praktisd the "Golden Rule" on each uther a litel with Krup- 
guns and dinamite. Pepel hoo hav bin brot up on a sang- 
uinary relijun and a rong diet, and under a kompetitiv-so- 
shal-sistem, ar nachuraly ignorant, selfish, disonest, unjust, 
brutal and feroshus, and' regard the slauter ov each uther az 



68 MENTAL DINAMITE 

a plezant pastime. To such savajes wor iz a "Divine" insti- 
tushun. "Kursed be he that keepeth bak hiz sword from 
hlud," sezs thair sanguinary God in hiz "Holy" and "In- 
falibel" Bibel ; se Jere 48-10; Hosea 13-16; Math. 10-34; 
Jere. 49-2; Sam. 137-9; Num. 31; Luke 19-27 and 22-36; 
Jere. 13-14. 

326. Life iz a roky road that kan only be traveld in wun 
direkshun — toward the grave; tharefore, don't hury eny. 
It iz wurs than foolish to travel such' a road at a hi rate ov 
speed. 

327. Deth iz only the soft and silent Twilite-ov-Eturnity 
in wich we kis thoze that we luv good-bye forever. 

328. Every rong-akt iz a step bakward and downward, 
and every rijht-akt iz a stride onward and upward. 

329. Life iz a restles Sea-ov-Trubel that rols and moans 
"between the shores ov Helples Burth and Unavoidabel Deth. 

330. Wizdum iz the konshusnes ov wot we ot to d'u and 
the wilingnes and kuraje to du it. 

331. If we wur al az prone to'du wot we ot to du, az we 
:ar inklined to du the things that shud be left undun, wot a 
'demand thare. wud be for wings. 

332. Sum pepel ar so absorbd in thair nabors' affairs tha 
don't even noe wot thair own biznes iz, and tha wud hav no 
lime to attend to it if tha did. 

333. Minding- Your-Own-Biznes iz the greatest Peae- 
Maker in the wurld. 

334. Wen yu get tu bizy, lazy or indiferent to take kare 
ov your helth, Nachur wil soon load yu on the swine Pulman 
and hed yu for the cemetery. 

335. The Past iz the Cemetery ov the Ajes — the Nekrop- 
olis ov Eturnity. 

336. Thinking iz Mental-Dijestchun — the konvurshun ov 
"Nolledj into Wizdum. 

337. Morality iz Rijht-Living and Non-Injurius Kon- 
<dukt, and iz the ofspring ov Rezun and Experienc. 

338. Man's relijun haz made him so insane that he re- 
gards the Kreativ and uther Nachural funkshuns az being 
•obcene, and the poor loonies even keep thair hind legs kare- 

fuly kuverd up and konceled bekoz thair "Kreator" woz 
thotles and kareles enuf to lokate sed hind legs near the Kre- 
ativ-organs. Kristchuns hav never yet forgiven thair 
"Maker" for sending hiz noblest and most purfekj wurks 
into this wurld naked. Shame on yu, Mr. God, for thus 
shoking theze purists ! 



MENTAL DINAMITE 69 

339. Al laws agenst nakednes ar klas-lejislashun, and 
henc, illegal and void. Such "laws'"' win* goten up by the 
dry goods and klothing pepel for the purpus ov forcing the 
pepel to buy thair goods. If it wurn't for such hold-up laws 
to help the grafters the pepel kud save more than a bilyun a 
year. A purson shud never wear eny more klothing than iz 
absolutely necessary to protekt the body from the elements 
and injury, for eny more than that iz a strain on the vitality 
ov the sistem, and iz injurius ; and everything that iz injurius 
iz immoral and rong; but wot diferenc duz it make to the 
grafters how much the pepel ar injurd by being forcd to buy 
and wear more klothing than iz needed for helth and kum- 
fort, so long az tha make thair "profits" on theze goods? 
The drygoods and klothing murchants hav bilt up and fo$- 
terd such an abnormal and insane dezire for "prity" and 
"fashunabel" klothes, that milyuns ov gurls and wimen hav 
sold thair vurchu and barterd away thair souls for the means 
to buy theze uceles baubels. And then theze grafters chanje 
the "fashun" so often a purson don't get to haf wear out the 
togs he buys ov them, until he finds that the "fashun" iz 
chanjd and he must either diskard the things that ar not haf 
worn out and buy new wuns or else be "out-ov-fashun," and 
to be "out-ov-fashun" iz the wun intolerabel thing to a pur- 
son hoo haz bin bunkoed by theze konfidenc sharks. The 
poor chumps never dream that al this chanjing ov the fash- 
uns and "styles" iz for the diabolikal purpus ov keeping them 
buying new garments al the time, in order that theze land- 
pirates may make a profit on every artikel sold. Thare iz no 
uther rezun for it. The post offis don't chanje the "styles" 
ov stamps twice or oftener a year; neither duz Nachur (the 
hiest ov al authorities) keep chanjing hur "fashuns" and 
"styles." Get wize, yu jaspers, and wear only the things in 
wich yu feel the most kumfortabel, and wen yu get a gar- 
ment wear it until it iz worn out before geting a new wun, 
and in this way yu kan giv theze fashun-grafters a punch in 
the gilts that wil make them se Soshalizm rijht at the end ov 
thair nozes. 

340. Our so-koled celebrashun ov July the Fourth haz 
so far dejenerated that it now konsists mainly in wasting 
wun da and twu nites in glutuny, drunkennes, rioting, de- 
bauching, destroying milyuns ov property, kiling and krip- 
ling thonzands, kollekting and distributing venereal disezes 
and raizing hel jeneralv ! This iz wot the fool Amerikans 
kol "PATRIOTIZ M !" The proper name for it iz 
Krazy Insanity, Driveling Idiocy and al-round Dam Foolish- 



70 MENTAL DINAMITE 

nes. The Kommurshal Interests ar responsibel for the whole 
mizerabel foolishnes, for the "Biznes" men always want a 
krowd in thair town to skin. Theze sharks always turn 
everything into a profit-making enterprize. Wen a prezi- 
dent ov the United States iz assassinated tha at wunc reap a 
harvest ov profit by seling hiz pikchurs and even ar vulgar 
and shameles enuf to exhibit hiz pikchurs in thair shop win- 
does to attrakt attenshun. Thare iz nuthing tu sakred for 
them to make a profit of ov. Wen a murchant buys fire- 
krakers and uther explosivs to sel to children he noes that 
sum ov them wil get kild and kripeld for life, but he duz 
not hezitate on that akkount, for if he did he wud looz a fu 
dolars profits he makes on seling them. And even wen he 
reflekts that hiz own children ar just az likely az eny wun 
else to get kild with the infurnal things, he duz not stop, but 
goes ahed in the mad race for dolars. Wot a travesty to kol 
such a proceeding "Patriotizm!" 

341. No traveler haz ever yet got beyond the Grave, and 
no navigator haz ever diskuverd the "Uther Shore" to Deth's 
Dark River. 

342. Every burth iz a koz ov Deth, and 
Every kradel feeds the Grave. 

343. Vurchu iz sexual integrity, fidelity and onesty. 

344. The bigest mistakes are the eziest to make. 

345. Intemperanc (both in eting and drinking) iz a roky 
road that ledes down hil al the way. 

346. Intemperanc iz the shortest road to Diseze, Insanity, 
Krime and Deth. 

347. Az Rong-Living kozes al your siknes, it wil be im- 
posibel to get wel unles yu quit your rong--living. Wot ob- 
jekshun hav yu to* living rijht? Sit down and hav a long and 
serius tok with yourself on this subjekt, and se if yu kan 
find eny rezun wotever for living in such a way az to keep 
yourself sik arid mizerabel most ov the time ; also, don't yu 
think yu shud kik the stuf'n out ov your old fool self semi- 
okkashunaly or several times in a half-wile ? 

348. Thare iz far more intemperanc in eting than in 
drinking, and glutuny iz nuthing' more nor les than drunken- 
nes in eting. Quit it ! 

349. Cigaret-smoking iz the durtiest and bumist thing a 
yung man kan du, and no yung man with enuf intelijenc to 
dodj an insane asilum wud prostitute hiz mouth to such a 
filthy and vile uce, and eny girl hoo wud kis such a mouth iz 
surtenly laking in self-respekt and haz a severe and bitter 
grudj at hurself. 

350. The purformances ov the Damnashun Army ar suf- 



MENTAL DINAMITE 71 

fishently idiotik to koz eny self-respekting munky in the 
wurld to vehemently deny the Darwinian doktrin ov evolu- 
shun. 

352. Humans shud hav fner and beter ofspring, and shud 
lurn how to properly feed, klothe and edukate them. More 
than haf ov the children born into this wurld di before tha ar 
5 years old, and this iz nearly al du to the ignoranc and in- 
ability ov the parents to kare for them properly. A child, 
like a plant, wil soon droop and di utiles it be supplied with 
the nachural or rijht kondishuns for its normal development 
and maintenanc. Parents shud either get enlitend and noe 
how to sukcesfuly hav and rear children, or else tha shud 
embark in suni uther biznes. Thare iz no exkuce in this, the 
20th century, for being ignorant ov the laws ov life. 

353. To hav more ofspring than yu kan properly kare for 
iz a uceles krime agenst yourself, the children and society. 
If yu kan't take kare ov them your nabors wil haw to, and 
most ov them have more ov thair own than tha noe wot to 
du with, and ar thus in no pozishun to help feed and kare 
for your brats. Ring of, and if yu don't noe how, lurn how ! 
This iz the 20th century and the time to noe al uceful things. 
Thare iz no exkuce for remaining ignorant unles yu ar a 
Katholik or Demokrat. 

354. A thouzand times more human beings hav -bin slau- 
terd in thair muther's wombs than hav bin slain on al the 
fields of batel ; and yet theze hethens prate about thair "civ- 
ilizashun!" Wy, tha don't even noe the meaning ov the 
wurd. Parents hoo deliberately destroy thair own unborn 
ofspring ar about the most un-civilizd retches in the wurld, 
and shud be properly enlitendj and wud be, if tha had enuf 
intelijec to break away from the priests and other kapitalist 
teachers. Wy shudn't al married pepel be thuroly konvur- 
sant with al the laws of reprodukshun and heredity? Wei, 
tha shud and wud be if it wur not for the folc teachings of 
the kapitalists hoo ar interested in having a larj and non- 
intellickchual lot ov children born to wurk in thair shops, 
faktories, mines, etc. The more laborers thare ar in propor- 
shun to the jobs for them, the ezier the owners ov the jobs 
kan fore wajes down ; henc, thair dezire to hav more laborers 
than thare ar jobs for them. And the les intellekt theze 
slaves hav the beter slaves tha make, and vice versa. If al 
children born into this wurld wur intelleckchual az tha shud 
and kud be, tha wud not submit to a kondishun ov slavery, 
but wud thro of al yokes ov bondaje and fre themselvs in 
short order. This explains wy the kapitalists ar so bitterly 



72 MENTAL DINAMITE 

oppozd to having the pepel taut how to hav purfekt of spring 
and how. to limit the number of children. A larj and non- 
intelleckchual proletariat iz the very foundashun stone ov al 
kapitalist institushuns, and without wich the whole roten 
sistem ov robery and oppreshun wud kollaps at wunc. And 
if children ar born non-intellekchual it wil be imposibel to 
ever edukate them, for the simipel rezun that tha hav no 
taste or inklinashun for lurning, and the more ignorant tha 
ar the beter slaves tha make. Wen yu konsider Tedy's 
"Race-Suicide-Leter" in the lite ov fakts that mizerabel and 
kontemptibel litel 2x4 kapitalist mouth-pece looks like 30 
cents with the 3 left of. 

355. Wizdum kan only be made out ov Truth by Rezun 
and Konshenc. 

356. The only rezun pepel murder thair unborn ofspring 
iz bekoz tha don't want them, and didn't noe how to avoid 
manufakchuring them. Get enlitend and then your ignor- 
anc won't fore yu to the kommishun ov such horribel and re- 
volting krimes, for aborshun iz nuthing more nor les than 
child-murder, and it iz just az rong to kil the child in the 
womb az to kil it after it haz left that receptakel. Aborshun 
iz a krime pekuleyur to kapitalist society and iz never found 
eny place else. Edukashun upon the subjekt ov konception 
iz the only remedy for aborshun, and eny wun hoo oppozes 
it iz in favor ov fetuscide. Thouzands ov ignoramuses hav 
told me that tha ar oppozd to aborshun, and yet tha uphold 
the koz ov al aborshun. It iz quite uceles to oppoze a krime 
and at the same time uphold the koz ov the krime. 

357. Meny things that taste good feel bad, and meny pe- 
pel hoo look prity akt ugly. 

358. Milyuns ov very pius pepel hoo wud be shokd at the 
thot ov a glas ov beer, get drunk on foods every da and hil- 
ariusly intoxikated on relijun every Sunda. Drunkennes iz 
intoxikashun and intoxikashun iz inebriety, and it matters 
litel wot yu get jagd on. 

359. Milyuns ov very pius pepel, insted ov. purforming 
uceful labor on Sunda, waste the time in teling uceles lies 
and minding uther pepel's biznes. Theze insane numskuls 
wud prevent the sun from shining on thair fetish-da if tha 
kud. 

360. Folchood and Rong ar the only things that require 
man-made laws to protekt them. 

361. Superciliusnes iz a simptum ov shallones and mor- 
bid vanity. 



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74 MENTAL DINAMITE 

362. Pietists hav no more rijht to fore Liberals to kloze 
up thair places ov biznes on Stinda, than the Liberals wild 
hav to kompel the Pietists to keep open on that da. Wot a 
howl about "injustis" and the "invashun-ov-pursonal-rijhts" 
the Kristchuns wud set up if tha wur forcd to keep open on 
Sunda ! How theze tryants wud gag at the nausheas Sunda- 
medicin tha hav prepared for uthers ! Shades ov the 
"Golden Rule !" I wud like to se theze pius medlers treted 
to a dose ov thair own medicin. 

363. Be kind and kurteus to al yu meet, 
For tha may often return the trete. 

364. A Kristchun's idea ov liberty and justis iz to hav 
the priviledj ov duing just az he plezes himself, and to hav 
the power (law) to kompel uthers to du wot he thinks tha 
shud du. Hiz ideas ov justis ar so hazy he wants to haze 
uthers for klaiming the same rijhts and priviledj es he asks 
"for himself. He iz an ignorant and uncivilizd barbarian hoo 
imajins himself civilizd and rijhtus. 

365. The old saw, "that al men ar born equol," iz mani- 
festly untru ; but wot the author ov that notabel saing ment 
iz, the rijhts ov al men (and wimen, tu) ar equol, wich iz a 
self-evident truth, that nun but kapitalists and Kristchuns 
wud deny. 

366. A good reputashun iz az ezy to get rid ov az it woz 
hard to get ; and a good-reputashun iz only a rekord ov be- 
ing onest, moral and just. And a bad reputashun iz the 
rekord ov being a republikan or demokrat, for this em- 
braces al that iz bad. 

367. The best way to liv iz the Rijht-way, and the rijht 
way iz the Best-way. 

368. Riting iz the traks made by the fore-feet. 

369. Thare ar milyuns ov skrub kids hoo ar so infurnaly 
mean and inkorrijabel that thair parents kan't manaje them, 
kan't giv them away nor kan't looz them ; and yet thoze same 
parents (by the advice and komands ov the klerjy) keep 
rijht on koining such wurthles dejenerates at the rasho ov 
"16 to 1" to plage themselvs and kurs society. And milyuns 
ov poor, sikly and disezd wimen hav kild themselvs trying to 
hav children wen tha wur entirely unfit for mutherhood : but 
a litel thing like that kuts no ice with the kapitalists hoo 
want plenty ov children for thair mils and stores ! 

370. The wurst, most uceles, injurius and danjurus thing 
that eny wun kan get iz relijun. It iz a fearful plage — a 
mental-tumor — a moral-ulcer. 



MENTAL DINAMITE 75 

371. Wot a good thing it wild be for al ov us if we kud 
only trade of wot we noe for wot we don't noe. Wot a par- 
tikular boon such a trade wud be for Demokrats. . 

372. Immortality iz a Dream that Hope and Luv hav 
made out ov broken harts. 

373. Immortality iz the Shado ov. broken harts rainboed 
upon the Soul. 

374. Immortality iz the Ek-o ov broken harts that Hope 
hears in Eturnity. 

375. Immortality iz the Umbra ov Luv that Hope sees 
thru the teers ov greef. 

376. Thru the Mikroskope ov Hope, Luv kan se the 
jurms ov Immortality in every teer. 

377. Hope iz the bonny child ov Luv and Faith, and Im- 
mortality iz the stranjely sweet and weird shado that folloes 
it to the Grave. 

378. Humans ar so civilize! tha ar rapidly approaching 
extinkshun thru dejeneracy. 

379. "Uneven'' and "Hel" ar priestly skin games for un- 
dolaring the pokets ov fools. 

380. The best advic that I kan giv, 
Iz for yu and yours to ever liv 

A korrekt and temperate life always, 
For thare iz no uther life that pays. 

381. Man's woes and burdens ar ever great, 
Bekoz he haz so litel sens within hiz pate 
Az to vote for a sistem ov graft and wo 
That kozes al the ils from wich he sufers so. 

382. Wen we konsider the kind ov buzards Taft iz ap- 
pointing to the bench for life, it iz no wunder the adipoze 
and abdominal putterer iz oppozd to the re-kol. 

383. Bad-pepel ar only good wuns with thair trolies 
twisted and hoo ar being forcd by an evil soshal sistem to 
travel rong roads. 

384. Thare shud be but wun kuntry, wun flag, wun lang- 
widj and wun brutherhood, based on the eturnal principels 
ov Humanity, Fraturnity, Ko-operashun, Equolity, Justis, 
Truth, Liberty and Hapines for al, and such wil be the kace 
wen a majority ov humans ar intelijent and onest enuf to es- 
tablish Soshalizm thruout the erth. 

385. Soshalizm iz the only remedy that kan rem — 
The only panacea that kan pan, 

For it wil bring Justis to al ov them — ■ 
Helth and Hapines to every wuman and man. 



76 MENTAL DINAMITE 

386. If relijun iz a good thing, wy don't it impruve thoze 
hoo hav it? The klerjy hav more ov it than eny wun else, 
and yet tha ar about az bad and korrupt az eny wun kan be 
without being a kompound chunk ov total depravity. 

387. A church soshabel iz a glutunus orjie for the purpus 
ov skining sukers and numskuls for Krist's sake. Hiz Nibs 
must be hard up for muny to hav such skin games run for 
hiz benefit. The gods hav always bin fond ov mutun wen 
the priests gatherd the sheep for them. Savy, eh? Wei, 
then, keep rijht on being skind and plaed for a suker. 

388. The rezun pepel kommit suicide iz bekoz tha hav 
found life a failyur under a kapitalist sistem and don't kare 
to kontinu it. Tha hav bin forcd to realize that the game iz 
not wurth the kandel. Insted ov being "insanity" it iz wiz- 
dum. Az suicide iz nuthing more nor les than freing wun's 
self from suf ering and trubel, I fail to se wher the "insanity" 
kums in. Ofkours, from a theolojikal standpoint (and it iz 
jeneraly from such a premis the subjekt iz konsiderd) sui- 
cide iz a terribly "wiked and insane" akt, simply bekoz the 
individual thus places himself forever beyond the power ov 
the klerjy to humbug and rob him; in fakt, the klerjy regard 
a suicide prity much az the barbers du the man hoo shaves 
himself, or az the doktors du the individual hoo haz sens 
enuf to keep wel. Az it iz the sky-pilot's biznes to prepare 
pepel for and assist them into a mythikal place koled 
"Heven," at so much pur assist, it iz only nachural for them 
to hold in bitter kontempt the individual hoo haz the sens 
and temerity to strol into the dark and silent BEYONDNES 
al by hiz litel lonesum. Everything that lesens the inkum ov 
theze pius frebooters and thair masters, the kapitalists, iz 
regarded by them az a "dedly" and "unforgivabel sin," 
henc, thair pet avurshun to suicide and "Sawbath desekra- 
shun." After a purson haz attachd hiz own tooties to the 
Arbutus Plant and made himself go dam, the kapitalists wil 
not get to exploit hiz labor eny more nor sel him eny more 
ov thair shody and adulterated goods at an enormus profit ; 
neither kan the poor devil breed eny more and thus furnish 
more child slaves for the swet-shops and mils ov theze profit- 
mongers; and then every suicide iz a bad and kontajus ex- 
ampel to set uther life-weary slaves ; so, it iz quite ezy to se 
wy the kapitalists ar oppozd to suicide, and wy thair vile 
mouth-peces, the klerjy, eko the sentiments ov thair mas- 
ters in regard to self-destrukshun. This iz but anuther evi- 
denc ov ekonomik deturminizm. 

389. Ekonimik deturminizm means that pepel's beleefs 



MENTAL DINAMITE 77 

and ideas ar always and everywher deturmined by the way 
tha make thair living; for instanc, wen the kapitalists made 
thair living by pursonaly owning the body ov the wurkers, 
tha beleevd that chattel slavery woz rijht and lejitimate ; but 
wen the kapitalists ov the North demonstrated to them that 
waje-slavery woz much more profitabel and. les trubelsum, 
tha soon chanjd thair beleefs upon the subjekt ov chattel 
slavery; and the same with the clerjy — tha in turn upheld 
both sistems ov slavery simply bekoz thair salaries and pur- 
quisites kame from the kapitalist slave masters, and tha 
wur thus forcd by thair fizikal necesities to uphold wot- 
ever sistem ov slavery the kapitalist wanted upheld. And 
the same with a purson's ideas on rent, interest, etc. : if he 
livs on interest and rents he iz shure to beleev in thoze in- 
iquities, and vice versa ; and the same with booz and to- 
bako — if he iz making hiz living by seling thoze hel-born 
poizuns, he wil surtenly beleev that "such biznes iz alrijht; 
and so with al uther beleefs — tha ar always deturmind by 
our ekonomik or finanshal interests. 

390. An "Old Maid" or an "Old Batch" iz like unto a 
wotermelon that iz yet in the patch at Kristmas — tha ar 
sandburs gone to seed — the autum leevs that refuze to fol. 

391. If Deth iz not Destrnkshun it iz surtenly a dam 
fine imitashun ov it. 

392. With a 13 ounc brain (the normal and averaje 
brain iz 52 ounces) it iz quite ezy to beleev the "13" super- 
stishun. 

393. Az wings hav never and wil not gro on live pepel, 
it iz quite surten that tha wil not sprout on ded wuns ; it 
wud be just az rezunabel to expekt new leevs to gro on ded 
vines — an utter imposibility and monstrus absurdity beleevd 
in only by klerjymen and dam-fools. 

394. Don't be ambishus to wear dimunds, for 99 pursuns 
out ov every hundred hoo wear them ar sukcesful swin- 
dlers, wurthles parasites, ignorant hipokrits, impudent hum- 
bugs and konceted ases. A brite and onest mind iz the 
best and most bekuming juel to wear. The more juelry and 
pursonal dekorashuns a purson wears the les intelijenc he 
haz, unles, az in sum kaces, he wears them for "biznes" 
rezuns ; that iz, to impres upon hiz intended viktims that he 
iz sukcesful and iz sum punkens in hiz line, etc. Imajin, if 
yu kan, such great and good men and wimen az Darwin, 
Spencer, Humboldt, Edison, Voltaire, Paine, Ingersol, Lin- 
kun, Litsz, Mozart, Poe, Frances E. Willard. Susan B. An- 
thony. "Muther Jones," Debs, YVayland, Karrie Nashun, 



78 MENTAL DINAMITE 

Jesus Krist, et al, wearing dimunds and a lot ov "swel 
rags !" 

395. A muther's hart iz the Kradel ov the wurld, and it 
iz rokd by the hand ov Parental Luv; it iz the Rok-ov-Ajes 
and wil ever abide long after al utlier pashuns hav faded 
and died. 

396. A Fast Life iz only a Slo Deth. ' 

397. Thare ar times in life wen we kan gain time by 
going slo, and also times wen we kan looz time by going 
fast. 

398. "Kiling time" iz only wasting life. 

399. Never sa "yes, mam," and "no, mam," or "yes, 
sur" and "no, stir ;" it iz not "politenes," az most beleev, but 
supurfius absurdity. How ridikulus it iz to kol a wuman 
"mam" every time yu ansur yes or no to hur questchuns — 
don't yu suppoze that she iz "ded-on-to" the fakt ov hur 
mamnes ? Then wy du yu volunteer such uceles and idiotik 
informashun? Quit it, unles yu ar a survant and ar re- 
quired to uze such degrading turms az a mark ov your sur- 
vility. 

400. A luv that wil not wilingly make sakrifices for the 
luvd wun, iz not the jenuin artikel, buf only Selfish Pashun 
maskerading in the garments ov Luv. 

401. The ''Lord's Prar," wich Kristchuns regard az 
purfekted purfekshun and invincibel, iz surtenly a very 
jucy pece ov idiocy. It iz driveling rot and shud be forgot. 
The krazy dogerel starts out by informing God Almijhty 
that he belongs to the Kristchuns and that Hiz Nibs iz in 
"Heven" — wherever that may be, altho not wun ov the 
krazy loons kud lokate such a place to save hiz life ; but we'l 
suppoze for the sake ov argument and to help the Godite 
make out hiz kace, that thare iz such a place az Heven and 
that Mr. God iz purmanently lokated thare, wot iz the uce 
or wher iz the sens in teling him wher he iz every time yu 
addres him? How it must tikel Hiz Nibs to have them tel 
him wher he iz everytime tha speak to him! Wun wud 
think the Old Man woz lost or didn't hav sens enuf to keep 
trak ov himself, and unles the Kristchuns kept an ie on Hiz 
Joblots and informd Hiz Jiblets a fu milyuns ov times pur 
diem and pur nitem that he woz stil thare, he wud looz al 
trace ov Hiz Everlastingnes and wonder of abaft the pix- 
ikel and evergladed morases ov the frostles and drab- 
kulord Henc without eny hat or koat on. Wot a remarkabel 
and valuabel pece ov informashun it must be to an Alwize 
and Supreme Being to be flatly informd to hiz face several 



MENTAL DINAMITE 79 

milyuns ov times a da that he iz in "Heven." Wot a trech- 
erus memory the Old Jent must hav to go rijht and forget 
vvher he iz at az fast az hiz faithful and zelus folloers put 
him "next to it!" Tha surtenly wud be justified in puting 
a bel on the Old Fello to prevent him from loozing him- 
self. I kan readily understand the necesity ov reminding 
Hiz Xibs that he iz the fother ov the Kristchuns, for no 
sane purson wud klaim nor aknolledj eny relashunship to 
such a race ov imbecils unles forcd to du so. I don't blame 
Hiz Jiblets for wanting to forget that he iz responsibel for 
the existence of such diabolikal monstrosities az Mark 
Hanna, Russel Sage, Grover Kleveland, Theodore Roose- 
velt, Jon Shurman, Russel A. Alger, Wm. F. Vilas, Jon 
Dam Robafeller, J. Pierpont Morgan, Zar-ov-Russia, Krazy 
Bil, ov Jurmany, Wyler, James Peabody, Jesse McDonald, 
Guv. Gooding, James McPartland, T. DeWit Talmadj, Sam. 
Jones, Dwite L. Moody, al "Gold-bugs,'' the Damnashun 
Army, The Omaha Bee, Toledo Blade, Kansas City Star, 
Nashvil Amerikan, etc. — tha ar enuf to make eny memory 
go bak on itself. I havn't inkluded in the abuv list ov emi- 
nent Kristchuns such pius church members az Jesse James, 
Frank James, Kole Yunger, the Kansas Benders, H. H. 
Holmes, Bil Kook, Rube Burrows, Bil Dalton, Wm. Taylor, 
Charles Getto, J. Wilkes Booth', Sausaje Leutgert, et al, out 
ov sheer respekt for the latter. "Thy kingdum kum, thy 
Wil be dun," iz anuther valuabel pece ov informashun for 
vvich the Old Jent shud be duly thankful to the Kristchuns, 
for if tha hadn't gone to the trubel and expens ov finding 
this al out for him, how in the wurld wud Hiz Wiskers ever 
hav got next to such rare and valuabel informashun ? How 
it must jolly the Old Storm Rider to lurn that hiz Wil (and 
not the Kristchuns') wil be the exekuted law wen hiz 
"Kingdum" arrives. Probably Unkel Mark Hanna, Jon 
Dam Robafeller, et al wil be thru runing (ruining) things 
by that time ; but theze enterprizing advisers and eduka- 
tors ov the Almijhty shud never let up in thair good wurk 
until tha hav ascertaind and posted the Old Sky Karpenter 
on the exakt date wen hiz Kingdum wil kum and the train it 
wil arrive on, so he kan be at the stopo (new wurd for de 
pot) with a dra to get it soon az it iz unloaded. It iz a 
shame to keep him in the dark koncerning theze things. 
Tha ot to also tel Hiz Everlastingnes ivy hiz wil iz not dun 
on erth at the present time az wel az in "Heven." Shurely 
a "Supreme Being'' with the advic and assistanc ov al the 
milyuns ov Kristchuns in the wurld shud not experienc the 
slitest difikulty in having hiz Wil exekuted every wher at 



80 MENTAL DINAMITE 

the same time ! Az the Old Gost Dane iz unabel to hav hiz 
Wil exekuted eny place outside ov "Heven," not evidenc 
hav we that he wil ever be abel to hav hiz Wil exekuted on 
erth az it iz in "Heven?" Wil Hiz Joblots akquire more 
ability, power and wizdum az the years kontinu to koax 
themselvs and everything esle into the Vast and Lost For- 
ever? In fakt, how iz it posibel for the Infinite to akquire 
eny more power wen it already haz al power? And, like- 
wize, how kan an "Alwize Being" akquire eny more wiz- 
dum wen he already possesses al wizdum? so, then, it must 
lojikaly folio that Mr. God don't want hiz "Wil" dun on 
erth, or else he iz unabel (from an insuffishency ov wizdum 
and ability) to hav it exekuted here az hiz folloers alledj 
iz the prevailing fad in Heven. Either horn ov this dilem- 
ma wil giv the Kristchuns an aggravated kace ov konfluent 
mental piles and kompound prolapsus ov the intellekt. "Giv 
us this da our daly bred," kommand 1 the Kristchuns. Wy 
in thunder don't tha specify wot partikular kind ov broat 
tha prefer — wether tha like korn-bred, wheat-bred, barly- 
bred, rye-bred or pumpernikel the best? And wy don't the 
blamed idiots, wile tha ar at it, brace the Old Baker for sum 
bukwheat-kakes, buter and mapel-syrup ? Just az wel order 
the whole shootin' match wile yu ar at it. Also, remind the 
Old Landlord that sum klean napkins and finger-bowls wud 
be appreshiated. "And forgiv us our trespases az we f orgiv 
them that trespas agenst us," kontinues the impudent kom- 
mand. Great Skot ! but it iz a luky thing for theze degener- 
ate siminas that thair Great Hokus Pokus regards this kom- 
mand and advic az the standing joke ov the sezun and lets 
it go at that ; for if he wur to take the impudent kommand 
seriusly and judj and sentec them az tha du each uther, he 
wud burn 50 per cent ov them in a slo fire, bury 25 per cent 
ov them alive and giv the remainder ov them 500 years in a 
Spanish-Andersonvil with Gov. Peabody and Wyler az 
Wordens, Grover Kleveland az kook, Jon Dam Roba feller 
as chaplen and Mark Hanna and Jon Shurman to read 
Roosevelt's books and Talmadj's surmons and the gold-bug 
papers to them. "And lede us not into temptashun," kon- 
tinues the insulting kommand, az tho the Old Boy wur in 
the habit ov ledeing pepel into mischeef. Wun wud think 
from that bit ov kaushuning that the Old Sky Roamer de- 
zired to lede pepel astra, and that it woz necessary for hiz 
konstituents to jak him up about it a fu milyuns ov times 
pur diem, in order to restrain the Old Reprobate from in- 
ducing hiz pong shong for koaxing pepel to take a strol 
adown that helward and returnles path that only haz cig- 



MENTAL DINAMITE 81 

arets, beer bottles, gold-bugs and regret at the uther end ov 
it. "But deliver us from evil/' goes on the driveling dog- 
erel, az tho a God hoo dezired to lede pepel astra kud be 
trusted to deliver them from evil. It seems to never hav 
okkurd to theze relijus ninies that a Supreme Being (such 
az tha beleev in) kud just az ezily hav made this wurld 
without eny badnes in it, and then thare wud be no necesity 
for a "Saveyur" to "deliver us from evil." If thare be an 
Alwize and Beneficent Kreator hoo dezined and kreated 
everything, he iz, tharefore, the author ov al the bad things 
az wel az the good wuns ; then wy shud we shun and hate a 
part ov God's wurks? The saloon and brothel ar just az 
much God's wurks az ar the church and the skool hous, and 
the kancer and the pallid tapewurm ar just az truly hiz krea- 
shuns az ar the butiful and fragrant flower and the fruitful 
grapevine. The "Great Fizishan" took just az much pains 
in making pimpels az he did in konstrukting dimpels, and 
wile he woz planting smiles in every face he woz also ar- 
ranjing a rezervoir ov teers abuv every ie to drown the 
smiles with. He haz fild every hart with luv and then made 
milyuns ov things to bust it and make it go dam with greef. 
He haz made every wing out ov materials that ezily break, 
and in every life and flower he haz konceled the jurms ov 
deth ; so, God must like and want al theze bad things or else 
he zvudn't hav made them and skatered them al over the 
wurld ; tharefore, az the Old Bos iz satisfied with al the 
evil in the wurld, I kan't se wher the Kristchuns hav eny kik 
kuming, nor wy tha shud be so tortchurd with mental bely- 
ake bekoz thair God iz satisfied with hiz own wurks and tha 
ar not. It evidently haz never dawnd upon theze poor don- 
kys that in asking thair God to "deliver them from evil," 
tha ar also requesting the Old Wurld Maker to deliver them 
from hiz own wurks. Thair stupidity iz only equold by- 
thai r impudenc ! 

402. Yung men shud never keep kumpany with gurls- 
tha kannot, with onest pride, introduc to thair muthers and. 
sisters. 

403. Gurls shud never keep kumpany with nor marry 
boozers and tobako uzers, for al such men ar dejenerates. 
and unwurthy a good wuman's notis, and if tha marry such- 
dekadents tha wil bekum the unhapy muthers ov dejener- 
ate and inferior of spring. Either marry a man that iz: 
wurth having, or lese sloly and lonesumly go to seed az an; 
"old maid." Men hoo booz and uze tobako ar not fit to» 
breed snakes to, and shud be shund by al good wimen hoo 
desire helthy and moral ofspring wen tha marry. 



$2 MENTAL DINAMITE 

404. Deth iz a safe and stormles harbor in the great 
Mediterranean ov Eturnity. 

405. Deth iz the Everlasting Pacifik ov Eturnity into 
wich al streams ov life duth ever flo and disappear. 

406. Deth iz the only River that haz no Uther Shore. 

407. Nearly al priests beleev that booz iz injurius — to 
cthair parishoners. 

408. Deth iz the deepest and tranquilest River in the 
wurld, and yet no ship has ever bin abel to kros it. 

409. Deth iz the wun thing that we al dislike, and yet no 
wun ever objekts after geting it; so, I konklude it iz a dam 
<good thing. 

410. Thare ar times wen every wun feels like kiken the 
supreme stufin' out ov himself. 

411. If lying iz not allowd in Heven it wud not be heven 
at al for Kristchuns and Republikans. 

412. Az the kapitalist sistem iz a Upas tre, we kan't ex- 
pekt it to bear enything but evil fruit, and wun ov the wurst 
and bitterest Ded-Sea appels that this infurnal tre bears iz 
the Aborshun Biznes, and this iz wun ov the greatest and 
■most flurishing enterprizes in the United States, thare being 
xfuly 3,000,000 aborshuns or fetuscides in the land ov the 
ire and brave every year. At a konservativ estimate each 
'kace kosts $50 — a grand total ov $150,000,000. Most wimen 
.and gurls hoo hav to wurk for wajes ar paid such a smol 
v^aje tha ar unabel to liv on it, and ar thus tempted, and in 
most kaces aktchualy forcd, into- seling thair onor in order 
to liv even in a semi-respektabel and kumfortabel manner. 
Wei, wen a gurl yields up hur verchu to sum man, she wil 
•most likely soon bekum a kandidate for the survices ov sum 
aborshun doktor, and to make it ezy for such unfortchunate 
gurls to find theze aborshunists, the kapitalisi-pres (with 
but fu excepshuns) kontinualy print the advurtizements ov 
the aborshunists and the roues hoo seduce gurls for pastime. 
In reading the Detroit, Michigan, Free Press, toda, Aug. 
26, 1906, I found quite a number ov such advurtizements, a 
fu ov wich I giv belo in order that my readers may se that I 

-am not giving them hot air and that I am not prejudicd 
agenst the kapitalist papers. In fakt, yu wil never find such 
vile and kriminal advurtizement in eny kind ov a paper ex- 
cept a kaptitalist paper. I also selekt the Detroit Free Press 
bekoz it iz at hand and iz wun ov the oldest and larjest and 
most inrluenshal papers in the U. S. It iz a staunch Repub- 
likan paper and iz awfuly afraid that Soshalizm wud de- 



MENTAL DINAMITE 83 

stroy the home, etc. Here ar a fu ov its advurtizements that 
wil probably bild up and presurv the home, akkording to 
kapitalist lojik. 

"COOK'S COTTON ROOT COMPOUND." 
"The Great Uterine Tonic and the only safe, effectual 
monthly regulator on wich women can depend. Sold in 3 
degrees of strength : No. 1, $1 ; No. 2, 10 degrees stronger, 
$3 ; and No. 3, for special cases, $5 per box. Sold by all 
druggists or at Gray & Worcester's or Grunow & Patter- 
son's drug stores, Detroit. Insist on having Cook's Cotton 
Root Compound." 

"LADIES — Use Mrs. Whittle's female capsules for ir- 
regularities and delayed periods ; no case hopeles ; prize $2 ; 
extra double strength, $3 ; cure guaranteed or money re- 
funded. Mrs. Whittle, 38 Montcalm st. west, Detroit." 

* * * 5jC * 

"My Indian cotton root pills will cure the worst case of 
suppressed or delayed menses. Price $1 per box. Dr. 
Wahoo, 259 Rivard street." 

j){ :jc % H< H= 

"Private-Lying-In-Home for ladies before and during 
confinement ; strictest secrecy ; also babies for adoption. L. 
Marr, matron, 413 Lafayette ave. Phone W. 985." 

"Wanted — A young lady 18 or 19, to travel on a short 
vacation tour with a young man to Mackinac Island. Must 
be respectable and of good character. Expenses paid. 
Leave Monday, return Friday. Write today. Address box 
V. No. 2, Free Press." 

It woz downrijht liberality and rekles prodigality ov the 
last abuv menshund kus to offer to pay the yung lady's ex- 
penses on a trip to Mackinac Hand ; but think ov the nurv 
ov the kus in stating that she "must be respectable and of 
good character!" If that aint a specimen ov nurv for yu I 
never saw eny. And he iz so surten ov geting wot he wants 
that he only advurtizes wun da ahed. After "respctable 
yung ladies ov .good karakter" take a trip to Makinak Hand 
with a yung man ov hiz fadeles and indelibel nurv, tha ar 
quite likely to be interested in sum ov the abuv unfailing 
remedies for "suppresd or delayed periods," and later on be- 
kum transhent gests ov sum ov the numerus "Lying-in- 
Homes for ladies" wher "strictest sekrecy" iz a speshalty, 
and "infants adopted" a leader. Wen gurls and wimen 
wurk for the guvernment, insted ov privet employers, and 



84 MENTAL DINAMITE 

receve the ful produkt ov thair labor, tha wil be abel to liv 
klean and respektabel lives, and wil not be tempted nor 
fared into a life ov shamq in order to liv ; tha wil then also 
be abundantly abel, at thair own expens, to take trips to 
Makinak Hand or eny uther rezort if tha wish to du so ; and 
then thare wud be no kustomers for "Cotton-Root-Pils" and 
"Lying-in-Homes for ladies," etc. 

413. The "Gold-Bugs" and uther dam fools and raskals 
quote the amount ov muny in the banks az evidenc ov 
"prosperity;" yes, it duz indikate that the banks ar pros- 
perus, but az tha ar only sukcesful swindlers, (not giving 
enything for wot tha get nor not producing eny welth nor 
pur forming eny uceful or necessary labor) thair prosperity 
indikates a korresponding poverty ov thoze numskuls from 
hoom tha get the kash ov wich tha boast. Wy don't the 
gold-pres publish the amount ov muny the James Boys had 
in thair posseshun az evidences ov prosperity? If the 
James Boys had a milyun dollars in thair vaults (belts) 
wud that not indikate that thoze from hoom tha stole it wur 
just a milyun dolars poorer? Az thoze pius brigands gave 
no equivalent for wot tha got, thair posseshuns kud only in- 
dikate prosperity for themselvs — and so it iz with the bank- 
ers and al uther parasites — thair prosperity iz at the expens 
ov thair fool nabors ; and so ar the foxes prosperus wen 
thair belies ar ful ov chiken ; but that kind ov prosperity haz 
always seemd to my hethenisli mind a litel tuf on the fowls. 
The bankers ar the finanshal foxes and thair foolish de- 
positors ar the sily chikens hoo roost rijht in the raynard's 
holes. The more muny the banks hav the les the pepel hav, 
and tharefore, the wurs tha (the pepel) ar of. And the 
les muny thare iz in surkulashun (under the prezent form 
ov society) the harder the times ; for it iz just az necessary 
to prosperity to hav a surten amount ov muny in surkula- 
shun with wich to mazhur values and effekt exchanjes ov 
produkts, az it iz to hav a surten number ov yard-stiks, tape- 
mazhurs, a surten amount ov type, or a surten number ov 
plows and uther tools. Suppose that wun bank had al the 
muny in the U. S. lokd up its vaults, wud that indikate that 
the pepel wur burdend with "prosperity?" Suppoze that 
wun furm had al the tools and masheenery lokd up in thair 
posseshun, wud that denote prosperity amung the mases? 
Suppose that the pepel wur kompeld to borro theze tools and 
masheens from this furm and pay them interest for the uce 
ov sed implements, wud that pruve that the pepel wur riot- 
ing in prosperity? Suppoze that sum Mormon Elder had 



MENTAL DINAMITE 85 

al the gurls and wimien lokd up in hiz harem, wud that indi- 
kate that the rest ov us wur prospering matrimonialy ? Not 
by a dam site! and so it iz with muny, (the tools ov kom- 
murs) for wen the bankers korner it and lok it up and fore 
the pepel, thru necesity, to borro it ov them and pay them 
interest for the uce ov it, the pepel ar not, and kan not, be 
prosperus ; and tha ar a kowardly lot ov ignorant jakases 
to thus allow themselvs to be skind and humbugd by the 
bankers and thair raskaly pals — the kapitalist-pres and 
klerjy. Suppoze that wun man had al the wheat, barly, rye 
and korn in the U. S. lokd up in hiz posseshun, wud that 
elevate bred-prosperity amung the mases? No wun shud 
ever pay interest for the uce ov muny. Kounterfiting iz an 
onorabel and legitimate biznes wen kompared with banking 
and the muny-lending shel-games. Muny-lending shud be 
prohibited by law the same az kounterfiting or burglary. It 
iz robery and burglary alrijht enuf, and the only diferenc 
between it and the uzhual kind konsist in the fakt that the 
muny -lender uzes muny, insted ov a 6-shooter and jimmy, 
to hold up hiz viktims ; but it iz al the same to the viktims ; 
then the muny-lenders hav komplete kontrol ov the law- 
making masheenery and hav bin wize enuf to legalize thair 
game ; so we kan't hav them "pinchd ;" at least, not wile tha 
hav komplete kontrol ov al departments ov the guvernment. 
The dam fools hoo put thair muny in banks for "safe keep- 
ing," shud take a ful 5 years kours in an insane asilum. 
Every postoffis shud receve muny on depozit for safe keep- 
ing and allow the depozitors to chek agenst it az tha needed 
it. This department ov the postoffis shud be kondukted at 
kost and in the interest ov the whole pepel. Such an ar- 
ranjement wud be absolutely safe, konveneyent and very in- 
expensiv. The only way to setel the "muny-questchun," 
under the prezent kapitalist sistem, iz to make muny-lending 
(for interest or profit) a felony — the same klas ov krime az 
kounterfiting. If muny kud not be loand at a profit, thare 
wud be no incentiv for hoarding nor "kornering" it, and 
thus making it skarc. Then al muny wud sta in surkulashun 
wher it properly belongs. Muny woz never intended for 
breeding-purpuses — such iz not a lejitimate funkshun ov 
muny. Muny iz now uzd larjly az an instrument ov krime — 
a sort ov burglar's tool for robing uthers with. Under So- 
shalizm thare wud be no muny like we now hav. In its 
place we wud hav a labor-surtifikate-ov-kredit, wich wud 
purform al the lejitimate funkshuns ov muny, but not eny 
ov the kriminal funkshuns. This labor-surtifikate wud bear 
the pikchur ov the wun to hoom it rijhtfuly belongd, and, 



86 MENTAL DINAMITE 

konsequently, no wun else kud uze it or get eny thing with 
it; henc, no wun wud hav eny objekt in stealing it, for it 
wud be ov no uce wotever to him. It wud be sumthing like 
a non-transferabel meal-tiket with the owner's foto on it, 
and wenever he made a purchase ov eny kind, the amount 
wud be punchd out. Under this sane and onest sistem a 
purson kud not get a meal nor enything else unles he had a 
labor-surtifikate, and he kud not get a surtifikate unles he 
furst purfomd uceful labor and thus had producd the equiv- 
alent ov wot the surtifikate koled for. Under such a sistem 
thare kud be no dets and the numerus trubels groing out ov 
dets ; neither kud thare be eny drones — thoze living by inter- 
est, rents, profits and uther krimes. Az no wun kud gain 
enything by kommiting a krime, thare wud be no krime ; but 
under the prezent kriminal sistem it maters not wether yu 
get "muny" onestly or utherwize, yu kan buy just az much 
with it ; henc, the incentiv to steal it or kommit uther krimes 
to obtain it. Soshalizm iz the only real remedy for al evils. 

414. If most pepel had thair just dezurts, tha'd soon noe 
wether thare iz a life beyond the grave. 

415. ''Wild Oats" nearly always -develop into Mental- 
Weeds. 

416. Wimen ar made up ov about i-i3th ov wot tha 
shud be, and about I9~3rds ov wot tha shud not be; but 
taken al in al tha ar a kind ov a sweet, bitter, dezirabel and 
necessary nusanc, and a great deal better than we men de- 
zurv ; however, tha wud be a thouzand times beter if men nu 
how and treted them rijht. 

417. Men ar such "bad krechurs" wimen marry them 
just to get even with them for being so dezirably diabolikal. 

418. Lafter iz the Sunshine ov the Mind, and Smiles ar 
the mello Moonlite ov the Soul. 

419. Frowns ar the simptums ov Mental Dispepsha. 

420. Wenever pepel soe "wild-oats" tha ar shure to stik 
the needle in thair fingers. 

421. Man iz so bad that if he katches a hog the poor 
animal wil squeel and strugel and du al in its power to get 
out ov hiz kumpany. 

422. Mittens and gluvs ar nuthing more nor les than 
soks for the forefeet. 

423. If Humans wur only az sensibel, truthful and wel- 
behavd az the Uther Animals, wot a paradise this wurld wud 
be. And if it wur not for the kapitalist profit and waje sis- 



MENTAL DIN AMITE. 87 

tern, humans wud soon be az moral and wel'-behavd az the. 
uther animals. 

424. Making a "profit'' of each uther, by its rijht name,, 
iz simply swindeling wun anuther ; and az nearly al humans 
ar engajd in the delektabel wurk ov making profits of each, 
uther, iz it eny wunder that onesty iz the skarcest artikel in 
the wurld and haz bekum a by-wurd ov reproach in kom- 
murshal surkels ? Thare kan be no real onesty, morality and 
brutherhood az long az we exploit each uther. 

425. Most pepel ar even wurs than thair nabors think tha. 
ar. 

426. Wimen ar the bitterest sweet and the sweetest bit- 
ter fruit in al this bitter wurld ; and after al tha ar just about 
the proper diet for wiked men. 

427. Shaking hands iz kising with the forefeet, and kis- 
ing iz shaking hands with the lips. 

428. Wimen hav so litel inside thair kraniums tha hav 
to wear a great meny dekorashuns on the outside in order 
to attrakt attenshun to that end ov themselvs. If it wur the 
"fashun" for wimen to wok on thair heds, I wunder wot 
kind ov hats tha wud wear on thair tooties? 

429. Wenever a purson loozes hiz temper during an ar- 
gument, that iz the most pozitiv proof that he iz defeated 
and seeks to divurt attenshun from the subjekt that woz 
under diskushun by kiking up a row. If he wur geting the 
best ov the argument he wud feel so good that he wudn't 
get mad and thus make an as ov himself. 

430. Thare iz nuthing so bad and diabolikal but wot it 
plezes sum body, for sum wun iz benefited by every kalamity 
that takes place under the prezent insane and immoral sis- 
tern ov living. If a bilding iz destroyd by fire or utherwize, 
the lumber and hardware murchants rejoic, for tha wil get 
to sel, at a profit, the materials for re-bilding the strukchur. 
If a purson dies or gets kild, the undertaker iz plezd, for he 
gets a profitabel job intering the remains, etc. If a purson* 
gets sik or injurd, the doktors and drugists rejoic, for it 
means "biznes'' for them. If a huzband and wife separate, 
the lawyers and judjes smile inturnaly unto themselvs, for 
it means "divorc-biznes," and that iz peach pi for them ; and 
so with al uther kalamities — sum wun iz benefited by them. 
Under Soshalizm no wun wud be benefited by a kalamity or 
disaster. 

431. Goujing chunks ov time out ov Eturnity duz not 
diminish the original supply in the least, and the akkiirmi- 



88 MENTAL DINAMITE 

lashuns ov the Past dunot shorten the Fuchur eny. Funy, 
eh? 

432. The Prezent iz only a blak and fleeting Streak ov 
Evanescent Trubel that divides the Past from the Fuchur. 

433. The Uther Animals don't monopolize nachural re- 
sources, and henc, tha don't hav eny poverty, slavery, in- 
sanity, divorces, krime and relijun. Wot a glorius exampel 
tha hav thus set thair dejenerate kuzens, the Humans, if the 
latter only had sens enuf to komprehend and folio it ! 

434- KO-OPERASHUN iz the Ke 

That wil unlok every door for yu and me, 
For wen united az wun power, 
We kan kapchur every flower. 

435. Tedy Roosevelt, the "Ruf-Rider," "Bronko-Bus- 
ter," "Bear-Kiler," "Koyote-Chaser" and al-round Blufer 
and Blohard, woz afraid to meet the Immortal Karrie Na- 
shun, an old wuman, and had hiz pals forcbly ejekt hur 
from hiz rendezvoo in the Wite Hous. Ugh! big brave 
Wite-Cheef — afraid ov a squaw ! 

436. "Interest," "rents" and "profits" ar the 3 skin- 
games thru wich the non-producing klases exploit the pro- 
ducing mases, and yet theze proletarian ases wil vote for 
interest, rents and profits every chanc tha get. The kused 
fools kontinualy vote for wot tha don't want and then kik 
bekoz tha get it. Tha elekt thair enemies to offis and then 
petishun sed enemies for favors. 

437. Wenever the churches want to raiz muny for 
"Krist's sake," (in reality for the priest's sake) tha always 
appeal to the pepel's stumiks insted ov thair brains, by 
geting up sum kind ov a feed for the pius hogs to go up 
agenst, for it iz notorius that the relijus animal haz more 
guts than intellekt. Theze church feeds ar simply glutunus, 
fallik orjies at wich the pius and priest-riden old hens, as- 
sisted by the flip and brainles yung pullets, kook up a lot ov 
abominabel and indijestibel truk and sel it at enormous 
prices to the pius numskuls hoo hav a greater dezire to min- 
gel with the "sisters" than tha hav regard for thair helth. 
The only sukcesful way to reach the relijus animal's poket- 
book iz thru hiz pashuns and appetites. If filing the Krist- 
chun's bely with a redhot meal ov ded chiken, ham, pikels, 
chowder, mustard, pepper, solt, lard, kakes, pies, te, koffe, 
etc., iz not suffishent to open hiz purs for the priest's benefit, 
alias "Krist's sake," then tha arouz hiz sexual pashuns by 
such lassivius devices az "leg shoes," "ankel okshuns," "sel- 
ing kises," etc. With al ov theze (and meny uthers) dia- 



MENTAL DINAMITE 89 

bolikal and libidinus devices for exciting- and inflaming the 
pashuns, it iz no wunder that relijun iz such a fearful strain 
on the 7th Kommandment and kozes konfluent kampmeet'n' 
jurks in the koldest weather. Theze erotik duks shud be 
trefined for prolapsus ov the intellekt. Wot a pity thair 
God hazn't endowd them with more intellekt and les guts 
and reproduktiv abilities. Az the church iz only a jigantik 
profit-making masheen and uceles parasite, it haz always 
debased and degraded everything with wich it haz kum in 
kontakt. It iz only a wily skeme ov the kapitalists to skin 
the pepel and keep the wurkers submisiv and satisfied with 
thair hard lot in ''this wurld," bv making the poor chumps 
beleev that tha wil be ITTTTT in the "next wurld.'' 
And the more the men's pashuns ar excited by such kondi- 
ments az te, koffe, pepper, vinegar, mustard, etc., the more 
wil tha attend church in order to mingel with the "sisters," 
over hoom the klerjy exert such a tremendus and baleful 
influenc. 98 per cent ov al bildings that ar uzd for saloons 
and banyos ar ownd by pius church members, and theze 
pius hipokrits and dejenerates rent thair bildings with a ful 
nolledj ov the uces to wich tha wil be put; but so long az 
tha receve thair "rent-muny, (wich makes them akcessories 
to theze kriminal and foul enterpizes) tha kare not a dam. 
Wenever a purson rents a bilding for saloon or banyo pur- 
puses, he or she thus bekums a partner in sed biznes, and the 
"rent" tha receve iz thair share ov the swag, or, more po- 
litely speaking, thair "dividend." Tha ar a bad lot and my 
kriticizms ov them ar wholy within the bounds ov the truth ; 
but az Soshalizm wil abolish this evil along with al uthers, 
we kan turn our ies to the fuchur with the star ov Hope 
shining in them. 

438. The only rezun sum human beings havn't enuf, iz 
bekoz uther humans hav tu much. The remedy iz very sim- 
pel — let thoze boo wurk and produc welth refuze to giv it 
to thoze hoo don't labor nor produc eny welth, thru such 
damnabel devices, az ''interest," "rents" and "profits." Go 
to the pols and vote agenst such kapitalist skin-games by 
voting the Soshalist tiket, and duing al yu kan between 
elekshuns to enliten your ignorant and stupid nabors to the 
buties and posibilities ov the Ko-operativ Komonwelth. 
Lonq- az yu vote eny tiket except the Soshalist, yu wil hav 
about 85 per cent ov al that your labor produces taken away 
from yu by the varius kapitalistik devices that surround yu 
on every side ; and the saloon, the brothel, the gambling de- 
vices, tobako, the church, etc., ar al kuningly devizd skin 
games to separate fools from thair niuny. 



90 MENTAL DINAM1TE 

439. Sum pepel ar so inherently bad tha ar not satisfied- 
wen tha reach the botum, for tha stil strive to go loer and 
penetrate to depths to wich magots wud not go out ov sheer 
self-respekt. This applies to kapitalists in jeneral and to 
the members ov the "Citizens' Allianc" in partikular. 

440. Wen yu kompare Wm. J. Bryan with Wm. Mc- 
Kinley, the Nebraska gabster looms up butifuly; but wen 
yu kompare Windy Wilyun with Debs or Linkun, the Silver 
Fonograf iz very smol potatoes and not enuf in a hil to make 
prosperity soup for al. Herr Bilyun Bryan iz a kapitalist, 
and like al uther kapitalists, iz klaskonshus and wurks only 
in the interests ov his klas, and hiz klas ar uzing him az a 
"stool-pidjun" or "dekoy-duk" to fool the wurking jakases 
with, and at this despikabel and kowardly hyenish job, Billy- 
ov-the-Plat iz a distinkt sukces. Al hiz profeshuns ov frend- 
ship for the wurking-klas ar like the profeshuns ov amity 
the spiders make the flies, or like the oliv-branch the foxes 
politely ofitef the sily chikens. Steer klear ov the Nebraska 
tungolojist, for he iz the kind ov an Indian that wud stik a 
squaw in the bak if hur hands wur tied and she wozn't look- 
ing. 

441. A "Smart Ellik" iz a g. d. fool hoo don't noe eny- 
thing, and wot he duz noe iz not so. About 3~4th ov al 
humans ar Smart Elliks. 

442. Immortality iz a Luv Dream that ekoes- in Eturnity. 

443. Luv iz hedake ov the hart and nuthing but mar- 
raj e wil kure it. 

444. Sum pepel ar so unutterly god tha ar utterly wurth- 
les. 

445. How foolish to hurry and rush thru the only life 
we hav wen thare iz nuthing but Destrukshun at the uther 
end ov it. 

446. Life iz but an insane Dream — a krazy joke that Na- 
chur plaed on hurself wen hur troly woz twisted. 

447. Deth iz the eziest thing in the wurld to get, but the 
imposibelist to get rid ov ; in fakt, it iz un-get-rid-a-bel and 
the best frend we hav. 

448. Insted ov printing on the Guvernment munyr 
"The Guvernment promises to pay to bearer the sum ov I 
dollar," it shud be : The bearer promises to pay the Guv- 
ernment $1," for al guvernment muny iz evidenc ov the 
pepel's indetednes to the Guvernment, and not the Guvern- 
ment's indetednes to them. How kan the Guvernment get 
in det to the pepel? duz it buy goods from them on kredit? 



MENTAL DINAMITE 91 

or duz it borro muny from them? if not, how duz it hapen 
to get so in det to the dear pepel ? Shurely the Guvernment 
wud not promis to pay sumthing it did not oe, eh? It iz 
quite ezy to understand how the pepel ar always in det to the 
Guvernment — in the way ov taxes for the latter's support. 
It woz for this rezun and purpus that Guvernments first 
ishued "muny." Primarily the Guvernment sent ajents out 
amung the pepel to kollekt such food-produkts, klothing 
and al uther things tha needed, but az this sistem ov kollekting 
taxes direktly woz very expensiv and inkonveneyent, it wuz 
soon abolishd and supplanted by the "muny-sistem," wich 
iz yet in uce. This furst "muny" woz only intended az 
Guvernment tax-recetes, shoing that the holder ov them had 
paid the Guvernment a surten amount ov taxes by furnish- 
ing the Guvernment a surten amount ov korn, wheat, pota- 
toes, meats, bred, klothing, or uther artikels, or had dun a 
specified amount ov wurk for the Guvernment in lu ov fur- 
nishing uther produkts. After theze taxrecetes got quite 
abundant amung the pepel, the latter got to uzing them az a 
medium ov exchanj amung themselvs, and wich tha found 
to be quite konveneyent for that purpus. Thare ar always 
sum pepel in every kommunity hoo ar shruder and more 
kuning than uthers, and it woz theze sleek raskals hoo kon- 
cevd the skeme ov kollekting and kornering theze tax-re- 
cetes. After theze jeni ov Satan had kornerd most ov theze 
tax-recetes, tha formd a "lobby" and went after the Guvern- 
ment Offishals, wich tha ezily and quikly indued (by bribery, 
ofkours) to not ishu eny more tax-recetes to the pepel in 
exchanj for thair produkts and survices renderd to the Guv- 
ernment, but to require them (the pepel) to pay thair taxes 
in the fuchur with the same tax-recetes tha had already 
recevd from the Guvernment, az that arrangement wud save 
the Guvernment the expens and trubel ov ishuing more ov 
theze tax-recetes ; now, after this infamus "law" woz pasd 
by the Guvernment at the instigashun ov theze skoundrels, 
(now noen az bankers and muny-lenders) the only, way the 
pepel kud pay thair dues to the Guvernment woz with theze 
tax-recetes or "muny," az tha wur now koled, and az theze 
bankers had nearly al ov them in thair posseshun, the pepel 
wur thus kompeld, by "lazv," to borro them from theze 
"bankers" and on the latter's own turms, wich wur outrajus 
enuf yu may bet. Here iz the orijen ov the "banking'' or 
"munv-lending" sistem, wich iz the most damnably infamus 
and diabolikaly outrajus swindel that woz ever purpetrated 
on the pepel with the singel excepshun ov "relijun." Az 
the pepel had to hav theze tax-recetes or "muny" in order 



92 MENTAL DINAMITE 

to discharj thair bi-yearly obligashuns to the Guvernment, 
and needed them al year az exchanj media in biznes, tha 
soon found themselvs deeply in "det" to theze kuning and 
raskaly shyloks; and with this indetednes ov the pepel to 
the muny-sharks, soon folloedi thair komplete dependenc, 
humiliashun, subjekshun and slavery, wich endureth even 
unto the prezent da — Aug. 19, 1894. And theze eminently 
"respektabel" and "phis" theevs ar yet skining and exploit- 
ing the pepel by means ov thair "muny-sistem" or "banking- 
biznes." After awile sum ov the les obtuce ov the pepel 
began to suspekt the presenc ov a kulord jentelman in the 
Guvernment woodpile, and deklined to exchanj e thair prod- 
ukts for this "muny" the shyloks wur "loaning" to the pepel. 
Wen Mr. Shylok offerd farmer Jones a ten dollar bil or 
"tax-recete" that 5 years ago woz paid by hiz nabor, farmer 
Smith, in exchanje for 15 bushels ov farmer Jones' good, 
nutrishus wheat, farmer Jones kudn't quite se it that way, 
and deklined to exchanje. Here woz a prity pikel, indeed, 
but the shyloks wur equol to the emurjency, and had thair 
"lobby" "hipnotize' (bribe) the Guvernment to print the 
folloing koerciv gag on al theze "tax-recetes" or "muny :" 
"The Guvernment promises to pay to bearer on demand $1," 
or wotever the amount mijht be. It woz this pece ov infamy 
that made theze tax-recetes or muny "legal tender." That 
iz, by this damnabel transakshun the Guvernment forcd the 
pepel to akcept a wruthles pece ov paper or metal in ex- 
chanje for thair good produkts and onest toil. Az the bank- 
ers own the Guvernment tha never experienc eny difikulty 
in geting just wot tha want; but the time iz near at hand 
wen theze unhung vilens wil get just wot tha don't want, 
but wich tha richly dezurv. To hang every banker and 
muny-lender wud be leting the skunks of very litely. I don't 
mean by this that I am in favor ov hanging them, for that 
wud du no good at al, az uthers just az bad wud take thair 
places and the swindel wud go on just az before. I beleev 
in hanging the sislem that enabels bankers or eny uther 
brand ov frebooters to make a living by robing uthers. Al 
exchanje media or muny shud be ishued by the Guvernment 
and made ov paper, and no wun shud be allowd to gambel or 
spekulate with it by "loaning" it at interest ; neither shud tha 
be allowd to put it in houses and lands and rent them, for 
that iz only interest in anuther form; neither shud tha be 
allowd to sel goods at a "profit," for that "profit" iz only 
interest in anuther form, and enabels a lot ov drones to liv 
without producing the equivalent ov wot tha konsume. And 
thare shud be plenty ov muny in surkulashun so the pepel 



MENTAL DINAMITE 93 

wil not be krampd for lak ov it. At least thare shud be in 
aktchual surkulashun $150 pur kapita; but under a purfekt 
soshal sistem, like Soshalizm, muny wil not be needed at al, 
but in its sted a labor-surtifikate ov kredit wil be ishued to 
each wurker at the end ov each munth, and that surtifikate 
wil be good for the equivalent ov wot hiz labor producd the 
foregoing munth. Hiz pikchur wil be on it, and it wil be 
non-transferabel, and henc, no good to eny wun but the 
rijhtful owner. A years labor wud produc a surten amount 
ov welth, and theze labor-surtikikates ar simply orders from 
the Guvernment for that welth, and the holder ov the surtifi- 
kate kan draw out the amount ov hiz kredit az he wants it. 
Az al pursons wud be in the employ ov the Guvernment, the 
welth thair labor producd wud also remain in the ware- 
houses ov the Guvernment until it woz withdrawn by thoze 
hoo wur entiteld to it. Under such a sistem thare kud be 
no dets nor the il-feelings and fudes groing out ov dets. If 
the owner ov a labor-surtifikate shud looz it the finder ov 
it wud return it az it wud be ov no uce to him az it did not 
kontain hiz foto ; but wen yu looz your "muny" at prezent it 
iz seldum returnd by the finder, for the simpel rezun that 
eny wun kan uze it, no matter how he got it ; tharefore, 
"muny" iz the greatest instrument ov krime in al the wurld, 
and krime kan never be abolishd until ''muny" iz dun away 
with. It woz goten up by kriminals and for a kriminal pur- 
pus, and iz the greatest krime-producer in the wurld. Muny 
iz a sort ov a burglar-tool dezined by kapitalists to pik la- 
bor's pokets, and for that purpus it haz no equol. Az no 
wun kud gain enything by disonesty, under Soshalizm, no 
wun wud ever attempt it ; but under the prezent hel-born 
kapitalist sistem ov robery and krime every disonest akt iz 
rewarded by gain or profit ov sum kind ; henc, the frequency 
ov krime and injustis and retchednes under the prezent in- 
sane regime. 

449. The "Old Parties 1 " — the Republikan, Demokrat, 
Populist and Prohibishun, et al, wil go before the pepel in 
1900, az tha hav in the past, and keep up a red-hot sham 
batel on such unimportant and folc ishues az "Territorial- 
Expanshun," "Enlarjing the Army," "Tarif vs. Fre Trade," 
"Muny," "Unlicensd Drug Stores vs. Licensd Saloons," etc. 
for the purpus ov keeping the pepel's minds of the real 
ishues, such az, "Shal the Erth and Its Nachural Resources 
and Its Industries, Kapital and Masheenerv, etc., Be Ownd 
and Enjoyd By Al the Pepel or Only By A Fu Ov Them?" 
This iz the only real ishu, and al uther alledjd wuns ar only 



94 MENTAL DINAMITE 

dust throen in the pepel's ies by the grafters and boodelers 
hoo profit by the prezent epidemik ov krime and injustis. 
This iz the real ishu, but it wil be karefuly avoided by al 
parties except the Soshalists. Tha ar the only wuns hoo wil 
diskus theze live ishues and that ar oppozd to the kondishiuns 
that koze poverty, wor, insanity, krime, disezes and drunk- 
ennes, etc. ; in fakt, it iz the only hope and refuje ov al onest 
and intelijent pepel hoo konsider Humanity abuv Greed. 

450. Sadnes iz inturnal-krying wherin the teers drop bak 
into the Soul and koz silent greef. 

451. I klas Frauds and Humbugs in the folloing order 
akkording to thair kusednes : 

1st, Preachers and Priests ov Relijun, 

2nd, Bankers and Muny-Lenders, 

3rd, Politishuns, 

4th, The Kourts, 

5th, The Railroads, 

6th, Inshuranc Kumpanies, 

7th, Offishals and Officers ov Law, 

8th, Real-Estate Ajents, 

9th, The Lawyers, 

10th, The Newspapers, 

nth, The Murchants and Biznes Men, 

1 2th, Society and Fashuns, 

13th, Doktors and Medicine Men, 

14th, The Saloons and Brueries, 

15th, Tobakonists. 

Thare ar meny smoler humbugs, ofkours, but the abuv ar 
the principal wuns. 

452. Rinkels on the face ar the furst faint shadoes ov the 

Morning-Glory Vine, 
And ar Nachur's anouncements that we ar skorch- 

ing down the line, 
And after a fu more years or so 
We wil reach the end ov our ro, 
And then drift away into -dreamles sleep 
That iz Eturnal and so sweet and deep 
That nun ever awake or weep. 

453. Gra hairs ar a sad and frostful announcment that 
the mournful Oktober-ov-Life haz arrivd, and about Krist- 
mas time Old Wiskers wil pla Santa Klauz with us and at- 



MENTAL DINAMITE 95 

tach the raged end ov the Morning-Glory Vine to our toot- 
les and make us go dam forever ! 

454. Flying iz woking thru the air on the forelegs. 

455. Piety iz respektabel stupidity. 

456. The Blues ar Hope with its troly twisted. 

457. Disappointment iz bely-ake ov the Mind. 

458. Diplomacy iz skilful and sukcesful lying — a sort ov 
agreabel humbugery. 

459. Blarny iz an agreabel folchood with sugar on wun 
side ov it, hunny on the uther side, and molases al around 
the edjes. It iz an Irish relish. 

460. Every path that ledes from the Rijht iz a devius, 
slipery and downward road that haz plenty ov Regret at the 
tither end ov it. 

461. The Republikan Party iz a ludikrus, kriminal, idio- 
tik, diabolikal and fatal joke that Nachur plaed on hurself 
wen she woz drunk. 

462. Marraje without Luv iz like a fower without woter 
and sunshine — a komplete failyur. Luv iz the same to the 
Hart that food iz to the Stumik. and to try and make the 
hart hapy without Luv iz like trying to appeaz the Stumik's 
hunger without food. Don't try it, for it iz imposibel to 
akkomplish. 

463. Deth iz a grim and friteful Monster, so the priests 
tel us, and yet after he gets us in hiz terribel and never-let- 
go klutches, we ar so delited with hiz awful kumpanv we ar 
purfektly wiling to remain with hiz Lethean Majesty for- 
ever. Not wun, out ov the bilyuns hoo hav tried Deth, haz 
bin dissatisfied with the Dark and Silent Mystery. Wot a 
"Bogie Man" the klerjy hav made ov Deth — our kindest, 
jentelest and best frend ! This ''Grim Monster's" breth iz 
like a wingd purfume, and hiz kises ar so soft and sweet 
tha fil the ies with a stranje and -dreamles sleep that lasts 
forever. Theze klerikal blatherskites hav shamefuly lied 
about our good and devoted frend, Deth, hoo never refuzes 
to help us out ov trubel wen we ask him to lend us a hand. 

464. The River-ov-Time iz so wide it haz no shores. 

465. Xo, Soshalizm wil not chanje Human Nachur, but 
wil take Human Nachur out ov an environment that purverts 
Human Nachur to evil deeds. Human Nachur iz alrijht and 
iz ever striving in the rijht direkshun, wich iz upward and 
onward, but wen it iz forcd to exist in an evil or unnachural 
environment, it ofter bekums debauchd and di>ezd and then 



96 



MENTAL DINAMITE 



gravitates downward and bakward ; but wen kept in a helth- 
ful or nachural environment it always tends upward and on- 
ward in akkordanc with the eturnal and) inexorabel laws ov 
Nachur. 




Wot Makes the; Kost ov Living so Hi ? 

It iz due to the fakt that the stupid wurkers purmit the 
shrewd shurkers to ti strings on them, so that thair own 
efforts to get more wajes only inkreces the kost ov living. 
If the wurkers only had sens enuf to kut that string by vot- 
ing the Soshalist tiket, tha wud find the kost ov living lo — 
about 4 hours ov plezant labor a da. Take away from the 
kapitalists the power to raiz prices and make profits on 
everything yu konsume, and yu wil hav the problem solvd. 
It iz ezy to produce welth, but the wurkers foolishly purmit 
a klas ov uceles drones to take it away from them thru 
profit, interest, rents and uceles politikal taxes. 

466. No, I'm not afrade ov DETH, for it iz only wun ov 
Nachur's proceses by wich we ar al reducd to a handful of 



MENTAL DINAMITE 97 

Elemental Nuthing; and with this old-raw material Nachur 
grimly spits on bur Almity Hands and starts al over agen, 
hoping to du a beter job next time. Only the ignorant blok- 
heds hoo hav bin duped and fritend by priests ar afrade ov 
Deth — our nearest nabor and best frend. 

467. The flour mils ov this kuntry, by grinding "wite- 
flour," ar duing a thouzand times more harm, fizikaly, 
moraly and mentaly, than the saloons, tobako and wor al 
put together. Every miller hoo grinds "wite-flour" ot to be 
enlitend and thoze hoo sel and bake it, and thoze numskuls 
hoo voluntarily ete snch damnabel stuf ar in direful need ov 
a ful 5 years kours in a lunatik asilum. The entire grain 
shud be ground up to a uniform finenes, and no part ov it 
taken out; but it Wild be far beter if al bred and grain- 
preparashuns wur entirely abandund, for tha ar more injur- 
ius to helth than utherwize. 

468. 95 babies out ov every 100 born ar dire kalamities 
and shud hav bin indefinitely postponed ; and yet every wun 
of them kud be so purfekt, good and talented az to be real 
blesings, if thair ignorant parents only understood the laws 
ov Heredity and Reprodukshun and applied thoze laws to 
the impruvement ov thair species ; but tha prefer to kling to 
the "kros" and remain ignorant and kurs and plage society 
with thair wurthles and dejenerate brats that tha kan't looz 
nor giv away. Soshalizm wil enliten them. 

469. A Kapitalist iz a nachural born looter and rober 
wherever yu find him ; in fakt, it iz the preponderenc ov the 
animal and kriminal inskinkts in him that makes him a kapi- 
talist and -dejenerate. Al ratelsnakes ar poizonus and al 
skunks stink, and likewize, al kapitalists ar vishus and deka- 
dent. The only things that wil reform them ar Soshalizm 
and deth. Either ov theze wil du the trik for them. Yu 
may think I am rather hard on the kapitalists, and purhaps 
yu wud like my proofs for theze nitrik acid statements? 
The fakt ov a man's being a kapitalist and in favor ov that 
damnabel sistem ov krime and ■debauchery, iz. to my mind, 
the proof ov hiz deieneracv, for I konsider kapitalizm and 
dejeneracy az synonomus turms ; however yu may regard 
this matter, the fakt remains that wherever yu find the kap- 
italist sistem in power and the kapitalists in kontrol ov af- 
fairs, yu wil find lite! else than krime and debauchery and 
the greater part ov the pepel living in retchednes. poverty 
and ignoranc ; so, I judj every tre by the fruit it bears, and 
az the Kapitalist tre only bears evil fruit, I am oppozd to it 
and to al hoo ar in favor ov allowing that Upas tre to kon- 



98 MENTAL DINAMITE 

tinu its uceles and krime-produeing existenc. Meny kap- 
italists ar probably not gilty ov eny uther krime than that 
ov being kapitalists, but that in itself iz enuf to entitel al 
such pursons to be klasd az kriminals and dejenerates or az 
plain, dam fools. How kan a purson konsistently klain to 
be oppozd to krime and at the same time uphold the sistem 
that kozes al krime; and just think ov the ignoranc and nurv 
ov the individual hoo stands up and sezs he iz in favor ov 
vurchu, and then go to the pols and vote for a sistem that 
destroys vurchu ; and just think ov the burning patriotizm 
ov the chump hoo deklares he iz in favor ov the home, and 
then votes for the sistem that has reducd 80 per cent ov the 
pepel ov the U. S. to tenantry ! 

470. "Baptizm" iz a good thing for "rejenerating" Krist- 
chuns and making them good ; but in order for it to be ef- 
fektchual and its good effekts purmanent, tha must be kom- 
pletely immursd and thair heds held under 13 feet ov woter 
for 13 minets, and then I'l garante that tha wil be good ever 
afterward. Soshalizm iz the only kind ov ''baptizm" that 
wil "rejenerate" the devils. 

471. Dets ar kapitalist chains that shake! us to our bond- 
aje. 

472. Methodizm iz the meanest relijun and Republikan- 
izm the most infamus politikal sistem in the wurld, and the 
rezun tha ar so popular iz bekoz most pepel ar ignorant and 
onery enuf to be elijibel to membership in them. 

473. Wile Deth breaks meny harts he also makes uthers 
so hapy tha almost burst with joy. 

474. Deth unpains ever nurv and unbitters every life and 
sweetens it with the soft, deep silenc ov Eturnity. 

475. Humans ar the only animals in the wurld that ar 
foolish enuf to kol thair foolishnes "civilizashun/' 

476. Meny a pius Kristchun gurl haz squonderd hur 
vurchu to get an "Easter" hat that woz nice enuf to wear to 
the "Rezurrekshun" survices ov hur dear "Saveyur." Wot 
a pity Krist hazn't the power to save theze poor fools from 
such foly ! but then the preachers and milliners ar to blame 
for the whole rnizerabel foolishnes, for the preachers teach 
the rezurrekshun humbug bekoz it iz a necessary part ov 
thair graft, and the milliners want the profits from the sale 
ov a lot ov ridikulus and uceles skalp lids. Nachur haz pro- 
vided humans with plenty ov hair wich iz the best and only 
helthy kuvering for the hed, but the chumps havn't enuf 
sens to wear it az Nachur intended tha shud. No uther 



MENTAL DINAMITE 99 

krechur wears an artirishal kuvering for its hed, and neither 
shud humans ; but here iz anuther pece ov kusednes for wich 
the kapitalists ar to blame, for tha want the profits that kum 
to them from the sale ov hats and al uther uceles artikels ov 
"fashun." And in order to keep the chumps buying hats 
al the time theze wily kapitalists "chanje the fashuns" sev- 
eral times a year and tel the donkys that tha ar "nobody" 
unles tha ar in "style." Yes, meny and meny a poor foolish 
gurl haz sold hur vurchu in order to get the price ov a hat 
that woz the "latest style," and the wearing ov wich she im- 
ajind wud make hur "sumbody" Soshalizm wud remedy 
this foolishnes by enabling wimen to buy al the hats, klothes, 
etc. tha needed with the proceeds ov thair onest toil, and by 
edukating al such foolish and absurd miths az "style" and 
"fashun" out ov thair minds. And wen wimen wil not hav 
to wury about "fashuns" and the means with wich to dres 
themselvs properly, wot a load wil be lifted from thair souls, 
and how peacfuly hapy tha wil be! 

477. If it be tru that thoze hoo "beleev on Krist shal 
never se Deth, but shal hav Eturnal life/' then it iz squoly 
tru that no wun ever beleevd on Hiz Nibs, for no wun haz 
ever yet got next to eny such brand ov life az "eturnal life ;''' 
wy, not even Krist himself had eny such brand ov life, for 
the same authority (the Kristchun Bibel) tels us that the 
Jews put Hiz Nibs to deth. Every life that haz ever kum 
into existenc in this wurld haz found plenty ov deth at the 
omega ov it ; but then it iz purfektly nachural for the Krist- 
chuns to li about everything; in fakt, tha kud not tel the 
truth if tha had to. No enlitend purson expekts them to. 
Purhaps thair definishun ov "eturnal" iz about 100 years? 

478. St. Jon 5-31 Krist sezs: "If I bear witnes ov my- 
self, my witnes iz not tru." Wot a liar the Judean karpen- 
ter must hav bin, not to be abel to tel the truth about him- 
self ! A truthful purson kan tel the truth about himself just 
az ezily az about uthers. And wy shudn't a "Supreme Be- 
ing" dezire to tel the truth about himself? I kan ezily un- 
derstand wy a Kristchun wud be decidedly reluktant about 
teling the truth koncerning himself, but wy an "Alwize- 
God" shud shy at the truth iz a litel tu much for my hethen 
mind. Just imajin the absurdity ov a self-konfesd liar being 
the "Saveyur" ov mankind ! Down with such pueril non- 
sens ! 

479. It seems imposibel for wimen to outgro the savaje, 
primordial instinkt ov wearing fethers and uther anima/ 
dekorashuns. Wimen ar the strongest proof ov evolushun. 



KX) MENTAL DINAMITE 

480. Men may hav bin evolvd from the munkys, but it iz 
more likely that wimen ar decended from the bears, for tha 
,ar koled "tale-bearers" even unto the prezent da. 

481. Deth iz the last stashun on the Sunset Route ov 

Life, 
The great "Good-Bye" place wher we leve al our 

strife — 
And never kol for our bagaje. 

482. If humans had everything tha wanted, then tha'd 
begin to yurn for the things tha didn't want. 

483. Soshalizm wil put luv in every hart, muzik in every 
home, flowers in every yard and peac in every mind. 

484. Wen a man realy and truly luvs a wuman he wants 
to be in hur society thurty eleven* hours a da, and then sum ; 
and wen a wuman luvs a man with that al-soul and vast- 
forever-luv she only wants to kamp on hiz trail 37 hours a 
da and 19 daes a week, and dezires to immediately nilate eny 
>uther wuman hoo dares to even think in hiz direkshun. Luv 
iz an appetite that never gets enuf to ete — a hart-thrust that 
lean never be quenchd. 

485. Great welth iz fatal to helth, onesty, justis and kur- 
tesy ; but if pepel only had wot thair labor produces tha wud 
never be burdend with great welth. The only way that 
;great welth kan be akkumulated by individuals iz by robing 
meny uthers ov a porshun ov the welth thair labor produces, 
and this silent proces ov stealing from uthers iz akkomplishd 
Dy means ov interest ,rents, profits and taxes ; in plainer 
langwidj, rents, interest, profits and taxes ar the 4 slingshots 
and sixshooters with wich the kapitalists hold up and rob 
the laborers ov about 85 per cent ov al that thair labor pro- 
duces, and bekoz theze wily raskals hav legalizd thair meth- 
ods ov robery and koled sed methods "biznes," the fool wurk- 
ing mules beleev it iz alrijht and kontinu to uphold such a 
diabolikal sistem ov exploitashun with thair votes ; and theze 

■donkys ar so ignorant and prejudicd tha ar wiling and 
redy at a minets notis to take up arms agenst eny wun hoo 
iz intelijent and kurajus enuf to questchun the rijhtusnes ov 
• a sistem that takes away from the producer 85 per cent ov 
wot hiz labor produces, and then sneers at him and holds 
him in kontempt for being a wurking mule. 

486. The hens ov this kuntry ar far more uceful and val- 
uabel than al the preachers, lawyers, doktors, politishans and 

Capitalists put together, for the hens porduc egs wile the 
uthers only produc mizery and ete the egs. In 1898 thare 



MENTAL DINAMITE 102 

wur 375,000,000 chikens in the United States, and tha pro- 
duce! 15,000,000,000 egs wich sold for $160,000,000. Bully 
for the hens ! May thair shadoes never gro les — even if tha 
du skratch up a fu flowerbeds okkashunaly and ar inferior 
to the nitengales in vokal muzik. And then wen the hens 
pas thru the "chanje-ov-life" and get tu old to lay eny more 
egs, the hotels and boarding houses kan surv thair karkases 
up az "spring-chiken." 

487. The sweetest-voicd burd in the wurld' that kud not 
gather enuf wurms for itself, wud be konsiderd, by its na- 
bors, az a very poor specimen ov burdanity. 

488. Deth iz the only remedy Nachur kan devize to pre- 
vent hur krechurs from over-populating the erth. It seems 
to my hethenish and unorthodox mind that Nachur kud hav 
akkomplishd the same rezult in a milder and beter way by 
simply riging up hur krechurs with more intellekt and les 
guts and reproduktiv abilities. 

489. The hier the dude's kollar the loer hiz brains. 

490. If the Kristchun's God hazn't arranjd things eny 
beter in the "Next Wurld" than he haz in this wurld, Hel 
wudn't be such a hel ov a bad place after al ! The prezent 
kapitalistik sistem ov slavery haz made this wurld 13 hun- 
dred pur cent hel and a life wide. 

It iz a hel of a diabolikal sheol 
That makes us al squrm and squeel, 
And from wich thare iz no appeal 
Except thru Soshalizm to the komon weal. 

491. Soshalizm iz the ekonomik and politikal name for 
heven-on-erth. 

492. If thare be such a place az "Heven," izn't it rather 
singular that no postoffis in the wurld kan deliver a letter 
addresd thare? 

493. If Krist iz a "Supreme Being" and kan du enything 
he wants to du, wy didn't Hiz Nibs fly into Jeursalem in- 
sted ov having hiz frends steal a mizerabel litel jakas for 
him to ride into the city on? Flying into the city in broad 
dalite and in the prezenc ov the pepel wud hav pushd them 
al of the Kristmas plant and konvincd the most skeptikal 
that he woz realy the Supreme and Only ITTTTTTT! 

494. If Kristchianity iz such a good thing to "di by," 
wy did Krist himself get skared at the last minet and sho the 
wite fether wile Old Wiskers woz attaching the Morning- 
Glory-Vine to hiz tooties? Hiz Nibs kried out like a good 



102 MENTAL DINAMITE 

fello and begd the mob to spare him, and yet he nu that he 
woz only "going bak to hiz f other in Heven." Funy thing 
to get fritend at, eh?" 

495- "God made Adam and sister Eve," 

And she made God and Adam greev; 
And from that very da to this, 
She'z filed man with greef or blis. 

496. "Man born ov woman iz of fu daes and ful ov tru- 
bel." The abuv biblikal quotashun wud lede wun to infer that 
if man wur not born ov wuman he wud be ov meny daes and 
empty bv trubel. It iz tu bad that the wize gi hooz pregnant 
brain gave burth to such a wunderful and valuabel pece ov 
informashun az the abuv, forgot to furnish us with a pik- 
chur ov a man not born ov wuman, for such a foto wud sur- 
tenly be a very interesting study in ethnology. The truth ov 
the matter iz the riter ov the abuv slur on wimen woz a 
relijus bigot and al-around ignoramus and beleevd that al 
the trubel in the wurld woz du to wimen, etc. It woz a 
prevalent and popular error that woz quite univursal at that 
period. . 

497. The more relijun and law thare iz in eny kommun- 
ity, the more krime and mizery thare iz in that place, and 
vice versa. The Uther Animals don't hav law nor relijun, 
and tha ar so civilized tha don't need nor hav a polece fore 
nor jails. 

498. Relijun iz the revolver with wich the klerjy rob 
pepel, and Law iz the sixshooter the legal j entry uze for the 
same purpus. 

499. The "hethen" Chineze deform thair feet with a tite 
shu, wile the "civilizd" Kristchuns deform thair bodies with 
a korset. Az the body iz far more vital and important than 
the feet, the "hethens" hav the best ov it by a fu. Krist- 
chuns shud pry the sawlogs and mountens out ov thair own 
ies before tha undertake to pik a fu chips and ant hils out ov 
thair nabors optiks. Konsistency, thou art a rare and ra- 
diant old peach with a strawberry-soul and a rain-bo-hide, 
but most pepel hav long ago kast thee aside. 

500. Kristchun "civilizashuns" stink with such a loud 
and enormus stink that the stench tharefrom hath konverted 
the Milky Way into a seething and putrescent sea ov gan- 
grene klabber ! 

501. By the time we get al we want we are jeneraly so 
old and feebel and mizerabel that we ar unabel to enjoy eny- 
thing but deth — for wich we reluktantly yurn. How foolish 



MENTAL DINAMITE 103 

the mad strugel for welth seems to us then ! It seems to be 
the "fate" ov humans to akquire wot litel wizdum tha ever 
get, at the rong end ov life. It iz like giving a burd wings 
an hour before it dies. 

It iz beter to enjoy life az we jog along, 
And laf sum every da and sing a litel song, 
And put Luv's wings upon the hart and let it fly, 
Insted ov chacing dblars until we di. 

502. I am not the greatest nor best thing that ever hap- 
end by a -damsite; in fakt, if my folts wur assets I kud pay 
my kreditors 1,300 per cent on the dolar, and stil hav enuf 
left to buy my wife a fu Easter bonnets, a dimund ring and 
an auto-no-feel. 

503. A wuman wastes 3~4ths ov hur life during foolish 
and uceles things, and then friters away the uther fourth 
regreting it. 

504. If wimen spent i-4th the time developing and im- 
pruving thair minds that tha waste in dekorating and tog- 
ing out thair bodies and faces in order to attrakt the men 
and make each uther jelus, tha wud be so attraktiv and de- 
zirabel the men wud want them if tha didn't hav enything 
on but thair iebrows and a kupel ov pale frekels. 

505. FRE-NOL-O-JY or MIND-OL-O-JY iz the sienc 
ov Human-Nachur, and sienc iz wot we noe about eny- 
thing; tharefore, Frenolojy iz wot we noe about Human- 
Nachur or the Mind ; or, more, partikularly, the art ov diag- 
nosing Human Nachur, its varius fazes and degrees, thru 
the hed and face. To sa that thare iz nuthing in Frenolojy 
iz to deny that thare iz such a thing az Human Nachur or 
the Mind, or to klaim that we hav no nolledj on theze sub- 
jekts — either ov wich iz tu absurd to require refutashun, 
and only thoze hoo ar totaly ignorant ov wot Frenolojy iz 
wud take such an untenabel pozishun. A kompetent fren- 
olojist kan diagnose Human Nachur, or in uther wurds, kan 
delineate karakter, talents, inklinashuns, dispozishuns, etc., 
from the hed and face, just az redily and akkurately az an 
expert muzishan kan read a paje ov muzik. Frenolojizing 
a purson iz simply invoicing hiz mind and teling him wot 
kind ov a mental-stok he iz karrying — the quontity and 
quolity ov intellekchual goods he haz on hand and how to 
inkrece and impruve thoze goods and get the most for them ; 
in short, how to develop and utilize al ov wun's nachural 
powers or talents to the best advantaje, and thus acheev the 
greatest sukces in life, and thru that sukces attain the hiest 
and greatest hapines. 



104 MENTAL DINAMITE 

506. Nolledj iz power — the power to get wot yu want in 
the eziest and best way. 

507. A WUMAN iz a stranje and necessary medly ov 
inkomiprehensibel and essenshal TRUBEL— a sort ov sweet 
and bitter forever UN-A-VOID-A-BEL-NES. 

508. Man seldum realizes that he iz a fool until it iz tu 
late to profit by it; and the same with the chump hoo haz 
neglekted to lurn the art ov swiming — he never realizes it 
until he fols in deep woter and iz drowning — iz loozing hiz 
life from a lak ov nolledj ; and the same with thoze fools hoo 
refuze to lurn the sienc ov helth — tha waste about haf thair 
mizerabel lives sufering from preventabel wekeneses and 
disezes, and then di before tha bav livd haf thair nachural 
span ov life; but a fool iz a fool and tha jenerly liv and di 
fools, for it iz seldum that tha kan be made to realize that 
tha ar fools ; in fakt, if tha had enuf intelijenc to realize that 
tha ar fools, tha wudn't be fools — and thare yu ar. 

509. A "Financir" is a very smooth and sukcesful swin- 
dler hoo iz also very pius and respektabel, and hoo swindels 
pepel so kleverly tha never noe tha hav bin tuchd. He iz 
the pius and baldheded kus hoo makes the chumps ov every 
kommunity beleev that tha need "Eastern Kapital" to de- 
velop thair kuntry and its nachural resources, and in a fu 
years he owns the new kuntry, al its resources, publik-utili- 
ties and the pepel tu, thru the ownership oV thair industries 
and land, and al he did woz to tel a fu skilful and plezant 
folchoods to the numskuls, and with the aid ov the lokal 
klerjy and the "home newspapers" he indued the pepel to 
borro thair own kredit and giv him a morgaje on thair prop- 
erty az "sekurity" for the uce ov thair own kredit, and to 
pay him a big interest besides for the priviledj ov uzing thair 
own kredit. This slik and diabolikal trans*akshun iz koied 
"financiring" by thoze hoo run the game, and al that iz nec- 
essary to operate it ar a fu slik, pius and unskrupulus duks 
to steer the game and a whole lot ov dam fools to go up 
agenst it. For sukcesfuly skining the whole kommunity it 
haz but wun equol, and that iz the old shel-game koled "Re- 
lijun," wich iz anuther "financiring" swindel in regard to 
the "next wurld." Wenever a "financir" kums into your 
town put him to wurk at wunc, and also al the so-koled 
"prominent" pepel hoo endors him and hiz infamus skemes 
to despoil the pepel. Tha ar looters, exploiters and shure- 
thing fakirs the last onery wun ov them. This pius shark 
haz twu uther aliases — "Investor" and "Kapitalist." Theze 
so-koled "good investments" simply konsist in sekuring kon- 



MENTAL DINAMITE 105 

trol (by varius kinds ov frauds, lying, skuldugery, etc.) ov 
land and nachural resources, the means ov produkshun, dis- 
tribushun, exchanje, etc., and then forcing the pepel to pay 
tribute to theze pirates and parasites for the uce ov thair 
own rijhtful and nachural heritajes, in the form ov "in- 
terest," "rents," "profits," "dividends," etc. Theze so-koled 
"investors" never bring eny tools, property or welth along 
with them, nor du tha ever purform eny onest, uceful or 
produktiv labor that produces welth ; in fakt, thair whole 
stok in trade iz unlimited gol, boundles piety and fraudulent 
deeds or cheks (mis-koled muny) to thair nabors' property. 
With theze fraudulent cheks the sekure a "titel" (al titels to 
land and nachural resources ar fraudulent and void) to land, 
nachural resources, publik utilities and industries, houses 
and bildings, the tools and masheenery ov producing and 
distributing welth, and ever afterwards, by and thru theze 
ailed jd "titels," tha kompel the poor deluded donkys (mis- 
named pepel) to pay them enormus tribute for the privilej 
ov living on the erth ( wich Nachur furnishes fre ov charg to 
us al) and for the privilej ov living in the houses and bildings 
wich tha, themselvs, bilt with thair own labor and Nachur's 
fre materials. Before the "Investors" kame into the kom- 
munity, the pepel had the uce ov the land, houses, nachural 
resources, etc. fre ov charj ; but after theze pius "financirs" 
hav made sum "good investments," the dear, stupid pepel 
hav to pay them for the privilej ov uzing thair own prop- 
erty. Indeed, thoze ar "good investments" with a big G— 
that iz, "good" for the "investors," but dam ungood for the 
dear pepel. The pepel and thair kommunity ar always in- 
jurd by theze "good investments" just to the amount ov 
"interest," "rents," and "profits" tha pay to theze raskaly 
pirates for the uce ov thair own property ; and yet theze 
poor deluded numskuls beleev that the advent ov "finanvirs" 
and "kapitalists" into thair kommunity iz auspishus and 
augurs prosperity ; yes, it duz indikate prosperity, but not 
for the dear pepel hooz labor entitels them to prosperity. 
And the rezun the pepel endors and vote for theze swin- 
dels and swindlers, iz bekoz tha, themselvs, ar thuroly dis- 
onest and ignorant and ar anxshus and ambishus to be "in- 
vestors" and uceles parasites. Tha ar only geting wot tha 
beleev in and vote for. Sok it to them, Mr. Investor, until 
tha havn't got a sok left, and skin them, Mr. Kapitalist, 
until the donkys havn't got enuf hide left to swet thru. 
Skining iz plenty good enuf for such katel, and kold-storaje 
hay and pikeld sandburs ar an abundant diet for eny ani- 
mal that kan swipe the flies of its hind legs with its ears. 



106 MENTAL DINAMITE 

510. A man never gets tu old nor tu wize to make a fool 
ov himself often okkazhunaly or several times in a half a 
wile 

511. Deth iz the most sukcesful thing in the wurld: it 
may be a litel tardy at times and okkazhunaly slip up on a 
banana peel, but never fails to land its viktum; in fakt, it 
chaces everything up the Morning-Glory-Vine but itself. 
Az a chacer and a finality it needs no impruvements. 

512. Bedbugs kannot be konsiderd lazy bekoz tha lay in 
bed al da; neither kan a piano be konsiderd uprijht bekoz it 
iz square; neither kan an elektrik lite be konsiderd intelijent 
bekoz it iz very brite ; and neither haz a river eny brains, 
altho it may hav several heds and manajes its own affairs 
very sukcesfuly; and a kabaje iz always a hed in spite ov 
the fakt that it makes no progres at al ; and the SUN iz not 
a bootblak and yet he duz more shining than al ov them 
put together. And it iz so absurd to kol a pece ov glas with 
a blak bak a "looking-glas',' wen it haz no ies and never 
looks. And a "mwte-basket" iz the most ekonomikal thing 
in the wurld, for it gathers up and saves every old skrap ov 
paper or rag it kan find. The Inglish langwidj iz a umorus 
kus at best and needs konsiderabel impruvement; and the 
same with al uther things Inglish. 

513. A wuman kan refrain from diivuljing a sekret az 
ezily az a man kan — before she noes it. 

514. If thare iz to be a "reznrrekshim" ov the ded and 
a "final judjment" at wich "rewards" and "punishments" 
wil be meted out to each wun akkording to hiz merits or de- 
merits wen wil this preat "trial" take place? It iz a mani- 
fest injustis to keep pepel waiting milyuns ov years for thair 
trial. Pepel hav bin dying on this erth for milyuns ov years 
at the rate ov 60 a minet, or 86,400 a da. It wud hav to be 
a prity spry kourt that kud try and dispoze ov 86,400 kaces 
pur diem. I am afraid tha wud also hav to run of a fu ov 
them purnitem. The lawyers on both sides wud shurely hav 
to make thair arguments very breef, and che jury kudn't sta 
out very long on a kace. Just imajin the monstrus absurdity 
ov trying ded pepel! Wot wud be the ded man's pie wen 
askd if "gilty" or "not gilty?" And wot posibel diferenc 
wud it make to a ded man wether he woz "akquited" or 
"konvikted?" The sherif wud hav the eziest job ov al in 
bringing ded prizoners into kourt, for tha wud never rezist 
arrest nor try to eskape from kustody. It iz surtenly a 
great injustis to keep the "good fokes" waiting milyuns ov 
years for thair rewards. And thare iz not a partikal ov evi- 



MENTAL DINAMITE 107 

dene that tha wil get a chanc to go up agenst the "judjment" 
for milyuns ov years yet to kum. Just think ov the diaboli- 
kal injustis ov keeping such pure and sinks saints az Mark 
Hanna, Grover Kleveland, Jon Dam Robefeler, Tedy Rooz- 
velt, et al from the celestchal pi-kounter for milyuns ov 
years! Perish the thot! Besides, wot iz the "Great- Judj" 
waiting for? If he iz so chuk ful ov omnishenc (noe-it-al-i- 
tiv-nes) az hiz konstituents ailed j he iz, he noes wen a pur- 
son dies just wot dispozishun shud be made ov that partiku- 
lat kace, and he kud just az ezily attend to it then, az mil- 
yuns ov years later. The doket iz now so ful ov bak kaces 
that Hiz Onor wil never katch up. Thoze old charter mem- 
ber kaces shud either be let out on bail or else parold, until 
thair kaces kum to trial. It iz very diskurajing to us "'good 
fokes" to wurk a life-time to ern an eturnal reward and 
then be kompeld to wait milyuns ov years for it ; but the ar- 
ranjement iz just a pudin' for the bad egs, like the preachers, 
bankers, inshuranc ajents, railroad manajers, doktors, law- 
yers, hotel men, kapitalist editors, etc. \Yen a man beleevs 
that he wil not be punishd for hiz rong-duing until after he 
haz bin ded for milyuns ov years, he wil not hezitate to kom- 
mit krimes galore. Kremashun wud soon abolish the rezur- 
rekshun humbug, and that iz just wy the klerjy ar so bit- 
terly oppozd to it. 

515. The most indijestibel, injurius, poizonus and purni- 
shus Mental and Moral diet for every wun, iz relijun, and 
the Kristchun relijun iz the wurst and most infamus and 
atroshus ov al. It iz folc and vishus from begining to end, 
and iz the wurst posibel thing that kud be taut to envwun. 
Az a means ov keeping the pepel ignorant and robing them 
ov thair muny and intellekts it kud not posibly be exceld. 
Az evidenc ov wot it haz dun for humanity, just take a look 
at Spain, Portugal, Italy, Russia, Turky , Austria, Ireland, 
Mexiko, Ingland, China, New Jersy and the United States 
ov Graft, and al uther places wher it haz ful swa ; in short, 
it iz everything it shud not be; also, se Deut. 13-6 to 10; 
14-21 ; Jere. 26-27 an d 2 & : I 3 _I 3' J en - I 9 - 3° to 38; Num. 
31; Luk 14-26; 18-29 and 30; 19-27; Mat. 10-35; Mark 
10-18; Luke 20-34 and 35; 22-36; St. Jon. 7-36; 1st Kor. 
7-36; 2nd Sam. 6-22; Deut. 20-10 to 17; Levit. 26-28 and 
29 ; James 5-17 ; Luke 9-27 ; 1st Kor. 14-34 and 35 ; Sol. 5-4 ; 
Ekkle. 3-19 and 20; Kristchuns hav murderd more than 
50,000,000 ov thair fello humans on akkount ov a diferenc 
ov opinynn about relijun. Relijun wil make a bad citizen 
out ov eny wun. and a tre that haz always borne such bad 



108 MENTAL DINAMITE 

and bitter fruit az al relijus trees hav ever borne shud be 
rooted out ov the human mind and supplanted by a tre that 
wil only bear good fruit; and such a tre iz Soshalizm. Al 
relijuns wur konkokted and ar maintaind by the kapi- 
talists for the purpus ov exploiting the wurkers and mak- 
ing them satisfied with thair hard lot in this wurld by prom- 
ising them al tha want in the "next" wurld, insted ov giving: 
them wot tha ar entiteld to in this wurld. This fakt kannot 
be repeated and emfasizd tu often, for it iz the root ov al 
superstishuns and al krimes. 

516. The Kristchun Endevorers ar a lot ov ignorant and 
medelsum numskuls hoo ar making damfools ov themselvs 
and havn't enuf sens to find thair own navels without as- 
sistanc; in fakt, thare iz not wun ov the krazy jaes that kud 
find either end ov himself in the dark. Tha ar a pestiferus 
lot ov cheap, rubbernek skates that kan ezily step on thair 
own ears. Theze pius pimpels and relijus sapheds ar trying 
to elekt and inaugurate a ded Sheeny "Supreme Ruler" ov 
the univurs. The name ov this dececd Jew iz "Jesus Krist."" 
Wot a stranje name for a Jew ! It iz an Indian name and 
givs the whole snap away. Yet theze damfools ar trying to 
hav the Konstitushun ov the United States so olterd az to 
rekognize this ded hobo az the "Supreme Ruler" ov this 
nashun. I thot King Wilyum — Markus-Theodore-McHan- 
nafelt woz the Supreme ITT ov this nashun, Kuba, Porto 
Reko, New Jersy and the Filipenes. After tha akkomplish 
this diabolikal and trezunabel pece ov infamy tha propoze 
to enakt the insane drivel ov this same dececd, drunken and 
glutunus sheeny into the supreme law ov the land and fore 
al ov us to be guvernd by it ; or rather, by thair interpreta- 
shun ov it; and no twu ov the krazy jaspers kan interpret it 
alike. Wot a hel ov a time we wil hav if theze trators and 
insane kriminals ever sukceed in thair nefarius dezines on 
this guvernment ! Ofkours, the klerjy ar the instigators and 
manajers ov this infamus and tratorus skeme to overthro 
this guvernment ov the pepel, and institute in its sted a 
theokracy ov the preachers, by the priests and for the klerjy. 
Down w T ith theze krazy trators and thair insane skemesf 
After tha got thair "Holy Bibel" enakted into law, then the 
next questchun that wud arize wud be: Hooz interpreta- 
shun ov the Bibel shud be the law? Ofkours, the most 
powerful sekt wud hav the whole sa here, and that sekt iz 
the Katholik. How theze poor Protestant bigots and im- 
becils wud squrm and rithe wen tha wur forcd to attend the 
Roman church and wur not purmited' to attend eny uther,. 



MENTAL DINAMITE 109 

and wur kompeld to be guvernd by Katholik laws ! How I 
wud like to se the raskaly trators get a dose ov thair own 
nausheus medicin tha ar so industriusly preparing for uth- 
«rs. "Thou shalt not sufer a witch to liv," iz a law ov thair 
Bibel ; "Kiling wives for wanting a diferent relijun from 
thair huzband's," iz a law ov the Bibel ; seling roten meat iz 
anuther law ov that "holy" book ; kiling pepel for piking up 
stiks on the "Sabbath," iz also a law ov that inf amus book ; 
"Thou shalt not kil/' iz anuther law ov thair Bibel, and how 
tha wud enforc this last wun and the furst wun abuv quoted, 
iz a mystery ov "godlines" that only the wizdum ov the 
""Kristchun Endevorers" kan kope with. Wot a hel ov a 
time we wud hav trying to enforc such infamus laws ! Here 
iz a law given in that "Holy Book" that mijht be enforcd 
without much trubel : "Thus saith the Lord ov hosts, the 
Cod ov Israel : "Drink ye and be drunken, and spu, and 
fol and rize no more!' " (Jere. 25-27.) 

517. The "Tarif" iz an injeneyus and inikwitus skeme 
ov the kapitalists to skin the pepel and make the wurkers 
pay nearly al the taxes. The kapitalists folcly klaim that it 
iz to "protekt" the laboring men, and the latter ar just geec 
<enuf to beleev them and vote for the inikwitus mazhur. 
Wot iz good for the idelers iz never good for the wurkers, 
for thair interests ar always antagonistik, and yet the wur- 
kers hav always mozied up to the pols and voted az thair 
enemies wanted them to. The tarif on imported goods only 
protekts the manufakchurers and selers ov thoze goods from 
foren kompetishun, and thareby enabels them to sel thoze 
goods for a hier price or for more than tha ar wurth ; kon- 
sequently, al konsumers ov thoze goods ar exploited, and the 
very laborers hoo made them ar thus forcd to pay 5 times 
more for the same goods than wot tha wur paid for making 
them. Az the laborer iz only pade about 20c for producing 
iooc wurth ov welth, he kan only buy bak i~5th ov wot he 
produces ; and az he buys at retail prices, insted ov faktory 
prices, he kannot buy bak more than 15 per cent ov wot he 
produces ; tharefore, the more he pays for the goods he buys 
the loer hiz wajes, and vice versa. The wily kapitalist tels 
"him (thru hiz pals, the politishans, klerjy and pres) that the 
tarif enabels the employer to pay more wajes to the laborer 
for producing the goods, wich iz, in a sens, tru ; but the 
kapitalist don't hav to pay hier wajes just bekoz he kud du 
so on akkount ov the tarif enabling him to get hier prices 
for the goods he sels. Being abet to pay hier wajes and 
duing so ar twu very diferent things. No matter how much 
the kapitalist kan afford to pay in wajes to the laborer, he iz 



110 MENTAL DINAMITE 

not going to pay enymore than he iz aktuchualy kompeld to^ 
and the least amount on wich the laborer kan liv, wurk and 
reproduc more slaves, iz the amount ov wajes the kapitalist 
wil pay — tarif or no tarif. And 1 by jo-lying and speeding 
the wurking donkys up in the reproduktiv department, the 
.kapitalists manaje to hav on hand about twu laborers for 
every job, and az only wun ov the chumps kan hav the job, 
he must take it at a loer waje than the uther wun iz wiling 
to du, wich iz for barely enuf to subsist on and keep in wurk- 
ing and breeding order. Lower than the subsistenc level 
the wurkers kannot go. If the kapitalists kud afford to 
pay every laborer $100 a da, on akkount ov the tarif or for 
eny uther rezun ov prosperity, tha wudl not pay enymore 
than the loest posibel waje, wich iz the amount necessary 
to liv on. The kapitalists ar in biznes for the sole purpus ov 
making profits, and the least wajes tha pay and the more tha 
get for thair wares, the more profits tha make and the 
greater thair "prosperity." The uther part ov the tarif 
skeme iz to raiz "taxes" for karrying on the "Guvernment." 
The "Guvernment" iz the kapitalists, themselvs, and thair 
armd thugs and retainers to keep and shoot the wurkers into* 
submishun and subjekshun whenever the latter kik over the 
kapitalist traces and want "more wajes," "shorter hours,"' 
"beter kondishuns," etc. To grant theze rezunabel and just 
demands ov the laborers wud lesen the profits ov the kapital- 
ists, and thareby, injure thair biznes. Thare ar 3 ways ov 
kollekting taxes ^n this land ov the fre and brave; 1st, A 
poltax ; that iz, each individual pays so much a year ; 2nd, A 
tax on wuns poseshuns, koled a "property tax ;" 3rd, An 
Internal Revenu tax;" that iz, each purson pays so much 
tax on wot he konsumes ; tharefore, the more he etes, wears, 
etc., the more he pays. Most ov the taxes ar raizd by the 
last menshund method, and throes most ov the burden on 
the wurkers, for a poor laborer hoo only recevs $1 pur da, 
wud konsume az much food, etc. az wud Jon Dam Robefeler, 
and wud, tharefore, pay az much taxes az wud the milyun- 
aire. If Rokefeler paid taxes on wot he owns, insted ov on 
wot he konsumes, hiz taxes wud be $16,000,000 a year, for 
he iz wurth $800,000,000 at the prezent time — Sept. 25, 
1 901. Kan't yu se wy Oily Jon iz in favor ov the "tarif" 
for the "protekshuri' ov the laboring man? The tarif also 
interferes with pursonal and! nachural rijhts, for the rijht 
to own wot wun produces or onestly akquires, karries with 
it the rijht to karry with him hiz posseshuns wherever he 
choozes to go, and no wun shud be kompeld to pay tribute 
to anuther for the priviledj ov karrying hiz goods akros an 



MENTAL DINAMITE 1H 

imajinary line or from wun part ov the erth to anuther part 
thareov. Nachur never made eny "tarif" laws, and only 
robers want them. The "tarif" iz only anuther kapitalist 
skeme ov skining the wurkers and providing a lot ov lazy 
kriminals a nice, soft means ov living without onest wurk. 
The pepel kud save hundreds ov milyuns every year by du- 
ing away with al tax-kollektors, assessors, kustoms-of- 
fishals, etc. ; but theze and al uther drones and parasites ar 
incidental to the kapitalist sistem and wil endure and af- 
flikt us with thair evil ways and purnishus influenc until 
that kriminal sistem iz superseded by the Ko-Operativ- 
Komonwelth. The "tarif" duz not protekt the laborers at 
al, for it duz not shut out foren laborers with hoom our 
laborers must kompete for the jobs the kapitalists own but 
don't uze, and the more laborers thare ar in proporshun to 
the jobs, the ezier kan the owners ov theze jobs fore wajes 
down to the loest level — the subsistenc plane. And that iz 
exaktly wy the kapitalists hav ever enkurajd and promoted 
foren immigrashun. If thare wur no more laborers than 
thare ar jobs the kapitalists kud find no "strike-breakers" or 
skabs to take the place ov thair wurkers in kace the latter 
shud go on a strike. But az the Kapitalists ar in komplete 
kontrol ov al the law-making-masheenery ov the guvern- 
ment, it iz only nachural that tha shud make al laws in thair 
own interests only, and az the fool laboring men hav given 
the kapitalists this tremendus and danjurus power by voting 
the kapitalists tikets. tha, the laborers, realy hav no kik 
kuming and ar not entiteld to eny sympathy — the stupid jaks 
ar only entiteld to kontempt, and ar geting just wot tha 
voted for. Eny old thing in the way ov oppreshun and il- 
tretement iz plenty ^ood enuf for eny animal that kan un- 
kobweb the Milky Way with its ears. 

518. If your wife iz not tru to yu, be true to yourself by 
geting rid ov the huzv and geting anuther wun to take hur 
place that is wurthy ov your luv and konfidenc. Never try 
to get even with hur by being az bad az she iz, for geting 
even with hur in that way wud only be geting ahed ov your- 
self and giving hur an opportunity to laf at yu. 

519. If the Guvernment made and sold al goods at 
kost, (az it shud) thare wud not be any cheap and uceles 
artikels made, for al things wud then be made to wear and 
giv the best posibel uce and kumfort ; whereaz, under the 
prezent damnabel kompetitiv-sistem ov producing things for 
profit, nearly everything iz made out ov the poorest ma- 
terials, and iz made cheap and shody so az to wear out or go 



112 . MENTAL DINAMITE 

to peces soon az posibel. The sooner an artikel wears out 
or givs away the sooner sum litel twu by gol kapitalist or 
midelman wil get to sel yu anuther wun at a profit. Every- 
thing from soothing-surup and kids to kofins and funeral- 
surmons ar made for profit. Al goods ar adulterated and 
misrepresented for profit, and yet the fool wurkers hoo ar 
the viktims ov al this wholesale poizoning thru adulterated 
foods and drinks, etc. keep rijht on voting for it by voting 
the kapitalist tikets — the Republikan, Demokrat, Populist, 
Prohibishun and al so-koled "Independent" tikets ; in fakt, 
eny tiket but the Soshalist iz a kapitalist tiket, no matter 
how it iz disgizd nor how meny profeshuns ov frendship it 
makes for the laboring pepel. Thare iz only wun party that 
iz a frend ov the laboring klas, and that party iz the So- 
shalist party and never sails under folc kulors. It iz the only 
party that wants the laborer to hav al that hiz labor pro- 
duces. The foxes also profes the greatest frendship (ap- 
petite) for chikens, and wil even let the chikens okupy thair 
(the foxes' stumiks) fre ov rent; and the spiders also ar 
great frends ov the flies. It iz a very sily chiken or fly that 
wil be foold by the foxes and spiders — and equoly foolish 
and stupid ar the laboring pepel hoo purmit themselvs to 
be humbugd by the kapitalists. 

520. Thoze hoo "own" and "kontrol" the erth and its 
nachural resources, its industries, muny, etc., ar the abso- 
lute masters and al the uthers (or non-owners) ar thair 
dependents or slaves, for we kannot liv without the uce ov 
the things tha "own" and "kontrol." We ar al attachd to 
the erth thru our necesities, and the wun hoo "owns" the 
erth iz our master. The "ownership" ov the erth and its re- 
soruces and industries karries with it the power to take life 
or spare it az the "owners" thareov se fit, for if tha refuze 
the pepel the uce ov theze essenshals ov life, the sed pepel 
wil perish ov starvashun. And if the "owners" konsent to 
allow the rest ov us to uze the erth and its resources, tha 
only du so on the very unjust kondishun that we giv them 
al that our labor produces except barely enuf to keep us in 
wurking and breeding order. Kan yu konceve ov a more 
degrading and oppresiv throldum? It iz far wurs than the 
old "chatel" slavery, for under that brand ov serfdum the 
masters had to feed, klothe, hous and kare for thair slaves 
the same az tha did thair horses, for if wun got kild thru 
neglekt or utherwize the masters had to go in the market 
and buy anuther to take hiz place the same az tha wud re- 
place a mule that got kild ; but under the prezent form ov 



MENTAL DINAMITE 113 

waje-slavery the masters ar releevd from al such expens and 
responsibility. Wen a slave iz kild or dies under the prezent 
waje-slavery plenty ov uthers volunteer to take hiz place 
and without being purchasd az in the old chattel times ; in 
fakt, thare ar so meny more slaves now than the masters 
hav places for them, the slaves kontinualy and ardusly seek 
the masters and beg sed masters to allow them to bekum 
slaves and on the masters' turms at that. The masters don't 
need eny fugitiv slave laws now to prevent thair slaves elop- 
ing with themselvs to Kanada. Waje-slavery iz so far 
ahed ov chattel-slavery (from the kapitalist standpoint) it 
iz surprizing that it took 4 years ov hard shooting to in- 
okulate the Suthern kapitalists with the buty ov the idea. 
300 years ov chattel slavery never producd wun milyunaire 
in al the Suthern states, but 40 years ov waje-slavery in the 
same states haz producd hundreds ov them. And how sim- 
pel and effektiv iz waje-slavery wen wunc understood — al 
the kapitalist haz to du iz to "own" the land and masheenery 
and everything else the slaves must hav in order to liv, and 
then joly them into breeding so rapidly that thare wil al- 
ways be on hand a greater number ov slaves than the mas- 
ters need, and the trik iz dun, and the masters ar releevd 
from al kare and responsibility ov the slaves and buying 
them wen needed and providing means to prevent thair es- 
kape. Waje-slavep' takes in the wites az wel az the blaks — 
the females and children az wel az the males and adults ; in 
fakt, al kulors, ajes and sexes look alike to waje-slavery, and 
profits squeezd out a wite purson's hide or that iz skraped 
of a child's tiny lingers ar just az akceptibel to the soulles 
kapitalist az the profit that iz fried out ov the Negro's dark 
and unfragrant epidermis. The Suthern kapitalists wur 
surtenly very slo to kling to such an old fogy and impur- 
fekt brand ov slavery wen tha kud just az ezily hav the 
latest and best brand in existenc — the waje-brand the Re- 
publikans wur uzing in the North and wich tha ar yet uzing 
and in favor ov. It iz an historikal mistake to say that the 
Republikan party abolishd slavery in the South — it did nuth- 
ing ov the kind — it simply forcd the Suthern kapitalists to 
giv up thair old and obsolete sistem ov slavery for an up-to- 
date brand that iz al hel and a life-ov-mizery wide, 29 
karats fine and waes 47 ounces to the pound. It iz no wun- 
der al the Suthern kaoitalists voted for McKinley. Tha ot 
to feel grateful and tha du, and the royal way in wich tha 
wined and fauted McKinley and uther Republikan prezi- 
dents hoo vizited the South iz ampel proof ov thair grati- 
tude. Wil the wurkers ever get on to the fakt that tha ar 



114 MENTAL DINAMITE 

responsibel for thair own slavery by voting the kapitalist 
tikets, etc? 

521. I got al my goodnes (the litel I hav) from my 
muther, and my kusednes I inherited from my wife's rela- 
tivs and the Republikan party. 

522. If I had bin konsulted about being born, I wud hav 
had the kalamity indefinitely postpond, for ever sine I 
drifted past my 40th burthda I rapidly and reluktantly real- 
izd that thare wur already plenty ov fools in this wurld 
without my buting into the game. 

523. Don't be afarid to ask for wot yu want wen it iz 
out ov reach — even if yu don't get it and ar frownd at for 
asking, for the praktis wil develop your nurv, and after a 
wile yu wil be given kredit for having unlimited nurv, and 
that iz beter than geting no kredit at al. 

524. The prezent kruel and inikwitus wor that the kap- 
italists and' thair hired pals ar wajing agenst the poor Fil- 
ipinos, iz solely for the wiked purpose ov wresting thair 
lands and uther resources and indsutries from them without 
giving them enything for them but kold led, and az a pretext 
for robing the pepel ov this kuntry ov vast sums for prose- 
kuting the unholy wor, and also az a pretext for inkrecing 
the Army and Navy until tha ar larj enuf to protekt theze 
pirates and frebooters in thair numurus and damnabel ex- 
ploiting skemes agenst the proletarast. The kapitalists hav 
only just beg'un thair diabolikal and; trezonabel skemes 
agenst the pepel ov this kunty and thair institushuns, and 
tha ar shrude enuf to forese that the poor ignorant wurms 
wil turn after wile and giv them a dose ov thair own meth- 
ods, and theze "patriots" intend to be prepared for eny and 
al emurjeneies that may arize. How intelijent the wurking 
mules ov this kuntry ar to hire out to the kapitalists for $13 
a munth and al the dekaed and embomd meat tha kan ete, to 
go abroad and murder uther wurking donkys hoo never 
harmd them in eny way! Theze poor deluded murderers 
hoo imajin themselvs to be "patriots" and "defendlers-ov- 
thair-kuntry," shud refuze to du murder, for in that way 
tha kud du themselvs and humanity a real survis. The 
poor fools hav bin taut to prate about "saving thair kuntry," 
wen tha don't own a foot ov it nor eny uther kuntry ; tha ar 
only mere slaves ov the kapitalists hoo "own" the kuntry, 
and wenever theze kapitalistik pirates want eny danjurus or 
disonorabel wurk dun, tha hire theze fool wurkers to du it 
for them, and then joly the chumps into beleeving tha ar 
"patriots," etc. How kan tha save "thair" kuntry from the 



MENTAL DINAMITE 115 

Filipinos wen thoze poor pepel ar not trying to take nor 
harm this kuntry, but ar at home minding thair own biznes 
and defending thair nativ kuntry from the marauding attaks 
ov the Amerikans? Get your ies open, yu poor dupes, and 
refuze to shoot uther wurkers at the behest ov the kapitalists 
and thair hirelings and thugs. 

525. If I kud make wurds out ov prusik-acid, ratelsnake- 
poizun, smolpox-skabs, limburger-egs, saliva-ov-mad-dogs, 
the blud and froth ov maniaks and the drool ov idiots, sifil- 
itik gangrene, blak-vomit, tuburkuli-ov-lepers, and bind 
them together with kancer-roots, barb-wire and tape-wurms, 
and make a penholder out ov a turkybuzard's wishbone and 
a pen out ov a kobra's tooth, and ink out ov pure nitrik-acid» 
yellofever swet, the blud ov broken harts and the teers from 
ies tha hav kried in vain for bred, I'd hie me away to the 
koldest and most desolate part ov the Klondike, put a 
klothespin on my noze and rite a tru biografy ov such "pa- 
triots" az Mark Hanna, H. G. Otis, Grover Klevelancf,. Jon 
Shurman, Theodore Roozvelt, Gen. Merriam, Guv. Stunen- 
burg, Guv. Pebody, Shurman Bel, Wm. F. Vilas, Russel Al- 
ger, Tom. B. Reed, Jon Dam Robefeler, Pierpont Morgan,. 
Jorj M. Pulman, Jon R. Tanner, Joe Kannon, Wm. B. Al- 
lison, Taft, Gen. Funston, Toledo Blade, Chikago Inter- 
Oshun, St. Luis Globe-Demokrat, Omaha Bee, and about a 
milyun uther such "revenu-only-patriots," and punkchuate 
the whole with the sobs and hartakes ov the milyuns ov 
prostitutes and suicides, kulor it with the shreeks ov the 
damd and frame it in the agonizd deth-ratels ov the milyuns 
ov litel innocent babies that hav bin starvd and disezd to 
deth by the prezent damnabel and diabolikal sistem ov 
strife and starvashun, mis-koled "civilizashun!" Thare! I 
feel much beter after geting that al of my mind. 

526. Thare iz not enuf onor in the whole so-koled "reg- 
ular" med'ikal profeshun to make a 2nd klas karakter for a 
3rd klas yello dog, and thare iz not wun out ov a hundred ov 
the orthodox numskuls hoo kud tel a holterstrap from a 
tapewurm to save hiz life unles wun ov them had a bukel on 
it and the uther wun woz krawling around. It wud stump 
the britest ov them to tel Chilblanes from Sunstroke, or to 
diagnose Frekels from Prolapsus Uteri, or Piles from Ka- 
tarakt, or Chanje-ov-Life from Lost-Manhood, or Labor 
Pains from Kampmeetin' Jurks. And sum ov the most pius 
and dignified wuns kudn't tel a Mirakulus Koncepshun and 
a Vikarius Atonement from the Deklarashun-ov-Independ- 
enc and Kompound Fimosis ; and sum ov the most gram- 



116 MENTAL DINAMITE 

matikal ov them kudn't tel the diferenc between a Menstrual 
Period and an Anatomikal Kolon. Inua very brite mediko 
in Iowa that kudn't diferenshiate a Marsupial Koxkix from 
a Gallinashus Wishbone, and away out in "Sunny Kansas" 
iz a profeshunal medikal kus hoo diagnosd a plain and self- 
evident kace ov Konfluent Frekels az Kompound Pregnancy. 
And not more than 4 pur cent ov them kan tel shugar from 
quinine after tasting them. Verily, verily I smile unto yu, 
the doktors ar a hot and progresiv outfit ov lollapaloozers, 
and yet the poor devils ar only 13th in the red and lurid 
line ov humbugs. Tha wud probably be wurs if tha kud, 
but tha ar not so wel and abundantly supplied with dia- 
bolikal talent az ar the preachers, bankers, politishans, and 
uther members ov the Charlatan Brutherhood or Modern 
Order ov Grafters. Ofkours, thare ar a fu ov the regulars 
hoo ar jentelmen, and to hoom theze jucy and nutrishus re- 
marks dunot apply, and to al such I extend the rijht hand 
ov felloship. 

527. How long wud it take a Kansas City gurl togd out 
in Omaha bloomers to slide down the rainbo on a skoop- 
shuvel, stoping only at kounty-seats ? 

528. Wen it iz sunup in Missouri, wot time iz it in 
Eturnity ? 

529. How far wud a wagon hav to run before the hind 
wheel kaut up with the frunt wheel? Ans. About the 
■same distanc Bryan wud hav to run in order to get in the 
Wite Hous. 

530. How far iz "Heven" from Worshington, D. C. ? 
'The "D. C." after Worshington stands for Deals Con- 
sumated. 

531. On zvot did God liv during the decilyuns ov years 
before he kreated enything? The Old Boy must hav bin a 
iollapaloozer at fasting. 

532. Az God must hav bin purfektly hapy during the de- 
cilyuns ov eons before he kreated enything, wy did he kreate 
uther krechurs and things? And wy didn't he fix them up 
with organizms that kud liv on nuthing and that wud be 
impurvius to heat, kold, pain and deth? 

533. If Mr. God made al the vast and shining wurlds 
that ar now wasting thair time and talents loafing around 
thru trakles space without eny hat or koat on, out ov "nuth- 
ing/' wot kind ov a kozmos kud he hav goten up if he had 
"had plenty ov good raw material to wurk on ? 

534. After God had made al the vast and kountles wurlds 



MENTAL DINAMITE 117 

and everything else, he gatherd up the waste materials and 
ods and ends left over, and wile in a umorus frame ov mind, 
he made the Demokratik-party out ov theze tailings — made 
it just az a joke on itself and on everything else. 

535. If the "vurjin Mollie" iz the "muther-ov-God," az 
the Kristchuns klaim, she must hav bin in existenc before 
hur son woz koncevd, and, tharefore, he (God) woz not 
the furst pebel on the beach by a dam site. And az the Old 
Jent had a "muther" he must also hav had a f other — unles 
he "jest groed" like the immortal "Topsy." How inex- 
presibly stupid it iz ov the Kristchuns to klaim that thair 
God haz always existed, and at the same time assert that he 
had a muther. It iz plainly imposibel for enywun to exist 
prior to hiz muther's existenc. The plain truth ov the matter 
iz tha hav no "God." The whole thing iz a myth — an old 
Jim-myth in wich the SUN iz God or the Kreator ov al life, 
etc. If it wur not for the SUN thare wud be no life nor 
krops to sustain life. 

536. If al the wunderful things that ar now in existenc, 
kud not hav kum into existenc without a "kreator," then 
hoo kreated the Kreator ov theze things? The "Kreator- 
ov-al-things" must be infinitely greater than eny ov hiz 
kreashuns, and tharefore, thare wud be a greater necesity to 
hav a "kreator" for him than for eny ov the uther things 
in existenc ; so then, dear Kristchuns, your "God" must 
either hav bin "kreated" or else kame into existenc by 
"chanc." Wich horn ov the dilema du yu prefer? Or, did 
Hiz Nibs make himself out ov nuthing before he kame into 
existenc, and then utilizd the nuthing left over from making 
hiz Supreme Self to make the rest ov us out ov? Thare 
iz no questchun but wot he made the Kristchuns out ov 
nuthing, and the very poorest kind ov nuthing at that. 

537. If the Jews had not "kruciffed Jesus Krist" thare 
wud not hav bin eny "rezurrekshun," and if thare had bin 
no "reszurrekshun" thare wud not be eny "salvashun" for 
the poor, mizerabel Kristchuns ; so, ivy du theze idiots hate 
and pursekute the Jews for purforming thair necessarv part 
in that qreat trajik komedv, entiteld : "DETH, REZUR- 
REKSHUN and SALVASHUN," or, How to Pas Thru 
Deth Without Dying? 

538. If a boy kan go 4 miles in 2 minets before breakfast 
to se a surkus kum in town, how long wud it take that same 
boy to go 100 feet to the woodshed and bring in an armful 
ov wood for hiz muther to kook brekfast with? 



118 MENTAL DINAMITE 

539. How meny flies wud it take to make a flying ma- 
sheen ? 

540. How much straw duz it take to make a strawberry? 

541. Wud goosberies be a proper diet for geec? 

542. How meny lads duz it take to make a lader ? 

543. If it takes 2 appels to make a pair, how meny plums 
wud it require to make a peach? 

544. How much temptashun duz it take to make the rain 
fol? 

545. How much ov a bio wud it take to make the wind 
howl? 

546. How meny hens wud it take to make a Henry ? 

547. How long wud a purson hav to drink te, in order 
to be a "tetotaler?" 

548. How much time duz it take to make Eturnity ? 

549. How meny lies duz it take to make a f olchood ? 

550. Wot iz the diferenc between a liar and a diplomat? 
Wy the diplomat gets paid for lying and the liar don't. 

551. How meny buls wud it take to make a bulfrog? 

552. How meny kows wud it take to make a koward? 

553. How meny bugs wud it take to make a bugy? 

554. How meny steps wud a homely, redheded gras- 
wido hav to take in order to get a step-fother for hur 13 
children? 

555. If a wido shud wear "mourning" a year for the los 
ov hur furst huzband, how long shud she wear evening for 
the elopement ov hur sekund spous with the hired gurl? 

556. If a man shud wait a year after hiz wife dies, be- 
fore marrying agen, how long shud he hold stil after the 
partner ov hiz joys ai|d sorroes had eloped with the min- 
ister ? 

557. If a gurl kan't get the man she wants, she shud 
lurn to wamS, the man she kan get. 

558. If a man kan't get the gurl he wants, he shud not 
sit down and brood over it and try and purswade himself 
that she iz the only thing that ever hapend, for she iz not. 
If he wil get out ov the old home-ruts and travel a litel he 
wil soon diskuver that the woods ar ful ov the "only wuns 
that ever hapend,'' and he wil also find that quite a number 
ov them ar wling and redy to let him pay thair board and 
laundry bils az long az he kan stand it. 



MENTAL DINAMITE 119 

559. How hapy we wud al be if we only wanted the 
things we kud get. 

560. How meny haf-bruthers wud it take to make a 
whole-bruther ? 

561. "Heven" iz such a dezirabel place everybody steers 
klear ov it long az posibel. Even the klerjy prefer to re- 
main in this mizerabel wurld ov sorrow and teers. Funy? 

562. If the wimen wud kare more for each uther and for 
the men les, tha (the wimen) wud be far hapier and much 
beter of. Thair ekonomik necesities make them dependent 
upon the men. That shud not be, and it iz wun ov the meny 
injustises placd upon wimen by the kapitalist sistem, and the 
only remedy tharefor iz Soshalizm. 

563. The Inglish langwidj iz a kurius thing az witneseth 
the folloing: A gristmil iz wher tha make diferent kinds 
ov flours, and yet no wun ever made flowers in a gristmil. 
The "rite" may be "rong" and the "rong" may be "rijht." 
Wite iz blak and Blak iz wite ; likewize, Long iz short and 
Short iz long. Green iz smart and Smart iz green. The 
ie kan se most enything, but the sea kan't ie enything. The 
fire iz hot, but hot iz not fire. The ice iz kold, but a "kold" 
iz not ice. A whetstone iz not wet at al, and a bedspring haz 
no woter in it ; likewize, a bedtik kan't tik a bit, and a woch 
kan't woch enything; wy the best woch in the wurld kudn't 
even woch its own kace. And a roking chair iz not made ov 
roks, altho it gets quite roky wen it gets old and worn out. 

564. Wen sizing up a fashunably dresd wuman dedukt 
60 per cent for filing, pading, woding, paint, powder, etc., 
and then yu wil not be much disappointed if yu shud ever be 
unfortchunate enuf to marry hur. 

565. Az the "Lord God formd man ov the dust ov the 
erth," it iz no wunder man iz such a durtv and wurthles kus ; 
it seems to my hethenish mind az tho the Old Jent mijht 
hav uzd beter material out ov wich to make hiz "greatest 
and most purfekt wurks." Sum ov theze "noblest" wurks 
ov hiz ar so alfired hard I often think the Old Fello got shy 
on durt and had to uze roks to make them out ov ; and he 
shurely made most ov the Republikans out ov steel, and that 
may akount for thair pronenes to steal and form "steel 
trusts." 

566. From burth to 3 years ov aje he iz koled "momma's 
litel tootsie-wootsie :'' from 3 to 6 he iz koled "litel Willie;" 
from 6 to 10 he iz designated az "Willie ;" from to to 16 he 
iz noen az "Billie;" from 16 to 25 he iz quietly koled "Wil;" 



120 MENTAL DINAMITE 

from 25 to 40 he iz noen az "Wilyum;" from 40 to 60 he iz 
spoken ov az "Bil ;" and from 60 to the Morning-Glory-Vine 
he iz designated az "Old Bil." 

567. The human face haz 7 holes in it, and vet it iz not 
"holy." 

568. A wagon wheel iz ful ov spokes, and yet the kused 
thing kan't speak. 

569. A wagon and a shu both hav tungs, but tha kan't 
tok a wurd. 

570. The human foot iz les than a foot long, and yet it 
iz a whole foot. 

571. - A man kan get shot every da in the year, and yet 
not be injurd in the least, and a man or wuman may dye 
every da in the year and yet not be ded. 

572. A chair iz a kontrary brute, for it haz 4 good, 
strong legs and yet it never makes eny effort to wok, but 
spends al its life seting on its legs and the floor. It often 
haz its botum kaned, however, but not on akkount ov its re- 
f uzal to wok. And I never nu a chair to rob eny wun, not- 
withstanding the thouzands ov pepel it haz sukcesfuly held 
up ; neither duz it ever get into trubel for holding pepel up. 

573. The Irish Potato iz a homely burd, and yet nearly 
everybody tries to make a mash on it. 

574. The Potato iz the only thing in the wurld that uzes 
its ies to gro with insted ov to se with. The Potato iz not 
so unfortchunate az its nabor, the Tomato ; or at least, it 
don't get in the soup so often. 

575. The Peach iz the King ov fruits, the Strawberry iz 
the Queen ov beries, the Bean iz the Emperor ov vejetabels, 
the Wheat iz the Zar ov grains, and the Kokonut iz the 
Prezident ov nuts, and the Turky iz the 1 Sultan ov meats. 

576. A piano haz more than 80 kees, and yet it kudn't 
unlok its own kace to save its life. It wud never make a 
sukces az a burglar. 

577. A kabaje hed iz not the only wun that haz no brains 
— thare ar the dude, the pimpel, the river, etc. 

578. A river iz the only thing that haz its mouth at the 
lower end ov itself, and that don't uze its mouth to ete with ; 
but az it haz no brains in its hed and never sleeps in its bed, 
wot kan yu expekt ov it? 

579. A li wil often get thare and kut the ice wher the 
truth wud hav no more chanc than a rabit. 

580. It iz an uphil task trying to enliten the pepel, for 



MENTAL DINAMITE 121 

tha don't want it — al tha want iz to be oftenly and abund- 
antly fed, humbugd and amuzd. It iz ezier to sel them $5 
wurth ov truk for thair guts than 5c wurth ov mental-food 
for thair minds. 

581. The best way to impruve the human race iz to fre 
the wimen from al thair chains, relijus, ekonomik, soshal, 
etc., and provide them a rashunal and hijenik environment 
so tha kan expand upward and onward and liv komplete 
lives fre from the fear ov want, for everything- that im- 
pruves the muthers wil elevate the race, and vice versa ; and 
Soshalizm iz the only thing that kam provide the proper 
environment for them and the men, tu. It iz the only 
remedy that kan rem ! 

582. Az it iz proper to kol a rabit a ''hare," wy wtidn't 
it be equoly proper to kol a d'uk a f ether? 

583. A Pear iz the most remarkabel ov al fruits, for it 
only takes wun ov the kriters to make a pear ; wile it wud 
require at least 2 ov the uther fruits to make a pair. 

584. If pepel wur les partikular how tha look, and more 
kareful ov how tha akt, this wurld wud soon be fit to liv in. 

585. Man iz now the King ov Beasts ; in fakt, he iz a 
joker in every dek. 

586. The Rainbo iz wun ov God's sumer nekties that the 
rain spoild for him and he had 1 to hang it out to dry. 

587. The Noze iz placd rijht over and near the Mouth so 
az to smel everthing that attempts to enter that door to the 
Stumik. If it wur not for this wize arranjement meny in- 
jurius and fatal things wud find thair way into the mouth 
and stumik ; in fakt, if it wur not for the nasal sentinel Lim- 
burger Cheez mijht maskurade az Ice Kream and thus gain 
entranc to the mouth and stumik. 

588. It iz always unfashunabel to be truthful, onest or 
sensibel. To be in the fashunabel swim yu must be thuroly 
hipokritikal, idiotik, prudish and unnachural. The more 
muny and les brains the beter kan wun shine in "society." 

589. Litening iz kozd by the klouds winking at each 
uther. 

590. If yu havn't sumthing to sa that iz wurth saing, or 
if yu don't noe wot yu ar toking about, keep your food trap 
klozd and giv your tung a vakashun. A big pur cent ov the 
trubel in this wurld iz kozd by kareles and rekles toking. 

591. Toking iz dancing with the tung, and singing iz 
BWiming the air with the voic. 



122 MENTAL DINAMITE 

592. Never tok about your nabors unles yu kan thro bo- 
kaes at them ; utherwize, take an old f ashund, muzel-loading 
ax to them. 

593. If yu kan't manaje your children it iz bekoz yu ar 
not kompetent to manaje eny thing and the kids ar aware ov 
that fakt and refuze to submit to an inkompetent. 

594. A "Bohemian Klub" iz an heterojeneus aggrega- 
shun ov literary dekadents and intellekchual dejenerates 
hoo meet informaly and dissipate promiskuusly without eny 
fear ov the polece. Tha ar a lot ov swift and smooth ni- 
tengales and bobolinks hooz intellekts hav formd an ezy 
and extemporaneus koalishun with thair pashuns and appe- 
tites. 

595. Kristchuns like to go hunting and shoot the life out 
ov litel innocent and helples burds, rabits, squarls, etc., just 
to sho thoze "hethenish" and "ungodly" krechurs wot a 
"refining" and "civilizing" influenc "relijun" haz on human- 
beings. 

596. It iz a wunder sum ov theze $4-a-week-klerks don't 
bild a hi board fenc around thair long goos neks and then 
witewash it so az to hav a kollar nearly az hi az thair vanity 
and awful dignity! 

597. Revenj iz the sweetest-bitter fruit that groes only 
on the great Upas Tre ov Disappointment. 

598. The time, labor and muny spent in preparing pepel 
for the "Next Wurld," shud be spent in teaching- them how 
to liv rijht in this wurld, and then we'd hav heven here and 
now. 

599. Every vote for Soshalizm iz a bio 
That fils our enemies ful ov wo, 

And if we soak it to them wun and al, 
Thair Hous-ov-Graft wil quikly fol. 

600. Sum pepel kud du a lot ov good by suiciding. 

601. Most ov life's disappointments ar kozd by hitching 
our Hopes to Rainboes. 

602. If I only nu wot yu don't noe, and if yu wur aware 
ov al that haz never okkurd to me, we wud both be prity, 
tolerably, dam wel edukated. 

603. Konsistency iz a rare and radiant old juel that 
everywun thinks hiz nabors ot to wear. 

604. Wen pepel ar trying to "raiz hel," tha ar only 
loering themselvs. 



124 MENTAL DINAMITE 

605. Supurstishun iz a Folchood that Hope haz labeld 
Truth, and that Ignoranc haz soderd on the Mind with 
Faith. 

606. Soshalizm iz Humanity's Elektrik Lite, 
And wil take the darknes out ov every nite, 
And supply the race with al it needs, 

And koz the flowers to bloom in place ov weeds. . 

607. Ragtime iz the cigarets ov muzik. 

608. Flatery iz kompound blarny and haz no equol for 
humbuging fools. 

609. "Jak Frost" iz a kool and pekuleyur kus, for he iz 
often akkuzd ov biting pepel's toes, nozes, ears, fingers, 
cheeks, etc., and yet he haz no teeth nor mouth and kan liv 
thru the koldest winter without eting eny thing — he just livs 
on nuthing but kold weather, but don't ete it. 

610. A Buzsaw haz plenty ov teeth but no mouth nor 
tung, and yet it sings a monotonus chant (the requiem ov 
the log it iz devouring) wile it iz eting ; and the more it etes 
the thiner it gets. 

611. The Grindstone ledes a sort ov grinding existenc, 
yet it never gets "tired" like the Wagon Wheel wich duz 
nuthing but "run around." 

612. A Kabaje haz no brains in its hed and haz no edu- 
kashun wotever, and yet thare iz always a demand for kab- 
aje heds, wich iz a great deal more than kan be truthfuly 
sed about most human heds. It'z the only brainles hed in the 
wurld that iz in demand. 

613. It iz no trubel at al to hav trubel, for the wurld iz 
always more wiling to thro brikbats than bokaes. 

614. Tomatoes hav no "toes," and Strawberies ar not 
made ov "straw," and Mulberies ar not made ov "mul;" 
neither ar Goosberies made ov "geec" nor ar not a proper 
diet for them ; neither ar Aprikots made ov "apes" nor 
"kots," and a Muskmelon haz no "musk ;" likewize, the Oys- 
ter Plant never had enything to du with "oysters" in al its 
life, and the Pineappel iz not made ov "pine" nor it never 
"pines" for enything, either. Nektarenes hav no "neks,"' 
and Akorns never "ake" nor havn't a partikel ov "korn' r 
about them. Neither did the Beats ever "beat" enybody. 
The Celery iz about the only konsistent wun in the bunch, 
for it iz kompozd ov thouzands ov "eels," and yet the fool 
grocer iz always trying to "sel" it. An Uprijht Piano may- 
be utterly wurthles and wun that iz entirely "square" may 
not be fit to hav around; likewiz, the Lark never gets "or- 



MENTAL DINAMITE 125 

ganizd" nor goes on a "lark," but iz a modest and wel-be- 
havd litel burd. And a Wurm-Fenc iz not made ov "wurms" 
at al ; neither ar Tapewurms made ov ''tape," and a Tooth- 
"brush hazn't a konfounded "tooth" in its whole blamd hed ; 
.and a Kofin never "kofs ;" neither du thoze hoo sleep in it. 
It iz also a fakt that Bugies ar not kompozd ov "bugs," al- 
tho "Goldbugs" ar often found in them. I hav also dis- 
kuverd that milliners don't noe enything about the ' 'miling" 
"biznes, and most ov them hav never even bin in a mil ; and 
Pharmacists kan't "farm," and most ov them never ownd a 
farm. And Barbers ar seldum "barbarus." And! Pneumonia 
■iz not "new" at al, but iz old az the race itself. And a Boy- 
kot may be kondukted entirely by gurls and agenst wimen 
and without eny "kots ;" likewize, a purson may be sent to 
the pen for "manslauter" w r en he only kild a "wuman." 
And a Pettikoat iz neither a "pet" nor a "koat." And a 
Billygoat may be namd Jak or Jon. A Sidewok kan't wok 
on either "side." And it iz a fakt that a Krobar kan't "kro" 
a partikel. And a Tre may leve in the spring and yet not 
muve an inch from wher it haz stood al its life. Altho Dogs 
ar not talors, yet tha always make thair own "pants." but 
not thair "tails." And a Typeriter iz the only masheen that 
chues gum and Hurts. A Graswido iz not made out ov 
*"gras," and tha ar jeneraly tu fly to ete it. And a Pennife 
iz not made ov "pens," and it iz no good to rite with, either. 
And sum pepel hav dyed hundreds ov times and ar not ded 
yet. And an Elefant iz the only purson in the wurld that 
nzes its "trunk" to ete and fite with insted ov to karry its 
togs in. And altho a Fish haz hundreds ov "skales," yet it 
"kudn't wae its own hide on eny ov them. And a Bumbelbee 
iz not made out ov "bums" nor "bels," and never bums 
around nor spunjes of ov uthers. It'z an intensly hot and 
ardent litel burd that minds its own biznes and don't allow 
anybody to tred on its korns nor kol it a liar. 

615. A Mous iz about the same kind ov a reptil to the 
animal kingdom that a Fly iz a fowl to the burd family. 

616. A Bigamist iz a fool hoo iz not satisfied with the 
legal amount ov trubel to wich every individual iz entiteld, 
and deliberately annexes unto himself an amount ov trubel 
Avich the majesty ov the law rekognizes az being entirely tu 
much for the welfare ov eny mortal. Eny chump that iz not 
satisfied with the legal amount ov trubel wich the law allows 
him in the matrimonial line, iz surtenly entiteld to the snr- 
yices ov the Fool Tviler and abundantly dezurvs al that iz 
framing to him. 



126 MENTAL DINAMITE 

617. Texas haz a fu Hogs that kan read and rite and tok 
quite fluently, and the pepel ov that state wur so proud ov 
the fakt tha elekted the bigest wun guvernor ov the Lone 
Star state. 

618. A "Lobyist" iz a raskaly vilen and a vilenus raskel 
hoo iz employd and sent by sum Privet Interest to Kongres,. 
State Lejislachurs and City Kouncils to se that thoze lejis- 
lativ bodies du not deal out justis to sed Privet Interest. He 
posseses al the diabolikal talents and pekuleyur quolifika- 
shuns ov a Diplomat, a Hipnotist, a Blarnyist, an Aktor, a 
Seducer, a Siren, a Majishan, an Indian, a Burglar, a Prize- 
fiter, a Hiwayman and the Devil. He'z the smoothest ov 
smooth kuses and erns hiz tainted salary. It iz quite supur- 
flus to ad that he iz always a kapitalist, for only Kapitalizm 
haz uce for such hel-snakes and skunk-buzards, 

619. The railroads ov the United States ov Graft ar very 
parshal and unjust, az the folloing rates wil sho ; Fare for 
Human Being (150 pounds) from Boston to San Francisco- 
iz $80. Same fare for a Hog (150 pounds) iz $6, and for a 
United States Senator it iz only o; so the diferenc between 
a Hog and, 1 a Human in this blesed land ov "Liberty" and 
"Prosperity," iz $74 — in favor ov the Hog ; wile the diferenc 
between a Kongresman and the Hog iz only a trifel ov $6 — 
in favor ov the "Lawmaker." Human, $80; Hog, $6; Sen- 
ator, o. And al thre the same wate. Wot a butiful and sen- 
sibel sistem ! No, we awful Soshalists kudn't posibly get up 
enything beter — for the Senator and uther grafters ov hiz 
ilk. And it iz so wiked for us to even want to try ! 

620. Man iz so bad that even the hogs wont assoshiate 
with him unles tha ar kompeld to, and yet wimen wil stik 
to him til Hel freezes over and then pla "tag" with him on 
the ice ! 

621. Butterflies ar not made ov butter and never ete 
butter. 

622. Katerpilers ar not made ov kats nor pilars and tha 
never sleep on piloes nor assoshiate with kats. 

624. A Boodler or grafter iz a wize theef hoo haz had' 
hiz graft legalizd and thus made safe and ezier to operate. 

625. A Swindler iz a bold and rekles theef hoo iz devoid 
ov takt and diplomacy and kondukts hiz operashuns without 
eny regard to the etiket and amenities ov the profeshun. 

626. A Burglar or Hiwayman iz just a plain, respektabel 
theef hoo iz tu onest to pretend to be a "biznes man," a. 
"flnancir," a "promoter," etc. He haz my respekt and ad- 



MENTAL DINAMITE 127 

mirashun and kan also hav my muny eny old time he gets 
the "drop" on me. 

62J. The quikest and eziest way to get into trubel iz to 
be onest and tel the truth about everything. By being onest 
yu wil soon starv to deth, and 1 teling the truth wil quikly land 
yu in the penitenshary or the Subsequently. 

628. Wen a man gets in a flte and gets hiz face al 
pounded up until hiz ies ar swolen shut, then he kan very 
klearly se the buties ov peace. 

631. Simptums ar the shadoes ov disezes, and the med- 
icin doktors waste thair time and thair pashents' helth- 
shooting at the shadoes with an old-fashund, muzel-loading 
medicin-botel loaded to the nozel with a medly ov poizons. 
Tha shud remuve the abnormal kondishuns (disezes) that 
produce the shadoes or simptums. 

TRYING TO FOOL JEHOVEH. 

632. Wen a child ov orthodox Jews iz dying and tha se 
that thair prars and the prars ov thair relativs and rabi ar 
not going to save its life the numskuls rezort to a cheap and 
childish trik to outwit thair God that iz idiotik enuf to make 
a wooden jakas laf itself to deth. The ruze tha rezort to 
konsists in chanjing the dying child's name at the last minet. 
Tha must hav a very poor opinyun ov thair God's intelijenc 
to think he kud be foold by such an imbecil trik. But wot 
else kan be expekted ov pepel hoo ar ignorant and stupid 
enuf to beleev in a "Supreme Being?" And then thair 9 
daes weep after the luvd wun haz slipd hiz kabel iz a sijht 
to koz eny self-respekting simian to murder eny wun hoo 
even menshuns Darwin's name. 

633. The grafters ov the U. S. kondukt the affairs ov 
that kuntry in such a kriminal and idiotik way that the pepel 
looz, by waste, more than $65,000,000,000 anualy — an 
amount ov about $10 a da for each family in that kuntry. 
And' yet the donkys ar always braing about thair "wizdum" 
and "civilizashun !" Ov this vast amount about ten bilyuns 
go anualy for land and bildings rent, ten bilyuns for interest 
for the uce ov "muny," 5 bilyuns for advurtizing, 4 bilyuns 
for inshurane, and the rest for "profits" and uther minor 
wastes. Tha kud produce 5 times more welth with 4 hours a 
da wurk, than tha du now with ten hours a da, if thair in- 
dustries wur ko-operativly owmi and operated in the inter- 
ests ov al, for then al waste wud be eliminated and every- 
thing wud be dun intelijently and onestly. Everything iz 
now kondukted in the interests ov about ten per cent ov the 
pepel, and tha ar a lot ov arrogant and konceted dejenerates 



128 MENTAL DINAMITE 

hoo du no uceful wurk at al, but liv a parasitik life ov idel- 
nes and kriminal dissipashun and al around kusednes. 

634. A "Fakir" iz wun hoo gets sumthing for nuthing, 
and a "Suker" iz the swift individual hoo gets nuthing for 
sumthing; tharefore, al thoze hoo liv on interest, rents and 
profits ar fakers, and the remainder ov the burning outfit ar 
sukers, but the most ov the latter wud like to be fakers and 
get sumthing for nuthing, but tha ar not inelijent and smooth 
enuf to sukceed az fakers. 

635. King McHannafelt's "frendly assimilashun" skeme 
he iz wurking on the Fillipinoes haz even kozd Butcher Wy- 
ler" to start a society for the "prevenshun ov kruelty to 
savajes." 

' 636. Politikal Platforms in U. S. 

SOSHALIST PLATFORM: Truth and Justis 

for al, Prosperity for al, Univursal Peac and 

Brutherhood. 
POPULIST PLATFORM: $$$£Muny. £$$ 
DEMOKRATIK PLATFORM : $$$$$ £ £ More 

Muny. £$$$$$$£ 
REPUBLIKAN PLATFORM: $$£$£$ Most 

Muny. £$$$£$£$$£$ 

PROHIBISHUN PLATFORM: $$$ Relijun & 
Muny. £$$$£ 
637. The "Kristchun Sienc" loonies klaim that disezes 
dunot exist; and yet tha try to "kure" disezes — sumthing 
that duznot exist. How absurd to try and "kure" that wich 
iz non-existent ! No, tha ar not insane, for tha hav no 
brains, (akkording to thair own doktrin) and enything that 
haz no brains kannot be afflikted with insanity. Tha also 
hav no stumiks, and yet, to sho thair konsistency, I suppoze, 
tha keep rijht on eting 3 times a da — just the same az du 
thoze hoo du hav stumiks. Ya, ya, brethren, but I smile 
unto yu that tbeze loonies ar an exceeding warm fitout, but 
ar sufering from kampmeet'n' jurks ov the intellekt and kon- 
stipashun ov the mind. 

638. Izn't it about time the "Powers" koled a halt to 
the Amerikan Sultan's horribel butchery ov the innocent, 
helples and defensles Fillipinoes? How painfuly silent the 
Kristchun churches ar now — June, 1899! It iz a Kristchun 
guvernment that iz duing the butchering now, and without 
the slitest exkuce or provokashun, except that the Amerikan 
kapitalists wanted the Fillipinoes' kuntry and thair indus- 
tries. Seek, 'em, Bil ! Your Bibel sezs : "Tha hoo liv by 



MENTAL DINAMITE 129 

the sword shal perish by the sword!" Purhaps yu wil be 
shot down in kold blud sum time, just az yu ar having the 
Fillipino murdlerd. 

639. "Krank" iz the epithet that Ignoranc haz always ap- 
plied to Jeneyus — the pet name that Orthodoxy haz for Het- 
erodoxy. It iz the despairing kry that the Dunghils shout 
after the Thurobreds bekoz tha kan't keep up with them! 
it iz the envius, "sour-grape" voic ov the klumsy old bobtail, 
Shanghai Rooster kroing at the fearles Egel hooz splendid 
and tireles wings ar parting every kloud and failing the pale 
and silent Moon ! It'z the Ripling Brook babling at the 
Roaring Oshun — the old-time Tallo Dip splutering at the 
quiet Kastellated Stars that twinkel on forever! — the Fire- 
flies" chuing the rag" about the Elektrik Lite — the Evening 
Zefer trying to belitel the Nomadiik Cyklone ; in short, it iz 
the old, old Krab appel jelusy ov Peaches. 

640. Wen pepel ar realy relijus tha ar aktchualy krazy. 

641. Injustis iz a sharp and poizonus 4-edj sword that 
kuts in every direkshun and never needs eny honing. 

642. A Folchood iz a foul and slimy Surpent that wil 
finaly sting its poizonus self to deth. 

643. Liberty iz the nachural and inaleyenabel rijht to 
du ac yu piece, so long az yu don't pleze to interfere with 
the equol rijhts ov uthers. In al kapitalist kuntries Liberty 
konsists in quietly and respektfuly duing wot the Rulers 
want yu to du. 

644. Yu kan't trust thoze hoo wish to deny to uthers the 
rijhts and priviledjes tha klaim for themselvs, for al such 
pursons ar dejenerates and kriminals and ar unsafe to trust 
with the welfare and liberties ov uthers. 

645. Pursekuting for opinyun's sake iz the Krime ov 
Krimes, and thoze hoo ar gilty ov it ar the meanest ov the 
mean and the loest ov the lo. 

646. To want sumthing for nuthing and to dezire more 
than yu kan ever uze, ar shure simptums ov dejeneracy and 
|a kriminal nachur. 

647. Luv-kising iz Sonl-viziting. It iz geting the wurth 
|ov your muny and a litel besides for memory's rainy da. 

648. Shooting thair relijun into the "hethens," in order 
Ito "civilize" them, iz the Kristchun way ov "wining the 
lwurld for Krist — the Princ ov Peac." 

649. The durt in the "Potter's Field" iz just the same az 
the soil in "konsekrated" ground, and the wurms ov the 

run ar identikal with the maggots ov the uther; so yu wil be 



130 MENTAL DINAMITE 

just az wel of in the Graveyard ov the Poor az in the Ceme- 
tery ov the Rich, for tha ar both suburbs ov the Past — the 
great Nekropolis ov Eturnity. 

650. Robert G. Ingersol woz gilty ov twu enormus 
krimes — the wun woz a diabolikal krime and the uther woz 
an infamus wun; the diabolikal krime konsisted in being a 
member ov the Republikan-party and a defender ov the 
Gold-standard, wile hiz uther of fens only konsisted in dying 
a bilyun years tu soon. Such immortal jeneyuses shud 
never di and thus deprive the wurld ov thair lite. Republi- 
kanizm and tobako wur hiz only folts. 

651. Geting "even" with uthers for revenj, iz only geting 
ahed ov yourself. 

652. No matter how great or important an individual 
may be, this wiked and indiferent old wurld wil kontinu to 
jog rijht along the same az ever after he haz tangeld hiz 
tooties up in the Trelles Plant. 

653. Wia J. Bryan haz gaind a great deal ov transhent 
notoriety in the United States by eloquently and dramatikaly 
mouthing a lot ov prity nuthings wile piusly pozing az the 
"frend ov labor," and at the same time upholding and de- 
fending the kapitalistik sistem ov produksnun and distribu- 
shun, and its korolery, the waje-sistem ov slavery. Az he 
haz no politikal wings (jeneyus) ov hiz own he haz and iz 
yet trying to fly into the politikal heven (offis) on the pin- 
yuns ov Tomas Jefferson and Andru ■ Jakson. He iz franti- 
kaly trying to "smash" the trusts, (with wind) and at the 
same time he iz a staunch defender ov the kozes ov the 
trusts — privet ownership ov the erth and its industries, kom- 
petishun, profit, etc. ; in uther wurds, Ivoos-Tung-Billie iz 
trying to remuve an effekt without abolishing the kozes that 
produc that effekt. Ofkours he wil sukceed just like the 
fool doktor sukceeded hoo tried to kure the morfene-habit 
by administering opium to hiz pashents every haf hour. If 
it wur not for hurting Windy Billie's feelings I wud tel'wy 
thare ar no kobwebs on the Milky Way enymore. 

654. In Iowa a doktor kan't humbug the pepel unles he 
haz a purmit from the Doktor Trust to du so. With sed 
purmit he iz legaly entiteld to skin and murder them to a 
frenzied frazel; but if he attempts to kure them without 
furst having purchased a "licens" from the Medikal Trust 
ov that state, the ajents ov that Assosiashun ov Poizoners 
and Murderers wud land him in jail, no matter how wel 
he mijht be quolified nor how meny medikal diplomas he 
mijht posses. Nuthing but legalizd and Trust-made fraud 



MENTAL DINAMITE 131 

goes in the Hawkie-state. The Hawkies ar a very fastidius 
and proper pepel and don't propoze to be dun up except in 
the good old-fashund and orthodox way. Theze stade and 
dekadent numskuls beleev and pursistently teach and preach 
that a long ago dececd Jew (Mr. Jesus Krist) iz an "Alwize 
and Supreme Being," and then to demonstrate wot expurts 
tha ar in konsisteney, tha enakt laws making it a krime for 
enywun to offer or attempt to kure disezes akkording to this 
ded sheeny's direkshuns. The only method ov kuring the 
sik that Krist rekognizes and rekommends iz by "praing,"* 
"laing-on-ov-hands," and "anointing-with-oil-in-the-name- 
ov-the-Lord." Se James 5-13, 14 and 15; Mark 16-18;; 
Math. 10-8; 21-22; Mark 11-24. It iz pozitivly danjurus to 
attempt to folio Krist's teachings in eny Kristchun kuntry. 
Theze pius numskuls wil pursekute and murder yu if yu 
deny the "Alwizenes" or existenc ov thiair dear "Saveyur," 
and yet the minet yu try to praktis hiz techings, into prizon 
tha wil sok yu and then rob yu under the pretext ov "fine" 
and "kost." Yes, it iz quite a fine thing for the kapitalist 
grafters hoo ar riming the game, and also quite a kostly 
thing for thair viktims. "Yu kan't get to Heven," tha sa > 
"unless yu folio Krist ;" and yet to even attempt to folio the 
"Great Fizishan" in Iowa wil land yu in jail insted ov heven. 
Verily, verily I utter unto yu, the Iowa jaspers ar warm 
things, and thair wizdum iz so great it keeps them awake at 
nites. Tha kan ezily step on thair own ears. Iowa has always 
had the strikest medikl laws ov eny state, and yet thar ar 
more disezes pur kapita and the d'eth rate iz hier in that much 
"protekted" state than in poor old krazy Kansas wher thare 
haz bin no medikal law at al to "protekt" the poor pepel 
from the awful "quaks." The whole and real objekt ov al 
"medikal laws" iz to "protekt" a lot ov ignorant and raskaly 
numskuls from kompetishun, and to afford thair skoundrely 
pals, the " officers-ov-the-law," an opoprtunity to hold up. 
and rob pepel in the way ov "fine-anrf-kost." The so-koled". 
"regular" and "legal" doktors ar so slo tha kan't keep up^ 
with the "quaks," and henc thair frantik appeals for lejisla- 
shun to choke the "quaks" of, so the "regulars" may hav the 
field ov humbuging and robing the sik al to themselvs. If 
the "regulars" wur abel to kure the pepel and keep them 
wel, az tha shud du, the pepel wud al voluntarily patronize 
them, and then the awful "charlatans" wud starv or be forcd 
into uther field's. Yes, if the "legalizd" felloes wur realy 
kompetent tha wud not need eny lejislativ protekshun. Only 
inkompetency and graft require protekshun and speshal 
favors. Al pursons shud be allowd to praktis the "healing 



132 MENTAL DINAMITE 

art," and everywun hoo praktises it shud be kompeld to state 
on hiz kardis and sine, etc. wether or not he iz a graduate ov 
eny skool or kolledj, together with the name, lokashun ov 
sed skool and the date ov hiz graduashun ; and if he advur- 
tizes he shud be kompeld to state theze fakts in al hiz ads, 
etc. Then if eny wun wanted to patronize a purson hoom 
he nu woz not a graduate, it iz solely hiz own affair, and the 
State haz no rijht to interfere. And a penalty ov 5 years im- 
prizonment for misrepresenting hiz quolifikashuns, etc. shud 
be impozd for the furst of fens, and ten years for each subse- 
quent offens. Such a law wud most effektchualy setel the 
whole matter without duing an injustis to eny wun. The 
pepel hav a rijht to noe a purson's quolifikashuns and to be 
protekted from decepshun, but tha shud not be denied the 
rijht to employ an inkompetent if tha chooz to du so and du 
so noeingly. 

655. A Very Feeling Field Note ov Interest 

To MISSOURIANS. 
Mr. Endfield, ov Litelfield, woz born in Mayneld and raizd 
in Butterfield and went to skool in Garfield and graduated in 
Springfield, and then praktisd law in Barfield. He met Mis 
Schofield, ov Greenfield, at a Teacher's Institute in Brook- 
field, and afterwards he kourted hur at Srruithfield wher she 
woz teaching skool. She woz born in Richfield, raizd in 
Hatfield and went to skool in Bradfield and graduated in 
Bakersfield. He propozd to hur in Winfield, and a year 
later tha wur married at Fairfield and spent thair hunymoon 
in Bloomfield, and then went into biznes at Marshfield, 
busted up at Mansfield over a man, qurold and separated at 
Thornfield and got a divorc at Warfield. And then tha both 
went to roaming the Matrimonial -field to make more kon- 
quests on the Luv-field. Not long afterwards he got kild at 
Deerfield wile hunting deer, and woz buried in the Potter's- 
field at Sheffield. A fu daes later she got drownd at Bay- 
field wile bathing, and hur remains wur interd in the ceme- 
tery at Plainfield. And then thair souls wonderd of in op- 
posit direkshuns thru the unfecd and eturnal fields ov the 
frostles and kumbakles Henc, towards the peaceful and 
hevenly fields ov everlasting rest. 

656. Prezident McKinly stated with hiz last breth that 
hiz assassinashun woz the "Wil and wurk ov God." Wei, 
if that iz so it iz very foolish and unjust to punish Zolgos 
for God's krime. McKinly's God only uzd Zolgos az hiz 
instrument for the remuval ov a prezident with hoom he 
must hav bin terribly dissatisfied. A God that let Grover 



MENTAL DINAMITE 133 

Kleveland go safely thru twu turms unhannd iz surtenly a 
very pashent and goodnachurd God, and wun that iz not 
hard-at-al to pleze ; so it seems quite evident that Hanna's 
"Advanc-Ajent-ov-Prosperity" woz a fu tu meny for the 
Old Jent, and he had him "put of at Buffalo," az the song 
goes. And if it woz "God's Wil and way" that McKinly 
shud be remuvd in that barbarus fashun, I don't se how Zol- 
gos kud hav prevented God from uzing him az hiz instru- 
ment for that horribel purpus. Thiz iz anuther kace ov God- 
lines and Republikanizm badly mixd. 

657. The Republikans and uther kapitalists ar seting up a 
great kry, agenst the allejd "Anarkists" bekoz wun ov that 
faith murderd thair Big Idol. Tha ar just inkonsistent and 
foolish enuf to want them al exturminated bekoz wun ov 
them kommited a hanus krime. To be konsistent tha ot to 
advokate the exturminashun ov al Republikans bekoz a Re- 
publikan assassinated Prezident Garfield, Guv. Gobel and 
Maor Harrison. And I suppoze the Demokrats shud al be 
hangd bekoz wun ov thair purswazhun kild Prezident Lin- 
kun? The thouzands ov Negroes hoo hav kommited the 
foul and awful krime ov rape ar al Republikans ; so, akkord- 
ing to the kapitalistik lojik, al uther republikans shud be ex- 
turminated? Thare ar no "Anarkists" amung the kulored 
rapists. Wot butiful lojik theze kapitalists ar induljing in? 
but wot else kan we expekt from eny brain that iz disezd and 
warpd enuf to be a kapitalist ? 

658. The "Anarkists" may be prity bad pepel for al I 
noe, (I never saw wun) but tha wur a long, long time fol- 
loing the bad exampels thair Demokratik and Republikan 
brethren set them in assasinating rulers. The Demokrats 
set them the furst bad exampel in murdering the best prezi- 
dent the United States ever had' — the good' and nobel Abra- 
ham Linkun, and then the Republikans went into the assas- 
sinashun biznes on a lraj- skale, and brutaly murderd Prezi- 
dent James A. Garfield, Guv. Wm. Gobel, ov Kentuky f and 
Maor Karter Harrison, ov Chikago; and even after al theze 
bad exampels set them by the Dems. and Reps, tha waited 
meny years before trying thair hand's at the assassinashun 
biznes. J. Wilkes Booth, the assassin ov Linkun, woz a 
prominent Demokratik politishan and aktor and a pius Krist- 
chun ov the Katholik brand. He woz hired by prominent 
Republikan bankers and uther hi Republikan o-fnshals ov the 
Guvernment to murder Linkun, and thoze trators and arch- 
konspirators never kapchurd nor exekuted Booth, az tha told 
the pepel tha did. He haz livd abroad for about 20 years, 



134 MENTAL DINAMITE 

on a good salary furnishd him by theze Republikan bankers 
and thair pals, and then he returnd to the U. S. and traveld 
about from place to place and drifted out to Oklahoma wher 
he gru so sik ov life he suicided after making a ful and kom- 
plete konfeshun ov the foregoing fakts. And wot a kon> 
bind and deturmind effort the Republikan pres ov the U. S. 
made to ignore and belitel and diskredit the konfeshun ov 
Booth, the assassin and suicide. Wenever a purson makes 
a konfeshun ov sum revolting krime and then immediately 
kommits suicide, yu kan bet your last $ the konfeshun iz tru. 
Charles J. Guiteau woz a prominent Republikan politishan 
and a Methodist minister. The assassins ov Guv. Gobel wur 
al prominent Republikan politishans and State-ofhshals ov 
that state at the time ; tha wur also church-members and pius 
Kristchuns. And the pius kus hoo murderd Maor Harrison 
woz a Republikan politishan and a Kristchun. And the as- 
sassins ov Guv. Stunenburg, ov Idaho, ar al Republikans and 
pius Kristchuns. Yes, thare ar lots ov wurs pepel in this 
kuntry than the allejd "Aanarkists." 

659. A fu years ago a body ov wurking men wur peac- 
ably woking along the publik hi way near Latimer, Pa., wen 
a Republikan sherif and a gang ov hiz pals kame up behind 
them and brutaly murderd about 30 ov them in kold blud by 
shooting them in the bak. Theze wurkingmen wur unarmd 
and wur not violating eny laws. Theze murderers and as- 
sassins wur never punishd, bekoz tha had only exekuted the 
kriminal and unlawful orders ov thair kapitalist masters. 
And thouzands ov uther wurking men hav bin wilfuly and 
brutaly murderd at Homested, Chikago, Pana, Wardner, 
Idaho, Koloradb and varius uther places in this land ov al- 
lejd "liberty" and "prosperity." Theze thouzands ov brutal 
murders wur not kommited by "Anarkists," but by Repub- 
likans and Demokrats, and at the instignashun ov kapitalists. 
And the soljurs in the Fillipenes and China and Kuba, etc., 
hoo hav brutaly murderd thouzands ov innocent and helples 
pepel — men, wimen and children alike — wur not "Anark- 
ists," but Republikans and Demokrats hoom the kapitalists 
hired to butcher thoze pepel bekoz sed kapitalists wanted 
thair lands and industries. 98 per cent ov the kriminals in 
the prizons (thare ar about 175,000 ov them) ov the U. S. 
ar not "Anarkists, but Republicans and Demokrats. And 
ov the thouzands and thouzands ov bankers and publik offi- 
shals that hav abskonded with the pepel's muny and betraed 
thair trusts, not wun woz an "Anarkist," but the last onery 
welp ov them ar Republikans and Demokrats or uther minor 



MENTAL DINAMITE 135 

brands (az populists and prohibishunists) ov kapitalists. 
And al ov the tbouzands ov Negroes and wites hoo hav kom- 
mited the awful krimes ov rape and incest ar Republikans 
and Demokrats — no "Anarkists" amung the rapists and in- 
cestists ; and thare ar no "Anarkists" amung the thouzands 
ov retches hoo hav murderd thair wives for the inshuranc 
on thair lives — al such wur and ar yet Republikans and 
Demokrats. And if it wur necessary I kud extend this list 
indefinitely and pruve that more than 99 per cent ov al 
krimes hav bin kommited by Republikans and Demokrats — 
men hoo beleev in and' uphold the prezent kapitalist sistem 
ov loot and murder; neither hav I riten the foregoing az a 
defens ov Zolgos, (for I think he dezurvs to be exekuted for 
hiz horribel and uceles krime) but simply to sho the foly and 
absurdity ov the Pot going into kompound spazms ov horror 
bekoz its pal, the Ketel, iz a litel solid with soot. Konsist- 
ency iz a dimund, but the kapitalists hav no taste for that 
kind of a jem. 

660. Kiling a kriminal iz often necessary, but that wil 
not prevent uther kriminals from springing up in hiz place, 
for the simpel rezun that the exekushun ov the kriminal duz 
not remuve the kozes ov krime, and long az the kozes kon- 
tinu to operate, the krimes (wich ar only effekts) wil 
shurely appear; and the s.ame with weeds or disezes — long 
az the kondishuns ov the soil, temperachur, moistchur, etc., 
ar rijht for weeds, the weeds wil spring up, no matter how 
fast yu kut them down. And wen the kondishuns ov the 
animal body ar propishus for the development ov disezes, 
thoze disorders (patholojikal Anarkists) wil appear, med- 
icin or no medicin — nife or no nife. The only sukcesful way 
to get rid ov our kriminals iz to abolish the morbid soshal 
kondishuns that produc krime. Thare woz never a diseze 
without a koz for it, and likewize, thar kan be no krime 
without a koz to produc it. The kozes ov al krime ar the 
prezent kapitalist sistem ov the privet ownership ov the erth 
and its nachural resources, the industries ov the kuntry, pro- 
dukshun for profit, interest, rents and the waje-sistem-ov- 
slaverv. The publik or kollektiv ownership ov al theze 
things and thair operashun by al the pepel and in the in- 
terests ov al, iz a komplete remedy for al rong, mizery and 
krime ; but a remedy that wild realy abolish krime iz just wot 
the kapitalist looters don't want, for tha make a profit or 
rake of on every krime kommited. The more krime the fat- 
ter, finanshaly, the Republikans and Demokrats get and vice 
versa. Thare never woz a time wen krime woz so rampant 



136 MENTAL DINAMITE 

and retchednes so plentiful az at prezent, and thare never 
woz a time wen the kapitalists wur so prosperus az at prez- 
ent — Sept. 29, 1 901. Savy, eh? or kan't yu se thru a lader 
without assistenc? 

661. Az an exampel ov the "patriotizm" ov the kap- 
italists, just look at the way thoze pirates rob thair own guv- 
ernment for transporting the mails. The railroads charj 
Unkel Sam. 8 times more for hauling the mails than tha 
charj the expres kumpanies for the same survis, and 50 times 
az much as tha charj shipers for hauling thair murchandize. 
The Guvernment pays theze robers about $54,000,000 a year 
for hauling the mails, besides a rental ov $3,500,000 a year 
for the uce ov 500 postal kars. That makes an averaje ov 
$7,000 a year for each kar, and yet theze kars kan be bilt 
and equipd for $3,000 each, A postal kar lasts 20 years ; so, 
Unkel Sam. iz forcd to pay the enorrmis sum ov $140,000 
rent in 20 years for the uce ov a kar that he kud and shud 
hav bilt and ownd at a kost of $3,000. Yu must be blind in 
al fours if yu kan't se the "PATRIOTIZ M" stiking 
out ov theze transakshuns in every direkshuns ! And theze 
looters ar not "Anarkists," either, but good and pius Repub- 
likans and Demokrats the last wun ov them. How tha du 
luv the Guvernment — for wot tha kan filch out ov it ! It iz 
only thoze horrid "Anarkists" that don't like the Guvern- 
ment ! If this Guvernment wur onestly administerd by the 
whole pepel and in the interests ov the whole pepel, the postal 
rates kud be reducd to 1^, and stil the postoffis kud ern a 
profit each year. The postal rates ar much loer in England 
than in the U. S., and yet the English postoffis erns a big 
profit every year wile the Amerikan postoffis loozes several 
milyuns each year — simply on akkount ov the disonesty and 
hogish rapacity ov the Republikans and Demokrats hoo 
mismanaje it; but tha ar so bizy denouncing the awful "An- 
arkists" tha havn't time to reform themselvs and cece thair 
own kompound and endles villenies. 

662. Under the prezent sistem ov profit and loot, 
Humans ar bad from thair tail to thair snoot, 
And every da tha get wurs and sink loer, 
Wich makes the whole wurld sour and sore. 

663. Thoze hoo think I am tu hard on the Republikans 
and Demokrats, pleze read wot Maor Harrison, ov Chikago, 
sezs about the "City Kouncil" ov that city: "The City 
Kouncil iz steepd in krime and korrupshun. Not a week 
pases but thare ar krimes kommited' by aldermen ov Chi- 
kago wich ar kalkulated to make hardend men shuder and 



MENTAL DINAMITE 137 

ded men turn over in thair graves. It iz wtm ov the most 
korrupt lejislativ bodies in politikal history." Chikago Daly 
News, July, 1898. The abuv iz the hiest kapitalist authority, 
and the maor surtenly nu wherov he spoke or he wud never 
hav dared to make such a fearful charj. The only surpriz- 
ing thing about it iz that he had the nurv to squeal on hiz 
pals. And thare ar no "Anarkists" in that "City Kouncil," 
either, but al ov them ar good and pius Demokrats and 
standard Republikans — men the numskuls ov that city 
elekted to make "laws" for them! Just imajin wot sort ov 
"laws" such hibinders wud make ! And the city kouncils in 
every larj city ov the U. S. O. G. ar just az roten az the 
Chikago raskals, and the stench from wun ov thair seshuns 
iz enuf to koz eny self-respekting turkybuzard to take to 
the "Stokyards" in order to get the taste out ov its noze. 
And theze ar the saintly patriots that want the "Anarkists" 
exturminated bekoz wun ov thair faith kommited a plain, 
open and abuv-board murder in broad dalite. Al this froth- 
ing agenst the "Anarkists" by Demokratik and Republikan 
kriminals iz only anuther faze ov the old subterfuje ov the 
real theef joining the krowd that ar hunting for him, and 
shouting "stop, theef," louder than eny ov the uthers, and 
al for the purpus ov divurting attenshun from himself. And 
wile the sily chumps hav thair minds fixd on the awful "An- 
arkists," theze Demokratik and Republikan kriminals wil be 
kommiting krimes galore. 

664. Az evidenc ov how popular Saint McKinly woz with 
hiz own party, and wot mean boodlers the Republikans ar, 
just listen to this wail from Editor Edward Rosewater, ov 
the Omaha Daly Bee : "We had to buy offis-holders last 
year — kan yu imajin enything more disgraceful? The Na- 
shunal Kommittee had to send several thouzands ov dol- 
lars to Omaha to plakate men hoo held offis under YVilyum 
McKinly to support YVilyum McKinly. Most al ov them 
wur agenst the tiket. I had to notify Mark Hanna, and he 
sent a man out here. Theze felloes akcepted the boodel and 
refuzd to du enything for the tiket." Omaha Daly Bee, 
Sept. 26, 1 90 1. Wen an administrashun gets so roten and 
thuroly korrupt that Nebraska Republikans gag at it, and 
even refuze to du enything for the tiket after having ak- 
cepted boodel from that administrashun to support it, it iz 
time for the rest ov the raskals and boodlers to take to the 
woods and sta took. Just think ov the ineffabel meannes 
and diabolikal dejeneracy ov a man that wil akcept boodel 
to support hiz own party, and then not du so! And thoze 



138 MENTAL DINAMITE 

Nebraska boodlers ar not "Anarkists," either. Tha ar stand- 
ard Republikans and pius Kristchuns. I mijht go on and re- 
late the konfesd krimes and kompound villenies ov standard 
and akcepted Republikans and Demokrats, until I had fild a 
book ov a bilyun pajes, and each paje 13 bilyuns ov miles 
long and 19 decilyuns ov miles wide, and then not be fairly 
started. Wen it kums to al-around, and 49 inches to the 
yard and 37 karats fine, self-revursabel and rapid-firing and 
purpetchual-moshun diabolikal villeny and skoundrely ras- 
kality, the Demo-Republikan party iz the whole cheez and 
the box it kame in — and then a fu. I never fuly realize wot 
a paucity ov invektivs in the Iniglish langwidj until I at- 
tempt to rite about the kusednes ov that hybrid party ov sin, 
krime and unrijhtusnes ! 

665. Wen a man gets so bad that he wont assoshiate with 
himself eny longer thare'z sum hope for him; and that iz 
wy Chauncy Depu haz decided to get married'. By marry- 
ing a good wuman he wil thus be abel to eskape the society 
ov hiz wiked and windy old self, and wich may be the means 
ov reklaiming the hardend old batherskite ov a mouthpece 
ov the kapitalists. Enyway it wont dto the oily-tungd old 
kits eny harm, and he haz my best wishes and hiz wife my 
profoundest simpathy, for I opine that she wil need it in the 
Adjacent and Next Soon. 

666. Here iz sum very hi Kristchun evidenc from Bishop 
Potter, ov New York: "In my opinyun we shud be 
ashamed ov ourselvs for our tretement ov the Chineze. We 
hav trampeld upon thair most sakred tradishuns, we hav 
ridikuled and skofd at thair gods, we hav lafd at thair an- 
cestor-worship. Iz it eny wunder the Chineze hav rizen 
agenst us ? Our tretement ov the Chineze haz bin a disgrace 
to our relijun, and we shud despize ourselvs for it. We hav 
sent men over thare hoo ar savajes and hoo hav traild the 
name ov Krist in the dust." No, Bro. Potter, thare iz no 
wunder tha want to get rid ov us. Even the Devil himself 
wud invite us to hike out and sta hiked. If the Kristchuns 
had behavd themselvs over thare and had not injurd the 
Chineze, the latter wud not dezire to get rid ov them. The 
Chineze's feelings ov extreme hostility toward al Kristchuns 
iz the most pozitiv proof that the poor yello devils hav suf- 
erd great rongs at the hands ov sed Kristshuns. Tha wud 
never feel hostil toward a pepel hoo had treted them rijht. 
And theze Kristchun mishunaries hoo hav akted like savajes 
toward the Chineze ar not "Anarkists," but pius Kristchuns 
and standard Republikans and Demokrats. No, the "An- 



MENTAL DINAMITE 139 

arkists" wud not be guilty ov such savajery and ineffabel 
meannes. The so-koled "mishunaries" ar only kommurshal 
ajents for the kapitalists, and ar a durty, kowardly and hart- 
les gang ov grafters and pirates mskurading az "ministers- 
ov-God," etc., az if a Supreme Being needed eny "ministers" 
or representativs. The whole mizerabel and disonorabel biz- 
nes iz a kloak for masking the real krimes ov loot and plun- 
der that theze kapitalists karry on under the name ov "re- 
lijun." And az the Chineze ar next to the sly and disreputa- 
bel game it iz no wunder tha feel very bitter towards theze 
frebooters and bukkaneers. The foregoing quotashuns ar 
from a surmon that Bishop Potter deliverd in New Haven, 
Konn., Jan. 27, 1901. 

667. It iz quite uceles to send "mishunaries" abroad to 
"konvurt" the "hethens" wen thare ar more al yard and a 
wool wide hethens in this kuntry than in eny uther. We 
hav more murders pur kapita than eny uther kuntry on the 
fechurs ov the erth ; we excel them al in stealing, grafting, 
boodling and uther forms ov plain and ornamental theft ; we 
kan giv eny ov them hi, lo, jak and the game and then beat 
them of the Kristmas Bush on rapes, incest and wife-beat- 
ing; we kan also push them al of the trak wen it kums to 
divorces and wife-poizoning for inshuranc; and wen it kums 
to aborshuns we kan make them al look like 30 cents after 
a wuman haz bot an Easter outfit with it ; and wen it kums 
to suicide we ar the whole cheez and the box it kame in ; 
we also hav more dets pur kapita and our taxes ar hier than 
eny ov the uther dejenerates ; and in the industry ov seduk- 
shun, bastardy and "breach-ov-promis" we kan hold our own 
with both hands shut and wun ie tied behind us upside down ; 
and wen it kums to boozing and insanity we ar the fashun 
plate itself ; we also hav more doktors, medicins and disezes 
pur kapita than eny ov our krazy nabors : we murder and 
devour more karkases ov uther animals than eny ov the uther 
vultchurs : we also hav al the uther uncivilizd human brutes 
faded on law-suits, and wen it kums to yanking the 7th 
Kommandment gaily west we don't even konsider kompeti- 
shun at al ; we hav more and meaner milyunaires and uther 
korrupt and kowardly publik offishals and law-makers than 
eny ov our hethenish nabors; and wen it kums to olain and 
ornamental, freskoed, klasikal, aneshent, modern, medieval 
and 37 karat lying wy we wont even speak to eny wun that 
iz so ignorant ov our abilities in this line az to imajin that 
tha kud kompete with us. We waste more welth every year 
than eny uther nashun ov spendthrifts. O. I tel yu we ar 



140 MENTAL DINAMITE 

the real thing wen it kums to al-around kusednes and dia- 
bolikal foolishnes. We hav koled our krimes ' c Civilizashuri r 
for so long now we hav kum to beleev our own folchoods 
at last. Yes, a fu aktiv and kurajus "mishunaries" kud du a 
thriving biznes in this kuntry with it az a side-line along 
with a good stok ov booz, tobako and revolvers. Al our 
"foren mishunaries" kud find plenty ov wurk for 29 hours 
a da at home for the next fu bilyuns ov years trying to 
"save," "konvurt" and "civilize' 'thair roten, kowardly, bru- 
tal dekadent selvs ! 

668. The Amerikan sukers ship a bilyun dolars more ov 
goods out ov the United States every year than tha get bak,. 
and yet the kapitalist papers hav made the krazy jaes beleev 
tha ar geting the best ov it. Tha tel thair numskul readers 
that "wen our exports exceed our imports, we ar geting the 
best ov the bargen — that the "balane ov trade iz in our 
favor." And the papers in thoze foren kuntries to wich we 
export more than we get in return, also klaim that tha ar 
geting the best ov the trade; now, it iz imposibel for both 
kuntries to get the "best ov the bargen;" so, wun or the 
uther iz lying. The Amerikan papers in this instane ar the 
liars. How kan this kuntry get the "best ov the bargen" by 
shiping out ov the kuntry more goods than it gets bak in re- 
turn? If Smith trades Jones a hors wurth $100, 10 kows 
wurth $15 each, 100 hogs wurther $10 each, and in even ex- 
chanj for al ov theze gets from Jones a Shanghai rooster 
wurth 35c, how kud Smith posibly hav the best ov the trade ? 
If it iz to a kuntry's interest to hav its exports exceed its 
imports, then that kuntry wud be at the zenith ov its pros- 
perity wen it shipd away everything it producd and recevd 
nuthing in return. In that kace its exports wud exceed its 
imports to the greatest posibel extent. And it wont chanje 
the matter materialy to sa that this kuntry receves "muwy" — 
gold and silver — for the things it ships abroad, for the Sek- 
retary ov the U. S. trazhury sezs that we also> ship more gold 
and silver abroad every year than we import ; but suppoze 
we shipd everything we producd out ov this kuntry, and in 
exchanje for it recevd al the muny ov every kind in the 
wurld — wud we in that trade get the best ov the bargen? 
Wud we be eny beter of? Insted we wud al starv to deth 
by that kind ov a deal, for we kud not ete nor wear the kused 
muny. Al the muny in the wurld wud not be wurth a cent 
to us if thare wur nuthing else in the kuntry for wich we kud 
exchanje it. In such a kace it wud be so wurthles no wun 
wud karry it around with him'. Muny itself, pur se„ iz not 



MENTAL DINAMITE 141 

welth, but iz only a deed to welth — the same az a deed to a 
farm iz not the farm, and in and ov itself haz no valu. ' And 
if the paper deed to the farm got lost or destroyd, the farm 
wild stil be in existenc and ov az much valu az before the 
deed's destrukshun ; so, wen a kuntry exports its welth in 
the form ov food-produkts, klothing, masheenery, books, 
etc., and only gets "muny" in exchanje for this welth, that 
kuntry gets butifuly swindeld, for it haz thus traded a por- 
shun ov its welth for paper or metal deeds to the balanc ov 
its property or welth. Wy shud we trade of a porshun ov 
our property for deeds to the remainder ov our property 
wich we already hav iri our posseshun and to wich we need 
no deeds? and even if we did need eny more deeds to our 
property or welth, we kan ezily and cheaply make thoze 
deeds ourselvs and in our own kuntry ; and we kan make 
them on paper, metals, or on eny uther materials that suit 
our purpus or fancy. It iz very foolish, for instanc, to trade 
a bushel ov wheat for a wurthles bit ov metal or paper 
koled a "dollar," wen that same bushel ov grain, or its equiv- 
alent in uther things, wud make thouzands ov thoze "dol- 
lars." Wot the pepel ov the United States ov Graft pa the 
kapitalists each munth for the uce ov muny, wud make enuf 
muny to du the whole wurld a iooo years. How foolish to 
giv up $10,000,000,000 wurth ov welth each year for the uce 
ov about $1,700,000,000 "dolars," wen that amount ov 
"muny" kud be made for a fu thouzands ov welth ! Wy 
kontinu to pay such enormus sums for the "uce" ov "muny" 
— sumthing that iz ezily and cheaply made? Simply bekoz 
the wiked kapitalists dezire to liv without producing wot 
tha konsume, and in order to du that wiked and kriminal 
thing tha hav goten up the muny and uther swindels — such 
az profits, rents, taxes, fees for allejd survises, etc. The 
Soshalists ar the only wuns hoo ar intelijent and onest enuf 
to want to du away with "muny" and al uther swindels ; so, 
if yu ar oppozd to swindels and swindlers quit voting for 
the parties and pepel hoo ar in favor ov thoze inikwities and 
hoo liv by such kowardly and disreputabel methods. Vote 
the Soshalist tiket, for that iz the only way yu kan remedy 
al evils and injustis. 

669. Smith and Jones ar naboring farmers, and Smith 
haz raizd a 1000 bushels ov wheat more than he and hiz 
family kan konsume. During the same time Jones haz raizd 
a thouzand dolars wurth ov katel, hogs, sheep, horses, etc. 
more than he needs. Tha wish to exchanje, for Jones hazn't 
az much wheat az he needs, and Smith iz a litel shy on live 



142 MENTAL DINAMITE 

stok. How du tha effekt the exchanje? Wy, in this foolish 
and disonorabel wa koled "biznes\" Smith ships hiz wheat 
to Ingland and trades it to sum foren kapitalist for a iooo 
metal deeds (koled "muny" to fool the pepel) to Jones' 
horses, katel, hogs and sheep. Smith brings bak with him. 
nuthing but theze metal deeds on gold, and wen he gets 
home he goes over to hiz nabor's place, and with theze 
golden deeds, he skoops in Jones' horses, katel, sheep and 
hogs, and in thair place he leves the thozand gold-deeds he 
got from the foren kapitalist in exchanje for hiz good, nu- 
trishus wheat. Smith takes the animals home with him. 
The trade iz now konsummated — Smith haz Jones' horses, 
katel, hogs and sheep, but poor Jones hasn't got Smith's 
wheat and never wil get it, for the foren kapitalist haz eten 
it. Wei, wher duz Jones kum in, yu may ask? Wy, he 
takes thoze iooo gold-deeds he got from hiz nabor Smith 
and skoops in a thouzand dolars wurth ov Brown's property, 
and the later uzes them to make Green kof up, and Green 
sanbags Blak with them, and so on ad infinitum. And thoze 
infurnal gold-deeds wil be uzd by fool Amerikans indefi- 
nitely to rob each uther with, wile the foxy foren kapitalist 
lafs in hiz sleev at the sily sukers, and groes fat and sleek 
on thair good wheat and uther nutrishuns produkts wich 
tha produc and he konsumes. "Muny" iz only a burglar's 
tool and woz goten up espeshaly for thair own pekuleyur 
uce by the kapitalistik-litefingerd-j entry. This kuntry wil be 
a thouzand bushels ov wheat poorer until an equol amount 
ov wheat or uther property or welth ov equol valu iz brot 
bak here. Soshalizm wil render al such wasteful and foolish 
transakshuns imposibel. 

670. Thoze "Gold-Standard" numskuls hoo beleev that 
gold haz an "intrinzik valu," wil du wel to think over the 
folloing for a fu bilyuns ov years, and tha may posibly get 
a sound and lojikal idea in thair purverted and disezd minds : 
If gold-muny haz a real "intrinzik" value and iz welth, the 
more a purson had ov it the welthier he shud be, akkording 
to thair diabolikal unlojik. Wel, let us analize that folchood 
and se if it wil hold woter. Folchoods ar leaky things at 
best, and this "intrinzik-valu" folchood iz so very thin and 
porus it wont even hold kobs let alone woter. Suppoze that 
every human being on this planet shud kum into posseshun 
ov a milyun dolars in gold koin, and each koin woz stampd 
by every guvernment on erth az "legal-tender" muny for "al c 
purpuses," wud each individual thus possesd be wurth a 
milyun dolars? Wud tha al be rated az milyunaires and 



MENTAL DINAMITE 143 

taxd akkordingly ? How much food, klothing, land and 
uther property kud tha buy with thair "intrinzik-valu" and 
"legal-tender" muny ? Az a matter ov f akt, if such a thing 
shud hapen, the most ov the dam-fools wud starv to deth be- 
fore it dawnd on thair allejd minds that tha wur al paupers, 
and that thair milyun in gold woz utterly wurthles. In the 
furst place it wud be imposibel to buy enything, for every 
wun wud want to buy insted ov sel, and also it wud be im- 
posibel to get eny wurk dun, for if every wun had; a milyun 
in gold he wud konsider himself tu rich to wurk, but insted 
he wud want to "hire" uthers to wurk for him — to wait on 
him and surv him in varius meneyel kapacities ; wy, yu 
kudn't even get a shine or a meal kookd or survd, for hoo 
wud du such durty and slavish wurk if he had a milyun in 
gold? Yu kud not get a konduktor or enjineer to run a 
train. Wy, yu kudn't get eny kind ov wurk dun — unles it 
woz dun for luv or for sum other konsiderashun than thoze 
wurthles gold dolars. Yu kudn't bild eny railroads, ships, 
houses, bridjes, etc. with thoze "gold-standard" dolars; 
neither kud yu get eny klothes, shues, woches nor enything 
else made. Yu kudn't get eny worshing dun, either. Yu 
kudn't get eny koal mined nor wood sawd; neither kud yu 
get eny uther metals mined. Yu kudn't even get a justis or 
minister to marry yu, for if tha al had a milyun each in gold 
tha wud not purform eny survis for anuther, however slite ; 
neither kud yu hire aktors and muzishans to entertain yu, for 
your gold with wich yu wud hav to pay them wud not be 
dezired by them for the simpel rezun tha already had a mil- 
yun ov it and from the futher fakt that tha kud not buy eny- 
thing with it ; wy, yu kudn't even get a glas ov beer, for no 
wun wud make or sel it if he had a milyun in gold. Yu 
kudn't even hire firemen to extingwish a fire at your hous, 
if yu expekted to pay them with sum ov thoze "legal-tender- 
gold-standard-dolars" that the Republikans sa hav real "in- 
trinzik-valu." Sony, yu'd be up agenst the real old thing if 
such a dire kalamity wur ever to befol the human-race. Wy, 
thoze "good," ''sound" and "onest" dolars the Republikans 
hav prated so much about wud be so utterly uceles and valu- 
les, if every wun had a milyun ov them, no wun wud karry 
them around ; wy, yu kudn't even giv them away. Wot 
makes muny valuabel iz the fakt that yu kan exchanje it for 
uther things that hav real or intrinzik valu. And the so- 
koled "kounterfit" muny iz just az "good" and "valuabel" 
az eny uther so long az the dam-fools don't noe that it iz 
"kounterfit." Soon az the chumps noe that it iz "kounterfit" 
tha refuze to akcept it, and that refusal iz al that renders it 



144 MENTAL DINAMITE 

vaiules; and if tha refuzd to akcept the so-koled "jenuin" 
muny, it wud bekum quite az vaiules az its twin-pal, the 
awful "kounterfit. And this explains wy the kapitalist law- 
makers hav made "kounterfiting" such a serius offens, for 
tha wel understand that wen muny bekums plentiful like the 
autum leevs, and everywun iz fre to make it for himself, it 
wud be az vaiules az those same Septober leevs, wich also 
pruves that muny in and ov itself haz no real valu — it.iz the 
skarcity ov the thing and the fakt that the kapitalists hav 
rezurvd unto themselvs the monopoly ov making it and hav 
buldozd the rest ov the chumps into revering and worshiping 
it and akcepting it without eny questshun. If the chumps 
ov wurkers shud al get thair ies opend and refuzd to akcept 
this "jenuin" muny the kapitalists print and pom of on them 
in exchanj for thair survises and property, the sed kapital- 
ists wud hav to take of thair sleevs, rol up thair koats and 
go to wurk and produc sum, real welth to exchanj e for the 
things tha needed and wich tha did not or kud not produc. 
And that iz just wot wil hapen wen the Soshalists kum into 
power and direkt and manaje the industries ov the kuntry. 
The parasites and shurkers wil then be unabel to flim-flam 
the wurkers out ov thair produkts with such diabolikal bur- 
glar tools az "muny," "interest," rents," "profits" and 
"taxes." 

671. Wen the hipokritikal and disonest Republikans uze 
the turms "g-ood-muny," "sound-vcmny" and "ow£\st-muny," 
tha simply mean skarc muny, for that iz wot tha dezire. 
Theze raskaly vilens want to keep the amount ov 
muny in surkulashun so smol that the pepel wil thus 
be forcd to "borro" muny ov them and pay them an 
enormus "interest" for the uce ov it. This iz also wy 
tha wanted Unkel Sam to "go out ov the banking 
biznes," az tha deceptivly koled the Guvernment ishu 
and kontrol ov our surkulating medium. Theze vile and 
soulles skunks ov purdishun hav bribd the guvernment offi- 
shals (thair pals) to turn the ishuing and kontrol ov al muny 
over to them, so tha kan uze that mijhty power for exploit- 
ing the pepel and enriching themselvs. Tha kan now keep 
the amount ov muny so skarc that the pepel wil be kompeld 
to "borro" from them al the time. The fool pepel wil now 
hav to pay "interest" on al the muny that iz ishued. Long 
az the Guvernment printed and koind the muny, the pepel 
did not hav to pay the bankers "interest" for the uce ov it, 
until after the raskaly bankers and uther muny-sharks had 
kornerd it ; but now, sine the bankers hav the kontrol ov its 



MENTAL DINAMITE 145 

ishu, the pepel wil hav to pay them interest on al ov it from 
the start, and then agen after thoze diabolikal skunks and 
helborn imps hav kornerd it. Al muny that iz now printed 
or koind in the U S. iz given (fre ov charj) by the Guvern- 
ment to the bankers, and the guvernment pays theze vult- 
churs interest for akcepting this fre muny, and then tha, the 
bankers, loan and re-loan it to the dear chumps hoo "vote- 
er-strate" and beleev in "standing-pat" and "leting-wel- 
enuf-alone." I don't blame the bankers and thair pals for 
wanting to "let-wel-enuf-alone," for if ever a gang ov hi- 
waymen had a soft thing tha ar the fortchunate wuns ; but 
just think ov the fool wurkers voting for such an arranje- 
ment ! It iz enuf to make a redhot iron shiver with the kold 
and have chilblanes ov the soul. O ! but it iz a great skeme 
for theze blaklegs and frebooters ! No wunder tha think the 
kuntry iz "prosperus !" Ofkours tha ar "the kuntry." But 
then it survs the numskuls rijht for voting such unhung 
skoundrels into power. It wil only be a litel wile longer un- 
til sum smart kus wil diskuver a process for "konnering" the 
atmusfere, and then theze enterprizing kapitalists wil buy 
up the invenshun and 1 fore the rest ov us to pay tribute for 
the uce ov the air ; and it wudn't be eny more wiked and un- 
just than to kompel us to pay the kapitalists tribute for the 
uce ov the erth, in the form ov land-rents, az iz now being 
dun. The land iz just az essenshal to life az the air, and it 
iz just az fre a gift from our great Almuther, Nachur, az iz 
the atmusfere. Yes, it iz just az much ov a krime to fore 
pepel to pay tribute for the uce ov the erth to liv on, az it 
wud be to levy a tribute on them for the uce ov air. Soshal- 
izm wil make the erth and al its resources the heritaje ov 
al, az Nachur intended it to be. 

6/2. Wen yu pay haf ov wot yu produc on a farm az 
"rent'' for the uce ov the farm, yu ar wurking haf your time 
fre for the kus hoo "owns" the place. In such a kace yu ar 
hiz slave haf the time — and yet yu ar fool enuf to vote the 
same tiket he duz. Yes, yu mizerabel donkys, yu have voted 
this infurnal sistem ov waje-slavery on yourselvs, and the 
only way yu kan get it of iz to vote it of — the same simpel 
proces by which you got it on yourselvs ; and the way to vote 
it of iz to vote only the Soshalist tiket and du wot yu kan to 
enliten uthers hoo ar yet az big a fool az you ucd to be. 

673. Wen yu depozit your muny in the banks for "safe 
keeping," yu hav to pay the bankers interest on that muny. 
and yet yu ar such an infurnal joke on yourself and on al 
humanity yu don't noe it. Yu hav bin led to beleev that he 



146 MENTAL DINAMITE 

takes kare ov it for yu fre ov charj, but that iz bekoz yu ar 
a very vurdant donky and kan't think. He loans that muny 
ov yours over and over agen to the "biznes men" and uther 
sukers he haz in hiz klutches. For exampel, Mr. Smith iz 
kondukting a grocery store in your town, and yu purchase 
your groceries from him ; wel, Smith iz hard up and haz to 
"borro" muny from the bank to pay hiz rent or to meet sum 
uther obligashun that iz du and kan't be evaded nor put of 
eny longer. Smith wil hav to pay about 2 per cent a munth 
(24 per cent a year) for the uce ov that muny. The muny 
the banker "loand" to Smith woz the same muny a numskul 
ov your size and name deposited thare for "safe keeping." 
Wel, the "interest" Smith haz to pay for that muny ov 
"yours" he borroed from the "banker" wil be added by the 
sed Smith to the kost price ov hiz goods, and the seling price 
ov thoze same goods wil be "markd up" akkordingly, and a 
fly chump ov your size and name that "haz muny in the 
bank" wil hav to pay that interest by paying just that much 
more for al yu buy ov Mr. Smith ; so yu se that Smith gets 
the uce ov "your" muny and yu ar the swift gi that pays 
Smith's interest to the banker for the uce ov your own muny. 
O ! no, sony, thare ar no flies on yu ! Yu ar a swift mortal — 
in al that goes to make up a plain and unchanjeabel fool 1 
Wy flies wudn't even soar over the same town yu liv in for 
fear the stench from your dekaing brain wudl giv them dif- 
theria and septisemia. Nearly every biznes man in town haz 
to borro muny from the banks, and the interest he haz to 
pay tharefor iz invariably added to the seling price ov hiz 
goods, and yu hav to help pay it every time yu buy enything 
from them ; and then tha uze this muny ov "yours" to buy 
lejislashun agenst your interests and agenst the interests ov 
al the uther wurkers and onest pepel in the kuntry. And 
wen yu try to get a chunk ov much needed lejislashun the 
bankers' paid "loby" ar on hand to defeat yu. And al such 
"lobies" ar maintaind with "your" muny that yu left with 
them for "safe keeping" in uther wurds, brainles mortals, 
yu furnish theze raskaly bankers the means to rob yu and 
keep yu thair slaves. Tha ar az kuning az yu ar stupid and 
that'z saing a hel ov a lot ! Depozit your muny in the post- 
offis and it wil be safe and yu wont hav to pay interest on it 
wile uthers ar uzing it. How kan yu depozit it in the post- 
oflis ? wy, simply buy muny-orders payabel to yourself and at 
your own home postoffls, and then wen yu want eny muny 
simply go to the postoffis and kash a muny-ord'er. Theze 
orders ar always good and wil kost yu but a smol amount ; 
or, if yu hav larj amounts and don't want to pay for the 



MENTAL DINAMITE 147 

• 
muny-order, get your muny in larj bils — fifties, hundreds or 
thouzand dolar bils and put theze in a larje envelop or uther 
pakaje and rejister the leter and addres it to yourself. The 
rejisterd leter wil hav to be renewd wunc a month, but that 
only kosts 8c, or a total ov 96c for a year, and yu kan safely 
keep hundreds ov thouzands in this way. Wotever yu du 
with your muny, don't let the bankers hav it to gambel with 
and to loan to your nabors. 

674. Wen karpenters and uther wurking men bild a store 
or hous for sum Capitalist in thair town, tha hav to pay rent 
on that bilding long az tha rezide thare, and yet tha don't 
get to liv in nor uze sed bildings either. How iz that ? Very 
simpel: Jones rents the bilding from the kapitalist hoo 
"oivns" it, and puts a stok ov goods in it ; now, Jones ads the 
rent to the seling price ov hiz goods, and wenever the wurk- 
men hoo konstrukted that bilding buy enything from him 
tha help pay that rent; so, under the prezent insane and 
kriminal sistem ov the privet ownership ov bildings, every 
wun that labor erekts bekums a purpetchual burden on the 
laborers hoo bilt it. Wot a wize and butiful sistem that 
forces the wurkers to pay rent for al the bildings tha erekt 
and uthers uze. And theze same wurkers hoo ar eturnaly 
skind by the sistem ar its most enthuziastik supporters and 
wil holler themselvs hoars in hurrahing for the exploiters 
hoo profit by such a damnabel sistem ov loot and murder. 
And it iz the same with the dweling hous that Jones okku- 
pies — he ads the rent ov it, hiz taxes and al hiz uther ex- 
penses, to the seling price ov hiz wares, and hiz kustumers 
pay it by giving more for the goods than tha wud utherwize 
hav to pay ; so ever new bilding that labor erekts for a kap- 
italist bekums anuther and a purpetchual burden on labor's 
bak ; but then the tallies donkys like it and wudn't be hapy 
a minet if thare wur no drones to ride them and keep them 
properly blinded and skind. That iz wy the fetherles geec 
keep rijht on voting for the kapitalists and thair infurnal 
sistem ov homicide, suicide, prostitushun and loot. 

675. Thare ar 3 times in life wen a purson's ekcentrik 
and foolish kondukt iz semi-exkuzabel — wen he iz drunk, 
wen he iz in luv and wen he iz krazy. At al uther times he 
iz expekted to keep hiz trolly untwisted, stik to hiz orbit with 
an old-fashund, muzel-loading, orthodox adhezhun, support 
hiz own wife, likwidate hiz bils wen due and mind hiz own 
biznes. 

EXTENUATING SURKUMSTANCES. 

676. Jak Long Leggs had just bin arrested, brot bak and 



148 MENTAL DINAMITE 

arraned on a charj ov "jumping-hiz-board-bil" at the 
FROGLEG INN. "Your Onor," sed the prosekuting at- 
turny, "az the prizoner at the bar haz admited hiz gilt it wil 
not be necessary for me to waste my time and breth making 
a speech agenst him ; tharfore, the State klozes its kase and 
turns the retch over to the tender murcies ov Your Onor for 
sentenc." Hiz Onor: "Mr. Leggs, hav yu enything to sa for 
yourself before sentenc iz pasd upon yu?" quietly and po- 
litely inquired Hiz Onor ov the "prizoner- at-the-bar." 
"Nuthin' much, Yer Onor, only the onery kiyote that runs 
that yar place koled ther "FROGLEG INN," fed me on 
nuthin' but frogs legs and runin' woter fur a munth, and that 
kind ov er diet wud make eny kriter feel like jumpin' an 
runin', and az thar warn't nuthin' else for me to jump but 
my bo'rd bil, I kalkylated that I wuz justyfied in jumpin' 
that," quietly obzurvd Mr. Leggs with an ironikal lojik that 
woz overpowerin'. "Mr. Leggs," smilingly replied Hiz Onor, 
"your kondukt woz entirely exkuzabel under the surkum- 
stances, and it givs me plazhur to onorably discharj yu from 
kustody and exonerate yu from al blame, and at the same 
time asses the kost ov this trial on the redheded hyena hoo 
kondukts the aforesed FROGLEG INN, for upon twu okka- 
zhuns in the Near and Adjacent Gone it woz my misfortchun 
to be quorterd at that silurian hostelry for a kupel ov weeks." 

677. The kapitalists and thair durty mouthpeces like to 
point out the fakt that the postal sistem iz not "paing ex- 
penses." Wei, wot if it izn't? Neither iz the Publik Skool 
Sistem "paing expenses ;" and the Army and Navy and Fire 
Departments dunot "pay expense," either; but iz that eny 
rezun wy we shud turn thoze industries over to privet kap- 
italists to be uzd by them to enrich themselvs at the expens 
ov the pepel ? Thoze hyenish-buzards hav tu meny ways ov 
exploiting the dear pepel now. And the only rezun the post- 
orlis don't pay expenses with the vast-revenu it yields iz be- 
:koz the privet grafters hoo ar in charj ov it ar runing it 
solely in the interests ov themselvs and thair pals — the uther 
"kapitalists. The privet kapitalists hoo "own" the railroads 
•charj the Guvernment 20 times tu much for hauling the 
mails, simply bekoz thair frends, relativs and pals hav kom- 
plete kontrol ov every department ov the Guvernment, and 
tha rob the Guvernment on every hand and put it away in 
thair own kapashus pokets. Then the kapatalists send thair 
mail fre wich kozes an immens deficit in the postal revenues. 
If the postal survis woz realy kondukted ones'tly and at kost 
in the interest ov al the pepel az it shud be, the postaje rates 



MENTAL DINAMITE 149 

kud be reducd ioo pur cent and stil it wud pay al its ex- 
penses out ov its own revenues. Theze raskaly kapitalists ar 
anxshus to make every soshalist department ov the Guvern- 
ment a failyur in order to gain kontrol ov thoze departments 
themselvs. Tha ar hel-bent on "owning" and kontroling 
everything on erth, and the dear pepel "be damd" iz thair 
motto. But the poor blind and selfish fools ar only making 
ropes for thair own snakish neks, and after a whole lot more 
sufering at thair hand's the stupid wurking donkys wil apply 
thoze ropes. It iz the policy ov the kapitalists to get kontrol 
ov every publik institushun and mismanaje it and rek it, and 
then make the fool pepel beleev that its failyur woz entirely 
due to the fakt that it woz a publik institushun insted ov a 
privet wun; and in this way theze slimy and trecherus tra- 
tors hope to induce the pepel to turn the post-ofns, publik 
skools, army, navy, etc. over to them. It iz a great skeme 
on the part ov the looters, but the Soshalists wil defeat it by 
thuroly expozing it. 

678. The assassinashun ov Wilyum McKinly woz a 
kruel, uceles and kold'-bluded murder for wich thare iz no 
exkuce, and Zolgos dezurvs to di for it, but then he didn't 
shoot hiz viktim in the bak from ambush az did the Re- 
publikan state-offishals ov Kentuky wen tha assassinated 
Guv. Wilyum Gobel ov that state. Like kowards and kurs 
tha shot him from ambush and then fled to Indiana wher tha 
nu tha wud find asilum and sukor from thair politikal pal, 
Guv. Darbin, ov the Hoozher-state. Durbin's exkuce for 
sheltering theze redhanded murderes iz that our jury sistem 
iz so defektiv and korrupt tha wud not receve a fair trial in 
the Blugras-state if he deliverd them up to that Kingdom ov 
Booz and Fine horses. If our defektiv jury sistem woz good 
enuf to try Getto, Pendergast and Zolgos by, it shurely iz 
plenty good enuf for Republikan bushwakers hoo didn't hav 
the kuraje to attakt thair viktim from the frunt and in the 
open and abuv-board. Tha ar a prity lot ov skunks to froth 
about "Anarkists !" 

679. The Kristchuns ar duing a lot ov wailing and nash- 
ing-ov-teeth bekoz wun ov thair purswazhun, Mis Helen 
Stone, haz bin kapchurd by Bulgarian bandits and held by 
thoze enterprizing Kapitalists for $110,000 ransum, wich 
hur friends and relijus pals ar trying to raiz. Thoze bandits 
ar not "Anarkists," either, but staunch beleevers in the prez- 
ent sistem ov robery and loot, only tha kling to the aneshent 
way ov praktising it, insted ov adopting the modern meth- 
ods ov "interest," "rents" and "profits." The dispatches hav 



150 MENTAL DINAMITE 

stated that hur kaptors hav treted hur kindly and kurteusly 
and hav gratified hur every wish with the wun excepshun 
ov liberating hur. Mis Stone iz a "mishunary" and like al 
pursons ov hur ilk, haz made hurself obnokshus to the Turk- 
ish and Bulgarian pepel by trying to fore hur relijun and 
politiks upon them. Theze mishunary kranks (advanc- 
ajents ov the kapitalists) ar trying to overthro the relijus, 
politikal and soshal laws and kustums ov thoze kuntries, 
and hav goten themselvs in trubel thareby, and now tha 
want this kuntry to go to expens and trubel ov helping them 
out. It iz not a lejitimate funkshun ov this guvernment to 
help its citizens out ov skrapes tha get themselvs into by vio- 
lating the laws and kustums ov uther kuntries. Tha shud be 
at home and engajed in sum onorabel and uceful okupashun 
and then tha wud not get into trubel abroad. And wen tha 
du travel or so j urn in uther kuntries tha shud hav the 
kurtesy and decency to behave themselvs and not infrinje 
the laws and amenities ov thoze kuntries. Thoze "hethens" 
hav repeatedly told our "mishunaries" tha don't want our 
"relijun" nor uther kustums, (for tha think thair own iz 
beter) and if our "mishunaries" had eny ov the instinkts ov 
jentelnes and good-breeding, or if tha wur only wun tenth 
civilizd, tha wud not make themselvs obnokshus and intoler- 
abel by pursisting in being a nusanc. And if thoze so-kold 
"hethens" kame to this kuntry and made themselvs obnok- 
shus and intolerabel by violating our laws and frakchuring 
our kustums, our "mishunaries" and uther Kristchuns wud 
be the furst wuns to mob them. Tha wud be treted far more 
harshly than our medlers hav bin treted abroad. Unkel Sam 
shud let them get out ov thair own skrapes, for if he helpd 
them that wud be helping to establish thair relijun, and that 
iz wot the U. S. Konstitushun expresly forbids. Wen for- 
eners kum to this kuntry and get themselvs into trubel by 
outrajing our laws, wud thair governments be justified in 
sending worships here to help them out ov thair skrapes? 
Most asshuredly not; and the same with Mis Stone and al 
uther Amerikans hoo go abroad and get into trubel by in- 
surting thair medelsum nozes into uther pepel's affairs and 
raizing hel jeneraly. Tha shud behave themselvs or else be 
game enuf to abide by the konsequences ov thair rong-duing. 
Thoze "hethens" wud not dislike the "mishunaries" if the 
latter behaved themselvs and did not injure the "hethens." 
The whole "mishunary" biznes iz a fraud and swindel — a 
kommurshal enterprize kondukted under the gize ov "re- 
lijun," and for the purpus ov opening up "new markets" for 
shody goods and adulterated and poizoned food-stufs, etc. 



MENTAL DINAMITE 151 

It iz a kapitalist enterprize and shud be abolishd root and 
branch. It iz a jucy pece ov piratikal hypokrisy. 

680. During the furst week in Oktober, 1901, an abduk- 
shun krime woz puld of in the good old pius and Kristchun 
Republikan city ov Filadelfya, Pa. that makes the "Bul- 
bar ian-abdukshun" look like a plugd penny after paing a 
munths hotel bil with it at a sumer-rezort-hotel." And this 
hihanded and kowardly outraje woz not kommited by "Bul- 
garian bandits" nor by thoze awful "Anarkists," either, but 
by standard Kristchuns and Republikans. Thre ov theze 
Filadelfya bandits wur newspaper men employd on the Re- 
publikan and kapitalist dalies, and the uther Republikan and 
Kristchun kus iz a hitoned barber. Tha did not kapchur a 
mishunary from sum foren kuntry hoo woz making hurself 
obnokshus to us by trying to overthro our institushuns. She 
woz a welthy, quiet and wel-behaved magdalene. Tha forc- 
ably abdukted hur and held hur a prizoner in an old and 
isolated elektrik-lite plant from Tuzeda afternoon to Frida 
evening without food or drink. Theze Amerikan and Krist- 
chun bandits took al hur muny and juelry from hur and then 
kompeld hur to sine cheks for al the muny she had in the 
banks. A fu daes later wun ov theze bandits woz kapchurd 
by the polece and he konfesd the whole outraje and gave the 
names and addresses ov hiz pals, hoo wur soon apprehended. 
Wen arrested tha wur wearing thair viktim's dimunds and 
riting skathing denouncments ov the Bulgarian j entry for 
kapchuring Mis Stone. And with thair dimund-bedekd 
hands tha wur abel to rite sum very hot and frothy drivel 
about the hated "Anarkists!" Just think ov the brutal in- 
humanity ov keeping thair viktim 3 daes and 3 nites without 
food or drink! How diferently the "hethen" Bulgarians 
treted thair viktim ! It iz uceles to tok and draw kompar- 
isons between kriminals, for thare ar nun that kan begin to 
kompare with Kristchuns and Republikans for insane fero- 
city, brutal diaboliknes and kowardly kruelty and hanus de- 
pravity. Tha ar the real thing, al krime and a life-wide. 
Tha had a mok-trial before sum ov thair pals, mis-named 
"judjes," and let of with a smol fine wich tha paid with the 
muny tha stole from thair viktim. This iz Amerikan and 
Kristchun justis in the United States ov Graft, and in the 
20th century. And I hav not yet seen a Republikan nor 
Kristchun paper that haz published wun wurd ov denuncia- 
shun agenst the Filadelfya outraje. It takes al thair time 
and space to froth at the "Anarkists and drivel over the 
Bulgarian affair. It iz no wunder the "hethens" ov uther 



152 MENTAL DINAMITE 

lands feel like murdering our hypokritikal mishunaries wen 
tha go abroad and hav the extreme and iron-koated nurv to 
try and fore "our civilizashun'' on them in order to "save 
thair souls T 

68 1. If "Man's inhumanity to man haz made kountles 
milyuns mourn," wot haz hiz inhumanity to wimen akkom- 
plishd? And then just pauz and shudder to think wot wu- 
man's inhumanity to hur own sex haz wrot ! 

682. The Chikago Rekord ov Nov. 18, 1898, sezs in 
speaking ov poverty in New York state: "It iz almost in- 
kredibel, but I hav the offishal reports for my authority, 
3,800,000 pursons recevd assistance or releef from the varius 
charitabel assosiashuns ov New York state last year. Pau- 
perizm haz groen to such an extent that the enormus sum ov 
$103,384,554 iz now invested in thair behaf in that state." 
And the Chikago Rekord iz a good standard Republikan 
paper and iz wun ov the staunch mouth-peces and supporters 
ov the McHannafelt-administrashun, and pursists in teling 
its numskul readers that the "kuntry" iz dizzy with "pros- 
perity." It shurely looks that way in the Empire-state wher 
more welth iz akkumulated than in eny ov the uther states. 
The whole populashun ov New York state at that time woz 
les than 6,000,000 ov inhabitants ; so, we hav the offishal sta- 
tistiks that more than haf ov them ar paupers. Wunderful 
brand ov "prosperity!" And the Empire-state haz always 
bin in the hands and under the exklusiv management ov the 
Republikan and Demokratik kapitalists. Al its laws hav bin 
made, interpreted and administerd by Kristchun-kapitalists 
— Republikans and Demokrats. The awful "Anarkists" had 
nuthing wotever to du with runing the old shebang. And 
then lots ov pepel ar ignorant enuf to blame the "Anarkists" 
for wanting to destroy such an aborshun and kancerus in- 
sanity az the prezent kapitalist regime; and the awful So- 
shalists ar krazy for even imajing that tha kud get up a*beter 
form uv guvernment. Wy ofkours every body iz krazy or a 
krank hoo dezires to hav eny impruvements made in our 
soshal sistem. It iz pozitivly trezunabel to even think ov 
chanjing the kondishuns that produc such wunderful and 
wide-spread "PROSPERITY!" It suits the kapital- 
ists and tha ar the "Ku n t r y !" 97 pur cent ov the pepel in 
New York City ar renters — du not own a home ; and more 
than 75 pur cent ov the pepel ov the United States ov Graft 
ar renters — homeles. The "Advanc Ajent"'haz surtenly bin 
humping himself in the Empire-state. Tedv the Terribel 
MOUTH shud rite a leter on HOME SUICIDE!" Tust 



MENTAL DINAMITE 153 

think ov the Klondike and kanned-beef-nurv ov eny Big 
Mouth hoo wud rite a leter and advize a race ov paupers and 
renters to go into the breeding biznes on an alopathik skale t 
But then thare iz no insanity or krime to great for a kapi- 
talist to evade. 

683. The folloing statistiks from a hi kapitalist authority 
wil giv my readers a slite idea ov the utter failyur ov kapi- 
talist methods in dealing with disezes and prezurving the 
helth ov the pepel. Dr. J. H. Kellog, hed ov the greatest 
sanitarium in the wurld at Battel-Kreek, Michigan, pre- 
zented the folloing to the Internashunal Chatauqua Allianc : 
"In 50 years insanity, idocy, epilepsy and kancer hav in- 
kreced 300 pur cent ; Brite's Diseze, 500 pur cent and dia- 
betes 1500 pur cent." And doktors and Medicin Men hav 
inkreced in about the same rasho. Al kapitalist methods, no 
matter in wot department ov life, ar absolutely rong and ar 
an utter failyur in praktis and produc litel else than in- 
sanity, poverty, krime and retchednes. The Doktor-Biznes 
iz a powerful and wel organizd and "legalizd" TRUST, 
and like al uther privet enterprizes it iz run entirely in the 
interests ov its members ; in uther wurds, it iz run or kon- 
dukted in the way that wil yield its members the most profit; 
and to make the most profit out ov the Doktor-Biznes the 
pepel must be kept sik and disezd az much az posibel, for it 
iz only wile tha ar sik that the Doktor-Trust kan squeez 
muny out ov them ; so, yu se it iz to the interest ov this di- 
abolikal trust to promote disezes and rapid breeding in order 
to make "biznes good." The Doktor-Biznes shud be chanjd 
into a publik funkshun and sientifikaly kondukted at kost 
and in the interests ov al the pepel, insted ov being allowd 
to be run az a privet graft by a lot ov ignorant charlatans. 
But to abolish the Doktor-Trust and establish and kondukt a 
publik Helth Department in the interests ov al the pepel, az 
it shud be kondukted, wud necesitate the abolishun ov al the 
uther trusts and privet grafts; in short, it wud require the 
entire Soshalist program or Ko-operativ-Komonwelth, and 
that iz sumthing the grafters (biznes pepel) wil oppoze ta 
the last ditch. But long az the prezent sistem ov loot and 
graft kontinues, the Doktor or Medikal Trust wil sta in the 
ring and make profits at the expens ov the pepel's helth ; and 
so long az the fool pepel kontinu to favor and vote for the 
Graft-Sistem now in power, tha don't dezurv eny beter trete- 
ment than tha ar receving from the grafters to hoom tha hav 
so unwizely entrusted thair welfare. And the grafters hoo 
ar kondukting the uther trusts ov the kuntry don't dare to 



154 MENTAL DINAMITE 

sa much about the Doktor-Trust, for tha realize the wizdum 
ov throing bokaes at your nabors wen yu liv in a glas-hous 
yourself. Just imajin wot the medikoes kud du unto the 
Beef-Trust if that Organizashun ov Food-Poizoners shud 
take a noshun to take a fling at the Medicin-Men! It iz 
nausheus and trajikal to even kontemplate it. 

684. Gold iz konsiderd by meny pepel az the most pre- 
shus and valuabel ov al the metals, but it iz smol potatoes 
wen kompared with meny ov them, az the folloing tabel wil 
pruve : 

A pound ov Gold iz wurth only $300. 

A pound ov Palladium iz wurth only $650. 

A pound of Uranium iz wurth only $980. 

A pound ov Osmium iz wurth only $1000. 

A pound ov Rodium iz wurth only $2500. 

A pound ov Arium iz wurth only $3600. 

A pound ov INDIUM iz wurth only $4400. 

A pound ov Thorium iz wurth only $8300. 

A pound ov Rubidium iz wurth only $9500. 

A pound ov GALLIUM iz wurth only $68,000. 

A pound ov RADIUM, (191 1 ) iz wurth only $525,200,000. 

So we se that even in the metalik wurld the much wor- 
shipd "gold" iz very smol "pertaters." 

685. We ar told by the kapitalist papers that Zolgos had 
a "fair" trial. Great Shades ov Truth and Justis, but that iz 
a woper ! Let's se wot kind ov a "fair" trial he had. He iz 
ailed jd by Kapitalists to be an "Anarkist." Al kapitalists 
hate Anarkists and ar unrezunably prejudicd agenst them. 
Zolgos kild the hi muky muk IDOL ov the Amerigan kapi- 
talists. He woz "tried" before a kapitalist kourt and hiz 
prosekushun woz kondukted 1 by kapitalist lawyers, and hiz 
ailed jd "defends" woz kondukted by kapitalist atturnys hoo 
wur appointed by that kapitalist kourt and hoo wur trends, 
fello-lodj-burthers and biznes assoshiates and memebrs ov 
the same politikal faith and adherents ov the same relijus be- 
leefs az the kourt and the atturnys for the prosekunshun. 
The "jury" woz selekted by thoze kapitalist lawyers and kap- 
italist kourt, and tha (the jury) wur al men hoo ar kapi- 
talists and beleev in the prezent kapitalist sistem and support 
it with thair votes and kash. Al the witneses on both sides 
wur kapitalists. The officers hoo had charj ov him wur vur- 
ulent kapitalists. The pepel hoo wur purmited to be prezent 
at the trial wur al kapitalists. Al the newspaper men prez- 
ent wur kapitalists. And every wun hoo woz konnekted 
with the "fair-trial" in. eny way, and al thoze prezent az wit- 



MENTAL DINAMITE 155 

neses and newspaper men, ar grafters and boodlers and if 
tha had a fair trial under thair own sistem the last wun ov 
them wud go to the penitenshiary or galloes. And that kind 
ov a kangaroo fare iz wot the kapitalists and thair vile 
mouth-peces kol a "fair" and "imparshal" trial wen dealing 
with "Anarkists." But wot else kan be expekted from men 
hoo ar bad and shameles enuf to be kapitalists and support 
a sistem that enjenders krime and retchednes and produces 
such danjurus and insane kriminals and dejenerates az Zol- 
gos, Getto, Booth, Taylor, Pendergast, et al. Az Zolgos 
konfesd hiz gilt thare woz no need for eny trial, and the 
fare woz only gone thru with to giv the legal jentry and 
kourt-offishals an opportunity to extrakt sum boodel from 
the state in the way ov "fees" and "kosts" Theze "legal- 
izd" bukaneers hav got to get next to the pi-kounter by sum 
hook or krook. Tha ar always skuteling the old Ship-ov- 
State on sum pretext or uther. 

686. Kremashun iz the only korrekt and proper way ov 
d'ispozing ov the ded, and it wud be in univursal uce if it 
wur not for the klerjy — the greatest obstakels in the way ov 
al progres. Kremashun wud nok thair "Rezurrekshun" 
humbug gallywest, and then thair whole swindel wud kol- 
laps. If al karkases wur reducd to a fu ounces ov ashes by 
the proces ov heat, the numskuls wud soon begin to wunder 
how those bodies kud ever be "rezurrekted." Thouzands of 
pius pepel hav bin burnd to ashes in fires, by way ov un- 
avoidabel akcidents, and then uther thouzands hav bin eten 
and dijested by wild animals and thus bekame organik and 
konstituent parts ov thoze animals. How kud tha be "rezur- 
rekted?" The whole "rezurrekshun" biznes iz a folchood 
and barefacd swindel, and the klerjy noe it, but it iz to thair 
finanshal interests to keep up the deluzhun and humbug. 
The "profit" sistem iz truly the parent and koz ov al hum- 
bug and krimes. If the klerjy kudn't gain eny thing by 
preaching folchoods tha wud not du so ; neither wud the 
milk-men woter thair milk unles tha kud thus gain by it. 
The burying ov so meny bilyuns ov ded bodies in the erth 
greatly pollutes the woter, and thru that sourc iz a fruitful 
koz ov disezes. Kremashun iz also the only effektchual 
remedy for grave-robing; so, if yu don't want your luvd 
wuns dug up and sold to sum doktor or kolledj, yu had beter 
kremate them and keep thair ashes in a mustard botel on the 
center tabel. In kremating a body the flames don't tuch it 
at al — it iz the intens heat that disintegrates it and reduces it 
to a fu ounces ov ashes. Wy. it iz a klene and 1 butiful pro- 



156 MENTAL DINAMITE 

ces and yu kan keep the fu ounces that remain if yu like. 
Wot iz more tuching and butiful than the si j ht ov a glas jar 
ov ashes az al that remains ov the luvd wuns hoo ucd to liv I 
Yu kan keep it on your center tabel or buro if yu like — wher 
yu kan se it al the time if dezirabel. How much nicer that 
wud be than to noe that sworms ov filthy magots and nasty 
wurms wur sloly eting them. Kremashun iz pure, klene and 
butiful and iz the only hijenik dispozishun ov the ded and 
shud be univursaly adopted, and wil be wen sane and intel- 
ijent pepel kontrol the wurld. I wud rather hav the doktors 
kut me up and make joly remarks about my impurfekshuns, 
than to hav the kold, slimy and voicles wurms banquet on 
my remains ; but then I am not so parshal to the wurms az ar 
sum pepel. I always woz a pekuleyurly sensibel idiot and 
lojikal fool. 

687. Never rezort to korporeal punishment nor uther 
forms ov violenc in dealing with your children, for that iz 
the rong and poorest way ov al. Pepel shud never be pun- 
ishd at al, for "punishment" iz injury and z7-tretement, and 
such savaje and brutal methods wil only hav a bad effekt 
and make the child bad insted ov good. Yu kan never im- 
pruve pepel and make them good by injuring them. The 
beter the tretement the beter the rezults. 77-tretement only 
produces i/-effekts. Punishing a child iz injuring it — iz iU 
treting it. Yu punish the child bekoz it did sum rong; wel, 
it did the rong bekoz it haz a dezire or inklinashun to du 
that partikular thing, and in al probability it inherited thoze 
bad tendencies from yu; if it did, how kruel and uceles to 
punish it for your krime and mistake. Long az it haz inklin- 
ashuns or incentivs to go astra it wil du so, no matter how 
much yu wip or il-trete it. Yu must find the kozes ov thoze 
bad inklinashuns and then remuve them, or else yu wil fail 
in korrekting and impruving the child's kondukt. The only 
way yu kan find the kozes ov its badnes iz to understand its 
mental konstitushan and fizikal organizashun. If yu don't 
understand theze siences, and ar tu lazy or bizy to lurn them, 
apply to sum kompetent Frenolojist and he wil redily point 
out the proper and only sukcesful kours to pursu in the man- 
ajement ov your children. Wiping, kursing, frowning and 
krosnes only excite and thus develop and strengthen the ani- 
mal propensities and selfish pashuns in the child, wile kising, 
karesing, smiling and refined and kurteus langwidj wil stim- 
ulate and plazhurably excite and thareby develop and 
strengthen its moral and intellekchual fakulties. Lurn the 
folloing quortet and teach it, insted ov the Lord's Prar, to 
vour litel wuns : 



MENTAL DINAMITE 157 

A kis iz always beter than a bio, 
For Luv iz the greatest civilizing fore, 
So, if yu wud hav thair moral-nachurs gro, 
Adopt kindnes az your only kours. 
Also be shure and konstantly set your ofspring a good ex- 
ampel by making yourself a model for them to emulate. 
Don't let them go hunting and fishing nor participate in eny 
uther kruel sports, and if tha exhibit a dispozishun to be 
harsh and kruel, teach them to be kind and jentel by develop- 
ing thair intellekchual and moral fakulties. Don't hav eny 
kruel murder cenes in your hous in the form ov wor-pik- 
churs, krucifixshuns, hunting and fishing cenes, etc. ; insted 
hav pikchurs ov nachural and peacful cenes, like rivers, 
lakes, mountens, landskapes redolent with butiful and frag- 
rant flowers ; hav pikchurs ov fruits and uther nachural and 
helthy food-produkts ; hav butiful pikchurs ov sky-kisd lakes 
with clear litel innocent duks and geec and fish swiming 
around in peac and amity az Nachur intended them to, insted 
ov being assassinated by kruel and savaje man for hiz dia- 
bolikal amuzement. Everything, great or smol, impreses 
itself upon the mind ov childhood, and exurts an influenc for 
good or bad ; and the same with the literachur tha read. 
Wot a child reads iz its mental-food, and wot it sees iz its 
mental-drinks, and its Soul or Mind iz made and influence! 
by this intellekchual diet. Ai ov the child's environments, 
both fizikal and mental, must be normal or it wil be disezd 
fizikaly and warpd and purverted moraly. A child's hier or 
moral nachur kannot develop and expand under the prezent 
insane and brutal soshal sistem wich starvs and dwarfs al 
the moral or spiritual parts ov its nachur. Konsidering 
theze fakts it iz no wunder that insanity and krime ar so 
fearfulv on the inkrece. Soshalizm iz the only sistem that 
kan surround children (and adults tu) with the proper en- 
vironment for thair ful fizikal and mental development and 
moral growth and spiritual uplifting and real hapines. 

688. Thoze savaje rethces hoo go hunting and fishing for 
"amuzement" and "pastime," ar dejenerates ov the furst 
woter, and shud be civilizd by reading Soshalist literachur. 
Just think ov the kruel and brutal nachur ov pepel hoo find 
plazhur in wantunly murdering litel innocent and helples 
animals that never rongd them in enyway ! It iz deliberate 
murder, and only kowards and dejenerates wud engaje in 
such fiendish and diabolikal homicides. The uther krechurs 
hav the same rijht to life, liberty and the pursuit ov hapines 
az man. and he haz no rijht to sla them except in self-defens. 



158 MENTAL DINAMITE 

Just think ov a tub ov guts and lard waing about 300 pounds 
assassinating from ambush a peacful and harmles litel duk 
that waes only twu pounds and makes a speshalty ov mind- 
ing its own biznes and behaving itself! And then to think 
that the pepel ov the United States wur foolish enuf to elekt 
such a paunchful and direful dekadent az that prezident ov 
thair allejd republik twic! And Prezent Roozvelt iz an- 
uther kruel and vociferus dejenerate hoo delites in murder- 
ing uther animals that never harmd him nor even voted the 
Demokratic tiket — animals hooz morals wud make Tedy's 
ethiks look like a Missouri dewdrow after a Kansas drouth 
had bin woterd with it. Such human animals ar not fit to be 
at the hed ov eny thing except a band ov marauding savajes- 
and brigands bent on murder and plunder. Men hoo ar not 
wiling nor abel to kontrol thair own vishus and murderus 
pashuns and appetites ar not fit to be prezident ov a flok ov 
hardshel ratelsnakes and Fre-Methodist turkybuzards ; but 
wun kan't expekt much civilizashun in Kristchuns and kapi- 
talists. Yu never hurd ov Robert G. Ingersol, Hurbert Spen- 
cer, Ernest Hakel, Charles Darwin, Ujene V. Debs and uther 
great and noted Atheists and Soshalists going hunting and. 
fishing. And I never hurd ov thoze awful "Anarkists" kil- 
ing uther animals for "sport" and "pastime." But pepel en- 
gajd in "biznes" under the kapitalist sistem soon get so ucd 
to swindling, injuring and destroying each uther in order to 
"make a living" and "sukceed in biznes," tha don't hezitate 
at eny krime no matter how kruel and revolting, for thair 
soshal sistem and its kruel "biznes methods" hav so unduly 
and unnachuraly developd the animal instinkts and savaje 
propensities that theze lo and brutal instinkts ar so powerful 
tha kontrol the individual's whole nachur and inkline him to 
tobako, rum, cheating, lying, murder and licenshusnes. And. 
everything that unduly excites and develops the pashuns and 
animal instinkts in the base ov the brain, at the same time 
korrespondingly blunts and dwarfs the intellekchual and 
moral fakulties in the frunt and top porshuns ov the brain; 
so. the kapitalist sistem or method ov making a living by 
forcing pepel to fite each uther for a chanc to liv, unnachurly 
develops the base ov the brain (wher al the animal or vishus 
instinkts ar lokatedi) by uzing it tu much and thus kozing it 
to appropriate blud that ot to go up to the Mental and Moral 
fakulties in the top and frunt porshuns ov the brain, thareby 
rezulting in the wekening and atrofy ov theze latter fakul- 
ties. The Devil himself kud not posibly hav invented a 
quiker and shurer way ov demoralizing pepel than iz being 
akkomplishd by the prezent kapitalist sistem. Soshalizm, on 



MENTAL DINAMITE 159 

the kontrary, wil develop and strengthen the intellekchual 
and moral fakulties by kozing them to be uzd more than the 
animal instinkts, but not at the expens ov the latter wich ar 
necessary for normal fizikal helth and integrity. Soshalizm 
wil enabel pepel to "make a living'' by helping each uther 
insted ov taking advantaje ov wun anuther; and wen we 
help each uther we ar using our hier or moral fakulties lo- 
kated in the top ov the brain, and that very uce and aktivity 
ov the moral fakulties kozes more blud to reach the top and 
frunt rejuns ov the cerebrum,, and a korresponding diminu- 
shun in the amount ov blwd that iz availabel for the uce ov 
the animal propensities in the loer relms ov the brain. In 
this way the loer porshuns ov the brain wil not get more 
blud than rijhtly belongs to them, and in konsequenc wil 
never get tu larj and dominate; and neither wil the top por- 
shuns ov the brain be wekend and thus subordinated from a 
lak ov blud or nurishment. (For further partikulars on 
this subjekt se my book, Brainolojy.) 

689. A kik at the ballot-box iz the only kind ov bio that 
wil land your enemy a wollup in the guts wen he iz thou- 
zands ov miles away. 

690. Marrying for muny, without luv, iz a very hard, 
foolish and disgraceful way ov making a very poor living. 
It is bunkoing wun's self in an effort to get a meal-ticket 
without paying for it. 

691. It iz far beter to hav wun thurobred child like Lin- 
kun, Edison, Bellamy, Ingersol, Debs, etc., than a duzen 
skrubs like Grover and Tedy. Soshalizm wil teach pepel 
how to hav thurobreds, and wil furnish the rijht and nec- 
essary environment for developing al that iz good and best 
in them. The kapitalist sistem iz inimikal to al that iz good 
and best, and for that very rezun it shud be abolishd. 

6Q2. We Soshalists want, insted ov this sistem ov strife, 
An opportunity for al to liv a frc and nachural 

life— 
An atmusfere in wich fruits and flowers wil 

bloom — 
An environment that wil never produc poverty and 

gloom ; 
So if yii want theze good things to kum in your da, 
• Take of your koat and help us to klear the way. 



160 MENTAL DINAMITE 

693. "Chikago, Nov. 6, 1906. Wife abandonment haz 
groen to such huje proporshuns in Chikago that the kounty 
haz begun the prosekushun ov run-away-huzbands in the 
hope that the evil kan be reducd. 1000 families ar kounty 
eharjes bekoz' huzbands hav abandond thair wives and chil- 
dren. The support ov theze families haz taxed the kounty's 
resources. Lansing, Mich. Daly Jurnal, Nov. 6, 1906. 

Here iz anuther sampel ov the bitter fruit the great kapi- 
talist Upas Tre bears. Theze truant huzbands and milyuns 
ov uthers like them in al parts ov the kuntry abandond thair 
wives and children bekoz tha ar unabel to support them un- 
der the kapitalist sistem, and tha had more children than tha 
shud hav had under eny sistem, and tha realizd, at last, that 
tha kan never be eny beter of under the prezent sistem, and 
that the longer tha livd with thair wives in thair state ov 
ignoranc, the more children tha wud hav, and that thair kon- 
dishun wud be geting wurs every year; so, in sheer desper- 
ashun, tha thru up the spunj and hiked out with the inten- 
shun ov staing hiked hither. And it iz due. to the folc and 
damnabel teachings ov the kapitalists that theze poor dupes 
ar kept in ignoranc ov how to prevent koncepshun and hav 
bin taut that it iz thair hiest duty to "god and thair kuntry" 
to breed to the limit, bekoz the kapitalists want the cheapest 
labor, and c/wVd-labor iz the cheapest ov al. Wajes ar being 
forcd down ever and ever loer wile the kost ov living iz 
going up hier al the time. Wen the most ov theze poor 
devils marry tha ar barely making enuf to support a wife let 
alone a whole raft ov sikly kids. Wot good wil it du to 
"prosekute" theze poor devils bekoz the kapitalists for hoom 
tha wurkd wil not pay them enuf wajes to liv on and support 
thair children, nor wil not teach them how to avoid having 
eny more kids ? Prosekushuns wil not remuve the kozes ov 
theze evils, and henc, wil not stop nor even lesen them wun 
whit. Wot theze poor devils need iz an opportunity to pro- 
duc enuf welth for themselvs and thair of spring, and a 
nolledj ov how to kontrol the reproduktiv masheenery ov 
thair bodies so tha need not burden themseivs and thair na- 
bors with a lot ov skrub kids tha don't want and kan't sup- 
port. Big-Mouth-Tedy shud giv theze poor dupes ov hiz 
folc and kriminal advic a post-offis or sum uther job at wich 
tha kan support the pro j eny he haz told them it iz thair duty 
to produc. If the Kook-county offishals had the $1,000,000 
that the TERRIBEL TEDY had fired away in ammunishun 
on last Labor da az salutes to hiz egotistikal and unwurthy 
self, tha kud provide for that 1000 families quite nicely. 
And ad to this the hundreds ov uther mil vims that Tedv and 



MENTAL DINAMITE 161 

hiz gang of grafters ar wasting every year in foolish and 
riotus living, and thare wud be a kapital that kud be utilizd 
in starting up and operating Publik Industries that kud giv 
employment to every man and wuman out ov work; and 
then giv the employes in theze Publik industries al thair 
labor produces and yu wil hav solvd the problem that iz now 
konfrunting every city and kounty, and wil kontinu to plage 
them until tha abolish the kapitalist sistem root and branch. 
The kapitalist sistem, thru forcing pepel to wurk for barely 
enuf to liv on, and thru keeping them ignorant koneerning 
the latest sientifik diskuveries in regard to the kontrol ov the 
reproduktiv-funkshun, iz kozing the disrupshun and destruk- 
shun ov more homes than al uther kozes kombined ; and yet 
theze kapitalists hav the stupendus impudenc and kollossal 
nurv to akkuze the Soshalists ov wanting to ''destroy the 
home" — the very thing tha, themselvs, ar duing at such a 
fearful rate thare wont be eny homes left for the Soshalists 
to praktis on. The Soshalists don't want to destroy homes r 
but that du want to destroy the infurnal sistem that haz 
destroyd hundreds ov milyuns ov homes and that iz yet at its 
dedly wurk ov destroying and debauching the rest ov the 
homes that hav withstood its bliting influences. The Soshal- 
ists propoze to inaugurate a National sistem ov industry in 
wich every man and wuman kan and wil find an oppor- 
tunity to produc welth with the best tools and masheenery 
and under the best posibel kondishuns ov helth, morality,, 
etc., and giv each wurker the ful produkt ov wot hiz labor 
produces, wich wud be about 10 dolars a da for a 4-hour da;: 
now ad to this inkum (wich iz always surten and stedy) the 
fakt that everything he got wud be the best and purest ma- 
terial and wud be furnishd him at kost, and he wud hav no 
hous nor land rent to pay and wud be fre from al taxes and 
no grafters to rob him. Du yu think he wud find eny trubel 
in supporting himself and family under such normal kondi- 
shuns? Wher wud thare be eny incentiv, then, to abandon 
hiz luvd wuns? Thare wud be no incentiv for "wife- 
abandonment" nor for eny uther krime, and neither wud 
thare be eny such revolting krimes. Insted ov Soshalizm 
destroying the home, it iz the only thing that kan save the 
home and bild it up and make it the ideal place and institu- 
shun it ot to be. The wiked kapitalists noe this, but tha tel 
thair ignorant slaves that the Soshalists want to "destroy 
the home," in order to keep thoze sed slaves from lurning 
wot the Soshalists realy intend to du. This "prosekushun 
ov run-away huzbands" wil only enabel the legalizd grafters 
(the atturnvs and uther law-offishals) to rake of a lot ov 



162 MENTAL DINAMITE 

fees in the way ov "kosts," etc. in "proseknting" sed truant- 
huzbands. But yu kan't expekt the kapitalists to remuve the 
koz ov this evil, for if tha did tha wud hav to abolish thair 
whole roten and helborn sistem ov loot and krime. Wy 
don't the uther animals dezert thair mates and of spring? 
Simply bekoz tha kan ezily take kare ov them, and thare iz 
no rezun for "abandoning" them. And the uther animals 
♦don't hav eny kapitalist sistem with its privet biznes and its 
privet-employment and waje-sistem ov slavery. Savy, eh? 
.Muny spent in prosekuting such kaces iz wurs than wasted, 
:and had beter be spent in providing them normal employ- 
ment under sane kondishuns. 

694. Marraje iz simply a partnership ov the sexes and 
haz twu objekts — the hapines and welfare ov the twu parties 
forming the partnership, and the reprodukshun ov thair 
species ; and even the later iz a great sourc ov plazhur wen 
broth about in the rijht way and under proper kondishuns; 
tftherwize, it iz a great sourc ov unhapines and produktiv ov 
defektiv and dejenerate ofspring wich ar far wurs than nun 
at al. A man shud only hav wun wife at a time and a wuman 
shud only hav wun huzband at a time, and tha shud be ab- 
solutely tru and faithful to each uther, and shud trete each 
'uther az equols and at al times shud be uniformly kind and 
Ikurteus to wun anuther, and du al in thair power to make 
<each uther hapy and kontented. Tha shud never quorl and 
a-angel about enything, and espeshaly shud not du so in the 
presenc ov thair children. If thare ar diferences ov opinyun 
between them tha shud respekt each uther's beleefs and dis- 
kus such matters in a kom, kind and dignified way entirely 
fre from al pursonalities and pashun. Tha shud make every 
posibel konceshun to each uther in al matters about wich 
thare iz a radikal diference ov opinyun ; but it wud be better 
for parties to not marry each uther if thare ar great and 
pozitiv diferences ov opinyun existing between them. It will 
be much beter to marry sum wun ov your own ideas, and 
then thare wil be no mental f rikshun over beleefs, etc. ; but if 
thair diferences and inkompatibilities shud be so great that 
tha kannot rekoncile them tha had beter separate at wunc and 
be divorcd, for thare iz nuthing to be gaind by living together 
unhapily, wile much may be lost thareby. If yu hav made 
a mistake by marrying mismates, the sooner yu rektify that 
•mistake the beter, for thare iz no sens in purpetchuating 
•mistakes. If tha hav twu children wen tha separate the 
muther shud hav the furst choic ov the litel wuns and thair 
fother the sekund choic, and so on if thare be more than 
twu to divide. And the muny and property each wun had 



MENTAL DINAMITE 163 

at the time ov thair marraje, belong to that wun after the 
separashun ; but al tha hav akkumulated wile living- together 
az husband and wife, shud be equoly divided between them 
at the separashun. Pepel wud not make mistakes in mar- 
rying if tha understood Frenolojy and did not marry from 
such abnormal motivs az welth and pozishun ; and tha shud 
not marry unles tha luv each uther, and if tha ar wel adapted 
fizikaly and mentaly it wil be quite ezy to luv each uther. 
Never harber kats, dogs, burds, rabits, etc. about the hous, 
and don't let your children pla and assoshiate with them, for 
that wil greatly develop thair animal instinkts wich ar al- 
redy tu strong. This luv for animal society iz wun ov the 
proofs that Darwin adduces in support ov evolushun from an 
animal ancestry ; besides, it iz always more or les danjurus to 
pla with kats and dogs for tha may bite yu eny time wich 
may rezult in deth ; and then tha ar detrimental to hav in the 
hous from a sanitary standpoint, from the fakt that tha 
konsume oxijen the same az humans and exhale karbonik- 
acid gas and uther impurities ; and then tha ar ful ov fleas 
and lice wich tha skratch and shake of on your karpets, beds, 
tabels and furnichur. And eny man that iz ignorant or lo- 
down enuf to share a wuman's affekshuns with a dog iz sur- 
tenly a very kontemptibel krechur and it iz no wunder hiz 
wife gets so tired ov him she kan even find releef in the so- 
ciety ov a dog; and the further fakt that such dejenerate 
wimen seldum hav female-dogs for thair "pets," don't even 
seem to be suffishent to giv the stupid chump a hint. Teach 
your children to pla and assoshiate with flowers, trees, 
muzik, literachur, masheenery, art, etc. Theze things wil 
amuze, instrukt and benefit them, but wil never injure nor 
degrade them, for such objekts wil excite and develop the 
intellekchual and moral faculties, wile an animal kompan- 
yunship only excites and develops the pashuns and appeties 
in the base ov the brain; and then it iz kruel and unjust to 
keep the uther animals imprizond in kajes and tied with 
chains or shut up in boxes and rooms and thus deprived ov 
thair liberty in order that yu shal hav sumthing to pla with. 
Yu hav no more rijht to keep them thus imprizoned than 
tha wud hav to deprive yu ov your liberty. Smash al thoze 
kruel burd-kajes and let the litel fetherd prizoners noe and 
feel the plazhurs ov the open air and the soft blu kom ov the 
quiet sky! 

695. It requires no brains nor enerjy to go doum-hi\ — 
and that iz wy thare ar so meriy pepel at the botum. Al 
pepel kud fly and soar if tha only had the mental wings, but 
most ov them ar tu stupidly ignorant to realize that tha kud 



164 MENTAL DINAMITE 

develop such wings by karefuly kultivating thair mental- 
soil; but most ov the jakases prefer to spend from $i to 
$ to a da on thair guts and about 5c a munth on thair minds. 
It iz no wunder thair pashuns and appetites ar so predomin- 
ant az to kompletely kontrol them and shape thair kondukt. 
It iz an uphil and thankles task to enliten minds that hav 
always bin under gut-kontrol. If pepel wud only feed thair 
starving minds wun tenth az much az tha du thair stumiks, 
wot an enormus demand for literachur thare wud be ! But 
tha wont feed thair dwarfd and emashiated minds az long 
az tha sa thair prars to thair Alimentary Kanal. 

696. The diflerenc between "biznes" and stealing iz that 
the former haz bin legalizd and the latter baz not. 

698. The Demokrats ar so korrupt and roten the wurms 
wil hav to put klothes pins on thair nozes wile eting them ; 
but wen the wurms kum to the Republikans tha wil go out 
on a strike entirely. 

699. If I had the wizdum that God Almity iz suppozd to 
hav, I wud be almost kompetent to teach sum ov theze yung 
gies boo ar about 18, and hoo part thair cigarets in the midel 
and smoke hair. From 18 to 30 iz the empty and painful 
period ov Noe-it-al-i-tiv-nes, and the only kure for it iz Dr. 
Time with hiz bitter medicin ov Experienc ; and even this re- 
lentles and heroik tretement fails on Kristchuns and kapi- 
talists. 

MANKIND. 

700. Sumtimes upon a wunc, 
Mankind iz prone to be a dune; 
For he'z a fool both great and rare, 
And in the midel parts hiz hair, 
And wears a kolar far tu hi, 

And about everything wil li. 

He violates the laws-ov-helth every da, 

And then wunders wy he dluz not feel brite and ga ; 

And takes medicin for every litel pain, 

And iz always swiming the river to keep out ov the rain ; 

And the great Reproduktiv laws ov life 

He frakchurs with an inkompatibel wife, 

And pepels the erth with dejenerate brats, 

That fite and quorl like dogs and kats. 

He iz a mijhtily monstrus, hencforth as, 

And wil ete everything from elefants to asparagras, 

And from fried peanuts to boild ice kream, 

And baked Wippoorwil-teers to a poachd moonbeam, 



MENTAL DINAMITE 165 

And then wunders wy he haz belyake, 

After gorjing himself on pi and kake. 

He iz a drunkard, a libertene and glutun, 

And gorjes himself on booz and muttun, 

Until hiz brain iz ful ov woolen snakes, 

And then the "Keely Kure" he takes. 

He wastes hiz life in a mad pursuit 

Ov welth for wich uthers had to root, 

And wile akquiring enormus welth, 

The poor fool loozes al hiz helth, 

And Deth konsines him to the Past, 

Wher al the fools wil rest at last. 

He tries to lengthen hiz life, 

By shortening it with strife, 

And tries to liten hiz burdens by inkrecing them, 

And among erth's my raid fools he iz a jem. 

He ever strugels to reach the top 

By drifting downward without a stop, 

And tries to get out ov det by borroing muny, 

And takes morfene to kure the opium-habit, 

And meny uther things most stranje and funy. 

And wen he gets sik and ful ov ake, 

He sends for a doktor p. d. q., 

Hoo givs him a lot ov poizon to take, 

And uther stuf that makes him sik ; 

And if, purchanc, he skips not up the flu, 

He thinks it woz the poizon that puld him thru. 

If he wud lurn how to liv arijht, 

And ov himself take proper kare, 

He'd soon be feeling "out ov sijht" — 

A feeling now most awful rare ; 

But he iz such a foolish dufer 

He prefers to du wot makes him sufer, 

And until he uzes hiz lazy brains 

He wil hav to sufer meny pains, 

For al hiz ils rezult from violating laws, 

But he never realizes that to be the koz. 

He maketh laws that ar unneeded. 

And wich no wun hath ever heeded, 

And iz ever ready for a lawsuit, 

Bekoz he iz a stupid brute, 

And hazn't got sens enuf to noe 

That "lawing" only makes hiz burdens gro. 

He wil go to "law" and spend a hundred or twu, 

Trying to kollekt a five that to him iz due ; 

And then wunders wy the atturnys-at-law 

Ar the most prosperus fokes he ever saw. 




Fro 



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MENTAL DINAMITE 167 

He wil pay ten dolars to a fake inshuranc konsurn, 

For the sake ov geting bak 3 ov it in kace his hous- shud 

burn; 
And then wunders how thoze elegant parasites 
Kan liv in such kumfort and eze, 
Wen he haz to wurk both da and nites 
Hiz wants and hunger to appeze. 
He wil frely waste hiz muny for tobako and wisky,. 
And with the "sisters" get mijhty frisky; 
But if hiz wife or dauters wanted a new hat, 
He kudn't afford such extravaganc az that. 
He givs hiz muny to the bankers to keep, 
So it wil be safe and al o. k., 
And tha skiddoo wile he'z asleep, 
Leving a promis to "pay in ful" sum da ; 
And altho tha du nuthing ov the kind, 
He wil trust the furst grafter he kan find, 
For the more tha beat him 
And the wurs tha trete him, 
The beter thair methods he wil like, 
For he'z the damdest fool that ever hit the pike. 
Humans ar so ful ov selfish greed, 
Insted ov helping thair felloman, 
And thus make hapy the Human-breed, 
Tha du each uther al the harm tha kan ; 
For the beleev in order to sukceed, 
Tha must run thair nabors out, 
And that iz kiling of the breed 
And bringing most our woes about. 
He wil go to wor and liv on roten beef, 
For a chanc to fil uthers with led and greef, 
And wile he steals thair lands and uther things, 
Ov "patriotizm" and "onor" he galy sings. 
O ! he'z a bute in every klime, 
And iz hapiest wen kommiting krime, 
For he'z bin a fool so very long 
He realy enjoys a life ov endles hel, 
And rarely noes wen he'z duing rong, 
And wud rather sufer than be wel. 
He wil vote for every injustis and outraje, 
And then wunders wy krime iz on the rampaje. 
He wil attend the rankest, roten shoes, 
But wen a good wun arrives he never goes. 
He wil patronize every humbug that kums around, 
And then affekts surprize bekoz tha'r gaining ground- 
He produces milyuns more than he duth konsume, 



168 MENTAL DINAMITE 

And then ships it abroad to make "biznes boom," 

For the more he makes the deeper in det he sinks, 

And that iz "prosperity" so the kriter thinks. 

He don't noe nor faintly realize 

That he'z a viktim ov theze kommurshal lies, 

And that the grafters hoo preach such folchoods unto him. 

Ar geting fat wile he'z groing slim. 

He hires a preacher to tel him lies 

About a "home beyond the skies," 

And to friten him with tales ov "hel," 

And yet he noes the whole thing iz a sel ; 

But wen the "Holy Gost" duth fil him, 

He beleveth deth wil never kil him, 

And to hiz "home beyond the sky," 

On "golden wings" he hopes to fly. 

He wil fite over a nikel, a yello dog or a game ov dice 

Until hel freezes over and then kontinu the frakas on the 

ice; 
In fakt, thare'z no foolishnes to great for him to takel, 
And then ov wizdum he duth boast and kakel. 
For he'z the greatest fool in al the univurs, 
And to himself and al things else a kurs, 
For he haz al kinds ov foolishnes "to burn," 
And for al that'z bad hiz soul duth yurn ; 
In short, he'z an as ov the most monumental kind, 
And haz a very smol and narro mind, 
But he realy thinks he noes it al, 
And that'z wot kozes him to fol. 

701. "Thanksgiving" iz the wun da in the year the kapi- 
talists and thair hired pals, the klerjy, hav set apart for 
praizing "God" for thair "prosperity" and the "manifold 
blesings" tha enjoy. Al the "propserity" theze vile skamps 
and pius pirates enjoy iz the rezult ov thair "biznes sistem" 
thru wich tha rob the wurkers ov 80 pur cent ov al the welth 
the latter produc, and thair blaming it al on "God" and 
bombarding the Old Jent with hot-air-bokaes iz for the pur- 
pus ov throing dust in the wurkers ies so the latter wil not 
get next to the bunko game that iz being puld of on them. 
Long az theze stupid wurkers beleev that the grafters' pros- 
perity kums from "God" it wil never dawn on thair dark 
and ignorant minds that al this "prosperity" in wich the 
boodlers ar rioting realy kums out ov thair own swety hides 
in the form ov "interest" "rents" and "profits" If the kap- 
italists wur to tel this fairy tale to the wurkers, the wurkers 
wud not so readily beleev it ; but wen the " minister s-ov -God" 



MENTAL DINAMITE 169 

asshure them ov its truthfulnes tha ask for no further proof. 
It iz quite plain, to eny wun hoo iz not ekonomikaly blind, 
wy the kapitalists hav always exempted al church property 
from taxashun and furnish the klerjy fre trains, fre pases 
and haf-fare tikets on al the railways, besides meny uther 
kurtesies and favors. Wenever the kapitalists giv favors to 
eny wun, yu kan bet your last dolar that purson iz turning 
a grindstone for the kapitalists, and the wurkers ar being 
ground on it. The kapitalist sistem wud soon go to peces ov 
its own rotennes if it wur not for the Judas-Arnold part the 
sky-pilots ar plaing in making the chumps beleev that it iz 
"ordaind ov God" and iz Hiz Wil that it shud be so, and 
that tha wil go to hel wen tha kroak if tha dare to thrust 
thair tails over the dashboard and kik the old shebang gaily- 
west or ungallyeast. Long az the chumps kan be made to 
beleev, by the lies ov the klerjy, that tha wil hav plenty ov 
fried-oysters and porterhous-steak in the "next wurld," pro- 
vided tha ar "good" and ar kontented to liv on sowbely and 
liver in this wurld, tha wil kontinu to endure al the horrors 
ov the prezent hel-born sistem ov blud and teers. 

702. Wile stroling thru the State-hous grounds at Lan- 
sing, Mich., in Nov., 1906, I stopd and read sum vey jucy 
and purtinent remarks about "slavery" that ex-Guvernor 
Austin Blair fired at the Michigan lejislachur in 1863. 
Theze ar hiz remarks engravd on hiz monument wich stands 
in the east-entranc to the State-hous grounds : "Slavery iz 
the greatest and vilest kriminal in al the wurld and must 
perish." Very good, Austin, and if yu only ment al that 
your langwidj implies yu wud never hav had the onor ov a 
monument; but yu only ment that a particular brand ov 
slavery woz odius and shud be abolishd, and that brand woz 
"Chattel-slavery," then duing stunts in the Southland; but 
yu wur always in favor ov wa/V-slavery and so woz and is 
your party, the Rcpublikan, even unto this da, Nov. 29, 1906. 
And waje-slavery iz a greater and viler kriminal than chat- 
tel-slavery, for it takes in the wite-man az wel az the blak 
wuns, and also the wimcn and children. Your brand ov 
slavery, Austin, iz not so squeamish az to draw the knlor- 
linc. And thoze brave (but mistaken) and nobel soljers ov 
Michigan, along with thouzands from the uther states, helpd 
the kapitalists ov the North to fore zvaje-slavery on the kap- 
italists ov the South in place ov thair time-onord but obso- 
lete chattel-slavery. With waje-slavery the masters ar freed 
from the kare and responsibility ov the slaves during bad 
weather, periods ov idelnes, siknes, etc., and this woz sur- 



170 MENTAL DINAMITE 

tenly a great saving and advantage; besides, «/a/V-slaves 
never run away to Kanada to avoid thair slavery ; but insted 
tha kum here from Kanada and al uther lands seeking mas- 
ters and beging to be akcepted az slaves. The northern kap- 
italists nu a good thing wen tha got next to it, but thair 
suthern brethren wur not so fast in geting onto the latest 
and best in the slavery-line and had to hav the newer and 
beter ideas shot into them az tha wud not receve them in eny 
uther way. Within sijht ov your monument, Austin, thare 
ar brothels (the loest and vilest ov al slave-pens) wher wite 
wimen ar forcd by waje-slavery to sel thair bodies and souls 
for bred enuf to keep them alive and sum over for the pius 
Republikan landlords hoo own the houses in wich the broth- 
els ar kondukted. And with this blud-rent-muny theze pius 
Republikans pay uther pius hipokrits to preach Krist to thair 
viktims. And within sijht ov your monument litel children 
go hungry and ilklad every da in the year bekoz tha and 
thair parents ar viktims ov the vile waje-slavery in wich the 
Republikan-party beleevs and wich the Kristchun klerjy (97 
pur cent ov them) assert iz "ordaind ov God." The Soshal- 
ists ar the only wuns hoo ar oppozd to "every kind ov slav- 
ery, and tha ar deturmind that al brands ov that "vile krim- 
inal" shal perish from the erth to plage the race no more. 

703. The yung man hoo drinks cigarets and smokes booz 
iz down on a level with himself, for thare iz nuthing else 
quite so lo down and he iz thus kompeld to okupy a nich al 
by hiz depravd and wurthles self ; and the gurl hoo iz kare- 
les and rekles enuf to marry such a non-de-skrit haz a very- 
severe and lo-down grudj at hurself. 

704. The pepel hoo beleev tha noe it al, realy du noe al — 
that thair smol and empty brains wil hold, but thair brains 
wont hold enything but foolishnes and vakuity. 

705. Children hav the furst-mortgaje on thair parents, 
and tha jeneraly forekloze it by wurying the old fokes to 
deth. 

706. Marraje without luv iz like woter without dampnes 
— like shugar without sweetnes — like a flower without frag- 
ranc — like a poem that don't po — like a burd without wings 
— like a wuman without vurchu and like a human without a 
soul. 

707. Mis Maga Zene duz more traveling and iz beter 
read than eny uther lady in the wurld ; and altho milyuns ov 
men like hur and want hur, yet she never thinks ov flurting 
nor geting married. 



MENTAL DINAMITE 171 

708. Luv iz the River-ov-Life that floes from the Soul 
to the Hart. 

709. Jelusy ov uthers iz only the konshusnes ov being in- 
ferior to them ; in short, 

Jelusy iz the sour and disappointed wail 
From the litel souls that always fail, 
Bekoz tha hav no mental wings, 
With wich to reach the hier things. 

'710. If I wur only wun tenth az wize az "Dr." Stuart, 
ov Winona, Minn., beleevs himself to be, I'd ask God Al- 
mijhty for hiz job ; and if I wur wun hundreth part az mean, 
kowardly and kontemptibel az that pius quak iz, I'd go to 
hel and drive Old Horns to suicide thru konfluent envy. 
Dok. iz a whole peach-orchard with a barbd-wire fenc 
around it wen it kums to orijinal sin and total depravity. 
He iz the vilenus skoundrel and kowardly retch hoo uzd the 
polece fore ov Winona to break up and suppres my hijenik 
lekchurs in that town wen he woz maor ov Winona in the 
fol ov 1901. I woz giving publik lekchurs in Winona during 
November, 1901, on helth topiks, and thru thoze lekchurs 
and my book, 'The Laws-ov-Helth," I woz teaching the 
pepel how to get and keep wel by simply obaing the laws ov 
helth ; but of kours, such good and moral teachings lesend 
the number ov sukers on hoom theze medikal skunks preyd 
for a living; henc, the desperate, unlawful and kriminal 
methods to wich tha rezorted to break up my lekchurs and 
get rid ov me. Dok. woz tu much ov a koward and buly 
to attempt to break thenu up or ansur my arguments himself, 
so he forcd the polece to du hiz durty and kriminal wurk 
for him ; and tha, poor ignorant and depravd brutes, had to 
oba hiz infamus orders or looz thair jobs. The Katholik 
priests ov Winona also abeted the maor in hiz kriminal as- 
sault on me and the fredum ov speech ; but then thoze pius 
soshal ulcers kan always be kounted upon to help along eny 
durty and unlawful skeme to keep the pepel ignorant enuf 
to be Katholiks. The twu daly papers ov Winona wur also 
parties to that dastardly outraje — the morning paper refuzd 
to publish my announcements and publishd folchoods and 
slanders about Mrs. Mak and me and misreprezentashuns ov 
our lekchurs. And the evening paper refuzd to publish our 
announcments at the instigashun ov the priests and the 
doktors. Wether the drugists ov Winona wur parties to the 
outraje, I dunot noe. Yes, eny man hoo prostitutes the po- 
lece power ov the city ov wich he iz maor for the suppreshun 
ov a rival in biznes, iz surtenly entiteld to the sublime degre 



172 MENTAL DINAMITE 

ov Total Depravity — and then a fu. He iz a Past Grand 
Master and a Thrice Puissant Grand Sovern ov Diabolikal 
Vileny. This iz indeed a "Fre Kuntry" with a tol, 33-degre 
kapital F. 

711. The only thing that kan outstink a Mormon elder's 
hind feet, a limburger-cheez faktory, a nashunal konvenshun 
ov skunks, a kampmeet'n' ov niggers and bilygoats, a Kath- 
olik monastery and a Minneapolis polece fore al put together, 
iz Maor Stuart ov Winona, Minn. He iz a diabolikaly kom- 
pound putrescent odor and a konfluently gangrenish stink 
that even Deth and a Klondike Forever wil fail to deoder- 
ize. Phew! pas the likwified air and kloride-ov-hel, pleze? 
That soulles and manhoodles skunk iz so infurnaly dekadent 
that he iz even kompeld to wear an asbestos klothespin on 
hiz noze wile toking with himself over the telefone. He haz 
leprosy ov the hart and kancer and sifilis ov the soul. He iz 
the human monstrosity hoo uzd the polece fore ov Winona 
to break up my hijenik lekchurs in that town in the fol ov 
1901. The only decent thing such an itchbacilus kud du iz 
to suicide, but the kowardly tapewurm hazn't enuf kuraje to 
push hiz wurthles karkas of the Kristmas Plant, and thus 
win the enkomiums ov humanity. The only konsolashun I 
hav iz the fakt that he haz to assoshiate with hiz korrupt and 
dekadent self al the time. The Republikans and Demokrats 
seem to hav a speshal nak ov elekting to offis the rotenest 
kriminajs tha kan find. Such vile and slimy jakal-vultchurs 
ar even tu unklene to akt az nite-soil skavenjers for a nigger 
naborhood. I hav riten the foregoing tid-bits more to let 
fuchur jenerashuns noe wot kind ov unthinkabel nite-mares 
akted az maors ov Amerikan cities in the 19th century, than 
to vent eny il-feeling agenst such slimy saurians az Maor 
Stuart. It wil be inkonceevabel and unbeleevabel to fuchur 
jenerashuns how such awful things kud take place in the 
omega ov the 19th century. 

712. If I wur haf az prity az sum gurls think tha ar, I'd 
flurt with myself. Sum ov theze konceted filies du rite luv- 
leters unto themselvs and sine boys' names to them, and then 
exhibit theze ardent epistels to uther pulits az konceted az 
themselvs. Such chumps wud make fit konpanyuns (if it 
wur not for thair of spring) for the dudes hoo wear korsets, 
smoke hair and part thair cigarets in the center. 

713. I am quite superstishus in sum respekts ; for in- 
stanc, I furmly beleev that it iz unluky to be hangd on Frida, 
or to ete poizond meat on that da. I am also quite shure 
that it iz pozitivly unluky to hav 13 wives at wunc; I also 



MENTAL DINAMITE 173 

beleev it iz unluky and presajes an erly deth to fol in 13 
feet ov woter wen yu kan't swim. I beleev that the howling 
ov a dog tinder my windo at nite portends deth — ov the 
kanine ; unles it gets away before I kan take a shot at it. I 
am also quite pozitiv that it iz unluky to kil a kat — unluky to 
the feline. I beleev the kontrakshun ov an inkurabel diseze 
iz unluky and presajes deth. It iz jeneraly unluky to kol a 
biger man than yourself a liar, even tho he iz a dubel distild, 
rapid-firing, self-loading and smokeles-powder prevarikator 
ov the ultra klasikal kind; it wil be much beter to let him 
find it out thru sum uther chanel ; besides, it iz dolars to 
hairpins that he iz alredy aware ov the fakt, and your in- 
formashun iz entirely supurflus. It iz very unluky to kol on 
a married, wuman wen hur huzband iz at home, and shoes a 
rekles disregard ov the etiket guverning such matters ; it iz 
also quite unluky for your wife to katch yu kising the hired 
gurl or the guvernes, and I advize yu to not try it — unles yu 
ar absolutely surten that your wife iz not around. It iz un- 
luky to meet with a fatal railway akcident wile traveling on 
Sunda ; on eny uther da the same akcident wud be quite reg- 
ular and orthodox and devoid ov eny element ov unlukines. 
It iz horribly unluky to steal green wotermelons and then be 
kaut at it besides. It iz always unluky to be kild wile away 
from home, and iz a shure sine that yu wil never se your 
family agen. And it iz very unluky to hav a big wife and 13 
smol children wen yu ar only making $1.50 a da, and iz a 
shure sine that yu ar a Katholik and ar voting the old party 
tikets and that the nabors wil hav to help yu provide for 
thoze kids that yu didn't need. It iz very unluky to get kild 
in a church, and iz a warning: that yu shud not attend such 
places, and then yu wud never get kild in them. 

714. Suppoze we al folloed Krist's exampel and never 
got married nor had eny children — wot wud bekum ov the 
race ? Extinkshun, shurelv ! Tedy Immortelles, how kud 
yu take your pen in hand and rite that umorus "Race-Sui- 
cide'Meter wile profesing to be a devout folloer and decipel 
ov Krist's? Shame on yu, yu deceteful old hipokrit ! I'd 
rather hav Karrie Kleveland and Grover Nation az my next- 
door nabors eny time. And wot if al the men folloed the 
Nazarene's exampel and never got shavd nor hairkuted — 
wot wud bekum ov thoze pius numskuls ov barbers hoo im- 
ajin themselvs to be beleevers in Krist and hiz kute and 
kunen' ways ? And wot wud bekum ov the poor shumakers 
if we al folloed Krist's exampel ov going barefooted? O! 
yes, the Kristchuns? ar folloing Krist about like a hog fol- 
loes a train ov esoterik thot! 



174 MENTAL DINAMITE 

715. Suppoze, on the uther hand, that we al folloed King 
Solomon's matrimonial exampel by each man having 300 
wives and 700 konkubins ? Wot an enormus inkrece in pop- 
ulashun wud folio. In about 13 years thare wud not be 
standing room for them. If the men had al dun az Solomon 
iz reported to hav dun, our wize and beluvd Rozy Ted wud 
never hav had to waste time and riting materials riting that 
■"Race-Suicide" epistel to the hethens. Ofkours, it wud be 
imposibel for every male to hav 1000 females, for the rezun 
that thare ar about the same number ov each sex. And yet 
the Kristchun's Bibel sezs that King Solomon woz the wiz- 
est duk on erth. If he woz the wizest wun thoze hoo had no 
wizdum must indeed hav bin in a deplorabel kondishun men- 
taly. Tha wud hav bin almost kompetent to fil our pulpits 
and edit our daly papers, to sa nuthing ov runing our rail- 
roads and manajing our finances. Abdul Hamid and Brig- 
ham Yung must hav bin prity wel up in wizdum akkording 
to the Kristchun Bibel? It iz tu bad that Tedy Nation and 
Karrie Roozevelt wur not on the staje at that time to sho the 
wurld wot real wizdum iz. The quikest and nearest route 
to the lunatik asilum iz by trying to folio the Bibel doktrins 
and the policies ov the Republikan-party. 

715^2. An investment in) uceful nolledj iz always a wize 
transakshun and wil ever yield good returns. 

716. BIBEL STORIES ; or, DIVINE TRUTH. 

Noah's Nautikal Surkus. 

Noah had 885,000 animals in the ark, with food for 382 
daes. Size ov the old tub, akkording to the Bibel ; 547 feet 
long, 91 tooties wide and 54 hoofs deep. Al I hav to remark 
about that menazhery iz that Noah iz to be kongratulated 
on the abilities ov his pres-ajent. If Noah had eny smol chil- 
dren with him in the ark, wot a piknik that bunch wud hav 
bin to the kids ! It wud hav made Bayrum & Baledhay's 
and Selspaw & Forebruthers' menazheries appear like a 
majik-lantern exibit in a kuntry skool-hous ! 

717. The Bibel Quail Yarn. 

It raind 468,039,800 kar-loads (600 bushels to each kar) 
ov quails. It wud make a train 3,102,536 miles long. It 
wud take that train (runing 400 miles a da) 22 years to pas 
a given point, and that train wud reach around the erth 
(25,000 miles) more than 124 times. "Quail-on-Toast," at 
that time, must hav bin a "drug-on-the-market." And theze 
ar sum ov the fairy tales the Kristchuns ar poming of on the 
febel-minded adults and the children az "diznns truth," and 



MENTAL DINAMITE 175 

tha feel al kut up about it bekoz we wiked Frethinkers ob- 
jekt to having such rot and drivel taut in the publik-skools. 

718. The As iz the meekest, modestest, jentelest, quietest 
and most exemplary animal in al the wurld, and makes a 
speshalty ov minding its own biznes and keeping out ov 
trubel, and yet brazen and wiked Man haz utterly ruind 
the poor krechur's karakter by pursistent and sensles ridi- 
kule, slander and kalumny. It iz also the most harmles, 
moral and wel-behavd and intelijent ov al the krechurs. The 
truth ov the matter iz Man iz intensly jelus ov this modest 
and sensibel litel krechur, and slanders it thru pure konflu- 
ent envy and innate kusednes. If Man's kondukt woz only 
wun tenth az good az that ov the ridikuled As, thare wud 
be no need wotever for prizons and insane asilums ; neither 
wud thare be eny lawsuits nor wors, prostitushun, grafting 
and the 'numerus uther krimes that ar so rampant amung 
humans. 

Al praiz to the poor litel As, 

And may it always find plenty ov gras, 

And lede an innocent and hapy life, 

Ever fre from krime and human strife, 

And wen it kums to the end ov life's rope, 

May its spirit find rest on sum emerald slope. 

719. Dancing iz lafing and shouting with the hind-feet. 
It iz a Sexual-Moon-Orjie for the purpus ov exciting and 
plezing the females. It iz a univursal and aneshent habit 
amung the uther animals, and iz a strong proof that we ar 
ov an animal orijen ; in fakt, we kan find an animal kounter- 
part to nearly al our habits, shoing klearly an animal ances- 
try. The males ov al animals (inkluding man) hav ever 
rezorted to varius fantastik and grotesk moshuns, muve- 
ments and kontorshuns ov thair bodies for the purpus ov 
exciting the sexual pashuns ov the females, and thareby 
wining thair favors and a chanc to breed. The roosters exe- 
kute a pekuleyur foot and wing danc akkumpanied by varius 
amorus vokal sounds, wen in kumpany ov the hens only. 
Wen alone or with uther jentelmen tha never danc. The 
male-prairie-chiken exekutes a pekuleyur foot and wing 
danc akkumpanied by a series ov hollo, rumbling, booing 
vokal sounds — a lascivius dity. The turkygobler duz an od 
stunt in the form ov a foot and wing danc, or a sort ov hoo- 
che koo-che kake-wok wich he akkumpanies at short and 
regular intervals with a pekuleyur gobbel or baritone solo. 
The male pidjuns and duvs ar great hoo-che koo-che danc- 
ers and singers ov soft and lascivius luv-songs to their lady 



176 MENTAL DINAMITE 

f rends. Even the litel mail quails, (Bob Wites) sno-burds 
and sparroes sing and du mieny queer bely-rigling kake- 
woks to pleze thair lady f rends. Theze luv-dances ar only 
praktisd during the breeding-sezun, wich shoes klearly that 
tha ar for the purpus ov exciting the females sexualy. 
Theze luv-dances and amorus songs also greatly excite the 
males az wel az the females, and thus prepare both sexes for 
the fekunding akt. It iz alrijht and proper enuf in its proper 
place, az Nachur intended it az a preliminary to the propa- 
gating akt, but for yung unmarried pepel to praktis it az a 
pastime it iz ridikulus, injurius and exceedingly danjurus,. 
espeshaly to the ignorant females hoo participate in it 
With humans the males and females klasp each uther in 
klose embrace and thus go dancing and rigling around a hot 
room for hour after hour with thair bodies presd klose to- 
gether and thair excited ies probing each uther's souls for a 
sine ov pashun, and al akkumpanied by dreamy and senshuus 
muzik that helps to excite and intoxikate the pashuns and 
rekindels the wild and primeval fires in the blud. It iz no 
wunder so meny yung pepel hav dancd themselvs to ruin. 
Everything that excites the pashuns shud be karefuly 
avoided by the yung and unmarried, or tha wil soon be 
tempted into illicit plazhurs or masturbashun az a means ov 
gratifying thair arouzd pashuns. And for married pepel to 
danc with uthers than thair own huzbands or wives iz pozi- 
tivly skandalus and a strain on the 7th Kommandment. And 
then being up nearly al nite and loozing your sleep iz a flag- 
rant violashun ov Namhur's laws and detrimental to eny- 
wun. If it iz "exercise" yu want, dancing by yourself and in 
the da time wil du just az wel ; but thare iz nu thing that kan 
kompare with uceful and produktiv labor az an exercize. 
Parents shud explain the real orijen, nachur and objekts ov 
dacing to thair children, and then if tha ar not inherently 
bad and dejenerate, tha wil avoid it az tha wud eny uther 
evil. Think this over seriusly, gurls, and sum da yu wil 
bles me for riting this. Under the prezent damnabel sistem 
thare ar meny pirates hoo kondukt dancing az a "biznes," 
for the muny tha make out ov it. And then the "owners" 
ov hols want to rent thair hols, and it matters litel to them 
for wot purpus it iz put. With the overthro ov the kapitalist 
sistem and the edukashun ov the pepel, dancing wil soon dis- 
appear. 

720. Truth iz wurth 100 cents on the dolar — except in 
kapitalist society, and then it iz a drug in the market. 

721. A kind wurd and a plezant smile 

Wil shorten the longest road by meny a mile. 



MENTAL DINAMITE 177 

-J22. We ar never so bizy but wot we kan find time to in- 
sert our nozes into uther pepels' affairs. 

723. A prity child with bad manners iz homelier than an 
ugly wun with good manners. 

724. He that kan master hiz Appetites and Pashuns iz a 
filosofer, a jeneyus, a hero and a civilizd being. 

725. If a wuman had everything she wanted she wud be 
dissatisfied with most ov it ; and if a man had al he wanted 
it wud kil him in a week. Tu much and tu litel ar both in- 
jurius. 

J26. If the fools kud only get wel by duing wot makes- 
them sik, wot a helthy old wurld this wud be ! 

727. Most pepel ar such fossilizd fogies tha wud rather 
go to hel in the old orthodox way than to go to heven by eny 
new route. 

728. Most pepel ar slaves to thair Appetites, surfs ov 
thair Pashuns and survants unto thair Foolishnes. 

729. Civilizashun iz noeing wot iz rijht and duing it. It 
iz the ofspring ov Wizdum and Morality. 

730. Hoping iz dreaming wile yu ar awake, and Dream- 
ing iz hoping wile yu ar asleep. 

731. How meny kofs duz it take to make a koffin? 

732. Bitter Experience in allopathik and kontinuus doses 
iz the only thing that wil jolt the foolishnes out ov most 
pepel. 

y^2>- It takes a tun ov YVizdmm to balanc akkounts with 
a pound ov Foolishnes. 

734. If every wun had al that'z due him, thare wud he- 
lots ov chanjing from kongres and the lejislachurs to the 
penitensharies. 

735. If the Lord wil only tel me wy he made sum pepel 
I wil agre to keep it dark ; but I wud like to noe. 

736. The muny the men waste on tobako wud keep thair 
wives supplied with korsets, and the muny the wimen spend 
on korsets and face-powder wud keep thair huzbands sup- 
plied with tobako — and thare yu ar! Wen it kums to uceles 
and injurius habits it iz about a stand-of between men and. 
wimen — wun iz about az foolish az the uther iz unwize. 

737. Al pepel ar fools, but only a fu ar aware ov it; in: 
fakt, I am several kinds ov a dam-fool myself, and I am al- 
most az wel aware ov it az my nabors ar ; but it never fuly 
dawnd on me until I eskaped 30. 



17S MENTAL DINAMITE 

738. If ignoranc iz blis the. laboring men hoo vote the 
old-party tikets wud hav died ov joy long ago. 

739. DIS-PEP-SHA iz the Stumik's protest agenst indi- 
jestibel foods, and shud be heeded. 

740. Wimen ar such great enigmas the men marry them 
to solv the ridel ; and the solushun iz often a bitter disap- 
pointment. 

741. The EAR iz a sort ov side-ie to se sounds with — a 
ikind ov lateral-tung to taste noizes with. 

. 742. The LIPS ar a kising apparatus — a kape-overkoat 
for the teeth and a cellar-door for the mouth. 

743. The NOZE purforms a variety ov funkshuns; in 
fakt, it iz quite a talented subret and iz very vursatil. It 
iz an Air-Filter, a Food-Inspektor, an Odor-Tester, an 
Eliminating-Chanel, a Dubel-Barrel-Breech & Auto-Load- 
ing- Snot-Ditch, a Vokal-Aspirator, a Fashal-Ornament, a 
Spektakel-Roost, a Nokturnal-Trombone, a Snuber, an Ie- 
Partishan to prevent the lamps from winking at each uther 
and from duing erratik stunts, a Reporter, a Detektiv, a 
Sentinel, a Lantern to look with in the dark, and a probe for 
iuther pepels' affairs. 

744. Sum pepel ar so unbalancd mentaly tha ar never 
■hapy unles tha ar being humbgd and oppresd. Tha wil 
'even swindel themselvs in order to experienc the sensashun 
*ov being cheated. 

745. The only just wajes iz the ful fruit ov your labor; 
and the only way yu kan sekure the entire produkt ov your 
labor iz for yu and al uther laborers to ko-operatively own 
and operate al industries in your own interests, and thus 
'eliminate the kapitalists and al uther drones. Soshalizm wil 
;sho yu the way to du it. Vote that tiket only. 

746. The laboring man hoo votes the kapitalist tiket iz 
"wunderfuly like the sily Fly that akcepted an invitashun to 
«dine with the Spider. He iz even a biger fool than the Hi- 
bernian hoo swam the river to avoid geting wet by the rain, 
and iz almost az stupid az the relijus numskul hoo beleevs 
'that deth wil not kil him, and yet he haz got to di in order 
to reach "Heven !" And the Dutchman hoo kut a big hole 
in hiz barn door for the Old Kat to go thru, and then kut a 
smol hole along sid'e ov it for the Kitten to pas thru, iz wize 

"kompared to the laboring man hoo kontinues to vote for wot 
"he don't want and then kiks bekoz he gets wot he voted for. 

747. Ten times out ov nine human-beings ar dam-fools ; 
:and the rest ov the time tha ar just plain, al-around, stand- 



MENTAL DINAMITE 179 

ard, ungraded and "twu-for 5" fools. Katholiks ar not the 
only ignoramuses hoo hav made stupidity a sakrament and 
intelijenc a kardinal sin. 

748. If yu had everything yu wanted yu wud hav lots ov 
things the Devil himself wud gag at. Sum ov the chumps 
wud hav thair stumiks enlarjd, the oshuns chanjd into booz, 
and wud lokate by the seashore. 

749. If human-beings wur az wel supplied with brains az 
tha ar with guts, wot wize lollapaloozers tha wud be. 

750. Human-beings hitch thair Pashuns and Appetites 
to thair souls, and with Mr. Tastegood for a gide, tha quikly 
slip and slide down to the dark and shadoy relms ov diseze 
and despair. 

751. Dreaming iz kozd by sum ov the Mental Fakulties 
trying to du an errand for the Hart in the dark ; and that iz 
wy it iz so diffikult for them to get thare. 

752. Tracy woz at last forcd to shoot himself in order to 
avoid the disgrace ov being murderd by a wild mob ov blud- 
muny seekers. The state ov Oregon profeses to beleev that 
murder iz rong, and yet it offerd larj rewards to enywun 
hoo wud murder wun ov hur citizens by the name ov Tracy. 
Wot mortals theze fools du be ! 

753. The pius citizens ov Oregon and Washington hoo 
lost thair lives wile trying to ern the State's blud-muny by 
murdering Tracy, had evidently forgoten al about thair 
God's kommands : "Thou shalt not kil." "He that liveth 
by the sword shal perish by the sword," etc. Tha tried to 
liv by erning blud-muny with the Winchester and 6-shooter, 
and got it in the nek from the same implements that Tracy 
ucd so effektivly. Kristchuns shud either folio the teach- 
ings ov thair Bibel or else cece profesing to beleev in it. 
Praktis wot yu preach or preach wot yu praktis. 

754. The pius judges, in pronouncing the deth-sentenc 
upon murderers, invariably ad : "And may God hav murcy 
on your soul !" Now, if God shud hav murcy on the felon's 
soul, ivy shud not the judjes hav murcy on him, tu? Wot a 
cheeky thing it iz for the Kourt to request God to du wot it 
refuzes to du ! The kourt refuzes to sho eny murcy to the 
kondemd bekoz it konsiders such an akt illegal and rong, 
and yet it haz the nurv to ask God to du so! If thare wur 
eny such a being az an Alwize and Just God he wudn't du a 
thing to such blasfemus and impudent judjes? but make 
them look like a 3c pece after a wuman had purchasd hur 
Easter out-fit with it ! And yet we elekt such hipokrits and 



180 MENTAL DINAMITE 

numskuls to the bench to "judj" us! We ar warm lol-la-pa- 
looz-ers, we ar, and don't even need an overkoat in Alaska 
wen it iz 960 belo zero at the equator ! 

755. Wen a purson haz enuf inherent intelijenc about 
him to realize wot a detriment ignoranc iz, he at wunc be- 
gins to get rid ov hiz mental darknes ; but if he hazn't enuf 
nativ intelijenc to realize the necessity for nolledj, he wil 
pursistently oppoze every effort to enliten him, and wil pre- 
fer to remain ignorant enuf to be a Katholik and Demo- 
krat. It iz a waste ov time trying to induce him to plow hiz 
mental-soil and soe it with the seed's ov nolledj. 

756. Poming the truth of on the pepel iz the hardest job 
in al the wurld, and the rezun I hav chozen such a diffikult 
task iz bekoz I need the exercize to prevent me from geting 
tu fat. How tha wil kik and squrm wen tha find that yu 
hav told them the truth ! Tha hate the truth and shun it 37 
hours a da ; and yet the truth iz the only thing that kan 
snatch them out ov thair trubels and benefit them ! 

757. Yu kan never beter your kondishun by voting for 
the skunks hoo ar responsibel for your bad kondishun and 
hard lot. Long az yu vote for your enemies your vote wil 
help them to further throtel yu and make your lot harder. 
Vote for your own interests by voting for thoze hoo dezire 
to chanje the kondishuns that make life hard for yu. And 
thoze ar the Soshalists — tha ar the only wuns hoo want to 
du away with the prezent kondishuns and establish (by peac- 
ful and orderly means) a beter sistem — a sistem that wil 
produc plenty and hapines for al, insted ov for a fu, az the 
prezent insane sistem duz. 

758. If a wuman shoes no disappointment wen hur huz- 
band informs hur that he kannot afford hur an Easter lid, 
that iz pozitiv proof that she realy and truly luvs him and iz 
a good and sensibel wuman that eny pair ov wings wud fit. 
She iz wurth her wate in February strawberries, and hur 
huzband shud rite leters ov kongratulashun to himself. 

759. No matter how homely a wuman iz, if she haz good 
manners and iz sensibel and cheerful, she wil always be kon- 
siderd "good-looking" and wil be popular wherever she goes. 

760. The least a purson haz in hiz hed the more he wants 
in hiz guts. 

761. Wot your nabors don't noe about yu tha wil gas at, 
and sum ov them ar prity dam good gesers, tu ! 

762. Yu kan fool the publik — yu kan fool the polece, and 



MENTAL D1NAMITE 181 

yu kan fool your wife, but Fl be clamd if yu kan fool your- 
self — utiles yu ar a Demokrat. 

763. An expensivly and lavishly dresd wuman iz only an 
advertizement that hur fother or huzband iz a sukcesful 
grafter ov sum kind. 

764. If human-beings kud get the best ov the bargen by 
cheating and humbuging themselvs, thare wud be plenty ov 
helth and prosperity in this wurld. Yu kan never get the 
"best ov the bargen" by injuring yourself and uthers. Un- 
der Soshalizm the only way yu kud help yourself wud be by 
helping uthers. How much beter that wud be than the 
prezent brutal sistem wher yu kan rize only by trampling on 
uthers and keeping them down and thair faces in the dust ! 

765. Evil thots ar Vultchurs ov the mind, 
xAnd bad-wurds ar buzards ov that kind, 
And yu shud not allow such bats to find 
Asilum in your mouth and mind. 

766. Wot we noe iz az much smoler than wot we don't 
noe. az a sekund iz les than Eturnity. 

767. Mrs. Karrie Nashun, the noted Kansis Tungolojist, 
sezs that Milwauke, Wis. iz the wikedest city in the U. S. 
O. G. Az the Demokrats hav had kontrol ov that Jurman- 
Amerikan-beer-garden for a long wile, it iz surtenly cheeky 
for the leders ov that party ov organizd debauchery to want 
the whole kuntry turnd over to thair manajement. Wot 
mortals theze fools du be ! The "Komoner," Linkun, Nebr., 
pleze kopy. We think Karrie iz a litel prejudicd agenst 
Milkewauk. I think Chikago, Filadelfya, New York, St. 
Luis, Pitsburg, New Orleans and San Franfornia, Kali- 
frisko ar al ahed ov the Badjer beer-spot in kompound in- 
ikwity and konfluent depravity. 

768. If the dear gurls wud put in i/ioth ov the time 
lurning how to keep wel and develop thair minds, lurning 
how to exekute toothsum sonottas on the kook stove, and 
make dreses that wudn't injure and deform thair bodies, 
etc., that tha now waste in floking with thoze nasty, pimply, 
hi-kolar-cigaret-fiends hoo part thair hair in the center and 
ar not wurth paing the dog-tax on, tha wud be much hier of 
and wud stand a much better chanc ov kapchuring a hubby 
that kan hub. Thoze nasty brainles cigaret and kane-sukers 
kan't support a wife and tha ar not fit to breed a snake to. 
Brace up, gurls, and giv your minds a hunch in the short- 
ribs ! Enything that wastes its time smoking cigarets and 
raizing long hair and pimpels iztvt wurth shooting! And 



182 MENTAL DINAMITE 

the brainles yung fillies that graze with them hav minds az 
narro az thair korset-deformd bodies, or tha wud be ashamed 
to keep such kumpany az a long-haird klotheshors ! 

769. Wen yu ar angry kount 7-H before yu speak, and 
wen yu ar very mad yu had beter kount up the sins ov the 
Demokratik-party and repeat the Lord's Prar bakwards ere 
yu speel ; but if yu ar terribly rathy and excited yu had beter 
take the time to enumerate the krimes the Republikan-party 
haz kommited and sing the Sweet Bye & Bye krosways be- 
fore yu explode and kil your muther-in-law kuming down. 

770. Never du toda the things yu kan postpone til to- 
morro, for yu may di tonite, and then yu won't hav to du 
them at al. Pepel kud save themselvs lots ov hard wurk and 
wury by folloing this simpel rule. 

771. Wenever yu feel like saing mean things about your 
nabors, just pauz for a fu daes and think over the mean 
things tha kud just az truthfuly sa about yu; and — wel, by 
that time the wizdum and innate buty ov the old adaje 
about "pepel living in glas houses," wil break over yu with 
a fore and konvikshun that wil push yu klear of the Krist- 
mas bush. 

774. If the pepel wud only patronize the good things 
az kopiusly az tha du the bad things, the good things wud 
thrive and displace the evil wuns. Frauds wud not last 
long if tha wur not patronizd. Patronaje iz the foolish 
stream that irrigates humbugery. 

775. Men never get so bad but tha kan be impruvd by 
the kompanyunship ov good wimen; but sum wimen get so 
bad that Old Horns himself wud not assoshiate with them 
for fear ov frakchuring hiz karakter. A bad wuman iz the 
limit ov limits, and in total depravity she haz no real kom- 
petitors. 

Jj6- Trying to "purify" the blud with medicins iz like 
trying to kure the Morfene-habit with opium, the Tobako- 
habit with nikotene, and Delirium-tremens with alkohol. It 
iz equol to eting solt to quench thurst or swiming the river 
to keep out ov the rain. 

yyy. The Demo-Republikan-party iz nuthing but orga- 
nizd krookednes-syndikated raskality, konsolidated villeny 
and trustified depravity, and its adherents make a speshalty 
ov kompound kusednes and konfluent wikedness. It is a 
buzard-tapewurm that haz kancer at wun end, sifilis at the 
uther end and leprosy in the middel. It iz a bastard- 
Siamese- Jakal-Vultchur and will soon stink its dekadent, 



MENTAL DINAMITE t83 

gangrene self to deth ! Thare ! I feel releevd after geting 
that al of my mind. 

778. If I had the power to du enything I want to du,. 
I wud koz Republicans, Damfools and Bedbugs to be az 
skarce az Demokrats, Flies and Snakes ot to be. 

779. The Demokrats ar just az disonest az the Repub- 
likans, only the latter kan steal more in a da than the DemSv 
kan in a day and a haf, simply bekoz tha hav more ability 
and ar spryer than Denis. It iz only a questchun ov ability 
and kapacity, and not wun ov inklinashun. 

780. The looking-glass iz very popular with the ladies 
bekoz it enabels the fair krechurs to make luv to themselvs ; 
and it iz unpopular with the men bekoz it iz unpolitik enuf 
to reflekt a korrekt likenes ov thair homely mugs. I shal 
never forget how disappointed and disgusted I woz the furst 
time I peepd into a mirror at myself; and I hav always 
bin prejudicd agenst the kused things ever sine. 

781. The Prohibishun-party iz so infinitestimal it re- 
quires a powerful mikroscope to distinguish it from nutb- 
ing; in fakt, Nuthing iz an adult with a ful-23-juel- 
Populist-wiskers kompared with it ! It iz rapidly prohi- 
biting itself by its hipokrisy and foolishness. Thoze re- 
lijius and fanatik donkys beleev it iz posible to abolish the 
"rumtrafik" without remuving the koz ov it. The koz iz 
"profits," and long az pepel kan make profits in such an ezy 
way az manufakchuring and seling poizons to fools hoo hav 
more stumik than brains, it wil be made and sold, notwith- 
standing the prohibishun drivel to the kontrary. Let the 
Guvernment make the vile stuf absolutely pure and sel it to- 
the fools at kost, and in that way drive al privet parties out 
ov the biznes; and wen al the uther pepel wur engajd in 
sum onorabel and lejitimate biznes, the Guvernment kud 
drop the manufakchur and sale ov it entirely. If al the 
industries ov the kuntry wur ownd and kondukted by the 
whole pepel ivithout profits, al the pepel wud then be pur- 
manently employd by the Guvernment at sum lejitimate biz- 
nes, and thare wud be no wun to engaje in the damnabei 
biznes ov manufakchuring and seling hel-poizons. No wun 
engajes in a disreputabel biznes from inherent choic, but 
from necesity. Under the present kriminal sistem ov mak- 
ing a living, the rijht or rong ov a thing kuts no ice — 'the 
only questchun involvd iz: "how much muny iz thare in 
it?" At prezent pepel uzhualy engaje in wot tha kan make 
the most muny at the eziest, regardles ov its lejitimacy. If 
the Guvernment provided everywun a legitimate way ov 



184 MENTAL DINAMITE 

making hiz living, and pade him a waje equol to the ful 
produkt ov hiz labor, no wun wud think ov engajing in 
such a disreputabel and diabolikal biznes az ruining and 
injuring hiz fellomen. And if no wun wud wurk at such an 
infurnal trade, the Guvernment wud be forcd to drop it for 
want ov help. The questchun ov droping the manufakchur 
and sale ov rum, tobako, drugs, te, koffe, and al uther uce^ 
les and injurius things, kud be put to a referendum-vote ov 
the whole pepel. If no wun had eny pekuniary interest in 
the rum-biznes, etc., I am quite shure no wun wud vote for 
such evil things. And the same with the burglar — he iz 
not folloing such a danjurus and disonorabel biznes from 
choic, but from necesity ; and neither duz the milkman woter 
the milk bekoz he likes to du such disreputabel things, 
but bekoz he kan thus make more "profits." The profit- 
sistem iz responsibel for al rong and evil, and must be 
abolishd before its effekts kan disappear. Soshalizm, my 
prohibishun frends, iz the only remedy that kan rem — the 
only panacea that kan pan, and yu shud wurk for it al yu 
kan. If yu ar realy sincere in deziring to abolish the rum- 
evil, kum over unto us and we wil take yu in out ov the fog 
and sho yu the only way to reach the temperanc-port. We 
ar sailing for that same port, but we hav an iron-klad kruzer 
armd with Rezun and Justis, and we kan thus weather every 
storm and reach the port in safety. Abandon your old tub! 

782. And yet the Republikans and Demokrats wud be 
just az onest az eny wun if things wur so arranjd that tha 
kud not gain enything by duing rong. Tha don't du rong 
for the fun ov it, but solely for the "profit" thare iz in it. 
Abolish the profit-sistem and arranje things akkording to 
the Soshalist -program so that everywun wud hav to produc 
wot he konsumed, and in a fu years most eny old pair ov 
wings wud fit a Rep. or Dem. Tha ar bad only bekoz it 
pays, fianshaly, to be bad under the prezent kriminal sistem 
ov privet profits and waje-slavery. Most ov the kapitalists ar 
so ignorant tha ar unaware that it iz thair diabolikal sistem 
ov profit that iz kozing al the trubel and krime in the wurld. 
Thair ignoranc iz more at folt than thair onesty, for the 
most ov them realy desire a beter way ov living, but tha ar 
so inexpresably stupid it iz difikult to konvinc them that 
thare is a beter way. 

783. O ! wy shud the Spirit-ov-Mortal be stuk on itself, 
Wen, in the wif ov a breth 

It may tumbel klear of ov the shelf, 
And be hushd forever in Deth? 



MENTAL DINAMITE 185 

We ar not such a much after al, 

But like our long-eard bruther, the Mule, 

We hav plenty ov ears and gol, 

And ar most jeneraly always a fool ! 

784. If yu hav good dijestchun, a klear konshenc and a 
klene hide, yu wil hav no trubel about sleeping wel at nite. 
Insomnia wont even kol yu up on the long-distanc fone. 
Try it, yu durty retches ! 

785. Never kros a river until yu get to it, and not even 
then unles yu ar a good swimer and hav important biznes 
on the uther side. 

786. Yu hav probably dun just az meny mean things az 
your nabors hav — only yu haven't kept trak ov them. 

787. Wot yu don't noe about your nabors' affairs wil not 
injure your dijestchun eny, and it wil be a great benefit to 
them. • 

788. The only rezun sum pepel ar not biger fools than 
tha ar, iz bekoz it iz imposibel for them to break thair prez- 
ent rekords ov foolishnes. This espeshaly applies to the 
wurkers hoo vote for the shurkers and then kik bekoz the 
latter ride them. 

789. Wy duz the sno kum to the erth to get warm insted 
ov going to the sun? Don't al ov yu wize gies ansur at 
wunc ! 

790. God's "Goodnes and Murcy" to the Amerikan Pepel. 
On March 6, 1893, I rote t ne foloing leter to President 

Kiev eland, and sent it to the Neiv York Truth Seeker for 
publikashiin. Tha lost the manuskript and did not find it 
until the mid el ov the foloing December ; so, tha publish d it 
in thair Kristin as number for 1893. 

Littel Rok, Ark., March 6, 1893. 
Prezident Kleveland, 

Dear Sur : In konkluding your inaugural addres on 
March 4, 1893, yu sed:"Abuv al, I noe thare iz a Supreme 
Being, hoo rules the affairs ov men, and hooz goodnes and 
murcy hav always folloed the Amerikan pepel, and I noe 
that he wil not turn from us now if we umbly and reverently 
seek hiz powerful aid." Now, Mr. Kleveland, az yu noe 
thare iz a Supreme Being, yu ar just the man for hoom I 
hav bin looking theze meny years. I hav bin offering 
$20,000 reward (and the offer iz yet good) for the proof 
ov scd "Supreme Being," but I hav never yet bin abel to 
get wun iota ov proof. How du yu noe thare iz such a be- 
ing? How did yu hapen to make such a remarkabel dis- 



186 MENTAL DINAMITE 

kuvery that haz bafeld al uthers? Did yu ever se him? 
Did yu ever hear him ? Did yu ever taste him ? Did yu ever 
feel him? Did you ever smel him? If yu ever saw him, 
wot duz he look like? About how old iz he? How tol iz 
he? How much wud Hiz Nibs wae in hiz stoking-feet and 
hiz rijht mind? Wot iz hiz komplexshun? Wot iz the 
kulor ov hiz ies and hair? Duz he wear wiskers? Wot iz 
hiz nashunality? Wot ar hiz politiks and relijun? How 
did yu diskuver hiz sex? Iz he, or woz he, ever married? 
If so, wher iz Mrs. God? If yu ever hurd him, wot duz he 
sound like? Duz he sing? Iz hiz voic a bas, soprano, tenor, 
alto, baritone or kontralto? If yu ever tasted him, wot duz 
he taste like? Dur he taste kold or warm, bitter or sweet, 
acid or salene? If yu ever smeld him, wot duz he smel like? 
If yu ever felt him, wot duz he feel like? Duz he feel hot 
or kold, hard or soft, smooth or ruf, damp or dry? Wher 
duz he rezide and wher iz hiz place ov biznes? Yu sa he iz 
a ruler — that he rules the affairs ov men ; wel, then, if Mr. 
God rules the affairs ov men, for wot purpus did the Ameri- 
kan pepel elekt yu? Shurely a Supreme Being wud not re- 
quire eny assistanc? Duz Hiz Joblots also rule the affairs 
ov wimen? But if yu and he ar going to form a partnership 
for the purpus ov "ruling" us poor devils, I hope yu, Grover, 
wil se that he duz not get drunk, az he ucd to, and swear and 
roar and ride on horses and ases and storms, and order 
pregnant wimen disembowld with the sword, and make al 
the pepel drunk and raiz hel jeneraly. Try to purswade him 
to ride in a street kar, for it iz cheaper than ases and storms ; 
also try and purswade him that it iz decidedly outre to shave 
hiz feet and hed with a razor enymore, and that it iz kon- 
siderd hik-hok-jimjamikus by the 400 to appear at brekfast 
in ful evening dres and a grogy tout ensembel ; also se that 
Hiz Majesty uzes a sadel wen he rides a storm, so that he 
wont ruin hiz trouzers if the storm gets to sweting. Yu sa 
that hiz "goodnes and murcy hav always folloed the Atneri- 
kan pepel." Wy the Amerikan pepel more than eny uthers T 
Ar tha hiz speshal pets? Or ar tha such imbecils tha need a 
"Supreme Being" to woch over them ? Wher iz hiz "good- 
nes and murcy" in al ov the thouzands ov fires, reks, floods, 
famins, disezes and disasters that anualy koz the most in- 
tens sufering and the destrukshuns ov thouzands ov the 
Amerikan pepel ? Wher iz hiz "goodnes and murcy" to the 
Amerikan pepel in making 2~3rds ov thair kuntry so in- 
furnaly frijid during haf the time that thouzands mizerably 
perish from the kold every winter? And then wen he lites 
the plezant fires ov Spring in the great kookstove ov Sumer, 



MENTAL DINAMITE 187' 

the heat thus producd, akting upon the surrounding kold- 
nes, so to speak, jenerates sum 1 more ov hiz "goodnes and 
murcy" in the form ov the ring-taild, riproaring, snorting, 
deth-dealing and hel-raizing cyklone that plafuly chaseth 
uther thouzands ov the aforesed Amerikan pepel up the 
MORNING-GLORY-VINE. Then soon az the dear, 
Amerikan pepel hav planted thair krops, your God goes to 
wurk and kuts up wot "goodnes and murcy" he had left 
over from making sno, dubel-geared-litening and bobtail- 
cyklones, into smoler peces (so tha wil go further) to each 
ov wich he attaches several pairs ov legs and wings, a pair 
ov lamps that never require filing, and then, after injekting 
them with 6leeples appetites, sends them forth in the shape* 
ov kutwurms, chintz-bugs, grashoppers, etc., to destroy the 
krops ov the farmers so that tha wil hav no dout that your 
partner's "goodnes and murcy" ar shurely folloing them. 
Sumtimes this Omnipotent Kus gets reklesly jenerus and 
magnanimus toward the Amerikan pepel, and kuts hiz 
"goodnes and murcy" up into strips from 2 to 10 feet long,, 
and puts a lot ov rattels on wun end ov theze strips and a 
pair ov wiked and facinating ies, a forkd tung, a pair ov 
sharp and poizond fangs, and twu self-filing-and-never- 
empty-saks ov dedly poizon on the uther end, and then sends 
theze rithing and hising peces ov "goodnes and murcy" into 
the gras, the harvest fields, the orchard's, the woods, by 
streams and woters, amung the fruits and flowers, and in the 
paths and hiways, so that the Amerikan pepel wil hav no 
trubel in finding them. Thare ar thouzands upon thouzands ov 
the Amerikan pepel hooz faces ar horribly skard and pited 
from having kum in kontakt with sum choic bits ov your 
partner's "goodnes and murcy," in the shape ov smol-pox. 
Oh ! yes, Grover, thare iz no doubt but wot God's goodnes 
murcy," sleep with thair klothes on so az to "always" be 
redy at a moment's notis to folio the Amerikan pepel. Wy, 
I hav noen Old Man God's "goodnes and murcy" to be so 
thik in places that wun kud kut it with a nife. Wy, it ak- 
kumulated to such an extent in Chikago, in 1871, that it 
burst forth in the form ov flames and destroyd most ov the 
city. And at Jonstown, Pa., hiz "goodnes and murcy" ak- 
kumulated to such an enormus extent that tha busted the 
dam in order to folio the Amerikan pepel more klosely, and 
then did folio them so klosely and pursistantly for the next 
fu daes that thouzands ov them recevd dam damp deths az 
suvenirs ov your Almijhty partner's "goodnes and murcy." 
I suppoze that your pal's "goodnes and murcy" wur always 
folloing the Amerikan pepel from 1861 to 1865, and got so 



188 MENTAL DINAMITE 

infurnaly thik at Appomattox that the Konfederacy woz un- 
abel to wade thru it eny longer and woz kompeld to sur- 
render? I wunder how the good Suthern Demokrats wil 
like to be told by yu, Grover, at this late da, that thair down- 
fol and the liberashun ov thair slaves woz the rezult ov God's 
"goodnes and murcy" "always" folloing them ? Gover, woz 
God's "goodnes and murcy" folloing the Amerikan pepel in 
1888, wen yu wur defeated, and that pius and sniveling hi- 
pokrit, Harrison, elekted? I suppoze the ten milyuns ov 
mortgajes on the Amerikan homes ar but finanshal nom de 
plumes ov God's "goodnes and murcy" stil folloing the sed 
Amerikan pepel? And doutles al the penitenshiaries, asi- 
lums and prizons in the U. S. ar but uther forms ov God's 
"goodnes and murcy," doging the footsteps ov the Amerikan 
pepel? And I hav no dout, Grover, but wot the 700,000 
prostitutes in the United States and Kanada ar but God's 
"goodnes and murcy" maskurading in dreses, so az to more 
effekchualy kamp on the trail ov the Amerikan pepel; es- 
peshaly, the male porshun ov the Amerikan pepel? It iz a 
wunder to me, Grover, that yu did not invite this Supreme- 
Hi-Kok-A-Lorem into your kabinet, for he iz wel quolified 
for most eny ov the kabinet portfolios ; espeshaly the agri- 
kultchural and wor departments. Az he orders and kontrols 
the weather, sezuns, etc., and rides upon the storms, Hiz 
Nibs wud surtenly make a james dandy Sekretary-ov-Agri- 
kultchur. Az "hiz ies wur az a flame ov fire and hiz feet 
like fine bras, and a sharp, twu-edj-sword stiks out ov hiz 
mouth" (Rev. 1-14, 15, 16) ; and "smoke kums out ov hiz 
nostrils, and fire out ov hiz mouth" (2 Sam. 22-9) ; and 
"horns kuming out ov hiz hands" (Hab. 3-4 and 5) ; and 
"hiz tung iz a devouring fire" (Isa 30-27) ; and az he makes 
and kontrols the litenings, cyklones, erthquakes, floods, 
pestilences, and kan wok upon the sea, and kan feed 5000 
men with 5 smol biskuts and 2 litel sardenes, and hav 12 
basketfuls left over after the men had al gorjd themselvs to 
thair utmost kapacity (St. Jon 6-10 and 13), he wud shurely 
make the bangest kind ov a bang-up Sekretary-ov-Wor. 
Thare iz not a nashun on the face ov the erth that wud dare 
to takel us for a "finish-fite" or to even spar a limited num- 
ber ov rounds, if we had such a ripsnorting "hevy wate" at 
the hed ov our wor department ! \Ye wud not need to bild 
eny more expensiv, steel-armord-iron-klads, and dekorate 
them with kannon, Krup-guns, torpedoes, and uther Krist- 
chun toys with wich to "luv our nabor az ourself ;" al we wud 
hav to du in order to make our koast-defens purfekt wud be 
to ti the Amerikan flag to hiz omnipotent tail, and then hav 






MENTAL DINAMITE 189 

him strut up and down the Atlantik and Pacifik koasts every 
da on the woter, so that hiz feet wud not get hot from wok- 
ing. Now, my dear Grover, in konkluzhun I must agen re- 
quest yu to send me the proof ov the existenc ov a "Supreme 
Being" hoo iz always taging around after the Amerikan 
pepel, and yet wil not du a blamed thing for them unles tha 
pat him on the bak and sa "prity pleze" to him. The Old 
Jent must hav bin of on a fishing expedishun with yu, Gro- 
ver, wen the Galveston Flood, the Iroquois Fire, the Slokum 
Disaster and the San Francisko Earthquake took place, and 
he had not time to manifest hiz "goodnes and murcy" for 
the Amerikan pepel? Grover, yu shud hav fishd for him and 
thus let him kum bak and wind up hiz "goodnes and murcy" 
for the Amerikan donkys hoo wur stupid enuf to elekt a 
tub ov lard and guts prezident. Send me the proof and I 
wil pay yu $50,000 kash for your time and trubel, and wil 
also apolojize for thinking yu a demagog and faker. The 
proof must be such az wud be admited in the United States 
Supreme Kourt, and az yu ar a jaklcg shyster yu probably 
noe sumthing about the rules guverning evidenc. Wot a 
pity we kannot elekt a prezident hoo iz intellekchual and 
onest enuf to make a sensibel and patriotik speech on a great 
okkazhun without decending to lying and demagogery and 
rezorting to the street faker's triks ! 

Respektfuly yours, Dr. K. W. Mak. 

Altho meny markd kopies ov the Truth Seeker wur sent 
to Grover, he never tried to kapchur that $50,000; but it iz 
so much ezier to make milyuns seling out the pepel to the 
trusts and korporashuns. Mak. 

792. The "weding ring" that wimen wear in this knntry 
iz an emblem ov slavery and signifies that the wearer ov it 
haz sold hurself to a man for life in exchanje for food and 
klothes and shelter. And she on hur part haz agreed to stik 
to him til hel freezes over, wurk and slave for him, oba him, 
let him hav the exklusiv uze ov hur purson for both plazhur 
and breeding purpuses. And for fear uther males ov the 
human kind may not noe that she iz bound to him az hie in- 
dividual and exklusiv property, he forces hur to wear a 
"weding-ring" — a badj ov slavery. Yu bet he don't wear 
eny such badj ov bondlaje to let the uther females noe that he 
iz taken and that tha shud "keep of the gras;" she iz hiz 
slave and he iz the slave ov the bos for boom he wurks; so, 
she iz a slave ov a slave — the loest and most degraded po- 
zishun in the wurld. It iz no wunder so meny ov theze poor 
dupe- and slaves-ov-slaves seek releef and fredum in the 



190 MENTAL DINAMITE 

divorc mils. And then the priest haz kuningly and karefuly 
instild the folchood into hur poor slavish brain that "mar- 
rajes ar made in hevenl' and ar a "sakrament," and that it 
iz hur furst duty to submit to such a degrading slavery. Yu 
se the kapitalists must hav a new and fresh krop ov slaves 
to replace the old and worn-out wuns, and tha noe that 
thare ar no slaves so meek and obedient and stupid az thoze 
born ov slavc-mnthers. Marraje shud be an equol partner- 
ship and neither party shud be the slave and du the obaing 
and the submiting, but shud trete each uther az equols, and 
neither party shud wear eny badj ov bondaje. The "weding- 
ring" iz a relik ov slavajery and an emjblem ov slavery and 
shud be lade away with uther barbarik reliks. 

793. The United States hav the most extensiv and rapid- 
fire Divorc Mils ov eny kuntry on the fechurs ov the erth; 
but this disgraceful biznes, like al uther biznes, iz run for 
the muny that kan be made out ov it, and az thare ar mil- 
yuns in it every year, it wil kontinu to flurish along with 
prostitushun, booz-seling, tobako-dealing, gambling, lobying, 
etc., until Soshalizm puts a stop to it. 

794. The Bigest Fish in the Kapitalist Sea iz the kus hoo 
haz bin the most sukcesful in hiz swindeling and grafting 
operashuns. 

795. Long az pepel ar glutuns and don't noe how to liv 
rijht, the dental and spektakel biznes wil flurish. It iz a 
pozitiv disgrace to hav fild teeth and to wear ie-glases. 

796. Thare iz nuthing so unwize az being sik and weke, 
and nuthing that indikates so much ignoranc and supursti- 
shuns. Yu kan never get wel until yu get wize, and yu kan- 
not akquire wizdum by swolloing dope and poizons under 
the nom de plume ov "medicin!' 

797. Az we don't hav to get sik in order to be born, 
neither iz it necessary to be il in order to di, for both Burth 
.and Deth ar nachural proceses in Nachur's great and re- 
zistles Evolushun. 

798. Wen I woz about 13 my f other nu a great deal more 
than I did, but sum how or uther the "Old Man" woz never 
quite abel to make me beleev.it. 

799. United States Murder Department. 

During 1885 thare wur 1,808 murders in the United 
States. 

During 1894 thare wur 8,482 murders in the United 
States. 

Inkrece ov krime, during that period, woz 360 per cent. 



MENTAL DINAMITE 191 

Inkrece ov populashun during the same period, only 50 
per cent. 

1885 to 1904 thare wur 131,951 murders in the U. S., but 
only 2,286 ov them wur exekuted for thair krimes. 

Theze figures ar kompiled and publishd by the U. S. 
Guvernment, and sho wot a fare our Judishary-sistem iz, 
and how ezy it iz to eskape punishment for krimes if yu hav 
a "pul" or the kash to buy wun. How kimerikal and wiked 
ov thoze damd Soshalists for even dreaming ov a beter sis- 
tern ! Arn't yu real proud ov the fakt that yu ar upholding 
such miskarraje with your vote and influenc? If insanity 
keeps on inkrecing at the prezent rate the entire human race 
wil be insane in anuther hundred years ! But don't even 
think it iz posibel to hav a beter sistem, but "stand-pat" and 
"vote-the-zmy-your-grand-f others-did" and "let-zvel-enuf- 
alone!" 

800. The Litelist Minds kan make the Bigest Mistakes. 

801. A jakas may be very slo and stupid, but it iz tu wize 
and fly to wury or wurk itself to deth. 

802. Muzik haz always had a very muving effekt on me; 
wy even wen a smol lad and I wud be at the woodpile 1 with 
an ax in my hands and a look ov disgust on my face, the 
sound ov muzik wud koz me to drop the ax and sit down and 
quietly and rapchurusly listen to it — even long after it had 
cecd or had receded beyond my hearing. 

803. I am very fond ov children, and for that very rezun 
I don't beleev in bringing them into this wurld unles we kan 
properly feed, klothe and edukate them. I hate to se the 
poor litel innocent and helples things sufer for want ov the 
things tha shud hav and that al children ar entiteld to. 

804. It takes sum ov us a long time to realize that we ar 
even biger fools than our nabors think we ar. 

805. "Liiving-yoiir-nabor-az-yoiirself," iz alrijht pro- 
vided she iz not married and iz wiling for yu to du so ; and 
even then yu ar likely to frakchur the peac and dignity ov 
the 7th-Kommandment. 

806. A slave iz a chump hoo supports uthers in order to 
get a chanc to support himself. 

807. A waje-slave iz the modern fool hoo katches fish on 
the shares. 

808. The pritiest thing in this wurld iz a prity gurl hoo 
iz unaware ov it ; and the ugliest thing iz a prity gurl hoo 
iz so aware ov it that she iz stuk on hurself. 



192 MENTAL DINAMITE 

809. Life iz made up ov twu things — trubel and more 
trubel. 

810. Wen we get intelijent enuf to want a divorc from 
ourselvs, thare iz sum hope for us. 

811. Luv makes a very good diet wen wel mixd with 
uther foods, a stedy Alopathik inkum and a modikum ov 
komon sens. 

812. The man hoo' marries a wuman that don't luv him 
iz a hopeles chump hoo enjoys plaing purmanent jokes on 
himself. 

813. The wuman hoo marries a man she don't luv iz. 
mean enuf to pla indelibel pranks on hurself. 

814. Wen a man haz livd long enuf to hav tried al the- 
bad things in this wurld, he jeneraly wants to hang on a 
litel longer just to se if the Republikans wont invent sum: 
new evils. 

815. The kus hoo iz stuk on himself haz very poor taste,, 
but iz not afrade to takel a hard job. 

816. The individual hoo iz a dam- fool seldum ever de- 
velops enuf intelijenc to pry himself out ov that klas. 

817. Wen a purson realizes that he iz about az big a 
fool az he thinks hiz nabors ar. then thare iz sum hope for 
him. 

818. If kriminals wud stop and konsider the fakt that 
making a sukcesful get-away-and-sta-away komprizes 90 
per cent ov the game, fu ov them wud ever go up agenst 
such a handicap. 

819. The Medikal Kongres in seshun at Chikago in May, 
1907, sed that 3 -4th ov the graduates ar not kompetent to- 
praktis. 

820. Ignoranc iz the only darknes, and Nolledj iz the- 
only lite. 

821. Ignoranc iz a weed and Nolledj iz a flower. 

822. Ignoranc iz diseze and Nolledj iz helth. 

823. Ignoranc iz a kloud and Nolledj e iz sunlite. 

824. Ignoranc iz failure and Nolledj iz sukces. 

825. Ignoranc iz slavery and Nolledj iz fredum. 

826. Ignoranc iz a chain and Nolledj iz a wing. 

827. Ignoranc iz a diskord — Nolledj iz harmony. 

828. Ignoranc iz a stench — Nolledj iz a purfume. 

829. Ignoranc iz a stagnant pool — Nolledj iz the Restles 
Oshun. 



MENTAL DINAMITE 



193 



830. 
sun. 
8*1. 



Ignoranc iz a tallo-kandel— Nolledj iz the noon-da- 



-Nolledj iz an egel 



Ignoranc iz a fly-in-the-milk 
agenst the purpel sky. 

832. Ignoranc iz hate — Nolledj iz Luv. 

833. Ignoranc iz a tape-wurm — Nolledj iz a grape-vine. 

834. Ignoranc iz December and January — Nolledj iz 
May and June. 

835. Ignoranc iz retchednes — Nolledj iz hapines. 

836. Ignoranc iz starvashun — Nolledj iz nutrishunv 

837. Ignoranc iz krabappels and buttermilk — Nolledj iz 
peaches and kream. 

838. Ignoranc iz deka and deth — Nolledj iz growth and 
life. 

841. SINGULAR KOINCIDENCES. 

It iz awfuly amuzing wot terribel pranks the Inglish lang- 
widj wil pla with sum pepel's inishals ; for instanc, every- 
body noes that T. R. stand for Tedy Roosevelt ; but tha also, 
stand for — 

Thinest Respektability, 



Tomy Rot, 
Tapewurm Rat, 
The Revenjful, 
Trecherus Ratelsnake, 
Tammany's Rijht, 
The Ranter, 
Tokativ Razzooer, 
Tireles Ratler, 
Trifling Rezuner, 
Timely Trimer, 
Terribel Roar, 
The Raskal, 
To Return, 
To Rulership, 
Terribel Ruler, 
Totaly Rancid, 
To Ruin, 
To Rum, 
To Rome, 
Tainted Relijun, 
Total Raskality, 
Trikv Ringster, 
Terribel Raket, 
Tratorus Reformer, 
Tufest Roue, 
Titeld Rake, 



Tipling Repeater, 
Trecherus Rooster, 
Trusts' Releef, 
Trusts' Relianc, 
Thair Redeemer, 
Taft's Rooter, 
Tailles Rat, 
Terribly Roten, 
Tarnishd Rifraf, 
Tawdry Rag, 
Tafy Retailer, 
Tusk Revealer, 
Toothful Rumpus,. 
The Rantankerus, 
Torrid Roadster, 
Tu Rambunkshus, 
Trashy Rake, 
Tok Roten, 
Totalv Reducd, 
The Ruffian, ' 
Tuberkulosed Roof,. 
Tory Relativ, 
Tuskd Rinoceros, 
The Rinestone, 
Time's Regret. 



194 



MENTAL DINAMITE 





TBDY'S AKROSTIK. 




T-he 








S42. 


H-artles 




Tedy's Pals. 




E-lefant 


843. 


T-ake 


T-ried 




O-bliterator 




A-l 


A-nd 




D-evoid 




F-or 


F-ound 




O-y 




T-rusts. T-ainted. 




H-ijhtusnes 










E-vermore 






T-rechery 
A-ssassinashur 




li-anting 






F-olchood 




O-ld 






T-rezun. 




O-dius 


HARRIS . E 




S-truting 




844. 


H-el's 




E-gotist 






A-troshus 




V-ery 






R-askaly 




E-laborate 






R-enegade 




L-iar 






I-diotik 




T-u. 






S-hameles 


845. 








O-dius 


DEBS. 








N-asty 


— 








G-angrenus 


D-eliteful 






R-eptil 


E-rnest 








E-ntirely 


B-rave 








Y-ello 


S-incere. 






O-nery 










T-recherus 










I-sane 










S-kunk. 



"846. Neglekt and Indiferenc soon destroy luv. 

847. Disappointment iz the soil in wich Luv iz jeneraly 
buried. 

848. The human, hart that iz destitute ov luv and sym- 
pathy iz a Klondike dezert. 

849. The Optimist iz an Abnormal Stumik that only 
sees the donut, wile the Pesimist iz a Dispeptik Liver that 

-only vues the hole ; but the Soshalist iz a Normal Appetite 
that wants to make the hole so extensiv we kan al get in it, 
and from that safe and shure pozishun, ete the kake. 

850. Thare ar meny ways a fly may get in our soup, but 
that makes no diference to us after we hav diskuverd hiz 
flyship in our konsomme. 

851. Berger iz making a noiz in Kongres that sounds 
like a statesman insted ov a politishan. 



MENTAL DINAMITE 195 

852. The "M, D" after a name uzhualy signifies that 
the individual iz much demented. 

853. Helping uthers with thair burdens always litens 
our own loads a litel. 

854. Wot this wurld needs iz more brains and les guts — 
and then we'd hav more flowers and les weeds. 

855. It kosts the pepel ov Kansas City more than $2,- 
000,000 a year to feed the dogs, kats, rats and mice — to sa 
nuthing ov the bedbugs, mosketoes, Demokrats and Repub- 
likans. Kudn't that muny be put to a beter purpus? 

856. The best way to make a good wuman ov your wife 
iz to be a good huzband to hur ; and the most sukcesful way 
to make your huzband a good man iz to let the onery kus 
realize every da that he got the best of the bargan wen he 
married yu. 

857. Under the prezent (iqii) kapitalist sistem thare 
ar fuly ten milyun men in the U. S. O. G. hoo ar elijibel for 
matrimony and wud enter that normal state if tha kud sup- 
port a family — but tha kan't and ar thus forcd to remain 
singel and deny themselvs and ten milyun wimen and gurls 
an opportunity to enjoy the manifold blesings ov marraje 
and parenthood ; and yet the kapitalist pres kontinues to 
drool about "Soshalizm wanting to break up the home" and 
being in favor ov 'race-suicide/ " etc. I wunder wot thoze 
imbecils and jurnalistik harlots imajin thoze 20,000,000 
human beings wud be duing on Sundaes and legal holidaes, 
if married, if not helping to sidetrak "race-suicide?" Tha 
kudn't hardly put in al da Sunda reading the base-bol paje 
ov the kapitalist papers. 

858. Nuthing so effekchualy keeps a man at the botum 
ov the lader az leaning agenst saloons and uther publik bild- 
ings with hiz hind legs krosd, a cigaret in hiz durty mouth 
and his unwashd forepaws buried deep in hiz trouzer pokets 
and thus ideling away hiz time. Eny vakant minded and 
bakboneles animal kan keep itself at the nadir ov the klas 
by folloing the abuv recipe. 

859. Wen a man marries a wuman he duz not luv he 
haz simply and emfatikaly kikd himself in the hart with both 
feet and legalizd it ; in fakt, he haz only akquired a purma- 
nent sandbur for hiz soul. 

860. The lexikons define trezon az "giving aid and kum- 
fort to the enemy," and akkording to military law iz such a 
grave and serius krime az to merit the deth penalty. Now, 
wenever a wurker buys a kapitalist paper he iz giving aid 



196 MENTAL DINAMITE 

and kumfort to hiz enemies and 1 the enemies ov hiz klas — 
and iz gilty ov trezon and ot to be shot — so ful ov holes with 
vSoshalist ideas and ideals that hiz onery and durty hide 
wudn't hold kobs let alone woter. 

861. Kansas City only haz about 350,000 human beings, 
(inkluding Demokrats and Republikans) but iz kursd with 
about 13,013,013 dogs. Nuthing so shoes the dekadenc and 
dejeneracy ov a pepel az its kraving for the society ov 
kanines. Kapitalizm iz so rapidly and abnormaly develop- 
ing the animal instinkts and loer pashuns az to render ani- 
mal kompanyunship konjenel and for the same rezun 
the grocers sel more tobako than flour. 

862. A home without a muther iz about like a river with- 
out woter — a garden without a flower — a stumik without 
food, and a hart without luv. 

863. Nuthing so butifies wun's hands az uzing them in 
uceful labor and employing them in uplifting uthers. 

864. The best thing for the komplexshun iz a kombina- 
shun ov good helth with kind and plezant smiles. 

865. If pepel fed thair minds wun tenth az much az tha 
du thair guts tha wud soon hav bawindoes on thair fore- 
heds insted ov on thair belies. 

866. The best thing for baldheds iz plenty ov — hair. 

867. Vurchu iz only sexual rijhtusnes and looks mijhty 
good to most pepel after t-ha get tu old to be frisky eny 
longer. 

868. Wen a man gets so bad and lo-down that hiz wife 
and dog forsake -him, it iz time lor him to join the Demo- 
kratik party and run for alderman in Armourdale. 

869. Willoplumes on a wuman's hat ar almost az uceles 
and expensiv az koktails on a man's breth. 

870. The truth iz the only thing that wont krak wen yu 
stretch it. 

871. Yes, the kost ov living iz kuming down konsider- 
ably, for I notis that radium iz now quoted at only $525,- 
200,000 per pound ; that wil surtenly be welkum news to the 
poor wurking pepel hoo voted for the BIG BELY and 
P-R-O-S-P-E-R-I-T-Y ! If the plutes wud only reduce the 
price ov dimunds and au-to-no-feels a lit el now wen so meny 
ar out ov employment and starving, tha wud surtenly be en- 
titeld to hav a new set ov willoplumes on thair glory krowns. 

872. Voting for wot yu .don't want for fear yu wudn't 
get wot yu did want in kace yu voted for that, iz very much 



MENTAL DINAMITE 197 

like cheating yourself at a game ov solitaire in order to win 
the game. 

873. If a man had the jumping abilities ov a fie, in pro- 
porshun to hiz size, he kud jump a mile in 3 jumps ; and if 
he had the lying abilities ov the Globe-Demokrat and Chi- 
kago Tribune he kud bamboozel St. Peter into leting him in 
19 years before he reachd the Pearly Gate. 

874. If yu hav good helth, a klear konshenc and a klene 
hide, yu kan sleep wel at nite — even if your bed iz only the 
soft side ov an oak board with a diagonal not-hole in it for 
a pillo. 

875. Marrying for muny iz very much like living to 
avoid funeral expenses — it's a kace ov the Stumik seling the 
Hart for a meal tiket. 

876. Time iz the Inevitabel Kus that finaly makes us al 
look like 30 cents with nuthing on but its iebrows and a 
kupel ov pale f rekels. 

877. Kansas City (1911) only haz 3 drawbaks — the Re- 
publikan party iz wun ov them and the Demokratik party iz 
the uther twu. 

878. Thare iz no butyl equol to the inturnal or soul-buty 
— and it iz the only kind that TIME kan't hang frekels on 
and rinkel the stufn out ov. 

879. Meny a yung lady haz witend hur hands, softend 
hur hart and butified' hur soul by taking of hur dimund 
rings and store hair and helping hur dear old muther with 
the hous wurk. 

880. Foolishnes iz Ignoranc kiking itself in the slats 
with both feet and enkoring itself with both hands. 

881. Damfoolishnes iz Stupidity, Hipokrisy and Koncete 
duing an old-fashund-muzel-loading-flintlok-Sam Jones- 
Karrie Nashun-Bily Sunday-Tedy Roozevelt sort ov a Sa- 
lome danc on al fours just to astonish the nativs and keep 
the lime-lite from geting rusty. 

882. The Missouri River iz the greatest fruit tre in the 
state — bekoz it bears kurrents every da in the year. 

^St,. Soshalizm iz not a kut-and-dried skeme by wich a 
fu wize gies kan slip by St. Peter without giving the koun- 
tersine wile the Old Jent iz deeply absorbd in the thriling 
and howling slop ov the War Kry and the Ladies' Home 
Jurnal, but a praktikal and sensibel plan for the wurkers to 
own and kontrol thair own lives and everything necessary 
to render life normal, komplete and hapy. 

SSt,. The best way to be butiful iz to be good and uce- 



198 MENTAL DINAMITE 

ful — fly over into your nabors' bak yards okkazhunaly and 
help them skratch wurms and plant flowers and fruit trees. 

884. Thare iz no real kuraje except that wich kums from 
the konshusnes ov being rijht and haz the uneyun label ov 
your soul stampd upon it. 

885. Thare iz sumthing sweet, komplete and soul-satis- 
fying about duing rijht that nuthing else kan giv — it pur- 
fumes the soul with a fragranc that never wears of. 

886. Skandal iz a fleet-footed and swift-wingd buzard 
that runs and flies in every direkshun at; wunc. 

887. The soft and "tender lulabys that a yung muther 
sings to hur furst babe ar the purest and sweetest muzik in 
al the wurld. 

888. The truth iz a slo traveler, but eventchualy gets 
thare with both feet and al its bagaje. 

889. Greater Kansas City haz about 350,000 populashun 
now, and yu kan find most eny old thing thare except 
rijhtusnes, for the Republikans and Demokrats hoo ar in 
komplete kontrol ov the city wil pozitivly not stand (nor 
sit, either) for eny such obsolete thing az rijhtusnes. Yu'v 
got to hike away out into the wilds and tames ov Lawrenc 
to find that. 

890. Wenever yu get sumthing for nuthing the uther 
fello got nuthing for sumthing; and wen he gets hiz lamps 
peeld and begins to blink yu kol him an "undezirabel citi- 
zen" and a Soshalist. 

891. "Life (under kapitalizm) iz just wun dam thing 
after anuther!" but under Soshalizm it wud be twu beter 
things after each good wun. Let's try it. 

892. Yes, thare'z a silver lining to every kloud if yu 
kan only find it ; for instanc, wen the sno flies the mosketoes 
don't, and wen yu hav nuthing to ete yu wil not sufer from 
gout and obesity. 

893. Wen it kums to plaing the real old-fashund-al-soul- 
and-a-hart-wide Romeo in pink and purpel tites, a bul pidjun 
haz us al bakd of the roof and labeld 30 cents with lavender 
pigment. 

894. Poor pepel shud raiz more chikens and les children, 
for tha kan sel the chikens or ete them — but tha kan't giv 
the kids away. 

895. TIME iz Nachur's undertaker, and the PAST iz 
the Cemetery-ov-the-Ajes — the Nekropolis-ov-Eturnity. 

'896. Wy iz Prospekt avenu like an old maid? Bekoz 
thare iz no prospekt ov it'z chanjing its name. 



MENTAL DINAMITE 199 

897. Iz it a mere ko-incidene that al ov the folloing 
wurds kommenc with C just bekoz Chikago duz? 

Commercialism, crime, cash, crazy, calamity, Christless, 
cowardly, cold, consumption, catarrh, cancer, contemptible, 
cantankerous, cloudy, crude, cussedness, crumble, cham- 
pagne, condemned, corrupt, catastrophe, consume, coarse, 
careless, capper, cadet, characterless, cur, cuss, competition, 
carbuncle, chump, chiggers, conceit, cheat, corns, crooked, 
confusion, crafty, cobra, coyote, calumny, crabs, cat, cater- 
piler, cynical, cormorant, cage, clumsy, clandestine, cata- 
lepsy, clamy, creepy, corpse, chilly, crucify, cinch, corpulent, 
clang, cyanide, contempt, Caligulia, can't, cross, centipede, 
cruel, cough, cesspool, chippy, chain, cops, carcass, contrary, 
constipation, coffin,, corruption, craven, caries, choke, crip- 
ple, cadaver, cemetery, cramps, callous. 

898. Wot a Stranje Fantasy Life iz enyway — we'r here 
Tomorro and Yesterda we may be Toda sum place else, and 
Afterwile we may be Yesterda and not Tomorro yet, wile 
Toda we ar kuming and going toward Yesterda and To- 
morro at the same time. Wen we konsider theze fakts it iz 
no wunder so meny ov us get our trolys twisted and bekum 
lost along the way ; and az a finality the wurms hold an "Old- 
Settlers'-Piknik" on our remains and indulj in meny plezant 
and sarkastik smiles wile re-kounting the numerus and jucy 
stunts we puld of at our own expens and imajind we wur 
having a good time. 

898^2. "City Bakteriolojist, Harris, ov St. Luis, inves- 
tigating a roten eg, found that it kontained 4,700,000,000 
bakteria." — News Item. Must hav bin a Roozvelt eg and 
sumbody ot to thro it at the Kansas City "Star. 

899. "Jak and Jil 

Went up the hil, 

To get sum moonshine in thair pail — 
Jak fel down 
And broke hiz krown, 

And Jil hurt hiz hind foot on a nail." 
Tha must hav bin drunk and shud hav remaind in the 
hous and sent the wimen-fokes out after the snake-juce. 

900. Tnsurjent — A pussy-footed and lady-like old fos- 
silize! hipokrit hoo votes for the kapitalist sistem every 
chanc he gets and then pretends to be shokd at sum ov the 
evil efTekts ov that sistem. 

901. In going from Kansas City to St. Apolis and Minne 
Paul during the sumer ov 191 1, I kept my lamps peeld al 



200 MENTAL DINAMITE 

along the way to se if I kud find a kace ov Rijhtusnes, but 
didn't even hear ov a kace til I reachd Ottumwa. Tha had 
wun kace thare but had it quorantened, and I woz unabel 
to se it. 

902. Sum gurls ar so prity it makes them foolish, and 
wen a gurl gets foolish she ceces to be butiful. 

903. A kulord wuman and hur litel son, a lad about 6 
years old, wur traveling thru Iowa on a Rok Hand train wen 
the lad spied a larj herd ov blak Holstien katel in a field. 
After woching the dusky bovenes awile he turnd to hiz 
muther and exklaimd : "O momma ! se the tulord tows !" 

904. Wot part ov the Bibel menshuns soks? 
Wy, the book ov Hosea, ofkours. 

905. Every medicin botel iz heded for the cemetery. 

906. Prejudic iz a dark and dethsum shado that keeps 
the mind in the darknes ov the Past. 

907. Man's ignoranc iz the Great-Iron-Gate that shuts 
him out ov heven. 

908. Most ov the trubel in this wurld iz kozd by pepel 
trying to make a profit of each uther. 

909. If men treted thair wives az tha expekt thair wives 
to trete them, divorces wud be az skarce az truth in kapital- 
Ist papers. 

910. Surjikal Operashuns — Kuting into pepel's bodies in 
order to reach thair poket-books. 

911. A Finanshal Transakshun — Robing pepel and kol- 
ing it "biznes." 

912. A Kongreshunal Investigashun — Exonerating and 
witewashing kapitalist kriminals that the "Investigating 
Kommitte" duz not dare to send to the penitenshary. 

913. Luv— That Stranje and Mysterius SUMTHING 
that kozes a 300-pound man to let a 90-pound wuman bos 
him. 

914. Luv — A mental jurm that makes us hapy wile 
wurking for uthers. 

915. And poor old Jon R. Walsh kurled up and hit the 
Morning-Glory-Vine with al fours just 9 suns after he had 
gaind hiz relece from, prizon. Yes, Jon, "life iz just wun 
dam thing after anuther !" And how yu ucd to nok us poor 
Soshalists in your Chikago Kronikel; and yet we wur wel 
aware at the time that al your loud and ridikulus fulmina- 
shuns agenst us woz but an old ruze to distrakt attenshun 
from your own misdeeds wich yu wur then puling of fast 



MENTAL DINAMITE • 201 

and regularly on al ov us, and without eny regards to our 
relijun or politiks. Goodbye, Jon, and may yu be abel to 
bamboozel St. Peter az ezily az yu did Warden McClaughry. 

916. Suicide — Pushing wun's self over the Brink-ov-the- 
Probably before the railroads or doktors du the job for him. 

917. Bedbugs — Flat and dauntles litel insekts, ov the 
wingles and wurdles variety, that hav no equols in kozing 
nokturnal profanity. 

918. Leaning agenst saloons and uther publik bildings 
with your hind legs krosd and suking cigarets iz the shurest 
and quikest way in the wurld to reach the botum ov the 
lader. 

919. How foolish to employ medicin doktors to "Kure" 
yu wen it iz to thair finanshal interest to keep yu sik and 
doktor you every year ; and it iz equoly az idiotik to elekt 
jak leg trust atturnys to akt az your jud'jes and lawmakers. 
Wot wud yu think ov flies that elekted spiders to make laws 
for them? Yes, kik yourself! 

920. Wen the railroads, mines, faktories, etc., kil a pur- 
son tha never send a bil to the relativs ov the dececd and 
ask sed relativs to pay them for kiling thair luvd wun — only 
the doktors hav the nurv to du that ; in f akt, the medikoes 
ar almost az hartles and shameles az the priests hoo offer, 
for a konsiderashun, ofkours, to pra the soul ov ded pepel 
out ov "Purgatory." 

920^. The old-fashund "Litening-Rod-Ajent" hoo, in 
hiz da, waz konsiderd the nurviest and slikest raskal on erth, 
iz now a Sunda-skool pupil by komparison with sum ov the 
20th century grafters. 



202 



MENTAL DINAMITE 



921= THE 3 FOOLS. 

There ar 3 fools in our family — my wife iz wurr ov them, 
and I am the uther twu ; but we'r just az hapy az if we had 

good sens. 
922. 




Yesterda. 



To-da. 
Sa, Wot'z The Uce? 



Tomorro. 



923- 




Herr Jackson von Ahsse, 

a quiet, modest and wel- 
behaved animal that man 
slanders thru envy. 



A FU JAKAS DON'TS. 
By The Jakas. 

1. I don't flurt nor part my hair 
in the midel to balance my brains. 

2. I don't turn my trouzers up 
from the botom and wear shouting 
soks. 

3. I don't drink booz, smoke cig- 
arets nor chu gum and tobako. 

4. I don't wear korsets, hi-heel 
shues, spektakels nor fild teeth. 

5. I don't take medicin, get vaxi- 
nated nor di ov sifilis, kancer, para- 
lysis and insanity. 

6. I don't rite alledjd umor about 
the muther-in-law nor indulj in such 
mental cigarets and brain-storms az 
"Nik Karter," Jawra-Lean-Lippy, 



The Ladies'-Dome-Kernel, "War Cry" and Yello Jaket. 



MENTAL DINAMITE 203 

7. I don't vote the kapitalist tikets nor read thair lit— 
erachnr, wurk 16 hours a da to make a poor living, spend 
haf my wajes on booz and tobako and then bello about "hard 

times!" 

8. I don't hang around saloons nor frequent the "Red- 
Lite-Distrikt." 

9. I don't pla poker, foot-bol, wor nor tiddlewinks. 

10. I woz never in an insane asilum, the penitenshary nor 
kongress. 

11. No grand-jury every indited me and my pikchur iz 
shy in the "Rogue's Galery." 

11. I don't gosip, graft nor insert my noze in uther 
pepel's biznes. 

12. I don't wear fifty-dolar willo-plumes on my hat, ride 
around in an auto-no-feel with a laundried and manikured 
poodel dog az a kompanyun and smoke so meny cigarets and 
drink so much booz and koffe that I hav to take opiates in 
order to sleep at nite. 

13. I don't waste my muny on booz, tobako, gambling 
and ''uther wimen," and then tel my wife she iz very extrav- 
agant and wil have to kut down the houshold expenses. 

14. I don't li and cheat and short-wate my kustomers al 
week and then go to sum fashunable church on Sundaes and 
sing, "I Want To Be An Anejel" and "O How I Luv Jesus." 

15. I don't belong to a "labor uneyun" and loudly boast 
about being a good uneyun man, and then woltz up to the 
pols every elekshun and vote a strate skab-tiket. 

16. And I'm not foolish enuf to wury and wurk myself 
to deth for uthers in order to get a chance to support my- 
self ; in fakt, I'm not such a dam jakas az lots ov pepel think 
I am. » 

923^. IGNORANC iz wot puts most ov us on the 
Hog-Train and PREJUDIC keeps us thare ; and pepel hoo 
ar sik and disezd most ov the time ar furst-klas pasenjers on 
that train, and its destinashun iz the Cemetery ; a Medicin- 
Botel iz the enjineer. 



j > 



204 



MENTAL DINAMITE 

MORAL. 






FREN0L0JI5T 



924. FREXOLOJY or MINDOLOJY iz the sienc ov 
Human Nachur, and sienc iz wot we noe about a thing; 
tharefore, Frenolojy iz wot we noe about the Mind and its 
varius manifestashuns koled Human-Nachur. The human 
brain iz kompozd ov 43 separate and distinkt parts noen az 
mental-organs or fakulties ; now, each ov theze 43 mental 



MENTAL DINAMITE 205 

citizens purforms a separate and distinkt funkshun, and al 
ov theze mental funkshuns taken together kollektivly, az a 
whole, konstitute that great krazy-quilt koled the Human 
Mind or Soul, and the koining or transmutashun ov this 
Human Mind or Soul into akshun or kondukt iz koled Kar- 
akter or Human-Nachur. Each fakulty, wen larj and 
wel-developd, iz klamoring and striving to hav its dezires 
and impulses koind into akts; tharefore, it iz quite 
evident that thoze fakulties that ar the larj est and best 
developd bekum the most aktiv and influenshal in forming 
and modifying the karakter and direkting and kontroling the 
individual's kondukt or kours in life ; henc, by being abel to 
diagnose the size and quolity, etc., ov theze fakulties, it iz 
quite ezy to delineate wun's karakter. Five ov theze fakul- 
ties I designate az TRUBEL MAKERS or MENTAL 
BANDITS, for tha make al the trubel amung human beings. 
Theze bandits ar noen az Alimentivnes or Aptetite for foods 
and drinks ; Akquizitivnes or luv ov muny and property ; 
Amativnes or the sex-pashun ; Destruktivnes or the murder- 
f akulty ; Pride or the dezire for the appruval ov uthers. By 
understanding this fakt it iz quite ezy for the uther 38 men- 
tal citizens to keep theze 5 bandits in their proper places and 
under komplete kontrol. This nolledj iz partikularly valu- 
abel to parents, teachers and thoze in charj ov penal and 
uther publik institushuns. It iz ridikulus to let 5 fakulties 
bos and kontrol the uther 38, and thus keep the individual 
and the kommunity in trubel. I often find kaces wher just 
wuii ov theze bandits shoots up the whole mental city, so to 
speak, and inaugurates a rayn ov disorder and anarky. The 
kapitalist sistem with al its kompetishun and strife so- kon- 
stantly and abnormaly stimulates theze Mental Bandits az to 
keep them in a disezd or unnachural kondishun, and thus 
enables them to bos or kontrol al the uther fakulties. It iz 
in this way that the kapitalist environment purverts Human 
Xachur and makes dejenerates and kriminals ov so meny 
pepel. Human Nachur, per se, iz alrijht — the trubel iz 
wholy with the bad environment, and that iz wot we Sosha- 
lists propoze to chanje so that the Good Fakulties (the uther 
38) wil hav a chanc to bekum properly developd, and thus 
lede and kontrol the Bad Wuns az Nachur plainly intended 
tha shud. A boy reard in a saloon and gambling den wil 
not gro up to be a normal and moral young man — and 
neither wud a gurl hoo woz brot up in a banyo develop into 
a moral and vurchuus yung woman : and likewize. neither 
wil Human Nachur be normal wen nurchurd in such a 
fungus environment az the kapitalist sistem with al its roten 



206 MENTAL DINAMITE 

kondishuns and unnachural temptashuns to rong-duing. 
"That wich ye sow shal ye also reap." 

// eny ov my readers want a komplete delineashun ov 
thair karakters, talents, biznes adaptashuns, matrimonial re- 
quirements, etc., send me twu pikchurs ov yourself — a frunt 
and a side vu — and I mil send a typeriten delineashun or 
mental invoic ov your mental siok ov goods with plain direk- 
shuns how to develop and inkrece the valu and ucefulnes ov 
sed mental-goods, and in this way tha kdn make the best 
uce ov al thair nachural talents and powers and thus acheev 
the hiest sukces and greatest hapines. The fe for this de- 
lineashun iz $5. 

925. Thare iz ever prezent within the Human Mind, 

A vage and yurnful longing for wot it wil never 

find; 
And the Soul duth ever yurn and krave 
To noe wot iz beyond the portals ov the Grave. 

926. The wizest and best pepel in the wurld ar thoze hoo 
liv rijht and du al tha kan to lift uthers up to the lite; 
and Rijht-Living simply konsists in komplying with 
NACHUR'S laws and duing al we kan to lift uthers up out 
ov the primeval darkness ov an ww-nachural life, in order 
that tha, tu, may experienc the sweet and manifold blesings 
ov a komplete and normal life. 

Wishing al my readers a hapy life and a plezant deth, I 
am most sincerely vours for Thruth, Justis, Liberty and 
Helth, KLARENCE WADE MAK, Feb. 19, 1903. 

P. S. — If this book hazn't rekonciled yu to deth and made 
yu want to di, then yu don't dezurv to kroak at al, but shud 
liv forever and be kompeld to read al my uther books. Such 
a fate wud be plenty good enuf for you. 

THE AUTHOR. 

Note. — Most ov the material in this book waz koncevd 
and riten between Jan. 1, 1897 an( ^ Feb. 19, x 9°3- From 
July to December, 1906, I revizedi it and added a litel to it, 
kompleting the revizshun on Dec. 6, 1906. 

Yu hav a right to kriticize eny book, and akcept or rejekt 
it, but yu hav no rijht to pursekute nor iltrete the author 
for riting it. In riting this book I hav only sed wot / beleev 
to be tru and for the best interests ov my fellomen. If I hav 
erred (and hoo haz not?), remember that I am only a 
human-being and am quite falibel, and my nolledj is very 
limited. I hav bin onest with mvself and hav dun the best 



MENTAL DINAMITE 207 

I kan; and my book, like al uthers, wil hav to run the gaunt- 
let ov smiles and frowns. K. W. MAK, Dec. 6, 1906. 

Lansing, Michigan. 
P. S. — During the sumer and fol ov 191 1 I agen revizd 
this book and aded about 100 new chunks to it. Konkluded 
Nov. 28, 191 1, at St. Joseph, Missouri. — The Author. 

Yu shud read 
THE LAWS-ov-HELTH, 

BY 

DR. K. W. MAK, 

Author ov 
Mak's Gramar ; Ekoes From The Hart ; Heven-On-Erth, etc. 
In kloth binding only. Price, $300. 

Publishd by Dr. Mak & Himself, at Kansas City, Mo. 
The Laws-ov-Helth iz the best and most remarkabel 
book that wuz ever publishd on the subjekt ov helth and 
disezes. It gives his new and komplete methods ov geting 
rid ov al disezes, wekeneses and bad-habits without medi- 
eins or the aid ov doktors, and wil save yu and your family 
al siknes and doktor bils if yu folio its plain instrukshuns. 
Yu kan never get wel by the old methods and this book wil 
tel yu wy, and it teaches the only way that helth kan be 
attaind and prezervd. The wun thing al sik pepel lak iz 
certain nolledj, and this book furnishes that nolledj and 
„ how to apply it ; in uther wurds thare ar surten things yu 
must du in order to get wel and remain so, and this book 
tels yu wot thoze things ar and how to du them. In 1902 
Dr. Mak diskuverd wot kozes Katar, Bronkitis, Azma and 
Konsumpshun, Hayfever, etc. In 1904 he diskuverd wot 
kozes Rumatizm, Xuraljia and Piles. It iz the onlv book on 
erth that realy explains Paralysis and Lost Manhood. 
Ninety per cent ov al sik pepel kan regain thair helth in a 
fu months (from 1 to 12 munths) bv geting this book and 
folloing its plain instrukshuns. This book wud be no good 
for mekanikal injuries, rupchurs, Konsumpshun in the last 
staje, Kancers that ar internal and far advancd, Brite's 
Diseze in the last staje and Paralysis in pursons past 80. 

The folloing index will giv yu a beter idea ov the karakter 
and skope ov this remarkabel book. 

INDEX TO LAWS OV HELTH 
Each chapter iz numberd. I, Fonetik Speling: 2, Pre- 
face: 3, Rijht Living the Only Remedy; 4, Shooting at 
Shadoes : 5. The Fundimentals ov Helth and Life; 6, The 
15 Elements Kompozing Human Bodies; 7, The Amount 



208 MENTAL DINAMITE 

and Kind ov Blud ; 8, How the Blud Bekums Unbalancd 
and Impure; 9, Dijestchun; 10, The Stumik and Its Funk- 
shuns ; 11, Eting Tu Much and To Often; 12, The Liver and 
Its Funkshuns ; 13, The Spleen and Its Funkshuns ; 14, Assi- 
milashun; 15, Variety ov Foods; 16, Inkompatibel Mixt- 
churs; 17, Drinks; 18, Tobako, Narkotiks and Medicins; 19, 
Ventilashun; 20, Klenlines and Bathing ;2i, Hair, Wiskers 
and Baldheds; 22, Klothing; 23, Exercize, Rest and Sleep; 
24, Breds, Kakes, Pies and Pastries; 25, Woter; 26, Sleep; 
27, Temperachur and Altitude ; 28, Klenlines ; 29, Elektricity 
and Erth ; 30, Sunshine and Moonlite; 31, Liberty; 32, Luv, 
Reprodukshun and Kompanyunship ; 33, Marraje, Of- 
spring and Homes ; 34, Thurobred Children ; 35, How to 
Kontrol the Sex ; 36, Painles Childburth ; 37, How to Feed 
Babies ; 38, Katar, Bronkitis, Azma and Konsumpshun ; 39, 
Hay Fever; 40, Tretement for Kolds, etc.; 41, Kroup and 
Its Tretement; 42, Diftheria and How to Trete It; 43, 
Numoneya and How to Trete It; 44, LaGrip; 45, Mumps 
and Tonsilitis; 46, Fevers, Inflamashuns and Ulcerashuns ; 
47, Smolpox Not Kontajus nor Danjurus; 48, Tumors, 
Goiters, Sores and Kancers ; 49, Skin Disezes; 50, Worts 
and Moles; 51, Piles, Fistulas and Rektal Disezes; 52, Kon- 
stipashun, Appendicitis and Intestinal Disezes; 53, Diarrea 
and Kolera Morbus; 54, Indijestchun, Dispepsha and 
Stumik Ailments ; 55, Disezes ov the Liver, Pankreas and 
Spleen ; 56, Disezes ov Kidnys and Blader ; 57, Rumatizm, 
Nuraljia and Gout; 58, Defnes and Ear Ailments; 59, Opti- 
kal Ailments; 60, Disezes ov Hart and Blud Vesels; 61, 
Brain and Nurv Ailments; 62, Paralyses, Lokomotor 
Ataxia ; 63, Hedakes and Epilepsy ; 64, Insanity and Krime ; 
65, How to Kare For and Prezurv the Teeth; 66, Disezes 
and Wekeneses Ov Wimen; 67, Disezes and Wekeneses 
Pekuleyur to Men; 68, Lost Manhood; 69, Seminal Loses 
and Spurmatorea ; 70, Surkumcizhun and Masturbashun ; 
71- Venereal Disezes; 72, Strickchurs, Prostatetis and Gleet; 
73, Wurmolojy; 74, Tretement for Booz, Tobako and Opium 
Habits ; 75, Mental Influences in ITelth and Disezes; y6 y 
Kompozishun ov Foods; JJ, Time Required for Dijestchun; 
78, Proper Hites and Wates for Humans; 79, Disezes ov 
Domestik Animals; 80, The Temperaments; 81, Frenolojy 
and How to Read Karakter at Sijht; 82, Aurevoir and 
Doxolojy. 

In each chapter wil be found komplete direkshuns how to 
trete the ailments menshund in that chapter. Yu kan't get 
wel by proxy and no wu kan "kure" yu but yourself, and 
al yu lak iz the nolledj. A dbktor kan no more "kure" yu 



MENTAL DINAMITE 209 

than be kud du your eting, drinking, sleeping and dying 
for yu — : so don't expekt it, for if yu du, yu wil only get 
humbugd. A wurd to the wize iz a whole dikshunary, and 
thare iz nuthing so unwize az to be sik and sufer. Az yu 
hav read my book, Mental Dinamite, and it hazn't kild yu, 
I wil send yu I kopy ov Laws-ov-Helth for $5, on kondishun 
that yu don't loan it to enywun outside ov your family. Ad- 
dres al orders to 

DR. K. W. MAK, Kansas City, Missouri, U. S.-A. 



J. H. WEtCH PRINTING CO. 
DBS MOINES 



St? 26 Wl* 



